Ben’s Sports Take: 11 Predictions Guarantees for 2011 (Part I)

Here’s my list of sportsy-type things that will absolutely, definitely, guaranteed, positively take place over the next 12 months...or not.

I cranked the list up to 11 and each prediction guarantee is progressively more likely to occur as the numbers fall. In other words, the lower the number, the more likely the events are to happen. (But they’re all guarantees, so that shouldn’t really matter)
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PART I

11. Jason Heyward wins MVP...of humankind
How does Jason Heyward follow up his impressive rookie campaign of 2010? By ridding the planet of cancer and AIDS of course.

After making the All-Star team last season, Heyward will continue his on-field dominance by mashing roughly 94 home runs and driving in around 289 runs. But on July 14, Heyward stumbles into the Centers for Disease Control on his day off and cranks out a cure for cancer and AIDS in a matter of 43 seconds. Ironically enough, 98 percent of the cure is made up of steroids.

10. Paul Hewitt signs contract extension with major incentives
After 10-plus years of unparalleled recruiting and immense underachieving, Georgia Tech men’s basketball coach Paul Hewitt is rewarded with another self-renewing contract—except this one contains an afterlife clause. That’s right, as long as there’s a Georgia Tech basketball team, coach Hewitt will be on the sidelines—dead or alive.

And while difficult to put a number on all of the success Hewitt has bestowed upon the Georgia Tech basketball program, AD Dan Radakovich and President G.P. Peterson sweeten the deal with extensive changes to some rather familiar naming rights around campus. The school’s new arena—the Hank McCamish Pavilion (scheduled to open in 2012)—will be renamed The Paul Hewitt Center For Guys Who Play Basketball Good And Want To Play in the NBA Soon Too