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Don't Panic

Thursday August 26, 2010 02:42 pm EDT
The Iraq war is over in the same way that daytime is over if you close your curtains. | more...

Don't Panic

Wednesday August 18, 2010 10:24 am EDT
Americans should confront the consequences of U.S. military policy. | more...

Don't Panic

Tuesday August 3, 2010 03:01 pm EDT

Is Obama cutting the military’s budget?

As a rule, I try never to impute bad motives on political figures whose political positions I don’t necessarily agree with. Honest people can disagree.

For example, when top Republicans like Newt Gingrich or Sarah Palin speak-out in opposition in the construction of Muslim community center and mosque two-blocks from the World Trade Center site in...

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Don't Panic

Thursday July 8, 2010 10:00 am EDT


The Fund For Peace is an educational group headquartered in D.C. that “works to prevent war and alleviate the conditions that cause conflict.”

Naturally, I hate them. Without war and conflict, I’ve got no career. What am I gonna do for money? Write poetry? Every decent rhyme for “Nantucket” has already been taken. Suck it. Duck it. Kirby Puckett.

But this isn’t all me-me-me. I’m worried...

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Don't Panic

Thursday July 1, 2010 05:05 pm EDT

In 2006, American geologists began conducting surveys to figure out if Afghanistan had any significant mineral wealth. The deposits they eventually discovered are way more than a mother lode.

I’m not up on my mining slang, so I don’t know the precise slang one is supposed to use to indicate a mineral deposit larger than a mother lode. A maternity ward lode? A crowded OB/GYN waiting room lode?...

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Don't Panic

Wednesday June 23, 2010 02:57 pm EDT


I've always had a special place in my heart for the Kyrgyz Republic.

Landlocked and surrounded by four extraordinarily boring countries, Kyrgyz Republic (commonly known as Kyrgyzstan) has, in my opinion, the least appealing location of any country of any country on the globe. I suppose you could argue Poland has a worse location because it’s pinned between two historically violent superpower...

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Don't Panic

Wednesday June 16, 2010 02:44 pm EDT



Maybe I’m just an old fuddy duddy, but back when I was coming up, surprise was considered an essential element of successful warfare.

In fact, I can still recall that glorious day when I learned about the importance of surprise in war. It was 1832 and, just for fun, I downloaded the great Prussian military theorist Carl Von Clausewitz’s then-newly published “On War” to my Kindle. We didn’t...

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Don't Panic

Wednesday June 9, 2010 06:05 pm EDT

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Is it Monday morning quarterbacking to tell you I knew the euro was going come apart? They don’t have quarterbacks in Europe so I’m not sure what the equivalent figure of speech is. Monday morning corner-kicking? Monday morning beret knitting? Monday morning red wine decanting? Monday morning panini pressing? Monday morning nutella spreading?

Anyway, whatever...

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Don't Panic

Friday May 28, 2010 04:00 am EDT
I've been visiting KCNA for clues as to why the North Korean military sank the Southern Korean ship ROKS Cheonan | more...

Don't Panic

Tuesday May 25, 2010 02:00 pm EDT

image-1I enjoy writing columns, but am nevertheless occasionally frustrated by the inherent limitations of written words.

Every couple of months, I think an audio recording of someone sighing in frustration, a video of someone pounding his head against a desk, or a photo of someone with her face buried in her hands would just as fully explain a foreign affairs conundrum as, say, actual...

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Don't Panic

Monday May 24, 2010 04:00 am EDT
We've been in the midst of the same confusing standoff for the last seven years | more...

Don't Panic

Tuesday May 18, 2010 02:00 pm EDT

image-1Every decade has its defining question.

In the '70s, it was, "Who wears short shorts?" In the '80s, the nation wondered, "Where's the beef?" In the '90s, we struggled to answer one simple question: "Can't we all just get along?" And during the '00s, with two disastrous wars and the looming threat of terrorism, Americans demanded to know, "Whatcha gonna do with all that ass/All that...

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Don't Panic

Monday May 17, 2010 04:00 am EDT
The U.S. and Russia possess more than 90 percent of the world's nuclear weapons between them. Sounds fair. | more...

Don't Panic

Tuesday May 11, 2010 02:00 pm EDT
image-1A long time ago, current Greek Prime Minister George Papandreou killed his father (former Prime Minister Andreas Papandreou), then married his own mother. After a while, the crops stopped growing, the women of Greece stopped having babies and the tzatziki curdled in the silos. Horrified, the MILF-wife killed herself and Papandreou gouged out his own eyes, then flew so close to the sun... | more...

Don't Panic

Monday May 10, 2010 04:00 am EDT
For the past decade, Greece has been that guy who pays his credit card bill with another credit card | more...

Don't Panic

Tuesday May 4, 2010 02:00 pm EDT

image-1You know, things aren't like they were when I was coming up. People today are big babies.

Back in my day, we didn't have peanut allergies. No sirree ma'am. If you suffered anaphylactic shock after eating a peanut, it was 'cause you were a sissy.

And we didn't have this "Internet" thing making everything so easy. If you wanted something, you had to work for it. You had to leave...

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Don't Panic

Monday May 3, 2010 04:00 am EDT
It's hard to tell whether South Korea is acting wisely or like a sissy | more...

Don't Panic

Tuesday April 27, 2010 02:00 pm EDT

image-1That volcano in Iceland (the one evidently named by someone who types with mittens on) isn't the only thing wrecking our travel plans.

The vacation dreams of countless American hipsters and trustafarians heading to Asia are all Phuk'd up now that Thailand's political crisis has gotten mean and violent.

It wasn't always thus. Until recently, the battle to control Thailand's...

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Don't Panic

Monday April 26, 2010 04:00 am EDT
Vacation dreams of countless American trustafarians are all Phuk'd up now that Thailand's political crisis has gotten mean | more...

Don't Panic

Tuesday April 20, 2010 02:00 pm EDT

image-1If I were one of President Obama's secret Muslim handlers, I'd be angry.

Their diabolical secret Muslim plan seemed foolproof: win the War On Terror™ by sneaking a charming, telegenic Kenyanesian member of their brotherhood into the White House! Genius!

So what if Hopey al-Changeypants wasn't born the U.S. We'll build a time machine that takes us to Hawaii, 1961 –...

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Don't Panic

Monday April 19, 2010 04:00 am EDT
Obama's secret Muslim handlers must be pissed he's going out of his way to reduce the threat of nuclear war | more...

Don't Panic

Monday April 12, 2010 02:00 pm EDT

image-1Before I joined the SocialistLibtardIslamofascistHomo Conspiracy (aka the media), I worked for a small public relations firm.

I did PR for commercial real estate companies. I learned a lot during my tenure. I learned two-hour lunch breaks would be socially acceptable if you replaced the word "break" with "meeting." I learned that all good strip clubs bill discreetly to your credit...

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Don't Panic

Monday April 12, 2010 04:00 am EDT
Americans seem content with evidence-free declarations saying we avoid killing civilians | more...

Don't Panic

Monday April 5, 2010 02:00 pm EDT

image-1During the last week of March, the never-gets-anything-wrong news media reported that challenger Ayad Allawi defeated incumbent Nouri al-Maliki in Iraq's recent election.

"Secular former leader Allawi wins Iraq vote," said Reuters.

"Allawi wins Iraqi election," said McClatchy.

"Allawi victory in Iraq sets up period of uncertainty," said the New York Times.

I was...

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Don't Panic

Monday April 5, 2010 04:00 am EDT
Using a complicated system of calculations called basic arithmetic | more...

Don't Panic

Monday March 22, 2010 02:30 pm EDT

image-1President Barack Obama just can't conceal his deep hatred of Israel.

I mean, when he went on Fox News on St. Patrick's Day and was offered a chance to say nice things about Israel, all he could offer up was: "Israel is one of our closest allies and we and the Israeli people have a special bond that's not going to go away."

Seriously?

Israel is just one of our closest...

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Don't Panic

Monday March 22, 2010 04:00 am EDT
A real friend of Israel, like George W. Bush, would repeatedly compare the Iranian President to Hitler | more...

Don't Panic

Monday March 15, 2010 02:00 pm EDT

image-1Fouling rivers, plants and soil in a manner you know will cause death or injury to large numbers of innocent people is an environmental crime.

I first heard the term "environmental crime" during a public gathering of hacky-sacking peace activists gathered in a remote North Carolina forest in 2003. After sharing a joint and engaging in a lively "Widespread vs. Phish" debate, the...

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Don't Panic

Monday March 15, 2010 04:00 am EDT
Evidence suggests a link between heavy U.S. munitions and a steep rise in birth defects | more...

Don't Panic

Monday March 8, 2010 03:00 pm EST

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On March 4, the House Committee on Foreign Affairs passed the following nonbinding resolution:

"Calling upon the President to ensure that the foreign policy of the United States reflects appropriate understanding and sensitivity concerning issues related to human rights, ethnic cleansing, and genocide documented in the United States record relating to the Armenian Genocide,...

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Don't Panic

Monday March 8, 2010 04:00 am EST
Like many victims of long-ago crimes, if the Armenians can't have justice, they at least want recognition | more...

Don't Panic

Monday March 1, 2010 03:00 pm EST

image-1Let's play trivia!

There's no cheating, so turn off your smart phones and shut down your computer or else you're disqualified (unless you're reading this on a computer or a smart phone, in which case, never mind).

OK, ready?

Q: Which NATO giant has a powerful and vocal ultra-nationalist minority that refuses to accept the result of the country's fair, democratic elections,...

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Don't Panic

Monday March 1, 2010 04:00 am EST
Americans may kvetch about our red vs. blue bipolar politics, - but we've got nothing on Turkey | more...

Don't Panic

Monday February 22, 2010 05:10 pm EST

image-1Every few months, the War On Terror™ needs a turning point.

If not an actual turning point, then at least a mythical turning point – an exciting event that allows journalists and pundits discussing the war to say things like "this is a turning point" or "we may be at a turning point" or the ultra weasel-y and kinda passive-aggressive "Are we at a turning point?"

Past...

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Don't Panic

Monday February 22, 2010 04:00 am EST
Beating Taliban forces on the battlefield again and again is not a turning point | more...

Don't Panic

Monday February 15, 2010 08:51 pm EST

image-1The West's nuclear standoff with Iran has been going on forever. OK, maybe not quite forever, but it sure feels like forever. It was 2002 when the world figured out Iran was building a secret uranium-enrichment facility. Just think about how different the world was in 2002.

Back then, Barack Obama was still an Illinois state senator. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was an engineering teacher. A...

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Don't Panic

Monday February 15, 2010 04:00 am EST
Will more economic sanctions keep Tehran off the nukes? | more...

Don't Panic

Monday February 8, 2010 05:40 pm EST

image-1President Obama's State of the Union address was a disappointment.

Don't get me wrong, it was a perfectly acceptable speech, but the event itself lacked the visceral drama I've come to expect from political gatherings with so many Republicans in the audience.

When they get together, GOP-types love to call Obama a Socialist, a Communist, a fascist, Hitler, Stalin, Mao,...

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Don't Panic

Monday February 8, 2010 04:00 am EST
Unlike many of Obama's other big first-year promises like health care or closing Gitmo, this one is actually on schedule | more...

Don't Panic

Monday February 1, 2010 05:50 pm EST

image-1After nearly a decade of study, more than 400 columns written, and half a bottle of rum this morning, I have uncovered what I believe may be the three immutable presidential laws of the War On Terror™.

Law No. 1: Lofty foreign objectives are important, except when they aren't.

When the U.S. invaded Iraq, President Bush's stated goals were to remove a nuclear, chemical,...

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Don't Panic

Monday February 1, 2010 04:00 am EST
Or will the U.S. pound the crap out of the Taliban until they sign a peace deal | more...

Don't Panic

Monday January 25, 2010 02:00 pm EST

image-1When difficult questions arise, I often turn to the cast of the Lethal Weapon movies for quick answers.

Q: Should I go inside to order food, or pull up to the drive-thru window?

A: "Don't ever go up to the drive-thru, OK? Always walk up to the counter," says Joe Pesci's character Leo Getz in Lethal Weapon 2. "They fuck you at the drive-thru."

Q: Who's responsible for all...

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Don't Panic

Monday January 25, 2010 04:00 am EST
People don't die because earthquakes shake them. They die because poorly-made buildings fall on top of them. | more...

Don't Panic

Monday January 18, 2010 02:00 pm EST

image-1The U.S.’ reaction to last week’s devastating earthquake in Haiti has, in many ways, been gratifying. Whadya know — we actually care a little.

Sure, there will always be Rush Limbaughs and Pat Robertsons sticking their dicks in the metaphorical mashed potatoes with predictably hate-filled racist outbursts. But so far, anyway, the reactions of the public, commercial...

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Don't Panic

Monday January 18, 2010 04:00 am EST
We can expect the U.S. military to be quite good as sort of a 911 service, but not much beyond that | more...

Don't Panic

Monday January 11, 2010 04:14 pm EST

image-1How are your New Year's resolutions working for you?

Mine are going well. I find that the key to success is setting realistic goals. More than a week into 2010, I'm still keeping my New Year's vow to gain weight, spend less time with my friends, watch more TV, and update my Twitter feed more while I'm driving.

Government policy initiatives aren't quite the same as New Year's...

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Don't Panic

Monday January 11, 2010 04:00 am EST
Obama's objectives include getting out of Iraq as quickly as possible while delving deeper into anywhere else that al-Qaida operatives are cramming explosives under their nutsacks | more...

Don't Panic

Monday January 4, 2010 02:00 pm EST

image-1For many Americans, welcoming a new year means champagne, dancing, discharging firearms skyward, college football, collards, black-eyed peas, Black Eyed Peas, Dick Clark and/or Ryan Seacrest, electrified mechanical apples, a midnight kiss, feeling sad about not getting a midnight kiss, vomiting, and headaches.

As if that wasn't enough fun for one holiday, Americans are getting an...

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Don't Panic

Monday January 4, 2010 04:00 am EST
Yemen could be set to join Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan and Somalia on the list of countries Americans plan to bomb until its residents like us | more...

Don't Panic

Monday December 28, 2009 06:51 pm EST

image-1There's plenty to dislike about living in London.

It's wet. It's cold. It's expensive. In December, the sun goes down before 4 p.m. And for reasons I'll never understand, London radio stations regularly play the music of Robbie Williams.

Living in London has some upsides, though.

You could go to the British Museum every weekend for the rest of your life and never see...

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