The Bachelorette': Ashley Hebert tells all, men tell some

Everyone still loves Marquel, everyone still hates Andrew


Oh, there's ever so much for the men to tell, mostly about why and how much they hate Andrew and J.J.

BUT FIRST Ashley Hebert and J.P. Hebertbaum are back because she's pregnant and needs people to see that she has breasts now. But, no, that's not enough. She's going to find out whether she's having a girl or a boy right here in front of all her close friends in Bachelor Nation. Chris Harrison rips a hole in the side of her dress so the doctor can jam his wand in, and, frankly, Ashley's just lucky Harrison didn't tear her stomach open and fly away with the fetus in his beak. "You're part of the Bachelor Family now, baby."
Also, fuck, he keeps saying the "sex" of the baby, which sounds so vulgar coming from a man who is a prolific underpants sniffer.

The doctor inserts his wand beneath Ashley's muumuu - "What if there was no heartbeat - that would be so sad," said one of my darker viewing companions - and searches around until he finds a penis, which is good since J.P. basically reveals that if it was a girl he would have drowned it in a creek because you can't watch football with girls. (He didn't say anything like this.)

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Then there's a looooooooong preview of Bachelor In Paradise in which producers attempt to make it appear that someone was murdered by someone else on the program, which means that in reality the most dramatic thing that happens is someone gets drunk and sprains their ankle. But I'll still watch just to be sure no one gets murdered.

Note: At this point we're like 30 minutes into the show and the men haven't told anything yet.

FINALLY it's time for telling. Of course, it was all really dumb and boring, so I'll just go over the highlights.

Everyone is still very convinced that Andrew called Marquel and Ron "blackies." And they have video proof! Sorta. Well, he definitely leaned over to J.J. and said something, but more likely it was "She kept the two black guys," which, honestly, isn't that much better, and no one is letting this motherfucker off the hook for it. He has a very hateable face, which I have a feeling doesn't help his case. It also doesn't help when he calls Marquel "Ron," even though I think there's a chance he might've actually been addressing the comment that Ron had just made. Getting the two black guys in the room mixed up is NOT the act of a not racist person, so Chris Harrison forces Andrew to put on a Klan robe then invites the audience to beat him with baseball bats.

Chris still hates J.J. Chris uses the Andrew controversy as an opportunity to remind everyone that he thinks J.J. is a peehole for, among other things, telling Marquel what he heard Andrew say rather than just confronting Andrew about it. J.J. attempts to defend himself and his eyes fill up with rage tears and it's pretty erotic.

Then we move on to Marquel in the hot seat . . . OH WAIT, J.J. HAS SOMETHING ELSE TO SAY. And it's some stuttering idiot version of, "I want to defend myself because I didn't have a chance to defend myself, but ultimately, fuck you guys, I don't care what you think." Chris is like, "Then shut up if you don't care." And so J.J. shuts up.

A quick, important reminder. Andi gave a rose to Cody instead of Marquel. That's the kind of country we live in. Also, we have to stop saying "friend zone," OK?

Marquel ends racism. Remember in Rocky IV, how Rocky fought Ivan Drago and ended the Cold War? Marquel sort of did that by giving out a basket full of black and white cookies.

Marcus talks for a while. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Chris has a speed date with a woman from the crowd. OK, I know this show is a crock of shit and I shouldn't get upset when the crock overfloweth, but what the fuck was this? Some lady in the crowd named Ketchup (I think?) raises her hand, gets called on immediately - because it's not like a television show is being filmed or anything - and is permitted to sit on the stage and caress Chris's knee. I hope this backfires terribly and they can never have a "Men Tell All" episode ever again without a dozen Ketchups shouting things out of turn and attempting to sexually assault the contestants. And, Ketchup, if you are a real person, you're a pervert for going to this taping by yourself.

Wait, did Chris Harrison impregnate Andi? So, Andi comes on stage and Chris Harrison is like, "TELL EVERYONE YOU'RE PREGNANT" and that weirdo ultrasound tech/doctor is still standing there rolling his eyes around in his head and drooling, so it's like, wait, is she pregnant? No, Chris was just riffing on tabloid headlines. But then later, when he's brandishing the envelope that contains the lie detector results that Andi supposedly threw away in Italy, he goes, "DADDY'S GOT THEM." I think he needs to retire.

Marcus lied. Dylan lied. Josh lied. Marcus lied about having slept with fewer than 20 women (and I'm sure he doesn't feel like a total virile hunk for having it revealed on national television—he mentally fist-bumped his own dick). Dylan lied about preferring brunettes (technically, he prefers peroxide blondes he meets in convenience stores when he's buying rolling papers and one of those big $2 bags of Cheetos puffs). And Josh lied about WELL WE DON'T KNOW WHAT JOSH LIED ABOUT because that old milquetoast Brian is like, "Don't do it. Trust him." Wait. Josh definitely lied about something. So what is she trusting exactly? Whatever.

Ew, then there were unfunny bloopers and other boring things. THE END.

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