The Sexorcist says goodbye

All good things must come to an end. This is my last column, gentle reader, as I head for different pastures.

To commemorate the event, I thought I’d point out some of the most interesting questions (and answers) of the past two years. But first a few goodbyes.

To Creative Loafing: Writing for you was like having one of those four-hour erections. At first, you’re grateful, then you’re scared and finally, you make urgent calls to your doctor. Seriously, I couldn’t have had a better partner. You guys rock.

To my women readers: I’ll see you on the bookshelves. My latest book comes out in January. And it’s written for you, baby. The Title? Not Tonight Dear, I Feel Fat. How to Stop Worrying about Your Body and Have Great Sex.

To my straight male readers: See above. You’ll thank me.

To my gay readers: I’m finally free of the Loaf’s morals clause (“Thou Shalt Not Fuck Your Readers”). Send your pics. Or visit my new blog at GayDatingSuccess.net.

And now, for the most memorable questions:

Weirdest Question Ever:
?”I’ve lived most of my life as a lesbian but I consider myself a female-bodied guy who wants to have sex with a gay guy.”

My (Partial) Answer:
?The market for fag-fucking dykes is about the width of a pubic hair. You will induce anal glaucoma in most gay men. As in, “I can’t see you in my ass.” Reframe your desires from “I want to fuck a gay guy” to “I want sexual experiences where my male sex partners relate to me as a man.” THAT is an achievable short-term goal that will eventually help you bang a guy like a gong.

Best Question, Vagina Edition:
?”My vagina isn’t tight enough and I’m too embarrassed to have sex because it feels so loose. How do I make my vagina shrink, or at least tighten it up?”

My (Partial) Answer:
?Other than Kegels, there’s no answer. Though I’m surprised nobody’s come up with a “female tightening” product. I’d call it “The ReVagisizer.” Think of the ads: “Shrink your vagina by 41 percent!” “Get that full feeling you get at Fogo de Chao!” And best of all, imagine Joan Rivers as a spokesperson: “Make your vagina tighter than my face!”

Most Aggravating Question:
?”I am so sick and tired of my boyfriend’s endless attention to my needs and orgasms. This sensitive New Man stuff was great in the beginning but, really? How about some caveman sex? Am I the only woman who wants to be thrown around a little?”

My (Partial) Answer:
?You are the reason men build bombs. Instead of feeling grateful for a man who puts your needs ahead of his, you’re complaining about it. Why don’t you switch it up a bit and ask him what he wants? (My guess is sex with a sock in your mouth.) Try being his sexual slave for a week and learn how to give. That’ll do more for your sex life than him throwing you around like a rag doll.

Biggest Head-Scratcher:
?”For some reason I am able to get off to gay porn. I know that I am 100 percent NOT gay and that I am not attracted to men in real life at all. Is it normal for a straight man to do this?”

My (Partial) Answer:
?You’re just like lesbians who watch gay porn. You’re getting off to it without being attracted to the men in it. You probably feel a strong need to dominate or feel dominated by good-looking men. There’s no way you can safely express that to other straight men. Well, you could — just like you could walk into Taco Mac and change the TV channel to “Glee” during March Madness. So you turn to gay porn.

That’s it, fellow travelers. As the last guy I had sex with said, “It was a great ride, but it’s over.” Be well, have fun and stay safe.