The Bachelorette' FINALE: Nick said it. Well, he whimpered it.


It's a strange and beautiful thing when sitting through a third motherfucking hour of this show feels worthwhile. The actual finale? I don't know. Josh definitely did NOT get his suit at Casual Male XL: Big and Tall, which is where he should be shopping, and until now I never knew that people who were created in laboratories could have such active sweat glands. Also, was Chris Harrison sick? He sounds congested. But also his eyes are all glazed and twinkly, so it's fun for me to imagine he schussed down a mountain of cocaine to get to the studio.

Other highlights:

— In the show's intro, Chris Harrison reveals that the guy who Andi did NOT pick followed her to Mexico while she was on vacation, which is the act of a true wiener, which meant Nick definitely did that. Way to spoil it.

— Andi's father Hy tells Josh: "I feel exactly the same way about Andi that you do." Gross!

— Hy's Blessings to get married are meaningless, but, then again, I love a charade.

— Anyone else notice that Josh is a loud breather? It seems so purposeful, just like his top-and-bottom-teeth smile. It's like, I'm respirating, so I make BREATHING SOUNDS. But I guess it takes like a really big fan to motor a gargantuan humanoid.

? ? ?
— Andi's name is going to be Andi Murray, and that's sort of already a person. Luckily, she and Josh won't actually get married. Or maybe they will. US Weekly paychecks would probably make me get married too. In fact, I'm going to be pissed if I don't get a paycheck from US Weekly when I get married.

— During Nick's awful last date, whyyyyyyyyy did they keep saying "off-roading" when they were driving a Jeep on a thing that was definitely a road?

— Someone invited Clare to come watch the finale, and her veneers are still too long, and she still sucks 'em and sucks 'em good.

But, c'mon, let's get to the main event. Nick, TAKE IT AWAY . . .

There's no way anything Andi did to Nick in the Fantasy Suite could be more erotic than these 15 seconds of television. Oh, God. First there was the slow build-up and there were the pregnant pauses, and he just keeps pumping away until he builds up the nerve to CLIMAX and whimper, "If you weren't in love with me, I'm just not sure why you . . . made love with me." I need a cigarette.

You know how people say dumb things like "the best revenge is a life well lived"? No. The best revenge is telling America and her new fiance who is sitting backstage polishing his chompers that Andi "made love" - glack - with you. Andi thinks his revelation - even though WE ALL KNOW they do it in the Fantasy Suite - is "below the belt," which is just a really unfortunate metaphor when the matter at hand is penis in vagina. But Nick doesn't relent! Andi looks to Chris Harrison for help and he's like, fat fucking chance. So Nick continues, "To me, that was finance-type stuff." Wait, is that like butt stuff? Oh, this sweet boy - keep talking always! Finally he screams YOUR BODY MAKES A PROMISE, ANDI, and drives the entire studio off a bridge. THE END!

But, wait: it's rude that they didn't announce who the next bachelor is going to be, right? Is Chris (I hate that the world wants us to call him "Farmer Chris") waffling? It can't be Nick, especially now that he's proven to the franchise bosses that he can't be trusted to keep his filthy mouth shut. I'll tell you what this is: bait. Bachelor in Paradise bait. Slick move, guys. I was gonna watch anyway, so joke's on you. In the meantime, Atlanta (suburbs), you have Andi and Josh back. Never let them go.

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Thursday July 24, 2014 09:26 am EDT

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Oh, there's ever so much for the men to tell, mostly about why and how much they hate Andrew and J.J.

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Wednesday July 16, 2014 03:04 pm EDT

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It's a question as old as time itself: If you had to spend your life with either an adult baby or a banana-handed cyborg who makes a very literal "MWAH" sound every time he kisses you, which would you choose?

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Wednesday July 2, 2014 03:39 pm EDT

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How's this for a coincidence: we send seven marginally employed single people and a shitty country duo called American Young to Belgium to dry hump on park benches and swap spit in a monastery's pottery barn, and then Belgium handily beats the U.S. in the World Cup. Everyone should pretend to be mad at The Bachelorette just like we're all pretending...

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Thursday June 19, 2014 10:15 am EDT
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Wednesday June 4, 2014 02:32 pm EDT

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Things people might do with four hours of their lives:
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• Write the first few chapters of a debut YA novel
• Learn all there is to know about volcano rabbits, a Mexican species that's facing extinction due to habitat encroachment
• Watch perennial favorite Gone With the Wind
• Score some heroin, shoot up, take a nap

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