First Slice 5-8-12: Death. Debauchery. Dolphins.

Swiss ravers murder dolphins


1. A toxicology report has revealed that two dolphins — Shadown and Chelmers — who died in a Swiss zoo last year, did so because some dumbdick LSD-head fed the animals a heroin substitute during a rave some other dumbdick LSD-head allowed to be held near their training pool. I prefer to imagine the dolphins were driven to suicide by the shitty European dance music.

2. A field trip turned swanky-n-sexy for Morningside Elementary School Students who were picked up from a camp in Toccoa by party buses with mini-fridges, LED lights, and stripper poles. The owner of the limo company that was subcontracted to pick up the children said he would have at least removed the stripper poles had he known kids were being transported.

3. A California judge is deciding whether two Fullerton cops caught on tape beating a schizophrenic homeless man— who later died from the injuries inflicted on him — should be charged with murder. That’s a toughie. But don’t worry. The officers are on paid leave in the meantime.

4. Not death, debauchery, or dolphin related (I hope): Vice president Joe Biden is in Atlanta again today — he was reportedly at a fundraiser yesterday — to speak at a big conference for conservative rabbis.

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