An open letter to Tami Honeycutt, winner of Zoo Atlanta’s name-the-baby-giraffe contest

Gwynedd Stuart, Jr. Still a good name.

Dear Tami,

Hi. How was your summer? Sure was a scorcher. Hope you managed to keep cool B-) lol!

Alright, let’s drop the shit. This just arrived in my inbox ...
Tami Honeycutt of Ringgold, Ga., has been randomly selected as the Grand Prize Winner of the Name the Giraffe Calf Sweepstakes.

Honeycutt’s name was selected in a random drawing of nearly 1,800 participants who entered the sweepstakes from August 3 through August 10. As part of the Grand Prize, Honeycutt will also enjoy an exclusive VIP behind-the-scenes animal encounter at Zoo Atlanta.

I don’t know what I ever did to you or why you want to ruin my life or what kind of pact you made with Satan, but it is just NOT FAIR that you won the Groupon contest to name Zoo Atlanta’s new giraffe calf and I did not.

For 29 years, my life has been an experiment in disappointment. I’m unmarried. Childless. Sometimes, when I’m feeling extra blue, I walk around the house with my cat in a Baby Bjorn just to feel the heft and warmth of something alive against my skin. Really, the only thing I had left to look forward to was the possibility that I’d get to pick a name for that knobby-kneed, sock puppet-looking baby ungulate.

According to the zoo press release, the “naming details” are “still being finalized,” so before this is a done deal, I’m just gonna g’head and make a suggestion: Name her after me. Please.

Love always,