Don’t Panic: Did Bush’s War On Terror succeed in Somalia? News Features
image-1With just a few pages remaining on our “countdown to a president who can actually pronounce the word ‘nuclear’ and who doesn’t look or act like he sprouted from the egg of a dim-witted chimpanzee fertilized by the irradiated sperm of Roy Rogers” page-a-day calendars, George W. Bush has already given up even pretending he’s president.
Instead, Dubya is...
| more...Don’t Panic: Why is Israel bombing Gaza? News Features
Don’t Panic! offers some New Year’s resolutions for 2009 News Features
I’m tired of making New Year’s resolutions I can’t keep.
This year, I’m going to be realistic about personal goals.
In 2009, I plan to gain weight, watch more TV, read less, keep a messy desk, and take at least four days to return phone calls.
I plan to tally my personal progress in a journal I’ll update every night before bed – until mid-January.
Sometime around Jan. 18, I’ll go to sleep...
| more...What’s your year-end list? News Features
Ahhh, the year-end list.
For news writers, it’s a subtle signal to readers that their publication has early holiday deadlines and they had to hurry up and turn something in.
For critics, it’s often an exercise in hipper-than-thou opacity.
“Wouldn’t it be sweet if an album took the prickly psych damage of Black Dice but made it work in the context of epic rock, so that it had the cathartic...
| more...Don’t Panic: Five People Who Also Should Have Had Shoes Thrown At Them In 2008 News Features
image-1Because you can’t be a journalist in late December without writing lists . . .
Five People Who Also Should Have Had Shoes Thrown At Them In 2008
5. Nouri al-Maliki – After Iraqi journalist Muntadar al-Zeidi threw his shoes at President Bush at a press conference in Iraq this month, Bush tried to spin the incident as a size 10 vindication of the Iraq war. “That’s...
| more...Don’t Panic: Top Five Best-Named World Leaders of 2008 News Features
What is Lashkar-e-Taiba? News Features
Lashkar-e-Taiba sounds like the name of a perky, South Asian ice-dancing duo.
“Taiba’s triple lutz was the crowd pleaser, but it was Lashkar’s flawless camel spin that really wowed the judges.”
But don’t let the cute moniker fool you. Lashkar-e-Taiba is a terrorist group headquartered in Pakistan. It’s a very, very, (very!) dangerous organization.
Audience shouts: “How dangerous is it?”...
| more...Don’t Panic: What is Lashkar-e-Taiba? News Features
image-1Lashkar-e-Taiba sounds like the name of a perky, South Asian ice-dancing duo. “Taiba’s triple lutz was the crowd pleaser, but it was Lashkar’s flawless camel spin that really wowed the judges.”
But don’t let the cute moniker fool you. Lashkar-e-Taiba is a terrorist group headquartered in Pakistan. It’s a very, very, (very!) dangerous organization....
| more...Don’t Panic: What are the goals of the War On Terror? (part deux) News Features
image-1Last week, in a column correctly described as the best newspaper column I wrote last week, I noted that the focus of the War On Terror™ has shifted from the Middle East to South Asia.
Public discussion of this shift tends to dwell on Afghanistan – where American talking-heads are hoping former Surgin’ Gen. David Petraeus will be able to produce a successful sequel to his...
| more...What are the goals of the War On Terror? (part deux) News Features
Last week, in a column correctly described as the best newspaper column I wrote last week, I noted that the focus of the War On Terror™ has shifted from the Middle East to South Asia.
Public discussion of this shift tends to dwell on Afghanistan – where American talking-heads are hoping former Surgin’ Gen. David Petraeus will be able to produce a successful sequel to his Iraq success. Call it...
| more...What are the goals of War On Terror? News Features
This whole War On Terror™ thing is way old.
When it started, there were no iPods, Enron was one of the most widely admired companies in the world. And the word Bluetooth sounded to most people like a dental affliction.
This war has gone on for so long, in fact, that our war aims are no longer clear.
The Iraq war was sold to the American people as an attempt to rid the Middle East of a...
| more...Why is piracy thriving in Somalia? News Features
With the print journalism biz heading down the crapper, many in my profession are pondering a career change.
For a while I thought I might like to open a pub. I like chitchat. I like booze. The only down side is that I also like fresh air.
I’ve also considered a career in dog-walking. I like dogs. I like walking. I even have a name for my business: What Up, Dog? Unfortunately, I don’t think...
| more...Don’t Panic: Will Obama bring peace with Iran? News Features
Will the end of the Bush administration bring peace between the U.S. and Iran? News Features
Barack Obama’s not even president yet, but he’s already honoring his controversial campaign pledge to hold face-to-face meetings with America’s worst enemies. Last week he met with George W. Bush.
Bush gave Obama a tour of some of the White House, including the Oval Office, the Lincoln Bedroom, the Nixon Incinerator, the William Henry Harrison Office Supply Closet, etc.
The pair also...
| more...Don’t Panic: Which lesser known world crises do you want Obama to solve first? News Features
Which lesser known world crises do you want Obama to solve first? News Features
Barack Obama will become the 44th president of the United States in about nine weeks.
This means we can reasonably expect all of the world’s problems to be solved by May 2009.
That may seem like a long time, but you have to remember – the Obamas are getting a new puppy for their daughters. We all know how much time a new puppy can take up.
Everyone’s aware of the marquis problems Obama’s...
| more...Could a U.S. pullout from Iraq begin in a matter of weeks? News Features
By the time this column passes in front of your eyes, our nation will have selected one of two change-promisin’ U.S. senators to be the next president of the United States.
One of the many differences between change-we-can-believe-in guy and change-that-feels-all-mavericky guy are their policies on keeping U.S. forces in Iraq.
Change-we-can-believe-in guy attracted much of his political base...
| more...Don’t Panic: Is there a bright side to our economic despair? News Features
Is there a foreign policy bright side to our current economic despair? News Features
It’s increasingly likely that the United States economy is falling into its deepest recession in a quarter-century.
Unemployment is rising. Retirement funds are dwindling. And one of the only sectors of the housing industry that’s doing well is locksmithing. When banks repossess homes after foreclosure, they have to put new locks on the doors.
Even members of the liberal media elite, such as...
| more...Is the pissiness between the U.S. and France over? News Features
It’s hard to remember sometimes that France and the United States actually are each other’s oldest foreign friends.
French assistance was critical to the success of the American Revolution against Great Britain. In fact, if not for French help, we’d probably all be speaking English right now. We repaid the favor – most notably during the two world wars, when we twice helped the French drive...
| more...Has the Bush Administration done enough to protect us from nuclear weapons? News Features
The Internet is a marvelous thing.
It allows me to do half my research and writing of these columns on my couch in my underwear – and the other half nude at the desk in my spare bedroom.
Unfortunately, the same technology that makes it possible for me to take business-casual to disturbing extremes also makes it possible for terrorists to MURDER MILLIONS OF AMERICANS IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE!!!...
| more...Is the North Korea nuclear deal unraveling? News Features
Just because John Bolton is crazy doesn’t mean he’s not correct sometimes.
Bolton is a former Bush State Department diplomat best known for his broom-thick mustache, and, oddly enough, his apparent contempt for the very concept of foreign diplomacy.
He hates the idea of international courts and once said “it wouldn’t make a bit of difference” if the United Nations headquarters building in New...
| more...Is a new Cold War starting? News Features
What a difference seven years makes.
Back in ‘01, the days when Americans feared Russians as God-hating robots scheming to turn North America into a toilet-paperless, collectivized potato farm were but a far-off memory.
Relations between the two nuclear giants were more than pleasant. In June ‘01, in fact, President Bush and then Russian President Vladimir Putin had their first face-to-face...
| more...Don’t Panic: Thailand’s leader ousted News Features
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Thailand has a lot going for it. It’s high on my list of 1,001 places to visit before I die(t).
The people seem very kind. At least the ones I’ve met.
Its economy is dynamic.
The food is amazing.
And based on a Google search, Thai ladyboys are considered among the most attractive women with penises in the entire world.
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