The Bachelor’: Molly tells all!

Welcome back, dogfriend.

I know I’ve said it before, but the best two things about the “women tell all” specials are:

1. The crowd shots of women exchanging “uh huuuuggghhhhhh” looks with the women sitting next to them
2. Bachelorettes crying whilst watching footage of themselves crying

The specifically NOT best things are extended promos for forthcoming Muppet movies (although fun that a couple of felt puppets have so much more charisma than a certain Venezuelan puppet) and unnecessary interviews with the a-holes from the previous season. I didn’t watch the interview because unless Sean and Catherin described in explicit Penthouse Letters-style detail their first sexual encounter, I don’t want anything to do with it. You’re married! We’re done with you! Call us when you have a shithead kid we can gawk at.

I didn’t get around to recapping last week’s episode(s) because you know, sometimes life gets in the way, man, and I wasn’t able to watch till later in the week. It was fun to see Piedmont Park on TV; I didn’t recognize the gun range Andi brought Juan to, but it also looked really lovely. And her dad, Hy, gets to go down in history as the only parent who reacted properly to a guy telling him he’s basically only looking for a stepmom for his (not-terribly-talented) child.

And then there was the Andi-fantasy-suite situation, which amounted to her realizing that spending more than 30 consecutive minutes with Juan Pablo is fucking awful, which any of us could have told her after watching two hours of this bullshit every week. TURNS OUT, Juan Pablo is shallow?? WHAT? He doesn’t know or care about your values or beliefs? WHAT??!?!?! She grills him and he’s like, “Hey, two can play at this game,” but it turns out that he is very bad at it ...



Ultimately, Andi had a breakthrough. The conditions under which the show is filmed are not conducive to forming strong bonds. Yes, it’s especially hard if the person you’re attempting to bond with isn’t equipped with the ability to read or understand other people’s feelings. Or even comprehend the words they say, really (and that’s not an ESL jab, it’s an I-think-he-might-be-stupid jab). But, c’mon, really it’s the show itself. It’s not that Juan Pablo mentioned having an overnight with Clare - it’s that this pervert program dictates that he have an overnight with three women, nearly at the same time. Andi’s smart, so I’m sure she gets that. OR DOES SHE ...

? ? ?
See, rumor has it that Andi is gonna be the next Bachelorette and I think this is a bad decision! And not just because Andi is now peering down everyone from a moral Bachelor high ground. No fucking way can she live up to the standard she set for Juan Pablo. Seriously, make her date 25 guys who look vaguely similar and then quiz her on their innermost desires, positions on social issues, and high school GPAs.

The other reason it’s a bad idea is that this episode reminded us how many other great candidates we have! They are as follows:

- KELLY: We all know that Kelly is wild about animals, but she’s also very enthusiastic about calling people out on their shit in ways that are embarrassing for them. Like, when poor Lauren tries to save a little face by calmly acknowledging that it would appear Juan Pablo wasn’t very into her, Kelly screams at her for acting differently now than she did in the house, adding, “YOU WERE, LIKE, IN TEARS.” Yeah, shut up, Lauren.

- LAUREN: I think it would be a real shot in her self-esteem arm. Wouldn’t we all like that for her? Why do you want Lauren to be unhappy? You’re the worst.

- SHARLEEN: OOH so this one, the supposed coolest girl in school, sure was being an apologist for Juan Pablo, wasn’t she? Most revolutionary my dick. Anyway, watching her date one guy was enjoyably awkward, so watching her date a whole bunch of guys would probably make our bodies turn inside out butthole first. I’d like that.

- MOLLY: That dog is one cool customer and probably the most attractive creature on the entire show. If you ever see her around Atlanta - off-leash, just struttin’ - please shout YOU GO GIRL directly into her face for me.

Other notable moments ...

- You know when small children get so angry - “flustrated” - they start crying? That was happening to Juan Pablo! His rage became hot, salty water that was threatening to spill over his lower lids for the entire show!

- Cassandra thinks that really knowing someone means knowing their favorite color and what kind of pizza they like. Aw.

- Kelly opens up and reveals that Juan’s “more pervert” comment really hurt her because she has a gay parent. Juan says he doesn’t want to talk about that with her there in that moment, but what he really means is “I don’t want to talk about that” full stop.