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Sippin' on some syrup

Our critics take a swig of Lil Jon's Crunk Juice

Crunk Juice, the new album by Atlanta's Lil Jon and the East Side Boyz, is one of the most anticipated releases of the season. Here's our take on some of the album's chronic-worthy highs and stank-butt lows.

Track 1)"Crunk Juice"

Craig: What was that he just said? It's not a good sign when you don't understand the first line of an album.

Track 2) "Get Crunk," featuring Bo Hagon

"East Side, East Side, nigga/West Side, West Side, nigga/North Side, North Side, nigga/South Side, South Side, nigga"

Heather: It's like he's giving us directions.

Craig: Yeah, it's hip-hop MapQuest.

Track 3) "What U Gon' Do," featuring Lil Scrappy

Craig: I like this beat better. It's bouncier.

Heather: It's dirty stripper music. This will be the "ladies" song.

Craig: What is this song about, anyway? Is he saying "What you gonna do? Shit!" Why would he want anyone to shit?

Heather: No, he's saying that they ain't gonna do shit. It's about some punk getting all up in his face.

Track 7) "Contract," featuring Trillville, Jazze Pha, and Pimpin Ken

Craig: Pimpin Ken? Does Barbie know about this?

Heather: It's what he does after he leaves the office.

"Hey bitch, sign your name on the dotted line/'cause you belong to me."

Heather: This isn't exactly a pro-woman song.

Craig: It's a pimp tutorial. Pimpin' for dummies.

"A bitch ... is only good for sucking dick/... Bitch, you better pay me."

Craig: She's sucking his dick and paying him''?

Heather: She should've gotten a better lawyer to look over that contract.

Track 10) "Stop F***kin Wit Me"

Craig: Rick Rubin produced this one, but it's no "Walk This Way."

Heather: With the Slayer sample, it reminds me of one of that Public Enemy/Anthrax collaboration.

Craig: Of course, P.E. were talking about more than not wanting to pay their baby mama's child support.

Heather: Crunk has the same appeal as heavy metal. As long as you shout and sound really angry, no one cares what you're saying.

Track 11) "Chris Rock Let's Be Friends"

"Now, I hate when some bitch says, 'Let's be friends.' Yeah, I want to be the friend who's fucking you in the ass, bitch!"

Craig: Finally, an interlude worth its nine seconds.

Track 12) "Lovers and Friends," featuring Usher and Ludacris

Craig: Did someone switch the CD? What's this Usher slow jam doing on a Lil Jon CD?

Heather: Yeah, this sounds like something they'd play at an eighth-grade dance. And that Chris Rock intro seems like an odd lead-in to an Usher song. But I'd love for Usher to say those words. Can you imagine him at the American Music Awards — "I'd like to thank God for this award, and I want to be the one fucking you in the ass, bitch!"

Track 13) "One Night Stand," featuring Oobie

Craig: A stripper could make a lot of money lap dancing to this one. The singer sounds like she's giving a lap dance.

Heather: But what kind of a name is Oobie for a female R&B singer?

Craig: True, she needs to add an "anti" or "oynce" to it.

Track 14) "Aww Skeet Skeet," featuring DJ Flexx

Heather: This one has a D.C. go-go beat.

Craig: Is the crowd really chanting, "Awww, skeet skeet?"

Heather: Do you think white people have figured out what "skeet" means yet?

Craig: I don't know, but they should pump this at sperm banks and fertility clinics.

Track 19) "Stick That Thang Out (Skeezer)," featuring Ying Yang Twins and Pharrell Williams

Craig: This is a kinda generic Neptunes groove. And Pharrell is rapping fast like he has another artist waiting in the next studio.

"Scrub the floor/Scrub the floor" (Lil Jon).

Heather: Now, that is low. It's like, dance and clean my house.

music@creativeloafing.com
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