The Bachelor’ Ep. 4: More pervert

• ABC
• Hey, SEOUL sisters. Sorry, now I’m more pervert.

Our Bachelor friend Juan Pablo did a Venezuelan cannonball into warmish water last week when he told some blogger at some thing that the totally wholesome Bachelor franchise should never feature a homosexual man looking for love because gay people are “more pervert” than people who are not gay and that’s no good for children to see.

Yeah, I’m so sure anyone could be “more pervert” than the man who ostensibly enjoyed this ...

Welp, it’s time for JP and his harem of 13 something-or-others to shove off and continue their journey adventure in South Korea, a country that has a rich history (I think?), but more importantly gave us a song called “Gangnam Style” to make all of our movie trailers and pistachio commercials just a little less bearable.

JP is excited because he loves meeting people and he loves “meeting culture.” Know what else he loves? Tongue-ing. OR DOES HE ...

? ? ?
I’ll tell you what I love: when these people travel to non-European nations and we can assume that SOMEONE in the group is perpetually a moment away from doing or saying something horrifyingly racist.

The first date card arrives and right off the bat Nikki is being a dumpy baby because she wanted a one-on-one date, but is going on this dumb group date instead. Even worse: it involves dancing and Nikki is a spaz. Dancing is the best way to win Juan Pablo heart, says Juan Pablo of Juan Pablo’s heart ways.

The girls are going to be performing at a shopping mall with the K-pop girl group 2NE1, which we’re supposed to pronounce “twenty one” even though it reads “to anyone.”

No one is more excited about this than our dimply friend Kat, who fancies herself quite the rug-cutter! She jerks and gyrates and sticks out her tongue and NO I’m not describing someone in the throes of an epileptic fit. Turns out that Nikki not being able to dance is way less embarrassing than Kat being able to dance. Tell your inside face to turn its frown upside down, Nikki.

You guys, Kat wants us know she’s not just fun and games, she’s serious, too. And, like so many other denizens of the Bachelor hole, she equates seriousness with telling sob stories about her parents. Her dad was an alcoholic, so much so that he had SEVEN DUIs, which has to be some kind of record. Who kept giving him a license?! The state of Florida, no doubt.

Meanwhile, Nikki does an impression of Kat that goes, “Who wants some GUACAMOLAAAAY” and it’s so great and now we love Nikki enough to give her a smooch on the cheek. Her inside cheek.

None of the dumb-dumbs on the show agree, because they all think Nikki is just sooooo negative, which I think just means she’s normal.

The next date card arrives and it goes to Sharleen because she’s JP’s “Seoul mate” because he’s definitely suffering from soccer-related head trauma. They go on a date and it’s just so motherfucking boring because Sharleen is the dullest woman in all the world. I seriously barely paid attention to their date, except to note that she was overdressed for a day date. The pantyhose part canceled out the romper part. She just keeps blowing it, deep into the night. JP convinces her to sing for him and then he’s like, OK, that’s enough. Then he’s like, do you want to have kids? And she’s like, no, and I also don’t want to have much to do with your kid. And he’s like HERE’S A ROOOOOOOOOOOSE. Shit, he would’ve given her two roses if he had them. He’s under her eyebrow spell.

On the next group date they go to a karaoke bar to see who can sing the best and then to a fish pedicure place to see who has the most disgusting feet. I don’t know who won the former, but Renee’s gross crust buckets won the disgusting foot competition by a mile! What a dead flesh feast for those fish! I wonder how she even walked on those things before they were picked clean by sea creatures.

She puts her pups away, but hastily finds another way to be weird and gross. She wants to kiss Juan Pablo so she says: “How would Camilla feel if she saw me kissing you?”

Welp, Juan Pablo’s penis deflates so rapidly and with such force that he’s blown backward into the past, all the way back to a time before he kissed any of these trollops, and he likes it so much better here that he decides he won’t kiss anyone else ever again, so he never ever ever again has to think about his daughter watch him be orally promiscuous.

Poor Lauren - the piano playing cat on a toilet bowl - tries to kiss JP in the immediate wake of Renee’s failed attempt at dirty talk and gets denied so hard it basically forces her to cry of embarrassment on national television. It’s awful.

Alas, JP almost immediately starts bending his no-kissing rules and kisses Clare, because he can’t resist her perpetual I-smell-a-fart face or overlong porcelain veneers. Also she says that the octopus she ate earlier made her throw up in her mouth a little. When people say “I threw up in my mouth,” I throw up out of my buns a little.

Nikki interrupts Clare and JP, and it become clear the producers are trying to manufacture some drama between these two, and the tension begins to grow, much like the zit on Nikki’s cheek. I still like you, though, girl.

Rose ceremony! Elise and Lauren go home, and Elise for one is happy because she’s just totally sick of spending time with ugly people. INSIDE ugly. Not outside. She didn’t mean that the other women are physically ugly, honest. Incidentally, it applies to Nikki either way, what with her inside and outside faces. Lauren acts sad some more.

The end!