First Slice 1-9-14: Glavine and Maddux head to Cooperstown

• Pouya Dianat/Atlanta Braves
• Future Hall of Famer Tom Glavine went 7-17 in 1988, his second year in the major leagues.

Greg Maddux and Tom Glavine are heading to Cooperstown. The two Braves pitchers were elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame yesterday. Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens, both BIG fans of Bruce Banner and representatives of a dark time in baseball, were once again passed over. Which might make them angry. Don’t make them angry. You wouldn’t like them when they’re angry.

Internal theft from Department of Watershed Management facilities has become so rampant that the personal vehicles of every employee are being searched by security at the end of the day. Along with a few pens and some printer paper, items such as giant industrial meters that weigh 700 pounds and are worth hundreds of thousands of dollars have disappeared. Many employees are refusing to consent to the search and their names are duly noted as they drive off with their back bumpers scraping the ground, sparks flying, heading straight to their preferred giant industrial meter chop shop or fence.

A Gwinnett County man wanted for a probation violation decided to take a polar bear plunge into the Chattahoochee River while trying to escape a bail bondsman. It was a bad day for it. He was eventually rescued by the Gwinnett Fire Department after he was seen desperately clinging to a branch in the river. Nothing wrong with a bit of invigoration before incarceration, ya know? It’s just like an early morning roll in the hay with your old lady before you have to go punch the clock at the shop, right?

Florida, you truly are the gift that keeps giving: Have a hankering for python pizza? No problem.

Hey, remember that war in Iraq? It’s the one Bush started for no reason. You know, the same one that let Obama say, “I ended the war in Iraq.” It’s still happening. And it has been steadily ramping back up to Category 5 Apocalyptic Shitstorm status as of late. Mission Accomplished!