Omnivore - I ate Taco Bell’s Dorito Taco Loco and now I think my mouth is going to press charges on my hand

• IF THIS LOOKS UNAPPETIZING, THEN THAT IS ACCURATE
• Scene of the crime

I ate a Dorito Loco Taco at Taco Bell in the wee hours of last night. I would like to say that my irrepressibly curious palette led me to that decision. I would also like to cite my willingness to set aside concerns about my health and well-being in the pursuit of contemporary culinary innovation. More accurately, alcoholic beverages were also involved in the making of that decision.

I can confirm the Loco Taco does in fact taste like a giant Dorito chip wrapped around Taco Bell’s 88% meat taco filling, reduced fat sour cream, and shredded iceberg lettuce. I added “Fire” sauce for a “kick.” It comes encased in a paper shell that seems designed to keep the Dorito dust off of your fingers while eating it. At a certain point while consuming the taco, I had to remind myself that the hunk of white stuff in the middle was supposed to be sour cream and not Miracle Whip.

During this particularly unique culinary experience, I was reminded of the recent ad campaign for Ruffle’s potato chips that suggested: “PUNCH YOUR MOUTH IN ITS FACE.”* Much like that campaign, eating a Loco Taco is akin to committing self-inflicted hand-on-mouth violence. The legal implications of assaulting one’s own mouth are unclear to me, but I would advise generally avoiding the practice if possible.

*I admit that I have some fondness for the surrealist image conjured by that turn of phrase, which has caused me to spend a considerable amount of time trying to determine where the face of my mouth would be located.