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"The Bachelorette": Tanks for the memories, Ryan

Ryan

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Sometimes my cat eats till he pukes. It's like this revolting, feline version of binging and purging, 'cept he stays fat and his teeth don't get all rotten. Lucky for me, in the rancid ecosystem that is my apartment, my dog gladly plays her part in the symbiosis and eats it.

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Last night, as Ashley and Ryan's one-on-one date evolved into a study in human fragility, I was the cat and the dog in this scenario. I feasted greedily on Ryan's banquet of humiliation and sadness, threw up, and then lapped it up because I was still hungry for more.

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Sooooooo, for the two or three of you still reading, HOW BORING that we have to talk about anything besides Ryan's televised emotional meltdown, right? Not as boring as talking about WATER HEATERS (high fives Satan), but still boring.

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This week, Taiwan is the place where Ashley will keep trying to find love with six special something guys who are still not Bentley.

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Here's how she's feeling about each:
Ryan: Makes her feel safe. (He seems to make everyone else feel specifically unsafe.)
Lucas: A genuine, great guy. (More like, "A guy.")
Ames: One of the most unique guys she's ever met. (Also, his eyes are uniquely placed on either side of his head.)
Ben: So funny. (Listen. NO ONE on "The Bachelor" or "The Bachelorette" has ever been funny. Their no-funny-people policy is almost as stringent as their no-black-people policy.)
Constantine: Easy to talk to. Easy to look at. (I have nothing to add to this.)
J.P.: Makes her feel comfortable, secure. (Ashley, J.P. is going to kill you.)

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Constantine gets the first one-on-one because he's fine, and then there's a train ride and lanterns and Ashley NOT knowing how to play it cool. During dinner, Constantine asks what she sees in him, and she responds — her dehydrated monkey paw poised on his knee — "You’re exactly what I’m attracted to." He likes that answer, the big galoot. But, seriously, there's no chemistry between these two, no matter how much Ashley declares the date is "Perfact. Perfact."

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Aaaaaaand, the next one-on-one goes to Ben, and because they're going to a gorge that is also attractive, his date card says, "Let’s spend a 'gorges' day together in Taiwan." Pffrt. I'm sure the producers write the date cards, but I prefer to believe that Ashley was responsible for this one.

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Ben and Ashley go on a scooter excursion, because a helmet is the one thing that could make Ben's hair look even worse than it usually does. Sweet kid, though. Except that he refers to saying "love" as "dropping an L-bomb."

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Speaking of explosions, did Ashley drop a V-bomb — her "vagina" — on Ben, or what? Well, he came home from his date the next morning, reeking of sourdough bread, but says he and Ashley stayed in separate rooms (probably a lie). J.P. acts like a giant baby about it, because his new thing is being scary and possessive.



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