The Bachelor’ Ep. 5: Agent whoreange

Juan Pablo does a little slut shaming.

Image

I have this problem where I think that people use the word “shaming” too often and too loosely. Like, I read this essay online the other day that was written by a young woman who was “fat shamed” by her physician. How terrible that must’ve been for her! Except for that the story was that she went to a doctor who weighed her, which doctors usually do, and then told her she should “watch her weight” because she’s five feet tall and weighs 200 lbs.

I’m pretty sure friendly advice from a medical professional whose friendly advice you’ve sought and that was administered in private does not qualify as “shaming.”

OOH but now I know what does count as shaming! Sexing (allegedly) a woman so hard in the ocean that she turns into a baby giraffe and then telling her later (and on TV!) that it was wrong and humiliating because you have a daughter. CLARE, WHY WEREN’T YOU CONSIDERING MY DAUGHTER’S FEELINGS? CONSIDER CAH-MEE-LAH! Is this REALLY the kind of woman I want to be the mother of my child??

But in the moment, you were “llamas,” lady. “Llamas” as hell.

I love so much what’s happening on this filth show and it’s that Juan Pablo is revealing what a giant dick he is! So many examples to come! His visit is like the second or third worst thing to ever happen in Vietnam!

HEY. Let’s start with Renee’s awful date.

Renee gets a one-on-one, which she’s really thrilled about because she and Juan haven’t had their first kiss yet and her mouth is just watering for Juan’s mouth water. We had some fun as viewers coming up with what Renee’s totally unappealing come-on was going to be this week. For instance: “All of your dead relatives are watching us right now.”

Juan takes Renee to be fitted for a custom-made dress, because she’s a single mom and she deserves this, you guys. Juan is going to take this worn-out, bedraggled woman who never has the time or energy to do nice things for herself, and do those nice things for her. Single moms deserve to be pampered - but not kissed! He’s protecting her son, see. She’s a great mom, but not a good enough mom to decide what her son can and cannot handle, and he DEFINITELY can’t handle it if his mom kisses someone. She needs a man to make these decisions for her. Thank GOD, Juan is around. He’s so noble.

Anyway, they go and sit on a boat for a little while and don’t kiss OR talk about the Vietnam War, and then Renee changes into her dress - which must’ve been sewn so fast by so many tiny fingers, that it’s probably stained with blood along the seams - just so Juan can not kiss her some more. Instead this happens ...


? ? ?
Then he gives her some dating advice like a good pal would, and the date is over.

Time for a group date. Andi is upset because she still hasn’t had a one-on-one, which actually is sorta weird and rude, especially because she goes on a group date with Clare, who has really mastered the art of consuming all of Juan’s attention.

First, they paddle along in these little two-person boat things and of course Clare pairs up with Juan, so they can suck face while the rest of the gaggle stands on shore and watches them. If that wasn’t bad enough, then Juan brings them to some kind of communist work camp where they’re forced to do farm work in order to be fed dinner.

During the commercial break, we’re presented with a cliffhanger! WILL THE FAT, BALD MAN’S GIRLFRIEND SAY YES? If so, Jared (the galleria of jewelry) is completely fucking unimaginative and people should start buying their blood diamonds at Kay instead. It’s where kisses begin. Renee’s like, NEVER HEARD OF IT.

Back on the group date, Juan remembers that sitting around with a bunch of these women at the same time is boring and awkward, so he grabs Clare so they can dry (wet?) hump in the pool. How long were they gone? An hour? Two hours? Did they shower and nap after their swim while the other women grew long grey beards? A nap seems plausible, because he has so much energy!

He makes out with Sharleen a little to remind her she’s a panda bear, then he makes out with Andi a little so she’ll put a cork in it. Then he gives Clare the rose, which no one saw coming.

Speaking of coming, what a horny twosome we have here! After the date breaks up, Clare goes and knocks on Juan’s door and is like, “Wanna do another first thing in Vietnam with me?” They go into the ocean - the one place a cameraman won’t follow them - Clare mounts him and then stuff happens! What stuff? Stuff that can only be described thusly ...

“It’s like there are waves of hot warm bathwater all over us, just him and I. It’s like heaven on earth.”

“When a man makes you feel safe and taken care of, it’s the best feeling ever.”

“We just went for it. And I don’t regret it. Pure bliss in every way. Hands down one of the best nights of my entire life. We all deserve to feel that amazing amazing feeling.

“It’s like when a baby giraffe is born and it has those wobbly legs, it takes a second to process it.”

I’d make fun, but I know exactly what she’s talking about because I have lots of good sex all the time. Incidentally, I always cry after sex, too.

Next Nikki has a one on one date, and Juan is taking her into a cave called hell, which makes this the second time he’ll enter a cave called hell in less than 24 hours. (It’s a Clare-vagina joke.)

Nikki doesn’t like the idea of rappelling into a cave and threatens to either live, die, or poop her pants, which would have been great since Juan was right behind her behind and probably ogling it the whole time.

Later on, Juan says he’s tired because he was up all night with Clare, and then he and Nikki kiss, the end.

It’s the night of the rose ceremony and just in case there won’t be enough ladytears to fill the goat bladder Chris Harrison keeps in his darkened chambers, Juan makes sure to prime Clare’s pump. But first he FINALLY kisses Renee so she’ll leave him alone about it.

All the mother scuz on Renee’s lips reminds Juan that he is also a parent, so he finds Clare so he can make her feel awful about a thing they entered into mutually. A couple of real dickhead, borderline scary things he does/says:
- “I don’t like it when you don’t look at me.” LOOK AT HIM WHEN HE’S SPEAKING TO YOU, CLARE.
- He makes it sound like it was her fault. He says something like, I went with you to the ocean so you wouldn’t be upset. Yeah, that’s why you went.
- He brings his daughter into it, which just makes Clare feel more “stupid” and “embarrassed.”
- Clare is crying when he’s already told her not to be upset so he says, “Now I’m not going to tell you anything else.”

Lifetime! Mother may I sleep with danger! I seriously hate him so much. Chris Harrison is somewhere hiding in a bush just feeding off of her misery, doing penis pushups with the strength of a hundred men.

Then the rose ceremony happens and the fucking worst thing in the world happens: Kelly goes home! Never forget ...
Image



Also, Danielle and Ally went home, both of whom appeared to be humorless non-entities, which is probably why fucking Sharleen was so emotional about it.