“Real Housewives” Ep. 3: White people only eat canned food, processed meats

• NBC Universal
• Phaedra Parks: God I am so classy. Don’t you love my exquisite ’70s porn wood-paneled basement

God, Phaedra Parks on “The Real Housewives of Atlanta” is such a damn classy woman. I mean, first off, she’s on the most sophisticated reality-soap opera around. Andy Cohen doesn’t let just any delusional Atlantan on the show. And she’s a successful entertainment lawyer, a true Southern lady. And she’s marrying ex-con Apollo just months after he knocked her up following getting out of prison. See, Apollo is no different than Martha Stewart, she says, because he was simply caught racketeering. Oh, OK, who isn’t? Apollo is really hot, it’s true. He’s very sexual. But he’s also kind of like a doofus, the way he holds his fork and knife while trying to eat, or his inability to put together a sentence in an acceptable amount of time. We don’t have all day, Apollo. He’s one of those hot guys who is really sweet but dumb as a door-knob. Phaedra says she dated Apollo in college—you know, before his five years in prison—and that’s why they got together so quickly after he released. Damn, she is so classy. But don’t forget, fellow housewife Countless Luann taught us something about class.

Phaedra and Apollo invite the most asexual couple from their church over to dinner to help with their relationship, even though it’s still new and a very preggers Phaedra hasn’t even had her baby yet. What is your language of love? the church couple asks at a very unwelcoming family dinner. “Quality time,” says ex-con Apollo, who after five years of isolation or shower-time fun probably just wants some stability and love. “Gifts,” answers Phaedra. Uh oh. Material things aren’t love, Phaedra, surely your religious institution will teach you that! Except the church couple didn’t correct her. Instead, they advised Apollo to talk to Fake-dra’s assistants about what kind of things she likes and needs. “I want to talk to her, not her assistants,” Apollo said. Too bad. If anything, when Apollo does buy Phaedra gifts, it’ll probably be from her own bank account, the allowance checks he’ll be receiving every week, a different kind of prison, a prison of his own making.

There’s more trouble in high class paradise. Apollo is bi-racial, so for him to have a white parent is a big disadvantage when it comes to how they’ll raise their child. First off, Phaedra believes this child should be raised old-fashioned, seen and not heard, like how she was raised. And now, after a childhood of deprivation and no self-expression, she is the well-adjusted social climber, ex-con marrying woman we see on TV today. Then we learn Apollo doesn’t like “very elaborate dishes” because he grew up in a white household. See, white households aren’t “used to all this fancy stuff,” they only eat “canned foods and packed meat,” but fine food connoisseur Phaedra only eats the best Sesame Chicken Lean Cuisines. Maybe packed meats are the only thing Apollo can cut. Seriously, it’s like watching a kid struggling to tie his shoes for the first time.