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24:' Episode 1-2, 4-6 p.m.: 'Not my problem' (1)

Last year, Gawker railed on networks' nasty habit of the two-part season "fauxnale:" "We want a single winner standing on top of pile of bloody, crippled corpses," said Brian Moylan. "Until all the bodies hit the floor there is no finale. Everything else is just foreplay." But what about four-hour, two-night season premieres? When it comes to "24," one need not wait an entire season for piles of bloody, crippled corpses — Jack Bauer has his own ideas about foreplay.

So here we are: Day 8. New York City. One historical mideast peace treaty on the verge of being signed. One shifty looking man in a red hoodie. And one dead guy in a shower. Yup — sounds about right.

A visibly aged and "retired" Jack Bauer prepares to move back to L.A. with Kim and granddaughter Teri to do some consulting work. I'm trying to imagine the kind of consulting seminars Jack feels qualified to offer: "How to Estrange Loved Ones?" "Time Management Skills?" "Drills: 101 uses?"

Healed of his season 7 infection, Jack's livin' the normal life until a bloody Victor Aruz shows up on his doorstep. Jack, who knows Victor from his Salazar days, isn't interested in the ex-con's funny business — something about a terrorist plot to assassinate Omar Hassan, president of the Islamic Republic of Kamistan (which totally exists, right?). "Not my problem," says Jack. Oh, wait. Yes it is.