The Blotter

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  ["title"]=>
  string(39) "The Blotter: Best of the Blotter (2016)"
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  string(25) "2019-07-15T20:18:04+00:00"
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  string(25) "2017-12-27T00:18:41+00:00"
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    string(29) "ben.eason@creativeloafing.com"
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  ["date"]=>
  string(25) "2016-07-14T08:00:00+00:00"
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  string(39) "The Blotter: Best of the Blotter (2016)"
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  string(29) "ben.eason@creativeloafing.com"
  ["tracker_field_contentCreator_text"]=>
  string(9) "Ben Eason"
  ["tracker_field_contentByline"]=>
  string(14) "Lauren Keating"
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  string(14) "Lauren Keating"
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  ["tracker_field_description"]=>
  string(51) "A roundup of most bizarre crimes from the past year"
  ["tracker_field_description_raw"]=>
  string(51) "A roundup of most bizarre crimes from the past year"
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  string(25) "2016-07-14T08:00:00+00:00"
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  string(49) "Content:_:The Blotter: Best of the Blotter (2016)"
  ["tracker_field_contentWikiPage_text"]=>
  string(26622) "People love to tell me their favorite Blotter stories. It amuses me how much pride people display when their friends make it into the column. "Remember the one-eyed man dressed up as a Squirrel Superhero, who stole his neighbor's acorns? That was my friend!" Or "Remember the drunk and stoned lady who insisted alien 'buzzing' noises were emitting from her bed? She called police, warning of imminent intergalactic invasion. Cops found her pink vibrator — turned on and buzzing — stuffed under her mattress. That was my best friend!"

And it's always a "friend." Sometimes I bet they really mean, "That was me in the Blotter!" But they don't want to admit it. And that's OK. I'll keep those naughty secrets safe. Their blissfully euphoric, goofy grins and proud swagger are all the clues I need.

Here are my favorite Blotter moments from the past year. Enjoy!

— The Blotter Diva

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!!IDENTITY DELUSIONS OF THE YEAR
Holy infant, so tender and coiled

Cops received a call about a "woman refusing to leave" an Old Fourth Ward motel. "I met with the woman. She said that she had a bomb," the cop noted. "She did not have a bomb — it was clothing under her shirt in the shape of a baby."

"I pulled the clothes out of the bottom of her shirt, after placing her in cuffs," the cop noted. "She then accused me of aborting her baby. She said that she was an Anaconda."

For the grand finale, the woman screamed a bizarre threat directed at the cop: "I am going to wrap around you and bite your dick off!"

The cop took the woman to Grady Memorial Hospital for a mental evaluation. "She was not cooperative ... she continued to threaten harm and ... to spit on any staff member close to her."

Flexible space oddity

Outside a West End shopping mall, a cop saw a black car stopped with a twitchy male driver inside "The driver had a very hostile demeanor toward me," the cop noted. "I asked him why he was so agitated. He advised that he felt that he was being harassed and that he didn't do anything wrong."

The driver, a 34-year-old man from Douglasville, admitted to consuming alcoholic beverages before getting into his car. The man said he was bipolar and has a thyroid condition. "His movements were very erratic," the cop noted.

The driver failed several field sobriety tests and blew more than three times the legal limit for blood-alcohol content. "It took me and multiple other officers to hold the driver on the hood of my patrol vehicle in order to finish searching him," the cop noted. "While in the rear of my patrol vehicle, the driver became increasingly irate. He screamed that we were extorting and kidnapping people. At one point, the driver screamed, 'I'm an alien!' and also screamed, 'Can you suck your own dick?'"

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!!LOONY LADIES OF THE YEAR
Chicken McNutty

In Buckhead Village, a 23-year-old man was driving along East Paces Ferry Road when a woman jumped into the street and started hurling bottles at his new silver Jeep. One bottle struck the Jeep's door. After he drove by, the woman started flinging bottles at another car, so the man called police.

A cop found the bottle-launcher — a 30-year-old woman from Auburn, Georgia — and sat her down for a chat.

"The woman said she was getting off of work from the chicken processing plant near the location and wanted to get her car from the valet, which was driving in circles around her," the cop noted. "She said she threw bottles at the cars due to the fact that she thought one of them belonged to her, and her car had been stolen from her."

The cop found the woman's story quite bizarre — there's no chicken processing plant in Buckhead Village. "She did not appear to be in her right state of mind," the cop noted. "She said she had been working at the chicken processing plant, which is now actually a multi-living apartment building."

The woman went to jail for disorderly conduct.

Planting ahead

A cop saw a woman "seated in a flower bed" outside an apartment complex in Midtown. The 58-year-old woman was clutching a purple purse and wearing a hospital armband. The officer said he "asked her kindly to get out of the flower bed," and she refused. After asking her a second and third time, the woman stood up and began ranting, "You just want to slam me to the ground and take me to jail!" The cop replied, "No, I Just need you to get out of the flower bed, that's all."

The woman decided to get out of the flower bed and then ran into oncoming traffic on Peachtree Street yelling, "Fuck you!" The woman ignored the officer's commands to get back on the sidewalk and ran further into traffic. Eventually, the officer got her back on the sidewalk and arrested her for violating her pedestrian duties.

Eyes wide shut

A cop patrolling a Sweet Auburn park saw two men smoking at public picnic tables inside a pavilion. The cop approached the smoking men and overheard other people inside the pavilion warning a woman to throw away her liquor bottle before the cop arrived. "She waved them off and refused to listen as I approached," the cop noted. "Once at the pavilion, I observed the female ... had an open 50ml bottle of Jack Daniels Old No. 7 Black Label."

The cop gave tickets to the two smoking men and the woman for violating park ordinances. "The woman loudly stated that she was legally blind and could not read the ticket, although she was playing a game on her cell phone when I approached her," the cop recalled. "She requested to write that she was legally blind on the ticket and did so on the bottom of the ticket. She then signed the ticket without hesitation." The woman, 49, hails from Grant Park.

Naked and afraid

In Ansley Park, cops responded to a dispute between a 36-year-old woman subletting a home to a couple with a 1-year-old son. The distraught parents said they came home one day and the 36-year-old landlord was alledgedly "running around the home naked." The parents claim the naked landlord snatched their 1-year-old son out of bed. By the time police arrived, the naked landlord had disappeared.

Days later, the agitated landlord returned to the home while everyone was asleep and started screaming and yelling until everyone woke up. The father, fearing for his son's safety, called 911. As she tried to flee, the landlord hopped into her car, put it in reverse, and nearly hit the father as she backed out to the street. The landlord is described as an unstable drug user. Police told the parents to change the locks to their home.

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!!DAFT DUDES OF THE YEAR
Furry frenzy

A cop received a call about a possible dispute with a weapon at a fast-food restaurant on Metropolitan Parkway. "Upon my arrival, the fast-food restaurant employees pointed to a 27-year-old in the store wearing a red Papa John's uniform and a fuzzy hat in the shape of an animal," a cop noted.

Earlier, the same cop had responded to two calls from the same restaurant, including one from the man in the fuzzy hat himself.

The man began to yell at the cop and shouted, "They are conspiring against me! It's a set up!"

The cop handcuffed the man for safety purposes, noting, "He stated that the items on the table were his evidence that his ex-girlfriend ... and her manager were trying to set him up. The items included two Xbox 360 games, his house phone, his son's walkie-talkie, two sets of keys, a jacket, chapstick, his cellphone, and his wallet.

The cop asked the man how the items counted as evidence. The man replied, "It's all there!"

Suddenly, the man in the fuzzy hat blurted, "Officer, I don't feel so good. I need Grady." He claimed to be fainting, and began to lie down on the floor. Then he got up and leaned his head on a table.

"While waiting on medics, the man stood up again and began yelling at his ex-girlfriend in the middle of the lobby," the cop wrote. "He shouted at her, 'Are you going to suck me or fuck me?' in front of others in the restaurant." The cop ordered the man to sit down.

The man's ex-girlfriend agreed to talk to police, but she refused to give her last name. She said the man in the fuzzy hat has come into the fast-food restaurant for the past three days harassing her and the customers because they recently broke up.

Medics examined the man, who refused to go to the hospital. "I got you," he shouted. "Something is coming, I got you. You took my job away from my kids."

At this point, the cop arrested the man for disorderly conduct and took him to jail. The man asked that all his belongings and "evidence" be left with his ex-girlfriend because she would give his evidence to his grandmother.

Chasin' Jason

In East Point, a 24-year-old man had a strange encounter with a guy in a white hockey mask. While walking home from a MARTA station, the man heard a woman talking to herself. The man glanced over his shoulder, spotted the woman, and wondered why she was talking to herself.

The man looked back again and saw two oddly dressed guys following him. One guy wore a white hockey mask on his face, a black T-shirt with "Trill Gang" written in gold, and green pants with a floral print. The second guy wore a lime-green shirt with stripes.

"Why aren't you guys laughing?" the strange lady asked. The 24-year-old said he and the two guys "began a casual conversation" about the strange woman. "What's wrong with her?" he asked. "We don't know," the hockey-mask guy replied.

Then, the hockey-mask guy whipped out a gun and pointed it at the 24-year-old while his accomplice stole his cell phone and wallet.

Minutes later, the 24-year-old flagged down police. Cops quickly tracked the suspects to a nearby apartment complex. The Jason Voorhees wannabe came out with his hands in the air. He'd ditched his white hockey mask. Cops searched him and found the 24-year-old's cell phone along with a stolen gold chain necklace with a gold cross and a gold watch. Alas, the white hockey mask is still at large.

Terminal meltdown

At Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport, a 40-year-old man triggered a brouhaha at the Spirit Airlines counter. "He was yelling to the point that everyone in the terminal was focused on him," the cop said. "The man ranted about his Social Security check, outraged because there's only $66 in his bank account."

Loud Guy declared that he's no bum. Sitting on the floor, he spread his legs and waved his hands in the air as he yelled.

"Lower your voice right now," the cop ordered. Loud Guy's howls hit earsplitting levels. "He could not be reasoned with, he would not listen, and he ranted Bible verses while making accusations that he would be murdered. He screamed that he was HIV positive, that he had hepatitis B and C," the cop noted.

Then Loud Guy blended religion and drugs for his final words to the growing crowd. "He recited Bible verses, asking us to kill him," a cop wrote. "He stated he was smart with his IQ at 140. He also advised he used crystal meth 105 times in the past four years — along with once yesterday. He even asked if he was murdered." Loud Guy's meth voyage quickly ended with a lengthy mental exam.

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!!HOW TO STAY SINGLE
Flirting with disaster

A 21-year-old woman left her apartment in Edgewood for two days. When she returned, her rear window was smashed. A knife was positioned on the kitchen table near the shattered window. "Someone placed an inflated air mattress over the window," a cop noted. Nothing was missing from the woman's apartment. "A pair of tennis shoes that had been in her bedroom were now sitting on the couch," the cop observed. "She advised that the intruders may have watched TV while they were inside the home." The woman said something similar happened recently, but she didn't call police. "She advised after the first time, she received a note on her door, which read: 'I broke into your house, but I think you are cute.'" No suspects.

Wannabe groupie

A 30-year-old Stone Mountain woman refused to pay her tab at a Downtown hotel bar. A cop asked the woman why she wouldn't pay for her booze. The woman replied, "I am not paying because the Musically Incline Men are going to pay for my drinks."

The cop noted, "There were no Music Men, nor any men inside the bar at the time." According to the bartender, the woman did not come to the bar with any men or drink with any men while at bar. "She asked for a water, walked out, and then came back inside the bar for one Maker's Mark."

The woman went to jail, charged with failing to pay her $10.55 bar tab. Maybe she'll meet a cute musician in the slammer.

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!!PEOPLE STEAL WEIRD SHIT
Pilfering fame

In Glenwood Park, a 42-year-old woman said she parked her Porsche in a secure parking lot one night. The next morning, her front passenger window was shattered and "a placard award bearing her name was stolen" from the car. Nothing else was missing. The Blotter Diva wonders: How valuable is an award with someone else's name on it?

Twisted mister

A 46-year-old man walked into a big-box superstore with an unusual mission: to steal a Twister game, two packs of ground beef, and one package of turkey. He didn't get very far, though. Security guards tackled him. The man went to jail for allegedly shoplifting $35.62 worth of meat and the board game.

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!!MIND-ALTERING MISHAPS
Firestarter

A rowdy 38-year-old woman refused to leave a gas station/convenience store on Martin Luther King Jr. Drive. According to a store clerk, the woman allegedly threatened to burn the gas pumps with a stick of incense that she just shoplifted. Given the potential fire hazard, the clerk called police.

The woman was still clutching a lit stick of incense when the officer arrived. And she smelled of booze. The cop noted, "On the transport ride to City Jail, the woman kept screaming and yelling cusswords at me"

At the jail, the woman apparently switched focus. The cop noted: "She urinated all over herself and the holding area and started yelling even louder about a Lotto ticket."

Bang your head

Police received a call about an inebriated man stumbling down the street in East Atlanta. When a cop found the tipsy guy, "he was head-butting the telephone pole" on Memorial Drive.

"He was talking to himself in heavily slurred words and the front of his pants were soaked in what was most likely his own urine," the cop noted. "The man said he had been drinking all day with 'some guy' and that I needed to go get his money back for him. All the man would talk about was that he went 'somewhere' with 'someone' and he passed out from drinking too much. When he woke up, he began to walk home and then noticed that he didn't have his money anymore."

The cop continued: "The entire time that I was talking to the man he was stumbling side to side and even fell over twice onto the sidewalk." The man, 54, went to jail, charged with disorderly conduct.

Stupid stoner

A 29-year-old man called police after a skinny drug dealer nicknamed "Ace" reportedly ripped him off in Virginia-Highland.

From the victim's report: "I was robbed by Ace for $300 close to Little Five Points on St. Charles while trying to purchase some weed. I got in the car with Ace and some other guy I never seen before. ... We entered the car, and the driver pulls off and stops and pulls out a big knife. Ace then pulls out a shiny gun and says, 'Fuck ... give it up.'" Ace and his accomplice reportedly stole $300 cash and the man's wallet.

Ace is described as a tall, slim man "with a goatee not connected to a beard," according to the police report.

The cop patiently took the 29-year-old man's statement about getting robbed by his drug dealer. Then, the cop arrested the man for attempting to purchase marijuana — a crime he had just confessed to — and took him to jail. Perhaps next time a drug dealer rips you off, just let it go.

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!!EROTIC ADVENTURES OF THE YEAR
Love of art

A man got amorous with outdoor statues outside the High Museum of Art. "Upon my arrival, I witnessed the suspect with his pants down and his genitals exposed, fondling a statue in front of the location," a cop noted. A security guard said that earlier, he caught the frisky fellow in the act of rubbing the statues and repeatedly asked the man to leave. Cops took the 21-year-old art lover to jail on a public indecency charge.

Don't be shy

In the Edgewood neighborhood, a woman spotted a man "making loud noises and pleasuring himself" while she drove home on Walthall Street. "She stated he kept doing this for 30 minutes," a cop noted. Another Edgewood man reported "strange noises." The man stepped outside his home and saw a naked couple fornicating on the sidewalk. Still groping, the hedonist duo got up, strolled over to a nearby vacant lot, and continued to perform various sex acts.

A cop arrived and "heard sounds commonly associated with sexual intercourse coming from an open lot." The horny exhibitionist couple — a 25-year-old man and a 39-year-old woman — went to jail on public indecency charges.

Sidecar Sally

An officer responded to a dispute at an apartment in Midtown. "Upon my arrival, I was met at the door by a 36-year-old married woman, who appeared to be distraught and stated that her side piece (a.k.a. the man she is sleeping with) was upset because she asked him to leave her apartment and he grabbed her hair," the cop noted. "After grabbing her hair, he put his hand on her face, pushed it away. She ran downstairs and into her garage. Once in the garage, she locked herself in her car and used her husband's (who has been out of town this month) phone to call police."

The woman's "side piece" was still pissed, and his next move suggested their fling may be nearing an end. The cop noted, "He grabbed her house keys and threw them in the sewer and left her apartment to return home to see his girlfriend." The married woman requested a police report — even though she repeatedly said she wasn't hurt and declined an ambulance.

Touching faith

In the front yard of a large Midtown church, a 33-year-old naked man who was laying in the grass started to pleasure himself — during church services. Flustered, a church employee called authorities. Cops dragged the nude 33-year-old man from church grounds.

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!!NASTY NEIGHBORS OF THE YEAR
Brown trickle woes

A war between neighbors that had been brewing for two years finally bubbled over at a Midtown condominium building. The opponents: two male neighbors who live above/below each other. The lower-floor neighbor, a 46-year-old man, claimed "the ceiling light fixture in his bathroom was leaking a brown fluid — suspected methamphetamine" from his neighbors' upstairs unit, a cop noted.

The man described his upstairs neighbor as a "chubbily built" man in his 40s with brown hair and glasses.The man also said the upstairs neighbor has an aggressive dog, which is forbidden by condo rules, and claims the dog has attacked residents and visitors at the condominium. "The dog also alledgedly bit someone at the location," the cop noted. The man said the condo association found out about the dog, issued a memo to evict it, and is now charging the upstairs neighbor a $25 daily penalty until the dog is gone. The man said throngs of people are constantly coming and going from the upstairs neighbor's place, and sometimes people enter by climbing a wall. He described a previous instance when his ceiling was leaking brownish fluid ("suspected methamphetamine"), and he walked upstairs, knocked on his neighbor's door, and heard "items rattling and fast footsteps as though he is hiding something illegally suspicious." The man said he walked inside and saw "a sheet covering possibly suspicious items over the bathtub," according to the police report. Police took a sample of the brown liquid dripping from the ceiling to test for possible methamphetamine.

Walk the line

In Ansley Park, two lady neighbors had an epic showdown about the property line dividing their homes. The first neighbor, 47, called a surveyor to resolve the ongoing dispute. When the surveyor arrived, the second neighbor, 64, walked outside, yelled at the surveyor, and displayed "very irate and unstable behavior," a cop noted.

The second neighbor said she's "too nervous to go back home" so the cop agreed to meet her at a nearby gas station on Peachtree Street to hear her side of the story. The second neighbor's rant about the property line squabble "went on for almost an hour," the cop noted. "She is the primary issue in the dispute and is the problem."

Even though Halloween was long past, the second neighbor has "a Halloween decoration with a tombstone and some orange cones facing the front door of her neighbor's property," the cop observed. "This is an example of some of the small things that she is doing to harass her neighbor."

Smell the magic

On the Westside, police busted two young men for stealing a UPS package off their neighbor's porch. Police got a search warrant for the townhouse, where the two men, ages 17 and 20, were hiding. The mother attempted to persuade police that her boys weren't involved. "The mother makes this claim of her son's innocence due to him acknowledging the theft taking place, making mention of it via Facetime, and mentioning the stupidity of the criminal act," the cop noted. His virtual confession was all police needed.

Inside the UPS package, cops found a massive supply of "super-absorbent advanced odor control pads." The Blotter Diva wonders: Why would two young guys want a gazillion odor-control pads?

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!!ANIMAL INSTINCTS
Beefy brawl

A 20-year-old woman recently called police to her grandmother's house in Mechanicsville. "She advised me that several girls she didn't know but followed ... on Instagram had posted videos to Instagram," the cop noted. "The unknown females were outside a house she described as her grandmother's house and yelling for her to come out and squash some beef. She was not concise nor completely forthcoming about the situation that got her involved with the unknown females. She stated she only knew it had something to do with her grandmother being a lesbian."

The woman said one of the unknown females was armed with a knife. "At some point, glass broke, possibly due to a knife being thrown at the window, but the woman could not advise when it happened," the cop noted.

Meat man

In Edgewood, a man said a strange thief dressed in red and black clothing broke into his apartment — while he was home. The thief stole one thing: a box of hamburgers from the refrigerator. The man tried to stop the Hamburglar, who closed the refrigerator door on his head, causing a visible injury.

Vegan thieves

Two men broke into a local discount meat shop through a hole in the roof. The men lowered themselves "through a whole (sic) caused from a previous burglary that had not been fixed," a cop noted. "After making entry, the males grabbed plastic plates and plastic cups and exited the location the same way they entered." The entire incident was captured on surveillance camera.

That's right: Two guys robbed a meat shop but only stole plastic cups and plates.

Special sauce included

A 64-year-old man was accused of swiping various forms of animal flesh at a Downtown grocery store. A cop noted, "I observed the male pulling a package of meat out of his pants."

The cop asked: What else you got in there? After a pause, the man "advised that he had the package of oxtails stuffed in his pants and an onion that he was going to pay for," the cop noted. "The package of oxtails was completely damaged from being stuffed down his pants."

The Blotter Diva wonders: How does a package of meat get "completely damaged" inside someone's pants? Wait. I don't want to know.

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!!BOYS IN BLUE
Just plain bold

A cop recently spotted a man having trouble on the sidewalk outside a nightclub in Midtown. "He was leaning on a parked car and sobbing," the cop noted. "I approached him and asked if he was OK, or if he needed an ambulance. He looked up at me and said, 'I would really like to slap you in the face right now.'"

"I was shocked by his response," the cop wrote. "I did not take him seriously, figuring him to be under the influence of some substance. Before I could determine the appropriate course of action, he swung his open hand and slapped me in the face."

Another cop working near the nightclub tackled the man. Police then handcuffed the man and removed him from the street. The man began to shout and curse during the arrest.

Apparently, the man lost his balance. "I stepped away and turned my back to use the radio and receive my case number from dispatch," the cop noted. "When I turned back around the man was laying on the ground, partially sitting up, with a fresh gash on his right eyebrow and some other scratches on his face."

Sweet patriotism

A very drunk man refused to leave an Atlantic Station candy store. "I just want to get some candy," the 25-year-old man hollered, adding that he did not have to leave because "this is America" and it was his first amendment right to say whatever he wanted to. He allegedly caused a ruckus and bothered other sweets-seeking customers. Management feared he was going to start a fight. A cop noted, "I asked the agitated man for his name and he refused to provide it. I asked the man if he was with anyone who could take care of him and he refused to answer ... His eyes were bloodshot and he was continuing to behave in an agitated manner."

Two cops had to physically escort the tipsy man outside and arrested him for disorderly conduct. "While waiting for transport, the man repeatedly attempted to insult the two cops by calling us 'batty boys' which is Jamaican slang for a homosexual male," the officer noted. The tipsy man "began to talk about the Freemasons and asked one officer if he was a Mason." He went to jail.

Hat can hope, Mr. Grammar

In Grant Park at the Zone 3 police precinct headquarters, an officer found a gray baseball cap in the "Morning Watch" office with a sticky note, which read: "Left in Patrol Car."

"The gray baseball hat has been sitting in the Morning Watch office for about two days," the cop wrote in his report. "The hat states, 'Original Chuck,' on the front. The hat was sitting in their office, hoping someone would recognize it and place it inside Police Property. However, no one came up and recognize it. I transported the gray baseball hat inside the Zone 3 precinct and place the baseball hat into Police Property." Hmm, the Blotter Diva did not know a hat could sit there, "hoping someone would recognize it." Very special hat!"
  ["tracker_field_contentWikiPage_raw"]=>
  string(26859) "People love to tell me their favorite Blotter stories. It amuses me how much pride people display when their friends make it into the column. "Remember the one-eyed man dressed up as a Squirrel Superhero, who stole his neighbor's acorns? That was my friend!" Or "Remember the drunk and stoned lady who insisted alien 'buzzing' noises were emitting from her bed? She called police, warning of imminent intergalactic invasion. Cops found her pink vibrator — turned on and buzzing — stuffed under her mattress. That was my best friend!"

And it's always a "friend." Sometimes I bet they really mean, "That was me in the Blotter!" But they don't want to admit it. And that's OK. I'll keep those naughty secrets safe. Their blissfully euphoric, goofy grins and proud swagger are all the clues I need.

Here are my favorite Blotter moments from the past year. Enjoy!

— The Blotter Diva

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!!IDENTITY DELUSIONS OF THE YEAR
__Holy infant, so tender and coiled__

Cops received a call about a "woman refusing to leave" an Old Fourth Ward motel. "I met with the woman. She said that she had a bomb," the cop noted. "She did not have a bomb — it was clothing under her shirt in the shape of a baby."

"I pulled the clothes out of the bottom of her shirt, after placing her in cuffs," the cop noted. "She then accused me of aborting her baby. She said that she was an Anaconda."

For the grand finale, the woman screamed a bizarre threat directed at the cop: "I am going to wrap around you and bite your dick off!"

The cop took the woman to Grady Memorial Hospital for a mental evaluation. "She was not cooperative ... she continued to threaten harm and ... to spit on any staff member close to her."

__Flexible space oddity__

Outside a West End shopping mall, a cop saw a black car stopped with a twitchy male driver inside "[[The driver] had a very hostile demeanor toward me," the cop noted. "I asked [[him] why he was so agitated. [[He] advised that he felt that he was being harassed and that he didn't do anything wrong."

The driver, a 34-year-old man from Douglasville, admitted to consuming alcoholic beverages before getting into his car. The man said he was bipolar and has a thyroid condition. "[[His] movements were very erratic," the cop noted.

The driver failed several field sobriety tests and blew more than three times the legal limit for blood-alcohol content. "It took me and multiple other officers to hold [[the driver] on the hood of my patrol vehicle in order to finish searching him," the cop noted. "While in the rear of my patrol vehicle, [[the driver] became increasingly irate. [[He] screamed that we were extorting and kidnapping people. At one point, [[the driver] screamed, 'I'm an alien!' and also screamed, 'Can you suck your own dick?'"

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!!LOONY LADIES OF THE YEAR
__Chicken McNutty__

In Buckhead Village, a 23-year-old man was driving along East Paces Ferry Road when a woman jumped into the street and started hurling bottles at his new silver Jeep. One bottle struck the Jeep's door. After he drove by, the woman started flinging bottles at another car, so the man called police.

A cop found the bottle-launcher — a 30-year-old woman from Auburn, Georgia — and sat her down for a chat.

"[[The woman] said she was getting off of work from the chicken processing plant near the location and wanted to get her car from the valet, which was driving in circles around her," the cop noted. "[[She] said she threw bottles at the cars due to the fact that she thought one of them belonged to her, and her car had been stolen from her."

The cop found the woman's story quite bizarre — there's no chicken processing plant in Buckhead Village. "She did not appear to be in her right state of mind," the cop noted. "[[She] said she had been working at the chicken processing plant, which is now actually a multi-living apartment building."

The woman went to jail for disorderly conduct.

__Planting ahead__

A cop saw a woman "seated in a flower bed" outside an apartment complex in Midtown. The 58-year-old woman was clutching a purple purse and wearing a hospital armband. The officer said he "asked her kindly to get out of the flower bed," and she refused. After asking her a second and third time, the woman stood up and began ranting, "You just want to slam me to the ground and take me to jail!" The cop replied, "No, I Just need you to get out of the flower bed, that's all."

The woman decided to get out of the flower bed and then ran into oncoming traffic on Peachtree Street yelling, "Fuck you!" The woman ignored the officer's commands to get back on the sidewalk and ran further into traffic. Eventually, the officer got her back on the sidewalk and arrested her for violating her pedestrian duties.

__Eyes wide shut__

A cop patrolling a Sweet Auburn park saw two men smoking at public picnic tables inside a pavilion. The cop approached the smoking men and overheard other people inside the pavilion warning a woman to throw away her liquor bottle before the cop arrived. "She waved them off and refused to listen as I approached," the cop noted. "Once at the pavilion, I observed the female ... had an open 50ml bottle of Jack Daniels Old No. 7 Black Label."

The cop gave tickets to the two smoking men and the woman for violating park ordinances. "[[The woman] loudly stated that she was legally blind and could not read the ticket, although she was playing a game on her cell phone when I approached her," the cop recalled. "She requested to write that she was legally blind on the ticket and did so on the bottom of the ticket. She then signed the ticket without hesitation." The woman, 49, hails from Grant Park.

__Naked and afraid__

In Ansley Park, cops responded to a dispute between a 36-year-old woman subletting a home to a couple with a 1-year-old son. The distraught parents said they came home one day and the 36-year-old landlord was alledgedly "running around the home naked." The parents claim the naked landlord snatched their 1-year-old son out of bed. By the time police arrived, the naked landlord had disappeared.

Days later, the agitated landlord returned to the home while everyone was asleep and started screaming and yelling until everyone woke up. The father, fearing for his son's safety, called 911. As she tried to flee, the landlord hopped into her car, put it in reverse, and nearly hit the father as she backed out to the street. The landlord is described as an unstable drug user. Police told the parents to change the locks to their home.

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!!DAFT DUDES OF THE YEAR
__Furry frenzy__

A cop received a call about a possible dispute with a weapon at a fast-food restaurant on Metropolitan Parkway. "Upon my arrival, [[the fast-food restaurant] employees [[pointed] to a 27-year-old in the store wearing a red Papa John's uniform and a fuzzy hat in the shape of an animal," a cop noted.

Earlier, the same cop had responded to two calls from the same restaurant, including one from the man in the fuzzy hat himself.

The man began to yell at the cop and shouted, "They are conspiring against me! It's a set up!"

The cop handcuffed the man for safety purposes, noting, "He stated that the items on the table were his evidence that his ex-girlfriend ... and her manager were trying to set him up. The items included two Xbox 360 games, his house phone, his son's walkie-talkie, two sets of keys, a jacket, chapstick, his cellphone, and his wallet.

The cop asked the man how the items counted as evidence. The man replied, "It's all there!"

Suddenly, the man in the fuzzy hat blurted, "Officer, I don't feel so good. I need Grady." He claimed to be fainting, and began to lie down on the floor. Then he got up and leaned his head on a table.

"While waiting on medics, the man stood up again and began yelling at his ex-girlfriend in the middle of the lobby," the cop wrote. "He shouted at her, 'Are you going to suck me or fuck me?' in front of others in the restaurant." The cop ordered the man to sit down.

The man's ex-girlfriend agreed to talk to police, but she refused to give her last name. She said the man in the fuzzy hat has come into the fast-food restaurant for the past three days harassing her and the customers because they recently broke up.

Medics examined the man, who refused to go to the hospital. "I got you," he shouted. "Something is coming, I got you. You took my job away from my kids."

At this point, the cop arrested the man for disorderly conduct and took him to jail. The man asked that all his belongings and "evidence" be left with his ex-girlfriend because she would give his evidence to his grandmother.

__Chasin' Jason__

In East Point, a 24-year-old man had a strange encounter with a guy in a white hockey mask. While walking home from a MARTA station, the man heard a woman talking to herself. The man glanced over his shoulder, spotted the woman, and wondered why she was talking to herself.

The man looked back again and saw two oddly dressed guys following him. One guy wore a white hockey mask on his face, a black T-shirt with "Trill Gang" written in gold, and green pants with a floral print. The second guy wore a lime-green shirt with stripes.

"Why aren't you guys laughing?" the strange lady asked. The 24-year-old said he and the two guys "began a casual conversation" about the strange woman. "What's wrong with her?" he asked. "We don't know," the hockey-mask guy replied.

Then, the hockey-mask guy whipped out a gun and pointed it at the 24-year-old while his accomplice stole his cell phone and wallet.

Minutes later, the 24-year-old flagged down police. Cops quickly tracked the suspects to a nearby apartment complex. The Jason Voorhees wannabe came out with his hands in the air. He'd ditched his white hockey mask. Cops searched him and found the 24-year-old's cell phone along with a stolen gold chain necklace with a gold cross and a gold watch. Alas, the white hockey mask is still at large.

__Terminal meltdown__

At Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport, a 40-year-old man triggered a brouhaha at the Spirit Airlines counter. "He was yelling to the point that everyone in the terminal was focused on him," the cop said. "The man ranted about his Social Security check, outraged because there's only $66 in his bank account."

Loud Guy declared that he's no bum. Sitting on the floor, he spread his legs and waved his hands in the air as he yelled.

"Lower your voice right now," the cop ordered. Loud Guy's howls hit earsplitting levels. "He could not be reasoned with, he would not listen, and he ranted Bible verses while making accusations that he would be murdered. He screamed that he was HIV positive, that he had hepatitis B and C," the cop noted.

Then Loud Guy blended religion and drugs for his final words to the growing crowd. "He recited Bible verses, asking us to kill him," a cop wrote. "He stated he was smart with his IQ at 140. He also advised he used crystal meth 105 times in the past four years — along with once yesterday. He even asked if he was murdered." Loud Guy's meth voyage quickly ended with a lengthy mental exam.

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!!HOW TO STAY SINGLE
__Flirting with disaster__

A 21-year-old woman left her apartment in Edgewood for two days. When she returned, her rear window was smashed. A knife was positioned on the kitchen table near the shattered window. "Someone placed an inflated air mattress over the window," a cop noted. Nothing was missing from the woman's apartment. "A pair of tennis shoes that had been in her bedroom were now sitting on the couch," the cop observed. "She advised that the intruders may have watched TV while they were inside the home." The woman said something similar happened recently, but she didn't call police. "She advised after the first time, she received a note on her door, which read: 'I broke into your house, but I think you are cute.'" No suspects.

__Wannabe groupie__

A 30-year-old Stone Mountain woman refused to pay her tab at a Downtown hotel bar. A cop asked the woman why she wouldn't pay for her booze. The woman replied, "I am not paying because the Musically Incline Men are going to pay for my drinks."

The cop noted, "There were no Music Men, nor any men inside the bar at the time." According to the bartender, the woman did not come to the bar with any men or drink with any men while at bar. "She asked for a water, walked out, and then came back inside the bar for one Maker's Mark."

The woman went to jail, charged with failing to pay her $10.55 bar tab. Maybe she'll meet a cute musician in the slammer.

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!!PEOPLE STEAL WEIRD SHIT
__Pilfering fame__

In Glenwood Park, a 42-year-old woman said she parked her Porsche in a secure parking lot one night. The next morning, her front passenger window was shattered and "a placard award bearing her name was stolen" from the car. Nothing else was missing. The Blotter Diva wonders: How valuable is an award with someone else's name on it?

__Twisted mister__

A 46-year-old man walked into a big-box superstore with an unusual mission: to steal a Twister game, two packs of ground beef, and one package of turkey. He didn't get very far, though. Security guards tackled him. The man went to jail for allegedly shoplifting $35.62 worth of meat and the board game.

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!!MIND-ALTERING MISHAPS
__Firestarter__

A rowdy 38-year-old woman refused to leave a gas station/convenience store on Martin Luther King Jr. Drive. According to a store clerk, the woman allegedly threatened to burn the gas pumps with a stick of incense that she just shoplifted. Given the potential fire hazard, the clerk called police.

The woman was still clutching a lit stick of incense when the officer arrived. And she smelled of booze. The cop noted, "On the transport ride to City Jail, [[the woman] kept screaming and yelling cusswords at me"

At the jail, the woman apparently switched focus. The cop noted: "She urinated all over herself and the holding area and started yelling even louder about a Lotto ticket."

__Bang your head__

Police received a call about an inebriated man stumbling down the street in East Atlanta. When a cop found the tipsy guy, "he was head-butting the telephone pole" on Memorial Drive.

"He was talking to himself in heavily slurred words and the front of his pants were soaked in what was most likely his own urine," the cop noted. "[[The man] said he had been drinking all day with 'some guy' and that I needed to go get his money back for him. All [[the man] would talk about was that he went 'somewhere' with 'someone' and he passed out from drinking too much. When he woke up, he began to walk home and then noticed that he didn't have his money anymore."

The cop continued: "The entire time that I was talking to [[the man] he was stumbling side to side and even fell over twice onto the sidewalk." The man, 54, went to jail, charged with disorderly conduct.

__Stupid stoner__

A 29-year-old man called police after a skinny drug dealer nicknamed "Ace" reportedly ripped him off in Virginia-Highland.

From the victim's report: "I was robbed by Ace for $300 close to Little Five Points on St. Charles while trying to purchase some weed. I got in the car with Ace and some other guy I never seen before. ... We entered the car, and the driver pulls off and stops and pulls out a big knife. Ace then pulls out a shiny gun and says, 'Fuck ... give it up.'" Ace and his accomplice reportedly stole $300 cash and the man's wallet.

Ace is described as a tall, slim man "with a goatee not connected to a beard," according to the police report.

The cop patiently took the 29-year-old man's statement about getting robbed by his drug dealer. Then, the cop arrested the man for attempting to purchase marijuana — a crime he had just confessed to — and took him to jail. Perhaps next time a drug dealer rips you off, just let it go.

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!!EROTIC ADVENTURES OF THE YEAR
__Love of art__

A man got amorous with outdoor statues outside the High Museum of Art. "Upon my arrival, I witnessed the suspect with his pants down and his genitals exposed, fondling a statue in front of the location," a cop noted. A security guard said that earlier, he caught the frisky fellow in the act of rubbing the statues and repeatedly asked the man to leave. Cops took the 21-year-old art lover to jail on a public indecency charge.

__Don't be shy__

In the Edgewood neighborhood, a woman spotted a man "making loud noises and pleasuring himself" while she drove home on Walthall Street. "She stated he kept doing this for 30 minutes," a cop noted. Another Edgewood man reported "strange noises." The man stepped outside his home and saw a naked couple fornicating on the sidewalk. Still groping, the hedonist duo got up, strolled over to a nearby vacant lot, and continued to perform various sex acts.

A cop arrived and "heard sounds commonly associated with sexual intercourse coming from an open lot." The horny exhibitionist couple — a 25-year-old man and a 39-year-old woman — went to jail on public indecency charges.

__Sidecar Sally__

An officer responded to a dispute at an apartment in Midtown. "Upon my arrival, I was met at the door by [[a 36-year-old married woman], who appeared to be distraught and stated that her side piece (a.k.a. the man she is sleeping with) was upset because she asked him to leave her apartment [[and he] grabbed her hair," the cop noted. "After grabbing her hair, he put his hand on her face, pushed it away. She ran downstairs and into her garage. Once in the garage, she locked herself in her car and used her husband's (who has been out of town this month) phone to call police."

The woman's "side piece" was still pissed, and his next move suggested their fling may be nearing an end. The cop noted, "He grabbed her house keys and threw them in the sewer and left her apartment to return home to see his girlfriend." The married woman requested a police report — even though she repeatedly said she wasn't hurt and declined an ambulance.

__Touching faith__

In the front yard of a large Midtown church, a 33-year-old naked man who was laying in the grass started to pleasure himself — during church services. Flustered, a church employee called authorities. Cops dragged the nude 33-year-old man from church grounds.

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!!NASTY NEIGHBORS OF THE YEAR
__Brown trickle woes__

A war between neighbors that had been brewing for two years finally bubbled over at a Midtown condominium building. The opponents: two male neighbors who live above/below each other. The lower-floor neighbor, a 46-year-old man, claimed "the ceiling light fixture in his bathroom was leaking a brown fluid — suspected methamphetamine" from his neighbors' upstairs unit, a cop noted.

The man described his upstairs neighbor as a "chubbily built" man in his 40s with brown hair and glasses.The man also said the upstairs neighbor has an aggressive dog, which is forbidden by condo rules, and claims the dog has attacked residents and visitors at the condominium. "The dog also [[alledgedly] bit someone at the location," the cop noted. The man said the condo association found out about the dog, issued a memo to evict it, and is now charging the upstairs neighbor a $25 daily penalty until the dog is gone. The man said throngs of people are constantly coming and going from the upstairs neighbor's place, and sometimes people enter by climbing a wall. He described a previous instance when his ceiling was leaking brownish fluid ("suspected methamphetamine"), and he walked upstairs, knocked on his neighbor's door, and heard "items rattling and fast footsteps as though he is hiding something illegally suspicious." The man said he walked inside and saw "a sheet covering possibly suspicious items over the bathtub," according to the police report. Police took a sample of the brown liquid dripping from the ceiling to test for possible methamphetamine.

__Walk the line__

In Ansley Park, two lady neighbors had an epic showdown about the property line dividing their homes. The first neighbor, 47, called a surveyor to resolve the ongoing dispute. When the surveyor arrived, the second neighbor, 64, walked outside, yelled at the surveyor, and displayed "very irate and unstable behavior," a cop noted.

The second neighbor said she's "too nervous to go back home" so the cop agreed to meet her at a nearby gas station on Peachtree Street to hear her side of the story. The second neighbor's rant about the property line squabble "went on for almost an hour," the cop noted. "She is the primary issue in the dispute and is the problem."

Even though Halloween was long past, the second neighbor has "a Halloween decoration with a tombstone and some orange cones facing the front door of her neighbor's property," the cop observed. "This is an example of some of the small things that she is doing to harass her neighbor."

__Smell the magic__

On the Westside, police busted two young men for stealing a UPS package off their neighbor's porch. Police got a search warrant for the townhouse, where the two men, ages 17 and 20, were hiding. The mother attempted to persuade police that her boys weren't involved. "The mother makes this claim of her son's innocence due to him acknowledging the theft taking place, making mention of it via Facetime, and mentioning the stupidity of the criminal act," the cop noted. His virtual confession was all police needed.

Inside the UPS package, cops found a massive supply of "super-absorbent advanced odor control pads." The Blotter Diva wonders: Why would two young guys want a gazillion odor-control pads?

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!!ANIMAL INSTINCTS
__Beefy brawl__

A 20-year-old woman recently called police to her grandmother's house in Mechanicsville. "[[She] advised me that several girls she didn't know but followed ... on Instagram had posted videos to Instagram," the cop noted. "The unknown females were outside a house she described as her grandmother's house and yelling for her to come out and squash some beef. She was not concise nor completely forthcoming about the situation that got her involved with the unknown females. [[She] stated she only knew it had something to do with her grandmother being a lesbian."

The woman said one of the unknown females was armed with a knife. "At some point, glass broke, possibly due to a knife being thrown at the window, but [[the woman] could not advise when it happened," the cop noted.

__Meat man__

In Edgewood, a man said a strange thief dressed in red and black clothing broke into his apartment — while he was home. The thief stole one thing: a box of hamburgers from the refrigerator. The man tried to stop the Hamburglar, who closed the refrigerator door on his head, causing a visible injury.

__Vegan thieves__

Two men broke into a local discount meat shop through a hole in the roof. The men lowered themselves "through a whole (sic) caused from a previous burglary that had not been fixed," a cop noted. "After making entry, the males grabbed plastic plates and plastic cups and exited the location the same way they entered." The entire incident was captured on surveillance camera.

That's right: Two guys robbed a meat shop but only stole plastic cups and plates.

__Special sauce included__

A 64-year-old man was accused of swiping various forms of animal flesh at a Downtown grocery store. A cop noted, "I observed the male pulling a package of meat out of his pants."

The cop asked: What else you got in there? After a pause, the man "advised that he had the package of oxtails stuffed in his pants and an onion that he was going to pay for," the cop noted. "The package of oxtails was completely damaged from being stuffed down [[his] pants."

The Blotter Diva wonders: How does a package of meat get "completely damaged" inside someone's pants? Wait. I don't want to know.

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!!BOYS IN BLUE
__Just plain bold__

A cop recently spotted a man having trouble on the sidewalk outside a nightclub in Midtown. "He was leaning on a parked car and sobbing," the cop noted. "I approached him and asked if he was OK, or if he needed an ambulance. He looked up at me and said, 'I would really like to slap you in the face right now.'"

"I was shocked by his response," the cop wrote. "[[I did not] take him seriously, figuring him to be under the influence of some substance. Before I could determine the appropriate course of action, he swung his open hand and slapped me in the face."

Another cop working near the nightclub tackled the man. Police then handcuffed the man and removed him from the street. The man began to shout and curse during the arrest.

Apparently, the man lost his balance. "I stepped away and turned my back to use the radio and receive my case number from dispatch," the cop noted. "When I turned back around [[the man] was laying on the ground, partially sitting up, with a fresh gash on his right eyebrow and some other scratches on his face."

__Sweet patriotism__

A very drunk man refused to leave an Atlantic Station candy store. "I just want to get some candy," the 25-year-old man hollered, adding that he did not have to leave because "this is America" and it was his first amendment right to say whatever he wanted to. He allegedly caused a ruckus and bothered other sweets-seeking customers. Management feared he was going to start a fight. A cop noted, "I asked [[the agitated man] for his name and he refused to provide it. I asked [[the man] if he was with anyone who could take care of him and he refused to answer ... [[His] eyes were bloodshot and he was continuing to behave in an agitated manner."

Two cops had to physically escort the tipsy man outside and arrested him for disorderly conduct. "While waiting for transport, [[the man] repeatedly attempted to insult [[the two cops] by calling us 'batty boys' which is Jamaican slang for a homosexual male," the officer noted. The tipsy man "began to talk about the Freemasons and asked one officer if he was a [[M]ason." He went to jail.

__Hat can hope, Mr. Grammar__

In Grant Park at the Zone 3 police precinct headquarters, an officer found a gray baseball cap in the "Morning Watch" office with a sticky note, which read: "Left in Patrol Car."

"The gray baseball hat has been sitting in the Morning Watch office for about two days," the cop wrote in his report. "The hat states, 'Original Chuck,' on the front. The hat was sitting in their office, hoping someone would recognize it and place it inside Police Property. However, no one came up and recognize it. I transported the gray baseball hat inside the Zone 3 precinct and place the baseball hat into Police Property." Hmm, the Blotter Diva did not know a hat could sit there, "hoping someone would recognize it." Very special hat!"
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  string(27007) "    A roundup of most bizarre crimes from the past year   2016-07-14T08:00:00+00:00 The Blotter: Best of the Blotter (2016) ben.eason@creativeloafing.com Ben Eason Lauren Keating 1306477 2016-07-14T08:00:00+00:00  People love to tell me their favorite Blotter stories. It amuses me how much pride people display when their friends make it into the column. "Remember the one-eyed man dressed up as a Squirrel Superhero, who stole his neighbor's acorns? That was my friend!" Or "Remember the drunk and stoned lady who insisted alien 'buzzing' noises were emitting from her bed? She called police, warning of imminent intergalactic invasion. Cops found her pink vibrator — turned on and buzzing — stuffed under her mattress. That was my best friend!"

And it's always a "friend." Sometimes I bet they really mean, "That was me in the Blotter!" But they don't want to admit it. And that's OK. I'll keep those naughty secrets safe. Their blissfully euphoric, goofy grins and proud swagger are all the clues I need.

Here are my favorite Blotter moments from the past year. Enjoy!

— The Blotter Diva

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!!IDENTITY DELUSIONS OF THE YEAR
Holy infant, so tender and coiled

Cops received a call about a "woman refusing to leave" an Old Fourth Ward motel. "I met with the woman. She said that she had a bomb," the cop noted. "She did not have a bomb — it was clothing under her shirt in the shape of a baby."

"I pulled the clothes out of the bottom of her shirt, after placing her in cuffs," the cop noted. "She then accused me of aborting her baby. She said that she was an Anaconda."

For the grand finale, the woman screamed a bizarre threat directed at the cop: "I am going to wrap around you and bite your dick off!"

The cop took the woman to Grady Memorial Hospital for a mental evaluation. "She was not cooperative ... she continued to threaten harm and ... to spit on any staff member close to her."

Flexible space oddity

Outside a West End shopping mall, a cop saw a black car stopped with a twitchy male driver inside "The driver had a very hostile demeanor toward me," the cop noted. "I asked him why he was so agitated. He advised that he felt that he was being harassed and that he didn't do anything wrong."

The driver, a 34-year-old man from Douglasville, admitted to consuming alcoholic beverages before getting into his car. The man said he was bipolar and has a thyroid condition. "His movements were very erratic," the cop noted.

The driver failed several field sobriety tests and blew more than three times the legal limit for blood-alcohol content. "It took me and multiple other officers to hold the driver on the hood of my patrol vehicle in order to finish searching him," the cop noted. "While in the rear of my patrol vehicle, the driver became increasingly irate. He screamed that we were extorting and kidnapping people. At one point, the driver screamed, 'I'm an alien!' and also screamed, 'Can you suck your own dick?'"

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!!LOONY LADIES OF THE YEAR
Chicken McNutty

In Buckhead Village, a 23-year-old man was driving along East Paces Ferry Road when a woman jumped into the street and started hurling bottles at his new silver Jeep. One bottle struck the Jeep's door. After he drove by, the woman started flinging bottles at another car, so the man called police.

A cop found the bottle-launcher — a 30-year-old woman from Auburn, Georgia — and sat her down for a chat.

"The woman said she was getting off of work from the chicken processing plant near the location and wanted to get her car from the valet, which was driving in circles around her," the cop noted. "She said she threw bottles at the cars due to the fact that she thought one of them belonged to her, and her car had been stolen from her."

The cop found the woman's story quite bizarre — there's no chicken processing plant in Buckhead Village. "She did not appear to be in her right state of mind," the cop noted. "She said she had been working at the chicken processing plant, which is now actually a multi-living apartment building."

The woman went to jail for disorderly conduct.

Planting ahead

A cop saw a woman "seated in a flower bed" outside an apartment complex in Midtown. The 58-year-old woman was clutching a purple purse and wearing a hospital armband. The officer said he "asked her kindly to get out of the flower bed," and she refused. After asking her a second and third time, the woman stood up and began ranting, "You just want to slam me to the ground and take me to jail!" The cop replied, "No, I Just need you to get out of the flower bed, that's all."

The woman decided to get out of the flower bed and then ran into oncoming traffic on Peachtree Street yelling, "Fuck you!" The woman ignored the officer's commands to get back on the sidewalk and ran further into traffic. Eventually, the officer got her back on the sidewalk and arrested her for violating her pedestrian duties.

Eyes wide shut

A cop patrolling a Sweet Auburn park saw two men smoking at public picnic tables inside a pavilion. The cop approached the smoking men and overheard other people inside the pavilion warning a woman to throw away her liquor bottle before the cop arrived. "She waved them off and refused to listen as I approached," the cop noted. "Once at the pavilion, I observed the female ... had an open 50ml bottle of Jack Daniels Old No. 7 Black Label."

The cop gave tickets to the two smoking men and the woman for violating park ordinances. "The woman loudly stated that she was legally blind and could not read the ticket, although she was playing a game on her cell phone when I approached her," the cop recalled. "She requested to write that she was legally blind on the ticket and did so on the bottom of the ticket. She then signed the ticket without hesitation." The woman, 49, hails from Grant Park.

Naked and afraid

In Ansley Park, cops responded to a dispute between a 36-year-old woman subletting a home to a couple with a 1-year-old son. The distraught parents said they came home one day and the 36-year-old landlord was alledgedly "running around the home naked." The parents claim the naked landlord snatched their 1-year-old son out of bed. By the time police arrived, the naked landlord had disappeared.

Days later, the agitated landlord returned to the home while everyone was asleep and started screaming and yelling until everyone woke up. The father, fearing for his son's safety, called 911. As she tried to flee, the landlord hopped into her car, put it in reverse, and nearly hit the father as she backed out to the street. The landlord is described as an unstable drug user. Police told the parents to change the locks to their home.

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!!DAFT DUDES OF THE YEAR
Furry frenzy

A cop received a call about a possible dispute with a weapon at a fast-food restaurant on Metropolitan Parkway. "Upon my arrival, the fast-food restaurant employees pointed to a 27-year-old in the store wearing a red Papa John's uniform and a fuzzy hat in the shape of an animal," a cop noted.

Earlier, the same cop had responded to two calls from the same restaurant, including one from the man in the fuzzy hat himself.

The man began to yell at the cop and shouted, "They are conspiring against me! It's a set up!"

The cop handcuffed the man for safety purposes, noting, "He stated that the items on the table were his evidence that his ex-girlfriend ... and her manager were trying to set him up. The items included two Xbox 360 games, his house phone, his son's walkie-talkie, two sets of keys, a jacket, chapstick, his cellphone, and his wallet.

The cop asked the man how the items counted as evidence. The man replied, "It's all there!"

Suddenly, the man in the fuzzy hat blurted, "Officer, I don't feel so good. I need Grady." He claimed to be fainting, and began to lie down on the floor. Then he got up and leaned his head on a table.

"While waiting on medics, the man stood up again and began yelling at his ex-girlfriend in the middle of the lobby," the cop wrote. "He shouted at her, 'Are you going to suck me or fuck me?' in front of others in the restaurant." The cop ordered the man to sit down.

The man's ex-girlfriend agreed to talk to police, but she refused to give her last name. She said the man in the fuzzy hat has come into the fast-food restaurant for the past three days harassing her and the customers because they recently broke up.

Medics examined the man, who refused to go to the hospital. "I got you," he shouted. "Something is coming, I got you. You took my job away from my kids."

At this point, the cop arrested the man for disorderly conduct and took him to jail. The man asked that all his belongings and "evidence" be left with his ex-girlfriend because she would give his evidence to his grandmother.

Chasin' Jason

In East Point, a 24-year-old man had a strange encounter with a guy in a white hockey mask. While walking home from a MARTA station, the man heard a woman talking to herself. The man glanced over his shoulder, spotted the woman, and wondered why she was talking to herself.

The man looked back again and saw two oddly dressed guys following him. One guy wore a white hockey mask on his face, a black T-shirt with "Trill Gang" written in gold, and green pants with a floral print. The second guy wore a lime-green shirt with stripes.

"Why aren't you guys laughing?" the strange lady asked. The 24-year-old said he and the two guys "began a casual conversation" about the strange woman. "What's wrong with her?" he asked. "We don't know," the hockey-mask guy replied.

Then, the hockey-mask guy whipped out a gun and pointed it at the 24-year-old while his accomplice stole his cell phone and wallet.

Minutes later, the 24-year-old flagged down police. Cops quickly tracked the suspects to a nearby apartment complex. The Jason Voorhees wannabe came out with his hands in the air. He'd ditched his white hockey mask. Cops searched him and found the 24-year-old's cell phone along with a stolen gold chain necklace with a gold cross and a gold watch. Alas, the white hockey mask is still at large.

Terminal meltdown

At Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport, a 40-year-old man triggered a brouhaha at the Spirit Airlines counter. "He was yelling to the point that everyone in the terminal was focused on him," the cop said. "The man ranted about his Social Security check, outraged because there's only $66 in his bank account."

Loud Guy declared that he's no bum. Sitting on the floor, he spread his legs and waved his hands in the air as he yelled.

"Lower your voice right now," the cop ordered. Loud Guy's howls hit earsplitting levels. "He could not be reasoned with, he would not listen, and he ranted Bible verses while making accusations that he would be murdered. He screamed that he was HIV positive, that he had hepatitis B and C," the cop noted.

Then Loud Guy blended religion and drugs for his final words to the growing crowd. "He recited Bible verses, asking us to kill him," a cop wrote. "He stated he was smart with his IQ at 140. He also advised he used crystal meth 105 times in the past four years — along with once yesterday. He even asked if he was murdered." Loud Guy's meth voyage quickly ended with a lengthy mental exam.

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!!HOW TO STAY SINGLE
Flirting with disaster

A 21-year-old woman left her apartment in Edgewood for two days. When she returned, her rear window was smashed. A knife was positioned on the kitchen table near the shattered window. "Someone placed an inflated air mattress over the window," a cop noted. Nothing was missing from the woman's apartment. "A pair of tennis shoes that had been in her bedroom were now sitting on the couch," the cop observed. "She advised that the intruders may have watched TV while they were inside the home." The woman said something similar happened recently, but she didn't call police. "She advised after the first time, she received a note on her door, which read: 'I broke into your house, but I think you are cute.'" No suspects.

Wannabe groupie

A 30-year-old Stone Mountain woman refused to pay her tab at a Downtown hotel bar. A cop asked the woman why she wouldn't pay for her booze. The woman replied, "I am not paying because the Musically Incline Men are going to pay for my drinks."

The cop noted, "There were no Music Men, nor any men inside the bar at the time." According to the bartender, the woman did not come to the bar with any men or drink with any men while at bar. "She asked for a water, walked out, and then came back inside the bar for one Maker's Mark."

The woman went to jail, charged with failing to pay her $10.55 bar tab. Maybe she'll meet a cute musician in the slammer.

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!!PEOPLE STEAL WEIRD SHIT
Pilfering fame

In Glenwood Park, a 42-year-old woman said she parked her Porsche in a secure parking lot one night. The next morning, her front passenger window was shattered and "a placard award bearing her name was stolen" from the car. Nothing else was missing. The Blotter Diva wonders: How valuable is an award with someone else's name on it?

Twisted mister

A 46-year-old man walked into a big-box superstore with an unusual mission: to steal a Twister game, two packs of ground beef, and one package of turkey. He didn't get very far, though. Security guards tackled him. The man went to jail for allegedly shoplifting $35.62 worth of meat and the board game.

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!!MIND-ALTERING MISHAPS
Firestarter

A rowdy 38-year-old woman refused to leave a gas station/convenience store on Martin Luther King Jr. Drive. According to a store clerk, the woman allegedly threatened to burn the gas pumps with a stick of incense that she just shoplifted. Given the potential fire hazard, the clerk called police.

The woman was still clutching a lit stick of incense when the officer arrived. And she smelled of booze. The cop noted, "On the transport ride to City Jail, the woman kept screaming and yelling cusswords at me"

At the jail, the woman apparently switched focus. The cop noted: "She urinated all over herself and the holding area and started yelling even louder about a Lotto ticket."

Bang your head

Police received a call about an inebriated man stumbling down the street in East Atlanta. When a cop found the tipsy guy, "he was head-butting the telephone pole" on Memorial Drive.

"He was talking to himself in heavily slurred words and the front of his pants were soaked in what was most likely his own urine," the cop noted. "The man said he had been drinking all day with 'some guy' and that I needed to go get his money back for him. All the man would talk about was that he went 'somewhere' with 'someone' and he passed out from drinking too much. When he woke up, he began to walk home and then noticed that he didn't have his money anymore."

The cop continued: "The entire time that I was talking to the man he was stumbling side to side and even fell over twice onto the sidewalk." The man, 54, went to jail, charged with disorderly conduct.

Stupid stoner

A 29-year-old man called police after a skinny drug dealer nicknamed "Ace" reportedly ripped him off in Virginia-Highland.

From the victim's report: "I was robbed by Ace for $300 close to Little Five Points on St. Charles while trying to purchase some weed. I got in the car with Ace and some other guy I never seen before. ... We entered the car, and the driver pulls off and stops and pulls out a big knife. Ace then pulls out a shiny gun and says, 'Fuck ... give it up.'" Ace and his accomplice reportedly stole $300 cash and the man's wallet.

Ace is described as a tall, slim man "with a goatee not connected to a beard," according to the police report.

The cop patiently took the 29-year-old man's statement about getting robbed by his drug dealer. Then, the cop arrested the man for attempting to purchase marijuana — a crime he had just confessed to — and took him to jail. Perhaps next time a drug dealer rips you off, just let it go.

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!!EROTIC ADVENTURES OF THE YEAR
Love of art

A man got amorous with outdoor statues outside the High Museum of Art. "Upon my arrival, I witnessed the suspect with his pants down and his genitals exposed, fondling a statue in front of the location," a cop noted. A security guard said that earlier, he caught the frisky fellow in the act of rubbing the statues and repeatedly asked the man to leave. Cops took the 21-year-old art lover to jail on a public indecency charge.

Don't be shy

In the Edgewood neighborhood, a woman spotted a man "making loud noises and pleasuring himself" while she drove home on Walthall Street. "She stated he kept doing this for 30 minutes," a cop noted. Another Edgewood man reported "strange noises." The man stepped outside his home and saw a naked couple fornicating on the sidewalk. Still groping, the hedonist duo got up, strolled over to a nearby vacant lot, and continued to perform various sex acts.

A cop arrived and "heard sounds commonly associated with sexual intercourse coming from an open lot." The horny exhibitionist couple — a 25-year-old man and a 39-year-old woman — went to jail on public indecency charges.

Sidecar Sally

An officer responded to a dispute at an apartment in Midtown. "Upon my arrival, I was met at the door by a 36-year-old married woman, who appeared to be distraught and stated that her side piece (a.k.a. the man she is sleeping with) was upset because she asked him to leave her apartment and he grabbed her hair," the cop noted. "After grabbing her hair, he put his hand on her face, pushed it away. She ran downstairs and into her garage. Once in the garage, she locked herself in her car and used her husband's (who has been out of town this month) phone to call police."

The woman's "side piece" was still pissed, and his next move suggested their fling may be nearing an end. The cop noted, "He grabbed her house keys and threw them in the sewer and left her apartment to return home to see his girlfriend." The married woman requested a police report — even though she repeatedly said she wasn't hurt and declined an ambulance.

Touching faith

In the front yard of a large Midtown church, a 33-year-old naked man who was laying in the grass started to pleasure himself — during church services. Flustered, a church employee called authorities. Cops dragged the nude 33-year-old man from church grounds.

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!!NASTY NEIGHBORS OF THE YEAR
Brown trickle woes

A war between neighbors that had been brewing for two years finally bubbled over at a Midtown condominium building. The opponents: two male neighbors who live above/below each other. The lower-floor neighbor, a 46-year-old man, claimed "the ceiling light fixture in his bathroom was leaking a brown fluid — suspected methamphetamine" from his neighbors' upstairs unit, a cop noted.

The man described his upstairs neighbor as a "chubbily built" man in his 40s with brown hair and glasses.The man also said the upstairs neighbor has an aggressive dog, which is forbidden by condo rules, and claims the dog has attacked residents and visitors at the condominium. "The dog also alledgedly bit someone at the location," the cop noted. The man said the condo association found out about the dog, issued a memo to evict it, and is now charging the upstairs neighbor a $25 daily penalty until the dog is gone. The man said throngs of people are constantly coming and going from the upstairs neighbor's place, and sometimes people enter by climbing a wall. He described a previous instance when his ceiling was leaking brownish fluid ("suspected methamphetamine"), and he walked upstairs, knocked on his neighbor's door, and heard "items rattling and fast footsteps as though he is hiding something illegally suspicious." The man said he walked inside and saw "a sheet covering possibly suspicious items over the bathtub," according to the police report. Police took a sample of the brown liquid dripping from the ceiling to test for possible methamphetamine.

Walk the line

In Ansley Park, two lady neighbors had an epic showdown about the property line dividing their homes. The first neighbor, 47, called a surveyor to resolve the ongoing dispute. When the surveyor arrived, the second neighbor, 64, walked outside, yelled at the surveyor, and displayed "very irate and unstable behavior," a cop noted.

The second neighbor said she's "too nervous to go back home" so the cop agreed to meet her at a nearby gas station on Peachtree Street to hear her side of the story. The second neighbor's rant about the property line squabble "went on for almost an hour," the cop noted. "She is the primary issue in the dispute and is the problem."

Even though Halloween was long past, the second neighbor has "a Halloween decoration with a tombstone and some orange cones facing the front door of her neighbor's property," the cop observed. "This is an example of some of the small things that she is doing to harass her neighbor."

Smell the magic

On the Westside, police busted two young men for stealing a UPS package off their neighbor's porch. Police got a search warrant for the townhouse, where the two men, ages 17 and 20, were hiding. The mother attempted to persuade police that her boys weren't involved. "The mother makes this claim of her son's innocence due to him acknowledging the theft taking place, making mention of it via Facetime, and mentioning the stupidity of the criminal act," the cop noted. His virtual confession was all police needed.

Inside the UPS package, cops found a massive supply of "super-absorbent advanced odor control pads." The Blotter Diva wonders: Why would two young guys want a gazillion odor-control pads?

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!!ANIMAL INSTINCTS
Beefy brawl

A 20-year-old woman recently called police to her grandmother's house in Mechanicsville. "She advised me that several girls she didn't know but followed ... on Instagram had posted videos to Instagram," the cop noted. "The unknown females were outside a house she described as her grandmother's house and yelling for her to come out and squash some beef. She was not concise nor completely forthcoming about the situation that got her involved with the unknown females. She stated she only knew it had something to do with her grandmother being a lesbian."

The woman said one of the unknown females was armed with a knife. "At some point, glass broke, possibly due to a knife being thrown at the window, but the woman could not advise when it happened," the cop noted.

Meat man

In Edgewood, a man said a strange thief dressed in red and black clothing broke into his apartment — while he was home. The thief stole one thing: a box of hamburgers from the refrigerator. The man tried to stop the Hamburglar, who closed the refrigerator door on his head, causing a visible injury.

Vegan thieves

Two men broke into a local discount meat shop through a hole in the roof. The men lowered themselves "through a whole (sic) caused from a previous burglary that had not been fixed," a cop noted. "After making entry, the males grabbed plastic plates and plastic cups and exited the location the same way they entered." The entire incident was captured on surveillance camera.

That's right: Two guys robbed a meat shop but only stole plastic cups and plates.

Special sauce included

A 64-year-old man was accused of swiping various forms of animal flesh at a Downtown grocery store. A cop noted, "I observed the male pulling a package of meat out of his pants."

The cop asked: What else you got in there? After a pause, the man "advised that he had the package of oxtails stuffed in his pants and an onion that he was going to pay for," the cop noted. "The package of oxtails was completely damaged from being stuffed down his pants."

The Blotter Diva wonders: How does a package of meat get "completely damaged" inside someone's pants? Wait. I don't want to know.

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!!BOYS IN BLUE
Just plain bold

A cop recently spotted a man having trouble on the sidewalk outside a nightclub in Midtown. "He was leaning on a parked car and sobbing," the cop noted. "I approached him and asked if he was OK, or if he needed an ambulance. He looked up at me and said, 'I would really like to slap you in the face right now.'"

"I was shocked by his response," the cop wrote. "I did not take him seriously, figuring him to be under the influence of some substance. Before I could determine the appropriate course of action, he swung his open hand and slapped me in the face."

Another cop working near the nightclub tackled the man. Police then handcuffed the man and removed him from the street. The man began to shout and curse during the arrest.

Apparently, the man lost his balance. "I stepped away and turned my back to use the radio and receive my case number from dispatch," the cop noted. "When I turned back around the man was laying on the ground, partially sitting up, with a fresh gash on his right eyebrow and some other scratches on his face."

Sweet patriotism

A very drunk man refused to leave an Atlantic Station candy store. "I just want to get some candy," the 25-year-old man hollered, adding that he did not have to leave because "this is America" and it was his first amendment right to say whatever he wanted to. He allegedly caused a ruckus and bothered other sweets-seeking customers. Management feared he was going to start a fight. A cop noted, "I asked the agitated man for his name and he refused to provide it. I asked the man if he was with anyone who could take care of him and he refused to answer ... His eyes were bloodshot and he was continuing to behave in an agitated manner."

Two cops had to physically escort the tipsy man outside and arrested him for disorderly conduct. "While waiting for transport, the man repeatedly attempted to insult the two cops by calling us 'batty boys' which is Jamaican slang for a homosexual male," the officer noted. The tipsy man "began to talk about the Freemasons and asked one officer if he was a Mason." He went to jail.

Hat can hope, Mr. Grammar

In Grant Park at the Zone 3 police precinct headquarters, an officer found a gray baseball cap in the "Morning Watch" office with a sticky note, which read: "Left in Patrol Car."

"The gray baseball hat has been sitting in the Morning Watch office for about two days," the cop wrote in his report. "The hat states, 'Original Chuck,' on the front. The hat was sitting in their office, hoping someone would recognize it and place it inside Police Property. However, no one came up and recognize it. I transported the gray baseball hat inside the Zone 3 precinct and place the baseball hat into Police Property." Hmm, the Blotter Diva did not know a hat could sit there, "hoping someone would recognize it." Very special hat!             13087879 17443805        http://dev.creativeloafing.com/image/2016/07/0a4440_cover_blotter3_3_12.png                  The Blotter: Best of the Blotter (2016) "
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  string(23149) "An official Blotter all-star may be sitting near you as you thumb through the annual Best of the Blotter issue.

They are often found perched on wobbly bar stools across the city, mumbling details of their latest brush with the law to anyone who will listen.

They get arrested with bizarre style. In previous years, some talked smack to cops. Others succumbed to urges like fornicating furiously in public on a fine spring day. Or smoking marijuana with a friend while sitting on the steps of a police precinct. Blotter all-stars bend our concept of common sense because they get busted with such wild aplomb. They know that if you're going to go to jail, you better make the crime worth it.

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Frenemies rampage


FRIENDSHIP STRIPPED: In Buckhead, a 21-year-old man called police to his apartment. According to the police report, the man said he and a female friend went on a road trip "to Alabama to get some money from her family and they were on their way back to Georgia after he had received $500 from his cousins in Alabama." During the ride back, the man fell asleep in the back seat of his friend's car. When he woke up, they were outside the female friend's apartment. She said she needed to pick up her male cousin to buy some marijuana. The cousin hopped into the car, and the friend drove to a nearby apartment — in a much less luxurious part of town. The friend parked behind the complex. The friend's cousin grabbed the 21-year-old from behind and pinned him down, while the friend rummaged through his pockets. "Give me the money or you'll be sorry," the cousin kept saying. Eventually, they found the $500 stuffed inside the 21-year-old's pocket — and the friend drove him back to his apartment and dropped him off.

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The 21-year-old described his female friend as a stripper who works at a nearby club. The 21-year-old had marks on his neck and chin, the reporting officer noted.

ROOMMATE RAGE: In Piedmont Heights, cops responded to an "embellished story" dispute between two guys who have lived together on-and-off for 12 years. The caller said he has epilepsy, and he and his roommate were arguing when he had an epileptic episode and fell into the shower's glass door. A cop arrived and asked the man if he was hurt. The man said he was not hurt. Just to make sure, the cop looked the man over. "Other than an unhealthy-looking big toe, I did not observe any visible injuries," the cop noted, adding that the guy rambled and "did not make much sense."

The other roommate "was very cooperative and calm and quick to provide information," the cop wrote. The roommate said they are good friends, but their relationship had recently deteriorated and just a few hours earlier he had announced that he was moving out at the end of the month. That's when epileptic man became upset and called police.

The cop attempted to have a second conversation with the epileptic man to clarify why he called police, but it got weird. The epileptic man called the cop a "skinny bitch,'" the cop noted. "Also he said I 'needed to eat a sandwich' and began making 'Hail Hitler Nazi salute motions.'"

Both roommates agreed to leave for the night. No one was arrested.

FAMILY SPAT OF THE YEAR: A fight broke out between two cousins on Luckie Street. A 33-year-old in a white polka-dot dress and "shaved hair on both sides of her head" started brawling with her cousin. At one point, Polka Dot hurled a candle at her cousin. Neighbors rushed outside to see the commotion and gave statements to the police.

"Y'all nosey bitches need to mind y'all business, what the fuck y'all looking at?" screamed Polka Dot. After yelling at the neighbors, Polka Dot allegedly hurled her cell phone and a bottle of bug spray toward her cousin. Wisely, the cousin took off running away from Polka Dot.

Polka Dot stormed back into her apartment for a moment and then returned to her front porch armed with a shotgun. According to her neighbors, Polka Dot "then racked the action of the shotgun while still engaging in choice words."

When cops arrived, they heard "loud yelling" behind the apartment building. Polka Dot was screaming and trying to get into her apartment's back door.

Also, Polka Dot "had minor cuts to the face," the cop noted in the police report. Polka Dot went to jail on disorderly conduct charges. A shotgun shell and the can of bug spray were turned in as evidence.

 

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Plastered, sloshed, and buzzed


SHOUT IT LOUD: Two Sandy Springs men were enjoying a recent KISS/Def Leppard concert when things got ugly. A drunk married couple alledgedly went berserk while standing behind the men. The 36-year-old man and his wife were reportedly very argumentative. At one point, the drunk man pushed the two Sandy Springs guys, telling them to move.

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The Sandy Springs men exchanged terse words with the unruly man and wife, and then went back to watching the concert. Suddenly, the two Sandy Springs men "felt a warm stream of liquid on their legs and pants, causing them to turn around and witness the 36-year-old man's penis out of his pants, urinating on them," the cop wrote. The two guys were outraged and tried to stop the 36-year-old from peeing on them. The drunk man's wife stepped in and blocked the two Sandy Springs men. "Some mutual pushing took place" between all parties, the cop reported, but concert security was able to break up the tussle before it escalated further.

The cop spoke with the 36-year-old pisser. "I could tell he was intoxicated because I am currently assigned to a DUI task force," the cop explained. "I am a Drug Recognition Expert, and have many encounters with people who have consumed alcohol and drugs." The cop arrested the 36-year-old man.

DRAMATIC ENTRANCE: In Buckhead, cops responded to a call about a woman's legs possibly being trapped under a black SUV near the Piedmont Avenue and Roswell Road intersection. A bystander said the woman drove the SUV into a parking space and hopped out, clutching a glass in one hand. The woman promptly fell over, shattering the glass. Bystanders said the woman was "laughing and crying" while lying on the ground. Her legs were not trapped, but she seemed too drunk to walk on her own. "I could plainly see a full 16-ounce Stella Artois beer can in her purse," the cop noted. "I asked the woman if she had been drinking anything today, specifically Stella, at which time she reached into her purse and attempted to open the beer can."

The officer removed the beer from the woman's hands and asked her what happened. "I don't know," the woman said. The cop asked if she knew where she was. "Bank of America," the woman answered. "I noticed no Bank of America anywhere within eyesight," the cop noted. The 27-year-old woman was charged with DUI. Medics examined her legs and body — everything appeared OK.

En route to the police precinct, the woman kept asking "What's happening?" The cop noted, "I informed her several times that she was under arrest, at which time she would state, 'You're cute,' not seeming to comprehend the situation."

Her police-precinct debut was memorable: The cop recalled, "Upon arrival at the police precinct, I walked the woman through the main entrance, at which time she said, 'Taaaa-Daaaaa! I'm here!' to anyone and everyone present."

The cop filled out the arrest paperwork and put a shackle on the woman's leg. "Can't I just suck your dick and you not take me to jail or something?" she blurted. Nope, shrugged the cop. The woman concluded, "You're an asshole."

SCENT REDEMPTION: In Lakewood Heights, an Atlanta police sergeant saw a brand-new Mustang GT stopped at a red light. "For unknown reasons, the Mustang aggressively accelerated south when the traffic light turned to green," the sergeant noted. Yep, the alleged speed demon zipped away in front of a sergeant sitting in a fully marked squad car. Sarge hit the gas and the chase was on. "I accelerated with the vehicle reaching a speed of 96 mph ... before activating the emergency equipment of my patrol, signaling the Mustang to stop," the sergeant noted.

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Sarge got out of squad car and chatted with the driver, a 41-year-old man, who had an unusual explanation for his actions. "He advised that he was aware of the speed and that he thought I was following him," the sergeant noted.

The driver was technically correct. The sergeant was following him — for speeding. The sergeant continued, "The driver's mannerisms were very nervous and awkward, much like a drunk driver, yet all I could smell in the vehicle was the 'new car' smell."

Sarge charged the 41-year-old man with reckless driving, handcuffed him, and escorted him to the squad car. "While completing the required paperwork in my squad car, I began to detect the odor of alcoholic beverage emanating from arrestee's person," the sergeant noted. "With arrestee already being in custody for the traffic violation, I decided to forgo pursuing a DUI investigation and subsequent charges."

This is the first time in Blotter history that a new car smell may have saved a driver from a DUI charge. The driver's shiny new Mustang was impounded.

LOST IN SPACE: In Castleberry Hill, a cop was working an extra job at a restaurant where a 32-year-old man became unruly. A security guard urged the man to leave but he was "too intoxicated" to understand the request.

When the cop walked inside, the unruly man was engaged "in mutual physical combat using a closed fist" on the security guard, the cop noted.

The security guard said the man was "confrontational with patrons" and extremely "touchy" with a female waitress. The security guard said he asked the guy to walk outside, and the man agreed but insisted that the security guard walk ahead of him. Nope, the security guard replied, "You first, sir, I'm just going to make sure you find the door." They exchanged words and the man reportedly punched the security guard's jaw. The security guard said he struck the man about three times.

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After the brawl, the 32-year-old man was "bleeding lightly" from the nose, so the cop called an ambulance to the scene. Totally freaked out, the man refused medical treatment, pushing people away as he shouted that the medics were "aliens who wanted to hurt me." The unruly man, who hails from Paulding County, spent the night in jail.

 

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Strange find of the year


COSTUME FETISH: In the Edgewood neighborhood, a man found a purple suitcase filled with Halloween costumes in his backyard. He called police about the unusual find.

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Officers took control of the purple suitcase, found an identifying tag on it, and called the suitcase's owner, a woman who lived a few blocks away. The woman said she's out of town at the moment, and she had no clue why her purple bag of costumes landed in the man's backyard.

 

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Animal instincts


SNAKE CHARMER: Water gushed from an apartment filled with slithery creatures on Peachtree Street. "I went to the 10th floor and observed several inches of water covering the south hallway," a cop noted. "I walked into the unit where the water was coming from and observed water pouring from the ceiling in the smaller room to the left. I also observed several snake habitats with snakes in the room."

The 35-year-old man in the snake-filled apartment "stated he was high on methamphetamines and because of his paranoia he ignited a lighter directly next to a sprinkler head, which caused the sprinkler system to start and not stop," the cop noted. "He said he was feeling very paranoid and began to observe pieces of crack, cocaine and heroin inside his apartment. He stated that he found these drugs to be alarming because he exclusively uses methamphetamines and these other drugs are not up to his standards."

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The paranoia-inspired flood damaged apartments on the ninth and 10th floor. The paranoid man complained of chest pains, so cops took him to Piedmont Hospital.

FELINE FRENZY: In Chastain Park, a 48-year-old man called police to his apartment after he picked up two women at a popular Buckhead bar. "Upon arrival at the scene, the front door was open and I observed the victim lying on the floor in a pool of blood with a compound fracture to his left leg," a cop noted.

The 48-year-old man said the first woman had short black hair and wore an orange dress. The second woman wore a black dress and had long black hair. He said they all went back to his apartment and eventually he fell asleep. He said when he awoke later, both women were rummaging through his belongings in his closet. The man said he tried to stop the women, who alledgedly snatched his wallet and three of his watches. During the struggle, he said the woman in the black dress pushed him down the stairs, and that's how he broke his leg.

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Cops searched the apartment: In the upstairs master bedroom, a back door was wide open. No one else was there. Also, the man added that both women "were wearing contacts that looked like 'cat eyes.'"

 

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Bizarre rant of the year


ITCHY SITUATION: In Downtown, an undercover cop said that he spotted a man drinking beer from a Starbucks cup. "As I watched, he finished the beer and discarded the plastic cup on the city sidewalk at the intersection of Walton Street and Peachtree," the cop noted. "I called a takedown unit and began to follow him. As I followed him, he ducked behind a pillar near the intersection of Forsyth and Walton streets and emerged again very close to me. He walked straight up to me, and I thought he was about to ask me why I was following him."

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The man did nothing of the sort. Instead, the man bellowed, "Nothing is worse than an itchy asshole! Then, you gotta buy one of these." The man thrust out a jar of Vaseline toward the undercover cop. "You know you are going to use the whole thing," the man said, shaking the Vaseline jar. "God is terrible. Hey, do you have some loose change I could have?"

The undercover cop explained that he did not have any cash on him. Backup units arrived and arrested the man, 63. He went to jail, charged with littering, drinking in public, and monetary solicitation.

 

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Techno diss of the year


SELFIE ABSORBED: On Peachtree Road, a 44-year-old Alabama woman driving a white Mercedes stopped in front of a Buckhead restaurant's neon sign, blocking rush-hour traffic. She hopped out of her car and tried to take a selfie, posing near the restaurant sign. During her self-portrait attempt, the woman yelled profanities at other drivers trying to turn into the restaurant's parking lot.

A young restaurant employee tried to deal with her. "I approached in a friendly manner to ask if everything was OK," he recalled. "She kept daring me to call police" and called him a "stupid motherfucker." He went inside to get his boss.

The restaurant manager walked outside to reason with the woman. "She rolled up her window when I tried to speak to her," the manager said. "She then opened her sunroof and yelled, 'Call 911 bitch, I dare you.'" When the manager called police, the woman "pulled forward — at high speed — and parked in my valet parking area." The woman refused to move her car and cranked up her radio, blasting music until police arrived.

A cop noted the ear-splitting volume. "Upon my approach to the car, the radio in the vehicle was extremely loud. Loud enough so I could hear each word of the song audible to make out the lyrics clearly from 75-100 feet away."

The cop asked the woman to please turn down her radio.

"Fuck you," she responded.

The cop: "Again, I asked her to politely to turn down the radio."

"Fuck you," the woman said. "Hold on a minute while I take a selfie."

Get out of your car, the cop ordered.

"Can't you just hold on and let me take a picture?" the woman bellowed.

Get out of your car, the cop repeated.

"Fuck you, make me!" she yelled. "Fuck this, I'm leaving."

The woman tried to put her car in drive, with the door open. The cop promptly handcuffed her. While "cursing uncontrollably," the woman reportedly threatened the cop by stating "she wanted to fucking kill me and get her boys to 'retire' me," the cop noted.

A restaurant employee witnessed the woman's diatribe. "I heard her threaten to have the officer 'cancelled' and for her male passenger to 'murder this motherfucker.'" Next, the woman refused to get out of the patrol car until "we treated her with dignity," the cop noted.

 

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Weird thefts of the year


NUTTY FIND: Near Atlantic Station, a 19-year-old man parked his Volkswagen Jetta and went inside to shop. About 10 minutes later, he returned to his car and noticed a problem: The driver's-side window was smashed and his black-and-orange backpack was missing from the passenger seat.

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The 19-year-old said his missing backpack contained a MacBook Pro computer, an iPad Air, a digital camera, one pair of Prada prescription sunglasses, an external hard drive, and a brown gavel with the word "Malice" engraved on it. "The man further stated that five jars of peanut butter and five jars of jelly were removed from his vehicle," the cop noted.

VISION QUEST: In the Perkerson Park area, an older bleary-eyed man walked into a convenience store and allegedly stole 11 different bottles of eye drops. No two bottles were the same brand. His collection included "advanced" drops, "maximum" drops, "original" drops, "gel" drops, and "balanced" drops. He went to jail on a shoplifting charge. The eye drops are worth $88.35.

 

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Aging hipster of the year


THIS IS 30: A suburban guy was peeing on a street near Aaron's Amphitheater at Lakewood. A cop flipped on his blue lights. Startled, the man stopped peeing and quickly walked away. Soon, the man's brisk walk morphed into a jog.

"By the time I made it to St. Johns Avenue, the male was in a full sprint, running northbound on Pryor Road," the cop noted. "The male slowed to a jog as he ran through the parking lot" of a gas station. "I watched as the male ran and quickly ducked behind a vehicle. I then exited my vehicle and stealthily flanked the male." The man darted off, sprinting again. The cop yelled, "Police! Stop!" Bystanders cheered, "He got the police running!"

The cop kept up the foot chase. "I was able to catch the male at the entrance to the Lakewood concert venue." Once handcuffed, the man said he was very sorry, and he ran due to extreme fear. "I got scared, I grew up running from the police in Dunwoody," the man explained. "I'm athletic, I thought I could get away, but I'm 30 years old now."

The man still lives in Dunwoody. He went to jail, charged with peeing in public.

 

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Health care demand of the year


REALITY BITES: Near Greenbriar Mall, a woman wearing a blue striped dress marched into a dentist's office and demanded a root canal. (The dentist had treated the woman before.) The dentist told her that he couldn't perform the root canal himself and recommended that she see a specialist. The woman, 45, was "unsatisfied with this and only wanted the pain to stop and demanded that her dentist perform the procedure," a cop noted. Once again, the dentist explained that he could not perform the root canal. The woman alledgedly retrieved an aluminum bat from her car and threatened the dentist with it. She reportedly tried to hit the dentist with the bat, but he grabbed it to prevent being struck.

Finally, the woman stormed away. As a parting gesture, she swung her bat at his office wall, leaving a hole.

Once the woman exited the office, the dentist's assistant locked the front door. "There is video surveillance in the dentist office lobby, which should capture the woman entering and exiting the office with a bat," the officer noted. "During my investigation, I was wearing a body camera and utilized the camera function on the video recorder to take pictures of the damage."

 

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Car theft of the year


GETAWAY CAR: In Midtown, a 25-year-old man strolled home from work along Peachtree Street when he saw a shocking sight: his own car was headed toward him driven by two strangers. The man watched as his car stopped at the traffic light at Peachtree and 14th streets. The man raced over to his car, banged on the window, and yelled for the thieves to stop. He flung the door open and tried to overpower the thieves, but the traffic light turned green and the thieves sped away.

A witness verified the man's story to police. The 25-year-old said his car's trunk has two prominent bumper stickers, one of which read: "Don't Tread on Me."

 

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Mystery graffiti of the year


GET SCHOOLED: A college in South Buckhead was recently vandalized. The perps gained access to a locked roof area and spray-painted the walls with images and phrases such as "The Academie," "God, Watch Over ATL," "One Love," and "We Are All Angels." A school security guard was very perplexed about how the perps got onto the roof because the rooftop doors are locked 24/7.

 

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Lazy Taser of the year


CUT AND RUN: Police received a call about a person armed with a knife at a house in South Atlanta. Upon arrival, a cop noted, "He told us that he was a federal agent and had very pronounced delusions about where he was."

Behavioral health workers believed the man had been off his medication for days. They wanted to take the man to Grady Memorial Hospital and urged the cops to help with "assistance in getting him out of the home." Cops agreed and got the man outside. "As we got out of the house, the male understood that he was going to Grady against his will," a cop noted. "He began sprinting as fast as a 58-year-old smoker can run."

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The cop asked health workers if they wanted him to use force to take the man into custody. No, they replied. After the man ran 50 yards, the knife fell from his pocket and he picked it up. "He began running with the knife in his hand," the cop noted. "Apparently, this changed the opinion of the Grady behavioral health workers and they said they did want him in custody."

The cop sprinted after the man, chasing him for at least 100 yards. "The blade of the knife was open and in his hand," the cop noted. "The male stopped to take his boots off, then continued running. Eventually, he tired out with the knife still in his hand. I feared that he would decide to use the knife to either attack me or defend himself from being taken into custody." So the cop used his Taser. "The prongs entered the man's back at his waist and his lower shoulder blade."

Police took the man in for a psychological evaluation.

 

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Cop tales of the year


GREAT BALLS OF FIRE: A police recruit "was cutting the grass at the Atlanta Police Academy when he was bitten by insects to his left leg and right testicle area," according to a police report.

"He complained of swelling and was sent to get medical treatment."

DOUGHNUT SURPRISE: A cop said a woman walked into the Zone 3 precinct, handed him a loaded .38 special revolver, and said she found it at a local doughnut shop. "Have fun with that," she said.

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words."
  ["tracker_field_contentWikiPage_raw"]=>
  string(23309) "An official Blotter all-star may be sitting near you as you thumb through the annual Best of the Blotter issue.

They are often found perched on wobbly bar stools across the city, mumbling details of their latest brush with the law to anyone who will listen.

They get arrested with bizarre style. In previous years, some talked smack to cops. Others succumbed to urges like fornicating furiously in public on a fine spring day. Or smoking marijuana with a friend while sitting on the steps of a police precinct. Blotter all-stars bend our concept of common sense because they get busted with such wild aplomb. They know that if you're going to go to jail, you better make the crime worth it.

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Frenemies rampage


__FRIENDSHIP STRIPPED:__ In Buckhead, a 21-year-old man called police to his apartment. According to the police report, the man said he and a female friend went on a road trip "to Alabama to get some money from her family and they were on their way back to Georgia after he had received $500 from his cousins in Alabama." During the ride back, the man fell asleep in the back seat of his friend's car. When he woke up, they were outside the female friend's apartment. She said she needed to pick up her male cousin to buy some marijuana. The cousin hopped into the car, and the friend drove to a nearby apartment — in a much less luxurious part of town. The friend parked behind the complex. The friend's cousin grabbed the 21-year-old from behind and pinned him down, while the friend rummaged through his pockets. "Give me the money or you'll be sorry," the cousin kept saying. Eventually, they found the $500 stuffed inside the 21-year-old's pocket — and the friend drove him back to his apartment and dropped him off.

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The 21-year-old described his female friend as a stripper who works at a nearby club. The 21-year-old had marks on his neck and chin, the reporting officer noted.

__ROOMMATE RAGE:__ In Piedmont Heights, cops responded to an "embellished story" dispute between two guys who have lived together on-and-off for 12 years. The caller said he has epilepsy, and he and his roommate were arguing when he had an epileptic episode and fell into the shower's glass door. A cop arrived and asked the man if he was hurt. The man said he was not hurt. Just to make sure, the cop looked the man over. "Other than an unhealthy-looking big toe, I did not observe any visible injuries," the cop noted, adding that the guy rambled and "did not make much sense."

The other roommate "was very cooperative and calm and quick to provide information," the cop wrote. The roommate said they are good friends, but their relationship had recently deteriorated and just a few hours earlier he had announced that he was moving out at the end of the month. That's when epileptic man became upset and called police.

The cop attempted to have a second conversation with the epileptic man to clarify why he called police, but it got weird. The epileptic man called the cop a "skinny bitch,'" the cop noted. "Also he said I 'needed to eat a sandwich' and began making 'Hail Hitler Nazi salute motions.'"

Both roommates agreed to leave for the night. No one was arrested.

__FAMILY SPAT OF THE YEAR:__ A fight broke out between two cousins on Luckie Street. A 33-year-old in a white polka-dot dress and "shaved hair on both sides of her head" started brawling with her cousin. At one point, Polka Dot hurled a candle at her cousin. Neighbors rushed outside to see the commotion and gave statements to the police.

"Y'all nosey bitches need to mind y'all business, what the fuck y'all looking at?" screamed Polka Dot. After yelling at the neighbors, Polka Dot allegedly hurled her cell phone and a bottle of bug spray toward her cousin. Wisely, the cousin took off running away from Polka Dot.

Polka Dot stormed back into her apartment for a moment and then returned to her front porch armed with a shotgun. According to her neighbors, Polka Dot "then racked the action of the shotgun while still engaging in choice words."

When cops arrived, they heard "loud yelling" behind the apartment building. Polka Dot was screaming and trying to get into her apartment's back door.

Also, Polka Dot "had minor cuts to the face," the cop noted in the police report. Polka Dot went to jail on disorderly conduct charges. A shotgun shell and the can of bug spray were turned in as evidence.

 

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Plastered, sloshed, and buzzed


__SHOUT IT LOUD:__ Two Sandy Springs men were enjoying a recent KISS/Def Leppard concert when things got ugly. A drunk married couple alledgedly went berserk while standing behind the men. The 36-year-old man and his wife were reportedly very argumentative. At one point, the drunk man pushed the two Sandy Springs guys, telling them to move.

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The Sandy Springs men exchanged terse words with the unruly man and wife, and then went back to watching the concert. Suddenly, the two Sandy Springs men "felt a warm stream of liquid on their legs and pants, causing them to turn around and [[witness] the [[36-year-old man's] penis out of his pants, urinating on them," the cop wrote. The two guys were outraged and tried to stop the 36-year-old from peeing on them. The drunk man's wife stepped in and blocked the two Sandy Springs men. "Some mutual pushing took place" between all parties, the cop reported, but concert security was able to break up the tussle before it escalated further.

The cop spoke with the 36-year-old pisser. "I could tell he was intoxicated because I am currently assigned to a DUI task force," the cop explained. "I am a Drug Recognition Expert, and have many encounters with people who have consumed alcohol and drugs." The cop arrested the 36-year-old man.

__DRAMATIC ENTRANCE:__ In Buckhead, cops responded to a call about a woman's legs possibly being trapped under a black SUV near the Piedmont Avenue and Roswell Road intersection. A bystander said the woman drove the SUV into a parking space and hopped out, clutching a glass in one hand. The woman promptly fell over, shattering the glass. Bystanders said the woman was "laughing and crying" while lying on the ground. Her legs were not trapped, but she seemed too drunk to walk on her own. "I could plainly see a [[full] 16-ounce Stella Artois beer can in her purse," the cop noted. "I asked the woman if she had been drinking anything today, specifically Stella, at which time she reached into her purse and attempted to open the beer can."

The officer removed the beer from the woman's hands and asked her what happened. "I don't know," the woman said. The cop asked if she knew where she was. "Bank of America," the woman answered. "I noticed no Bank of America anywhere within eyesight," the cop noted. The 27-year-old woman was charged with DUI. Medics examined her legs and body — everything appeared OK.

En route to the police precinct, the woman kept asking "What's happening?" The cop noted, "I informed her several times that she was under arrest, at which time she would state, 'You're cute,' not seeming to comprehend the situation."

Her police-precinct debut was memorable: The cop recalled, "Upon arrival at the police precinct, I walked [[the woman through] the main entrance, at which time she said, 'Taaaa-Daaaaa! I'm here!' to anyone and everyone present."

The cop filled out the arrest paperwork and put a shackle on the woman's leg. "Can't I just suck your dick and you not take me to jail or something?" she blurted. Nope, shrugged the cop. The woman concluded, "You're an asshole."

__SCENT REDEMPTION:__ In Lakewood Heights, an Atlanta police sergeant saw a brand-new Mustang GT stopped at a red light. "For unknown reasons, the Mustang aggressively accelerated south when the traffic light turned to green," the sergeant noted. Yep, the alleged speed demon zipped away in front of a sergeant sitting in a fully marked squad car. Sarge hit the gas and the chase was on. "I accelerated with the vehicle reaching a speed of 96 mph ... before activating the emergency equipment of my patrol, signaling the Mustang to stop," the sergeant noted.

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Sarge got out of squad car and chatted with the driver, a 41-year-old man, who had an unusual explanation for his actions. "He advised that he was aware of [[the speed] and that he thought I was following him," the sergeant noted.

The driver was technically correct. The sergeant was following him — for speeding. The sergeant continued, "[[The driver's] mannerisms were very nervous and awkward, much like a drunk driver, yet all I could smell in the vehicle was the 'new car' smell."

Sarge charged the 41-year-old man with reckless driving, handcuffed him, and escorted him to the squad car. "While completing [[the] required paperwork in my squad [[car], I began to detect the odor of alcoholic beverage emanating from arrestee's person," the sergeant noted. "With arrestee already being in custody for the traffic violation, I decided to forgo pursuing a DUI investigation and subsequent charges."

This is the first time in Blotter history that a new car smell may have saved a driver from a DUI charge. The driver's shiny new Mustang was impounded.

__LOST IN SPACE:__ In Castleberry Hill, a cop was working an extra job at a restaurant where a 32-year-old man became unruly. A security guard urged the man to leave but he was "too intoxicated" to understand the request.

When the cop walked inside, the unruly man was engaged "in mutual physical combat using a closed fist" on the security guard, the cop noted.

The security guard said the man was "confrontational with patrons" and extremely "touchy" with a female waitress. The security guard said he asked the guy to walk outside, and the man agreed but insisted that the security guard walk ahead of him. Nope, the security guard replied, "You first, sir, I'm just going to make sure you find the door." They exchanged words and the man reportedly punched the security guard's jaw. The security guard said he struck the man about three times.

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After the brawl, the 32-year-old man was "bleeding lightly" from the nose, so the cop called an ambulance to the scene. Totally freaked out, the man refused medical treatment, pushing people away as he shouted that the medics were "aliens who wanted to hurt me." The unruly man, who hails from Paulding County, spent the night in jail.

 

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Strange find of the year


__COSTUME FETISH:__ In the Edgewood neighborhood, a man found a purple suitcase filled with Halloween costumes in his backyard. He called police about the unusual find.

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Officers took control of the purple suitcase, found an identifying tag on it, and called the suitcase's owner, a woman who lived a few blocks away. The woman said she's out of town at the moment, and she had no clue why her purple bag of costumes landed in the man's backyard.

 

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Animal instincts


__SNAKE CHARMER:__ Water gushed from an apartment filled with slithery creatures on Peachtree Street. "I went to the 10th floor and observed several inches of water covering the south hallway," a cop noted. "I walked into the unit where the water was coming from and observed water pouring from the ceiling in the smaller room to the left. I also observed several snake habitats with snakes in the room."

The 35-year-old man in the snake-filled apartment "stated he was high on methamphetamines and because of his paranoia he ignited a lighter directly next to a sprinkler head, which caused the sprinkler system to start and not stop," the cop noted. "[[He] said he was feeling very paranoid and began to observe pieces of crack, cocaine and heroin inside his apartment. [[He] stated that he found these drugs to be alarming because he exclusively uses methamphetamines and these other drugs are not up to his standards."

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The paranoia-inspired flood damaged apartments on the ninth and 10th floor. The paranoid man complained of chest pains, so cops took him to Piedmont Hospital.

__FELINE FRENZY:__ In Chastain Park, a 48-year-old man called police to his apartment after he picked up two women at a popular Buckhead bar. "Upon arrival at the scene, the front door was open and I observed the victim lying on the floor in a pool of blood with a compound fracture to his left leg," a cop noted.

The 48-year-old man said the first woman had short black hair and wore an orange dress. The second woman wore a black dress and had long black hair. He said they all went back to his apartment and eventually he fell asleep. He said when he awoke later, both women were rummaging through his belongings in his closet. The man said he tried to stop the women, who alledgedly snatched his wallet and three of his watches. During the struggle, he said the woman in the black dress pushed him down the stairs, and that's how he broke his leg.

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Cops searched the apartment: In the upstairs master bedroom, a back door was wide open. No one else was there. Also, the man added that both women "were wearing contacts that looked like 'cat eyes.'"

 

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Bizarre rant of the year


__ITCHY SITUATION:__ In Downtown, an undercover cop said that he spotted a man drinking beer from a Starbucks cup. "As I watched, he finished the beer and discarded the plastic cup on the city sidewalk at the intersection of Walton Street and Peachtree," the cop noted. "I called a takedown unit and began to follow him. As I followed him, he ducked behind a pillar near the intersection of Forsyth and Walton streets and emerged again very close to me. He walked straight up to me, and I thought he was about to ask me why I was following him."

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The man did nothing of the sort. Instead, the man bellowed, "Nothing is worse than an itchy asshole! Then, you gotta buy one of these." The man thrust out a jar of Vaseline toward the undercover cop. "You know you are going to use the whole thing," the man said, shaking the Vaseline jar. "God is terrible. Hey, do you have some loose change I could have?"

The undercover cop explained that he did not have any cash on him. Backup units arrived and arrested the man, 63. He went to jail, charged with littering, drinking in public, and monetary solicitation.

 

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Techno diss of the year


__SELFIE ABSORBED:__ On Peachtree Road, a 44-year-old Alabama woman driving a white Mercedes stopped in front of a Buckhead restaurant's neon sign, blocking rush-hour traffic. She hopped out of her car and tried to take a selfie, posing near the restaurant sign. During her self-portrait attempt, the woman yelled profanities at other drivers trying to turn into the restaurant's parking lot.

A young restaurant employee tried to deal with her. "I approached in a friendly manner to ask if everything was OK," he recalled. "She kept daring me to call police" and called him a "stupid motherfucker." He went inside to get his boss.

The restaurant manager walked outside to reason with the woman. "She rolled up her window when I tried to speak to her," the manager said. "She then opened her sunroof and yelled, 'Call 911 bitch, I dare you.'" When the manager called police, the woman "pulled forward — at high speed — and parked in my valet parking area." The woman refused to move her car and cranked up her radio, blasting music until police arrived.

A cop noted the ear-splitting volume. "Upon my approach to the car, the radio in the vehicle was extremely loud. Loud enough so I could hear each word of the song audible to make out the lyrics clearly from 75-100 feet away."

The cop asked the woman to please turn down her radio.

"Fuck you," she responded.

The cop: "Again, I asked her to politely to turn down the radio."

"Fuck you," the woman said. "Hold on a minute while I take a selfie."

Get out of your car, the cop ordered.

"Can't you just hold on and let me take a picture?" the woman bellowed.

Get out of your car, the cop repeated.

"Fuck you, make me!" she yelled. "Fuck this, I'm leaving."

The woman tried to put her car in drive, with the door open. The cop promptly handcuffed her. While "cursing uncontrollably," the woman reportedly threatened the cop by stating "she wanted to fucking kill me and get her boys to 'retire' me," the cop noted.

A restaurant employee witnessed the woman's diatribe. "I heard her threaten to have the officer 'cancelled' and for her male passenger to 'murder this motherfucker.'" Next, the woman refused to get out of the patrol car until "we treated her with dignity," the cop noted.

 

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Weird thefts of the year


__NUTTY FIND:__ Near Atlantic Station, a 19-year-old man parked his Volkswagen Jetta and went inside to shop. About 10 minutes later, he returned to his car and noticed a problem: The driver's-side window was smashed and his black-and-orange backpack was missing from the passenger seat.

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The 19-year-old said his missing backpack contained a MacBook Pro computer, an iPad Air, a digital camera, one pair of Prada prescription sunglasses, an external hard drive, and a brown gavel with the word "Malice" engraved on it. "The man further stated that five jars of peanut butter and five jars of jelly were removed from his vehicle," the cop noted.

__VISION QUEST:__ In the Perkerson Park area, an older bleary-eyed man walked into a convenience store and allegedly stole 11 different bottles of eye drops. No two bottles were the same brand. His collection included "advanced" drops, "maximum" drops, "original" drops, "gel" drops, and "balanced" drops. He went to jail on a shoplifting charge. The eye drops are worth $88.35.

 

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Aging hipster of the year


__THIS IS 30:__ A suburban guy was peeing on a street near Aaron's Amphitheater at Lakewood. A cop flipped on his blue lights. Startled, the man stopped peeing and quickly walked away. Soon, the man's brisk walk morphed into a jog.

"By the time I made it to St. Johns [[Avenue], the male was in a full sprint, running northbound on Pryor Road," the cop noted. "The male slowed to a jog as he ran through the parking lot" of a gas station. "I watched as the male ran and quickly ducked behind a vehicle. I then exited my vehicle and stealthily flanked the male." The man darted off, sprinting again. The cop yelled, "Police! Stop!" Bystanders cheered, "He got the police running!"

The cop kept up the foot chase. "I was able to catch the male at the entrance to the Lakewood concert [[venue]." Once handcuffed, the man said he was very sorry, and he ran due to extreme fear. "I got scared, I grew up running from the police in Dunwoody," the man explained. "I'm athletic, I thought I could get away, but I'm 30 years old now."

The man still lives in Dunwoody. He went to jail, charged with peeing in public.

 

???
Health care demand of the year


__REALITY BITES:__ Near Greenbriar Mall, a woman wearing a blue striped dress marched into a dentist's office and demanded a root canal. (The dentist had treated the woman before.) The dentist told her that he couldn't perform the root canal himself and recommended that she see a specialist. The woman, 45, was "unsatisfied with this and only wanted the pain to stop and demanded that her dentist perform the procedure," a cop noted. Once again, the dentist explained that he could not perform the root canal. The woman alledgedly retrieved an aluminum bat from her car and threatened the dentist with it. She reportedly tried to hit the dentist with the bat, but he grabbed it to prevent being struck.

Finally, the woman stormed away. As a parting gesture, she swung her bat at his office wall, leaving a hole.

Once the woman exited the office, the dentist's assistant locked the front door. "There is video surveillance in the dentist office lobby, which should capture [[the woman] entering and exiting the office with a bat," the officer noted. "During my investigation, I was wearing a body camera and utilized the camera function on the video recorder to take pictures of the damage."

 

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Car theft of the year


__GETAWAY CAR:__ In Midtown, a 25-year-old man strolled home from work along Peachtree Street when he saw a shocking sight: his own car was headed toward him driven by two strangers. The man watched as his car stopped at the traffic light at Peachtree and 14th streets. The man raced over to his car, banged on the window, and yelled for the thieves to stop. He flung the door open and tried to overpower the thieves, but the traffic light turned green and the thieves sped away.

A witness verified the man's story to police. The 25-year-old said his car's trunk has two prominent bumper stickers, one of which read: "Don't Tread on Me."

 

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Mystery graffiti of the year


__GET SCHOOLED:__ A college in South Buckhead was recently vandalized. The perps gained access to a locked roof area and spray-painted the walls with images and phrases such as "The Academie," "God, Watch Over ATL," "One Love," and "We Are All Angels." A school security guard was very perplexed about how the perps got onto the roof because the rooftop doors are locked 24/7.

 

??
Lazy Taser of the year


__CUT AND RUN:__ Police received a call about a person armed with a knife at a house in South Atlanta. Upon arrival, a cop noted, "He told us that he was a federal agent and had very pronounced delusions about where he was."

Behavioral health workers believed the man had been off his medication for days. They wanted to take the man to Grady Memorial Hospital and urged the cops to help with "assistance in getting him out of the home." Cops agreed and got the man outside. "As we got out of the house, the male understood that he was going to Grady against his will," a cop noted. "He began sprinting as fast as a 58-year-old smoker can run."

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The cop asked health workers if they wanted him to use force to take the man into custody. No, they replied. After the man ran 50 yards, the knife fell from his pocket and he picked it up. "He began running with the knife in his hand," the cop noted. "Apparently, this changed the opinion of the Grady behavioral health workers and they said they did want him in custody."

The cop sprinted after the man, chasing him for at least 100 yards. "The blade of the knife was open and in his hand," the cop noted. "The male stopped to take his boots off, then continued running. Eventually, he tired out with the knife still in his hand. I feared that he would decide to use the knife to either attack me or defend himself from being taken into custody." So the cop used his Taser. "The prongs entered [[the man's] back at his waist and his lower shoulder blade."

Police took the man in for a psychological evaluation.

 

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Cop tales of the year


__GREAT BALLS OF FIRE__: A police recruit "was cutting the grass at the Atlanta Police Academy when he was bitten by insects to his left leg and right testicle area," according to a police report.

"He complained of swelling and was sent to get medical treatment."

__DOUGHNUT SURPRISE__: A cop said a woman walked into the Zone 3 precinct, handed him a loaded .38 special revolver, and said she found it at a local doughnut shop. "Have fun with that," she said.

''Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.''"
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  string(23489) "    From family squabbles to drunken nights on the town, this year's roundup of bizarre ATL crimes is one for the history books   2015-07-16T08:00:00+00:00 The Blotter: Best of the Blotter 2015   Lauren Keating 1306477 2015-07-16T08:00:00+00:00  An official Blotter all-star may be sitting near you as you thumb through the annual Best of the Blotter issue.

They are often found perched on wobbly bar stools across the city, mumbling details of their latest brush with the law to anyone who will listen.

They get arrested with bizarre style. In previous years, some talked smack to cops. Others succumbed to urges like fornicating furiously in public on a fine spring day. Or smoking marijuana with a friend while sitting on the steps of a police precinct. Blotter all-stars bend our concept of common sense because they get busted with such wild aplomb. They know that if you're going to go to jail, you better make the crime worth it.

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Frenemies rampage


FRIENDSHIP STRIPPED: In Buckhead, a 21-year-old man called police to his apartment. According to the police report, the man said he and a female friend went on a road trip "to Alabama to get some money from her family and they were on their way back to Georgia after he had received $500 from his cousins in Alabama." During the ride back, the man fell asleep in the back seat of his friend's car. When he woke up, they were outside the female friend's apartment. She said she needed to pick up her male cousin to buy some marijuana. The cousin hopped into the car, and the friend drove to a nearby apartment — in a much less luxurious part of town. The friend parked behind the complex. The friend's cousin grabbed the 21-year-old from behind and pinned him down, while the friend rummaged through his pockets. "Give me the money or you'll be sorry," the cousin kept saying. Eventually, they found the $500 stuffed inside the 21-year-old's pocket — and the friend drove him back to his apartment and dropped him off.

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The 21-year-old described his female friend as a stripper who works at a nearby club. The 21-year-old had marks on his neck and chin, the reporting officer noted.

ROOMMATE RAGE: In Piedmont Heights, cops responded to an "embellished story" dispute between two guys who have lived together on-and-off for 12 years. The caller said he has epilepsy, and he and his roommate were arguing when he had an epileptic episode and fell into the shower's glass door. A cop arrived and asked the man if he was hurt. The man said he was not hurt. Just to make sure, the cop looked the man over. "Other than an unhealthy-looking big toe, I did not observe any visible injuries," the cop noted, adding that the guy rambled and "did not make much sense."

The other roommate "was very cooperative and calm and quick to provide information," the cop wrote. The roommate said they are good friends, but their relationship had recently deteriorated and just a few hours earlier he had announced that he was moving out at the end of the month. That's when epileptic man became upset and called police.

The cop attempted to have a second conversation with the epileptic man to clarify why he called police, but it got weird. The epileptic man called the cop a "skinny bitch,'" the cop noted. "Also he said I 'needed to eat a sandwich' and began making 'Hail Hitler Nazi salute motions.'"

Both roommates agreed to leave for the night. No one was arrested.

FAMILY SPAT OF THE YEAR: A fight broke out between two cousins on Luckie Street. A 33-year-old in a white polka-dot dress and "shaved hair on both sides of her head" started brawling with her cousin. At one point, Polka Dot hurled a candle at her cousin. Neighbors rushed outside to see the commotion and gave statements to the police.

"Y'all nosey bitches need to mind y'all business, what the fuck y'all looking at?" screamed Polka Dot. After yelling at the neighbors, Polka Dot allegedly hurled her cell phone and a bottle of bug spray toward her cousin. Wisely, the cousin took off running away from Polka Dot.

Polka Dot stormed back into her apartment for a moment and then returned to her front porch armed with a shotgun. According to her neighbors, Polka Dot "then racked the action of the shotgun while still engaging in choice words."

When cops arrived, they heard "loud yelling" behind the apartment building. Polka Dot was screaming and trying to get into her apartment's back door.

Also, Polka Dot "had minor cuts to the face," the cop noted in the police report. Polka Dot went to jail on disorderly conduct charges. A shotgun shell and the can of bug spray were turned in as evidence.

 

???
Plastered, sloshed, and buzzed


SHOUT IT LOUD: Two Sandy Springs men were enjoying a recent KISS/Def Leppard concert when things got ugly. A drunk married couple alledgedly went berserk while standing behind the men. The 36-year-old man and his wife were reportedly very argumentative. At one point, the drunk man pushed the two Sandy Springs guys, telling them to move.

??image-2
The Sandy Springs men exchanged terse words with the unruly man and wife, and then went back to watching the concert. Suddenly, the two Sandy Springs men "felt a warm stream of liquid on their legs and pants, causing them to turn around and witness the 36-year-old man's penis out of his pants, urinating on them," the cop wrote. The two guys were outraged and tried to stop the 36-year-old from peeing on them. The drunk man's wife stepped in and blocked the two Sandy Springs men. "Some mutual pushing took place" between all parties, the cop reported, but concert security was able to break up the tussle before it escalated further.

The cop spoke with the 36-year-old pisser. "I could tell he was intoxicated because I am currently assigned to a DUI task force," the cop explained. "I am a Drug Recognition Expert, and have many encounters with people who have consumed alcohol and drugs." The cop arrested the 36-year-old man.

DRAMATIC ENTRANCE: In Buckhead, cops responded to a call about a woman's legs possibly being trapped under a black SUV near the Piedmont Avenue and Roswell Road intersection. A bystander said the woman drove the SUV into a parking space and hopped out, clutching a glass in one hand. The woman promptly fell over, shattering the glass. Bystanders said the woman was "laughing and crying" while lying on the ground. Her legs were not trapped, but she seemed too drunk to walk on her own. "I could plainly see a full 16-ounce Stella Artois beer can in her purse," the cop noted. "I asked the woman if she had been drinking anything today, specifically Stella, at which time she reached into her purse and attempted to open the beer can."

The officer removed the beer from the woman's hands and asked her what happened. "I don't know," the woman said. The cop asked if she knew where she was. "Bank of America," the woman answered. "I noticed no Bank of America anywhere within eyesight," the cop noted. The 27-year-old woman was charged with DUI. Medics examined her legs and body — everything appeared OK.

En route to the police precinct, the woman kept asking "What's happening?" The cop noted, "I informed her several times that she was under arrest, at which time she would state, 'You're cute,' not seeming to comprehend the situation."

Her police-precinct debut was memorable: The cop recalled, "Upon arrival at the police precinct, I walked the woman through the main entrance, at which time she said, 'Taaaa-Daaaaa! I'm here!' to anyone and everyone present."

The cop filled out the arrest paperwork and put a shackle on the woman's leg. "Can't I just suck your dick and you not take me to jail or something?" she blurted. Nope, shrugged the cop. The woman concluded, "You're an asshole."

SCENT REDEMPTION: In Lakewood Heights, an Atlanta police sergeant saw a brand-new Mustang GT stopped at a red light. "For unknown reasons, the Mustang aggressively accelerated south when the traffic light turned to green," the sergeant noted. Yep, the alleged speed demon zipped away in front of a sergeant sitting in a fully marked squad car. Sarge hit the gas and the chase was on. "I accelerated with the vehicle reaching a speed of 96 mph ... before activating the emergency equipment of my patrol, signaling the Mustang to stop," the sergeant noted.

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Sarge got out of squad car and chatted with the driver, a 41-year-old man, who had an unusual explanation for his actions. "He advised that he was aware of the speed and that he thought I was following him," the sergeant noted.

The driver was technically correct. The sergeant was following him — for speeding. The sergeant continued, "The driver's mannerisms were very nervous and awkward, much like a drunk driver, yet all I could smell in the vehicle was the 'new car' smell."

Sarge charged the 41-year-old man with reckless driving, handcuffed him, and escorted him to the squad car. "While completing the required paperwork in my squad car, I began to detect the odor of alcoholic beverage emanating from arrestee's person," the sergeant noted. "With arrestee already being in custody for the traffic violation, I decided to forgo pursuing a DUI investigation and subsequent charges."

This is the first time in Blotter history that a new car smell may have saved a driver from a DUI charge. The driver's shiny new Mustang was impounded.

LOST IN SPACE: In Castleberry Hill, a cop was working an extra job at a restaurant where a 32-year-old man became unruly. A security guard urged the man to leave but he was "too intoxicated" to understand the request.

When the cop walked inside, the unruly man was engaged "in mutual physical combat using a closed fist" on the security guard, the cop noted.

The security guard said the man was "confrontational with patrons" and extremely "touchy" with a female waitress. The security guard said he asked the guy to walk outside, and the man agreed but insisted that the security guard walk ahead of him. Nope, the security guard replied, "You first, sir, I'm just going to make sure you find the door." They exchanged words and the man reportedly punched the security guard's jaw. The security guard said he struck the man about three times.

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After the brawl, the 32-year-old man was "bleeding lightly" from the nose, so the cop called an ambulance to the scene. Totally freaked out, the man refused medical treatment, pushing people away as he shouted that the medics were "aliens who wanted to hurt me." The unruly man, who hails from Paulding County, spent the night in jail.

 

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Strange find of the year


COSTUME FETISH: In the Edgewood neighborhood, a man found a purple suitcase filled with Halloween costumes in his backyard. He called police about the unusual find.

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Officers took control of the purple suitcase, found an identifying tag on it, and called the suitcase's owner, a woman who lived a few blocks away. The woman said she's out of town at the moment, and she had no clue why her purple bag of costumes landed in the man's backyard.

 

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Animal instincts


SNAKE CHARMER: Water gushed from an apartment filled with slithery creatures on Peachtree Street. "I went to the 10th floor and observed several inches of water covering the south hallway," a cop noted. "I walked into the unit where the water was coming from and observed water pouring from the ceiling in the smaller room to the left. I also observed several snake habitats with snakes in the room."

The 35-year-old man in the snake-filled apartment "stated he was high on methamphetamines and because of his paranoia he ignited a lighter directly next to a sprinkler head, which caused the sprinkler system to start and not stop," the cop noted. "He said he was feeling very paranoid and began to observe pieces of crack, cocaine and heroin inside his apartment. He stated that he found these drugs to be alarming because he exclusively uses methamphetamines and these other drugs are not up to his standards."

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The paranoia-inspired flood damaged apartments on the ninth and 10th floor. The paranoid man complained of chest pains, so cops took him to Piedmont Hospital.

FELINE FRENZY: In Chastain Park, a 48-year-old man called police to his apartment after he picked up two women at a popular Buckhead bar. "Upon arrival at the scene, the front door was open and I observed the victim lying on the floor in a pool of blood with a compound fracture to his left leg," a cop noted.

The 48-year-old man said the first woman had short black hair and wore an orange dress. The second woman wore a black dress and had long black hair. He said they all went back to his apartment and eventually he fell asleep. He said when he awoke later, both women were rummaging through his belongings in his closet. The man said he tried to stop the women, who alledgedly snatched his wallet and three of his watches. During the struggle, he said the woman in the black dress pushed him down the stairs, and that's how he broke his leg.

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Cops searched the apartment: In the upstairs master bedroom, a back door was wide open. No one else was there. Also, the man added that both women "were wearing contacts that looked like 'cat eyes.'"

 

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Bizarre rant of the year


ITCHY SITUATION: In Downtown, an undercover cop said that he spotted a man drinking beer from a Starbucks cup. "As I watched, he finished the beer and discarded the plastic cup on the city sidewalk at the intersection of Walton Street and Peachtree," the cop noted. "I called a takedown unit and began to follow him. As I followed him, he ducked behind a pillar near the intersection of Forsyth and Walton streets and emerged again very close to me. He walked straight up to me, and I thought he was about to ask me why I was following him."

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The man did nothing of the sort. Instead, the man bellowed, "Nothing is worse than an itchy asshole! Then, you gotta buy one of these." The man thrust out a jar of Vaseline toward the undercover cop. "You know you are going to use the whole thing," the man said, shaking the Vaseline jar. "God is terrible. Hey, do you have some loose change I could have?"

The undercover cop explained that he did not have any cash on him. Backup units arrived and arrested the man, 63. He went to jail, charged with littering, drinking in public, and monetary solicitation.

 

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Techno diss of the year


SELFIE ABSORBED: On Peachtree Road, a 44-year-old Alabama woman driving a white Mercedes stopped in front of a Buckhead restaurant's neon sign, blocking rush-hour traffic. She hopped out of her car and tried to take a selfie, posing near the restaurant sign. During her self-portrait attempt, the woman yelled profanities at other drivers trying to turn into the restaurant's parking lot.

A young restaurant employee tried to deal with her. "I approached in a friendly manner to ask if everything was OK," he recalled. "She kept daring me to call police" and called him a "stupid motherfucker." He went inside to get his boss.

The restaurant manager walked outside to reason with the woman. "She rolled up her window when I tried to speak to her," the manager said. "She then opened her sunroof and yelled, 'Call 911 bitch, I dare you.'" When the manager called police, the woman "pulled forward — at high speed — and parked in my valet parking area." The woman refused to move her car and cranked up her radio, blasting music until police arrived.

A cop noted the ear-splitting volume. "Upon my approach to the car, the radio in the vehicle was extremely loud. Loud enough so I could hear each word of the song audible to make out the lyrics clearly from 75-100 feet away."

The cop asked the woman to please turn down her radio.

"Fuck you," she responded.

The cop: "Again, I asked her to politely to turn down the radio."

"Fuck you," the woman said. "Hold on a minute while I take a selfie."

Get out of your car, the cop ordered.

"Can't you just hold on and let me take a picture?" the woman bellowed.

Get out of your car, the cop repeated.

"Fuck you, make me!" she yelled. "Fuck this, I'm leaving."

The woman tried to put her car in drive, with the door open. The cop promptly handcuffed her. While "cursing uncontrollably," the woman reportedly threatened the cop by stating "she wanted to fucking kill me and get her boys to 'retire' me," the cop noted.

A restaurant employee witnessed the woman's diatribe. "I heard her threaten to have the officer 'cancelled' and for her male passenger to 'murder this motherfucker.'" Next, the woman refused to get out of the patrol car until "we treated her with dignity," the cop noted.

 

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Weird thefts of the year


NUTTY FIND: Near Atlantic Station, a 19-year-old man parked his Volkswagen Jetta and went inside to shop. About 10 minutes later, he returned to his car and noticed a problem: The driver's-side window was smashed and his black-and-orange backpack was missing from the passenger seat.

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The 19-year-old said his missing backpack contained a MacBook Pro computer, an iPad Air, a digital camera, one pair of Prada prescription sunglasses, an external hard drive, and a brown gavel with the word "Malice" engraved on it. "The man further stated that five jars of peanut butter and five jars of jelly were removed from his vehicle," the cop noted.

VISION QUEST: In the Perkerson Park area, an older bleary-eyed man walked into a convenience store and allegedly stole 11 different bottles of eye drops. No two bottles were the same brand. His collection included "advanced" drops, "maximum" drops, "original" drops, "gel" drops, and "balanced" drops. He went to jail on a shoplifting charge. The eye drops are worth $88.35.

 

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Aging hipster of the year


THIS IS 30: A suburban guy was peeing on a street near Aaron's Amphitheater at Lakewood. A cop flipped on his blue lights. Startled, the man stopped peeing and quickly walked away. Soon, the man's brisk walk morphed into a jog.

"By the time I made it to St. Johns Avenue, the male was in a full sprint, running northbound on Pryor Road," the cop noted. "The male slowed to a jog as he ran through the parking lot" of a gas station. "I watched as the male ran and quickly ducked behind a vehicle. I then exited my vehicle and stealthily flanked the male." The man darted off, sprinting again. The cop yelled, "Police! Stop!" Bystanders cheered, "He got the police running!"

The cop kept up the foot chase. "I was able to catch the male at the entrance to the Lakewood concert venue." Once handcuffed, the man said he was very sorry, and he ran due to extreme fear. "I got scared, I grew up running from the police in Dunwoody," the man explained. "I'm athletic, I thought I could get away, but I'm 30 years old now."

The man still lives in Dunwoody. He went to jail, charged with peeing in public.

 

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Health care demand of the year


REALITY BITES: Near Greenbriar Mall, a woman wearing a blue striped dress marched into a dentist's office and demanded a root canal. (The dentist had treated the woman before.) The dentist told her that he couldn't perform the root canal himself and recommended that she see a specialist. The woman, 45, was "unsatisfied with this and only wanted the pain to stop and demanded that her dentist perform the procedure," a cop noted. Once again, the dentist explained that he could not perform the root canal. The woman alledgedly retrieved an aluminum bat from her car and threatened the dentist with it. She reportedly tried to hit the dentist with the bat, but he grabbed it to prevent being struck.

Finally, the woman stormed away. As a parting gesture, she swung her bat at his office wall, leaving a hole.

Once the woman exited the office, the dentist's assistant locked the front door. "There is video surveillance in the dentist office lobby, which should capture the woman entering and exiting the office with a bat," the officer noted. "During my investigation, I was wearing a body camera and utilized the camera function on the video recorder to take pictures of the damage."

 

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Car theft of the year


GETAWAY CAR: In Midtown, a 25-year-old man strolled home from work along Peachtree Street when he saw a shocking sight: his own car was headed toward him driven by two strangers. The man watched as his car stopped at the traffic light at Peachtree and 14th streets. The man raced over to his car, banged on the window, and yelled for the thieves to stop. He flung the door open and tried to overpower the thieves, but the traffic light turned green and the thieves sped away.

A witness verified the man's story to police. The 25-year-old said his car's trunk has two prominent bumper stickers, one of which read: "Don't Tread on Me."

 

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Mystery graffiti of the year


GET SCHOOLED: A college in South Buckhead was recently vandalized. The perps gained access to a locked roof area and spray-painted the walls with images and phrases such as "The Academie," "God, Watch Over ATL," "One Love," and "We Are All Angels." A school security guard was very perplexed about how the perps got onto the roof because the rooftop doors are locked 24/7.

 

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Lazy Taser of the year


CUT AND RUN: Police received a call about a person armed with a knife at a house in South Atlanta. Upon arrival, a cop noted, "He told us that he was a federal agent and had very pronounced delusions about where he was."

Behavioral health workers believed the man had been off his medication for days. They wanted to take the man to Grady Memorial Hospital and urged the cops to help with "assistance in getting him out of the home." Cops agreed and got the man outside. "As we got out of the house, the male understood that he was going to Grady against his will," a cop noted. "He began sprinting as fast as a 58-year-old smoker can run."

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The cop asked health workers if they wanted him to use force to take the man into custody. No, they replied. After the man ran 50 yards, the knife fell from his pocket and he picked it up. "He began running with the knife in his hand," the cop noted. "Apparently, this changed the opinion of the Grady behavioral health workers and they said they did want him in custody."

The cop sprinted after the man, chasing him for at least 100 yards. "The blade of the knife was open and in his hand," the cop noted. "The male stopped to take his boots off, then continued running. Eventually, he tired out with the knife still in his hand. I feared that he would decide to use the knife to either attack me or defend himself from being taken into custody." So the cop used his Taser. "The prongs entered the man's back at his waist and his lower shoulder blade."

Police took the man in for a psychological evaluation.

 

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Cop tales of the year


GREAT BALLS OF FIRE: A police recruit "was cutting the grass at the Atlanta Police Academy when he was bitten by insects to his left leg and right testicle area," according to a police report.

"He complained of swelling and was sent to get medical treatment."

DOUGHNUT SURPRISE: A cop said a woman walked into the Zone 3 precinct, handed him a loaded .38 special revolver, and said she found it at a local doughnut shop. "Have fun with that," she said.

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.             13083739 14835044                          The Blotter: Best of the Blotter 2015 "
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  string(25158) "Perhaps the "A" in Atlanta should stand for "animals." Living in this sizzling Southern mecca, some are prone to reverting back to their primal instincts — walking around naked, biting foes, launching poop. We humans can turn into beasts when faced with extreme doses of passion and paranoia. So in recognition of the city's drunken brutes, greedy wretches, and unhinged mobs, we present our annual ode to some of the most bizarre crimes that took place over the past year. Welcome to the Best of the Blotter: Atlanta's wild kingdom.

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---
!!ATL characters and costumes


DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE: A bare-bottomed woman was booted from Underground Atlanta for lack of "proper garments" on her lower half. A cop spotted the cheeky 23-year-old lass as she strutted down the street, wearing only a shirt and shredded overalls tied around her waist. "From a distance, her buttock was clearly exposed," the cop noted. "As I approached her, she turned around and her genitals and pubic area were also clearly exposed." During the arrest, things got wacky. According to the police report, the woman "insisted that she was fully dressed" even after the cop pointed out her nude hindquarters. "Let me turn this off," the woman said. The cop heard a zapping noise and realized the woman had a Taser. "Drop it!" the cop ordered. The woman ditched her Taser.

?image-1
At the Underground precinct, the cop asked the woman for her name. First, she uttered expletives. Then she claimed to be "Alice in Wonderland" and stated that she frequently uses several aliases: Carmichael, Cilleh, and Juanua. The woman repeatedly called the male cops "ma'am" and female cops "sir." Then she assumed a strange position on the precinct floor. "She was having conversations with herself while lying down on her back on the floor of the holding area with her legs up in the air," the cop wrote. She went to jail on public indecency charges.

DUDE, IT'S NOT A CAPE: Weeks before Halloween, a mostly naked 19-year-old man wrapped in a sheet tumbled out the window of his second-floor apartment. The man "had no shirt and his pants were pulled down around his ankles," the cop noted. Ragged window blinds were strewn around the area where he fell. The officer tried to figure out if the 19-year-old had been pushed or if he fell. His friends said they'd been drinking for hours and the 19-year-old was acting "funny." But the friends were hazy, too. "Neither could give accurate descriptions of what happened nor specifically describe what acting 'funny' meant," the cop noted. Everyone smelled of marijuana. Finally, the 19-year-old said no one pushed him or tossed him out the window — he just fell. Remarkably, the 19-year-old had no serious injuries from his two-story tumble. Yes. It's a sheet. And you cannot fly.

HORROR HAMS: A barefaced man in brown overalls and a guy wearing a Scream mask strolled into a restaurant in Downtown. The masked man pointed a gun at a 34-year-old female cashier and demanded the woman hand over her keys and cellphone. Terrified, the cashier slowly inched her way into a back room to retrieve her car keys and phone from her purse. Shaking, the cashier returned to the front counter, but the masked man and his overall-wearing accomplice were gone. Nothing was missing from the restaurant, and no one was hurt. Naturally, cops wanted to verify the cashier's bizarre story. Sure enough, after reviewing the restaurant's surveillance tape the cop "could clearly see the two individuals, the 'Scream' mask, and the gun." Apparently, it was a prank.

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!!Surveillance shivers


SNOWDEN WANNABE: A woman clutching a motorcycle helmet and a video camera walked headlong into traffic on I-20. "She seemed very focused and oblivious to the interstate traffic," wrote the officer, who stopped to help her. "Don't touch me!" the woman yelled. "She told me I could drug-test her and she's looking for her memory card from the video camera. She said what was on the memory card was more important than her life," the officer noted. "She started talking about people hacking into her grandmother or mother's computer and people following her around."

?image-2
Police found her broken-down motorcycle on I-20 and moved it to a safer location. The woman, 41, was charged with walking on a highway.

At the police precinct, cops found large amounts of electrical equipment stuffed into pouches that were strapped around the woman's waist. Two more bags of electrical equipment were strapped to her motorcycle. During the search, the woman "started speaking into one of the little hand-held voice recorders, telling it what was happening to her now," the officer noted. When she lifted up her arms, cops saw small cuts on her stomach and chest. The names of three people had been carved into her left leg. Apparently, one name belonged to an ex-boyfriend. The woman kept saying her "family is under surveillance" and she must return to I-20 to search for her missing memory card. Police decided the best place for her was a psych ward.

WATCH OUT: "I'm waiting for the mayor and Channel 2 News. Where is my mother and why is everybody watching me? What the fuck?" screamed a high-strung man in Old Fourth Ward. He was hunkered down and refusing to leave a busy office building. A cop raced inside and found the man in the front lobby. The cop ordered the man to leave. "Fuck, man, for what?" the man said, yanking his hand from the cop's grasp.

The building's security chief told the cop that they "have video surveillance of the whole incident from when he ran into the security booth, and then ran by security into the building and started running up on employees." The cop arrested the wide-eyed man.

The man told the cops that he had taken methamphetamines. "I feel real fucked sir, and I can't breathe," the man said. "Oh shit a methamphetamine, I can't feel my face." The man, 30, hails from Sandy Springs.

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---
!!Work quirks


?image-3
SHIPS AHOY: In Buckhead, a 25-year-old Marietta man was outraged when he was fired from his job at a high-rise office tower. In his fury, the man allegedly stole a pirate flag from his co-worker's desk. The co-worker says he knows the Marietta man stole his flag because he saw it on the Marietta man's desk as he packed up his belongings. The co-worker said he called the Marietta man about his beloved missing pirate flag, but the Marietta man reportedly said the pirate flag doesn't belong to the co-worker and hung up. The co-worker called police and said the pirate flag is indeed his personal property — and he wants it back. The pirate flag is worth about $25.

JOB SNOB: "You think you are too good because you work in a chicken factory!" yelled one friend to another in Downtown Atlanta. A 43-year-old man said his screaming friend wanted to hang out with him, but the 43-year-old refused because he had to go to work the following morning. The 43-year-old said his friend hollered at him and then prepared to fight. The friend reportedly took a swing at the 43-year-old, dislocating his own arm. The 43-year-old leaned forward to block the punch and fell, hitting his head on a car.

SALUTATION SMACKDOWN: Three men work at a gas station on Roswell Road. One guy asked, "Are you having a good day or not?" The second guy replied, "I'm not having a good day." The third guy rushed up and yelled, "You are always having a bad day!" The second guy jumped out of his chair and punched the third guy in the face. The man who threw the punch took off before police arrived.

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!!Furniture wars!


?image-4
STAND YOUR GROUND: The finer points of interior design sparked a couple's late-night battle in Downtown. A 54-year-old man said he and his younger boyfriend were in bed when they got into a spat over "available overnight stands." According to the 54-year-old, his lover reached into his pocket and pulled out a knife. The 54-year-old grabbed his cellphone to call police and said his younger lover slapped the phone from his hands and then slapped him in the face. The 54-year-old said he left their home because he felt outnumbered — even though only two of them were there.

NO SEX, NO SOFA: A marital spat broke out at an East Atlanta home. The husband said his wife went into a furious rage one morning because she didn't want to have sex with him. The wife allegedly grabbed a kitchen knife and started stabbing the sofa. The husband said that as he tried to stop her, he grabbed the knife and sliced his hand. They called police. The husband and the wife blamed each other for his bloody hand and the mangled sofa.

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---
!!Looney spirits roaming ATL


?image-5
JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL: In Downtown, a 28-year-old man refused to leave the SkyView Atlanta Ferris wheel area on Luckie Street. "He said that he was there because GOD told him to do so as a daily journey and that a gravitational pull forced him in that direction," a cop noted. Medics examined the man and said there was nothing wrong with him. The cop gave the man a trespassing warning and told him not to return to SkyView, then offered him a ride home. Nope, the man said, he'd just walk.

An hour later, the man's gravitational pull was triggered again. He returned to SkyView and plopped down in a chair. The same cop returned and took the man to jail for trespassing.

?image-6
MISSIONARY MAN: At Ansley Mall, a guy said a strange scruffy man was "preaching at him" outside a cafe about his supposed "sins and lifestyle." The guy said Preacher Man grabbed the chair he was sitting on and flipped it forward, dumping him to the ground. A cop searched Ansley Mall and eventually found Preacher Man outside a nearby sandwich shop. The cop asked him about the alleged incident. Preacher Man said the guy in the chair was "not a real man" but a "half-man." He explained the chair incident by saying he needed to get something from behind the chair the guy sat in but refused to vacate, so Preacher Man dragged the chair while the man was still sitting in it. Preacher Man said the force he used to move the guy's chair did not cause him to fall out — the man must have jumped out of his chair.

Preacher Man admitted to preaching earlier outside the mall. The cop charged the 39-year-old suspect with "acting in tumultuous and violent manner toward another." En route to jail, Preacher Man started "speaking in tongues" and "talking out loud to himself."

Also, the woman said she received a text message that read: "If I were you, I would follow these instructions: 'THE BLOOD IS OFF MY HANDS SAITH THE LORD.'"

?
---
!!Brave new world


WAY OFF BASE: At Turner Field, a father-son outing to a Braves game went horribly awry. The father and son were in a group of four guys who were busted for seat-hopping during the game. Three men cooperated with security and agreed to move back to their seats. However, the father went berserk. He stood up, threw his beer can onto the ground, and lunged toward a security guard while swinging his fist. "This is because of Obama!" the father yelled. "I am a Republican!" The father pushed a police officer into a stair railing and continued screaming obscene statements about Obama. The irate father flung his arms into the air and screamed as more police swarmed in.

Police carried the angry father down the stairs. The father, 52, was dragged, screaming profanities and resisting authorities, out of Turner Field. Now the father is banned from Braves games "indefinitely." His son was allowed to stay.

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---
!!ATL celebrity fears


GUCCI GALORE: During an arrest, a 29-year-old revealed one of his fears: being locked up in the same jail cell with Atlanta rapper Gucci Mane. The 29-year-old recently moved to Atlanta from Illinois. "My baby mama is gonna kill me," he said as he was stopped at a Northside Drive roadblock. "It's not fair, my license is from out of town," he said,

"He flipped through his wallet, which from the outside appeared to be a Gucci wallet," the officer wrote.

The man, who reeked of booze, admitted he'd had a few drinks at a nightclub on Piedmont Avenue. Turns out, his Illinois driver's license expired in 2011. Also, the man's car is actually owned by his baby mama — the mother of his six children. The man said he's in big trouble because he doesn't have the money to get the family car out of impound.

The officer arrested him for suspected DUI and put him in a patrol car. The man "was not making sense" and kept repeating himself and focusing on his one massive fear, the officer noted. "While in the back of my patrol car the man asked multiple times if he was going to be locked up with the Atlanta rapper Gucci Mane."

DRAMA QUEEN: A 36-year-old man said he was an ex-producer for a reality TV show about hot Atlanta singles. He claimed that weird things happened after he was fired from show. "The ex-producer feels like the show may end up being a huge success and for the past six weeks, he has been receiving phone calls," a cop noted. "The ex-producer stated that an unknown male has been calling him, asking for his name and Social Security number. ... Also, he feels like someone from the production has been stalking him at home and videotaping him at his house. The ex-producer feels that his life is in jeopardy. He advised that no one has directly threatened him, but he fears for his safety." The ex-producer couldn't name any possible suspects from the Atlanta singles reality show.

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---
!!Waste matters


?image-8
STINKY BROOM FIGHT: In the Westside, a 31-year-old man said his baby mama came over to get her belongings from his home. Conveniently, he'd already put her stuff all over his front yard. Enraged, the baby mama grabbed a broom and clobbered the man's hand, leaving a bloody cut.

After the broom smackdown, the man allegedly retaliated by throwing a bucket full of paint and urine all over his baby mamma. (No explanation of why a bucket filled with paint and urine happened to be nearby.) The woman had paint in her hair, as well as on her arms and shirt. Plus, the tangy aroma of urine wafted from both the man and woman.

The officer arrested both the man and baby mama on battery charges and took the stinky pair to jail.

SHIT STORM COMETH: A woman parked her car outside her home in the Westside. Around 2 a.m., long after she went to sleep, the woman heard a loud noise followed by what sounded like young people laughing. The next morning, the woman looked outside and saw a "soiled commode" smashed into her car. The filthy toilet left severe damage to her car's roof and front windshield. Cops asked the woman for any possible suspects. She said she had no clue why anyone would smash her car with a toilet. The cop talked to the woman's neighbors and noted, "The next-door neighbor advised that the commode had been laying on the pavement for days, but never got picked up."

?
---
!!Southern culture on the skids


GONE WITH THE WIND: A 32-year-old woman was urinating outside a bar in East Atlanta. A cop walked over for a chat. "During the conversation, the woman said she'd had two alcoholic drinks and that she's a Southern girl who is accustomed to urinating wherever she pleases," the cop wrote. Then the woman spontaneously said, "Take me to jail!" The officer arrested her for public urination and put her in his patrol car. Apparently, she really does believe Southern girls can pee wherever they want. En route to jail, the cop noted that the woman "urinated in the back of the patrol car." The woman hails from Milan, Ga., a small town between Cordele and Vidalia. Population: fewer than 700.

TRUCKER DELUXE: A 22-year-old from Athens, Ga., posted an ad on Craigslist to sell his iPhone and received an offer from an unusual man. The 22-year-old agreed to meet the man outside a McDonald's on Northside Drive to complete the sale. The man had a silhouette of a naked woman shaved onto the side of his head. The 22-year-old told police, it's "the same kind of naked woman silhouette that is commonly seen on truck mud flaps."

Undeterred, the 22-year-old decided to go ahead with the deal. He handed over the iPhone and the man gave him a stack of 12 $50 bills and drove away. Moments later, the 22-year-old realized all 12 $50 bills were counterfeit and tried to chase the man. Alas, the man was long gone. Note: Never do business with anyone who has body illustrations "commonly seen on truck mud flaps."

DECORUM DISCORD: A Las Vegas man visiting Atlanta called police about the dress code at a Buckhead restaurant. The Vegas man said the restaurant manager asked him to remove his hat before dining at the restaurant, but he refused. The manager said it was a standing policy for all patrons to dine without hats and pointed to a decorum sign posted at the entrance. Outraged, the Las Vegas man called police. A cop dutifully went to the restaurant and wrote a report about the incident. The cop told the Las Vegas man that the hat matter is not a crime; the restaurant can require patrons to dine without hats. The cop said the Vegas man could pursue the hat spat by taking it up as a civil dispute in court.

FEELING SAUCY: A 55-year-old man drove a food delivery truck to a warehouse on Southside Industrial Parkway. Apparently, it was closed when he arrived, so the man decided to sleep overnight in his truck in the parking lot. As the man slept, someone cut the lock on his trailer and stole 73 cases of Vidalia Sauce. The man woke up in time to see the suspects driving away in a white Jeep.

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!!Music madness


DIRT ROAD ANTHEM: A man called 911 because a bloody young man "wearing a flannel shirt and blue jeans" was in his backyard trying to open his back door. A cop found an 18-year-old Alpharetta man "standing by the rear door with what appeared to be blood on his face and shirt," the cop noted. The Alpharetta man said the last thing he remembered was arriving at a concert at Aaron's Amphitheatre at Lakewood (Jason Aldean and Florida Georgia Line performed that night). After that, everything was a blur.

"He had no idea where he was or whose house he was at," the cop noted. Apparently, after the show, the Alpharetta man hiked about two miles to get to the stranger's house. The cop searched the Alpharetta man and found four fake ID cards. The suspect said the fake IDs were for buying alcohol since he's only 18 years old. He went to jail, charged with prowling, trespassing, and false identification.

ONE NIGHT CAN LAST FOREVER: An Atlanta musician said he met a woman and had a "sexual encounter" with her that same night. The man alleges that, since then, the woman has harassed him with threats of blackmail and has called and texted him more than 40 times a day. The man said he's scared because the woman is a felon with an extensive criminal record. He says the woman even called a family member to track him down. The man said he is scared for "his life, and his guitars and other equipment."

DANCE-HALL DAZE: Trouble broke out on the dance floor of a local dance club. According to a security guard, a 22-year-old man "head-butted" a middle-aged Marietta man on the dance floor. Moments later, the middle-aged man staggered off the dance floor with his friends' help, bleeding from a large gash under his right eye.

The cop asked the man what triggered the head-butt. The middle-aged man said he was dancing with a lovely lady when the 22-year-old cut in front of him. The Marietta man politely asked him to get the heck out of his dance space, and the 22-year-old reared back and used his head as a weapon. The 22-year-old denied head-butting anyone, but security guards and dance-floor witnesses said otherwise. He went to jail for "striking another in the face with his head."

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!!Cops do weird stuff


SNOTTY SITUATION: In the Westside, an undercover cop was working a vice operation when a 31-year-old woman approached him. "She asked me was I looking for a date and I said yes," the officer wrote. "She said it would cost $40 and I said that's cool." The woman opened the car door and hopped inside. The officer noted: "Once inside my vehicle, I asked her what can I do for $40 and she said we can have sex, oral sex, but no anal sex. I asked her if she eats boogers during sex and she just looked at me and said no. I then asked her if it was OK for me to eat my boogers when I cum and she said that it was up to me." The woman allegedly agreed to $40 for oral sex and intercourse. The cop took the woman to jail for prostitution.

SCRIBBLE RAGE: Near Freedom Park, a white-bearded man in a checkered shirt was hurling garbage cans onto Ralph McGill Boulevard. The bearded man stomped from yard to yard while screaming violently as he grabbed trash cans and tossed them into the street. A neighbor shouted that he was going to call the police, and the white-bearded man ran toward Freedom Park.

A cop found the bearded man in the park, "dragging large fallen tree branches into the roadway and throwing large broken pieces of concrete curb in the roadway," the cop wrote. "He rambled something to me about how he was just trying to help."

?image-9
The cop asked the man for his name. Apparently, the cop had forgotten his trusty note pad, so he scribbled the name on his hand. Outraged and stunned, the bearded man yelled, "That's what note pads are for!" The bearded man refused to talk or give any more biographical information since the officer didn't have a note pad to write on. Plus, the bearded man kicked the cop in the calf as he went to jail for disorderly conduct.

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---
!!Dumb and dumber


FAILED CITIZEN INVESTIGATOR OF THE YEAR: In the West End, a 53-year-old woman was walking to a grocery store when she had an eerie experience. A flash of toes poking out from a pile of dirt caught her eye. Peering closer, the woman saw "an object resembling a baby foot in the dirt" that was freshly plowed outside a home. She proceeded to move toward the object, picked it up — ick! — and rushed to the grocery store. Frantic, the woman clutched the foot and called police.

"The woman said she was very concerned because she thought a baby could have possibly been buried at the location," an officer wrote. Police and a medical examiner rushed to the scene and carefully examined the foot. The medical examiner "determined the object was a white porcelain baby foot, not human remains."

FIANCÉE OF THE YEAR: A 30-year-old man said he and his fiancée keep getting into arguments due to her hormone imbalance from the birth-control pills she is taking. In the latest spat, the man said his fiancée took things to a new extreme. The fiancée allegedly bit the man on his forearm, leaving a cut and a bunch of scratches. The man said his fiancée also smashed a bunch of stuff around their house.

?image-10
Then the cop spoke with the fiancée — a 25-year-old woman — who confirmed that, (A) yes, she's taking birth control pills and, (B) yes, she's been acting differently since she started taking the pills. She admitted that she did go berserk earlier and bit her fiancé's arm due to her "uncontrollable hormones," the officer wrote. The woman went to jail and was charged with aggravated assault.

STUPID THIEF OF THE YEAR: In Ormewood Park, a Georgia Tech student said she left her apartment to go work out. When she returned, she tugged on her front door but the locks were severely damaged. She rushed to the back door and went inside. Her apartment had been ransacked. On a wall near the front door, someone scrawled this note complete with a smiley face: "James was here! ... I found you!"

Immediately, the woman called police. A cop looked around and asked if the woman knew anyone named James. She said no.

The woman said her "piggy bank dressed up as police" was smashed to pieces and $30 cash was stolen. Other missing items: two flat-screen TVs, a cable box, DVR, her guitar, her Georgia Tech book bag with wheels, 10 white towels, 10 pink towels, 10 green towels, toothpaste, tissue, and food from her refrigerator. Apparently, "James" not only robbed the wrong house, he also left behind blatant clues to his identity: The officer lifted five suspicious fingerprints from the front door, doorknobs, and the refrigerator.

STUPID STONER OF THE YEAR: In Downtown, a cop pulled up to police headquarters on Peachtree Street. In plain view, a stoned 21-year-old man was sitting on "the steps of police headquarters, where there are 'NO Sitting' and 'NO Trespassing' and 'NO Loitering' signs posted," the cop wrote. In his right hand, the man clutched a "blunt cigarillo" commonly used for smoking marijuana. "I smelled a strong odor of raw marijuana coming from his person," the cop noted.

Upon spotting the uniformed cop, the 21-year-old voluntarily began to empty out his pockets. The man "gave me his wallet and I felt a bulge in his wallet," the cop noted. Inside the man's wallet, the cop found a bag of suspected weed, so the cop tried to handcuff the 21-year-old. The stoner tried to resist arrest by stretching out on the steps of police headquarters. No surprise, his resistance was futile. It was probably the easiest marijuana bust in APD history — on the steps of police headquarters."
  ["tracker_field_contentWikiPage_raw"]=>
  string(25344) "Perhaps the "A" in Atlanta should stand for "animals." Living in this sizzling Southern mecca, some are prone to reverting back to their primal instincts — walking around naked, biting foes, launching poop. We humans can turn into beasts when faced with extreme doses of passion and paranoia. So in recognition of the city's drunken brutes, greedy wretches, and unhinged mobs, we present our annual ode to some of the most bizarre crimes that took place over the past year. Welcome to the Best of the Blotter: Atlanta's wild kingdom.

?
---
!!ATL characters and costumes


__DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE__: A bare-bottomed woman was booted from Underground Atlanta for lack of "proper garments" on her lower half. A cop spotted the cheeky 23-year-old lass as she strutted down the street, wearing only a shirt and shredded overalls tied around her waist. "From a distance, her buttock was clearly exposed," the cop noted. "As I approached her, she turned around and her genitals and pubic area were also clearly exposed." During the arrest, things got wacky. According to the police report, the woman "insisted that she was fully dressed" even after the cop pointed out her nude hindquarters. "Let me turn this off," the woman said. The cop heard a zapping noise and realized the woman had a Taser. "Drop it!" the cop ordered. The woman ditched her Taser.

?[[image-1]
At the Underground precinct, the cop asked the woman for her name. First, she uttered expletives. Then she claimed to be "Alice in Wonderland" and stated that she frequently uses several aliases: Carmichael, Cilleh, and Juanua. The woman repeatedly called the male cops "ma'am" and female cops "sir." Then she assumed a strange position on the precinct floor. "She was having conversations with herself while lying down on her back on the floor of the holding area with her legs up in the air," the cop wrote. She went to jail on public indecency charges.

__DUDE, IT'S NOT A CAPE__: Weeks before Halloween, a mostly naked 19-year-old man wrapped in a sheet tumbled out the window of his second-floor apartment. The man "had no shirt and his pants were pulled down around his ankles," the cop noted. Ragged window blinds were strewn around the area where he fell. The officer tried to figure out if the 19-year-old had been pushed or if he fell. His friends said they'd been drinking for hours and the 19-year-old was acting "funny." But the friends were hazy, too. "Neither could give accurate descriptions of what happened nor specifically describe what acting 'funny' meant," the cop noted. Everyone smelled of marijuana. Finally, the 19-year-old said no one pushed him or tossed him out the window — he just fell. Remarkably, the 19-year-old had no serious injuries from his two-story tumble. Yes. It's a sheet. And you cannot fly.

__HORROR HAMS__: A barefaced man in brown overalls and a guy wearing a ''Scream'' mask strolled into a restaurant in Downtown. The masked man pointed a gun at a 34-year-old female cashier and demanded the woman hand over her keys and cellphone. Terrified, the cashier slowly inched her way into a back room to retrieve her car keys and phone from her purse. Shaking, the cashier returned to the front counter, but the masked man and his overall-wearing accomplice were gone. Nothing was missing from the restaurant, and no one was hurt. Naturally, cops wanted to verify the cashier's bizarre story. Sure enough, after reviewing the restaurant's surveillance tape the cop "could clearly see the two individuals, the 'Scream' mask, and the gun." Apparently, it was a prank.

?
---
!!Surveillance shivers


__SNOWDEN WANNABE__: A woman clutching a motorcycle helmet and a video camera walked headlong into traffic on I-20. "She seemed very focused and oblivious to the interstate traffic," wrote the officer, who stopped to help her. "Don't touch me!" the woman yelled. "She told me I could drug-test her and she's looking for her memory card [[from the video camera]. She said what was on the memory card was more important than her life," the officer noted. "She started talking about people hacking into her grandmother or mother's computer and people following her around."

?[[image-2]
Police found her broken-down motorcycle on I-20 and moved it to a safer location. The woman, 41, was charged with walking on a highway.

At the police precinct, cops found large amounts of electrical equipment stuffed into pouches that were strapped around the woman's waist. Two more bags of electrical equipment were strapped to her motorcycle. During the search, the woman "started speaking into one of the little hand-held voice recorders, telling it what was happening to her now," the officer noted. When she lifted up her arms, cops saw small cuts on her stomach and chest. The names of three people had been carved into her left leg. Apparently, one name belonged to an ex-boyfriend. The woman kept saying her "family is under surveillance" and she must return to I-20 to search for her missing memory card. Police decided the best place for her was a psych ward.

__WATCH OUT__: "I'm waiting for the mayor and Channel 2 News. Where is my mother and why is everybody watching me? What the fuck?" screamed a high-strung man in Old Fourth Ward. He was hunkered down and refusing to leave a busy office building. A cop raced inside and found the man in the front lobby. The cop ordered the man to leave. "Fuck, man, for what?" the man said, yanking his hand from the cop's grasp.

The building's security chief told the cop that they "have video surveillance of the whole incident from when he ran into the security booth, and then ran by security into the building and started running up on employees." The cop arrested the wide-eyed man.

The man told the cops that he had taken methamphetamines. "I feel real fucked sir, and I can't breathe," the man said. "Oh shit a methamphetamine, I can't feel my face." The man, 30, hails from Sandy Springs.

?
---
!!Work quirks


?[[image-3]
__SHIPS AHOY__: In Buckhead, a 25-year-old Marietta man was outraged when he was fired from his job at a high-rise office tower. In his fury, the man allegedly stole a pirate flag from his co-worker's desk. The co-worker says he knows the Marietta man stole his flag because he saw it on the Marietta man's desk as he packed up his belongings. The co-worker said he called the Marietta man about his beloved missing pirate flag, but the Marietta man reportedly said the pirate flag doesn't belong to the co-worker and hung up. The co-worker called police and said the pirate flag is indeed his personal property — and he wants it back. The pirate flag is worth about $25.

__JOB SNOB__: "You think you are too good because you work in a chicken factory!" yelled one friend to another in Downtown Atlanta. A 43-year-old man said his screaming friend wanted to hang out with him, but the 43-year-old refused because he had to go to work the following morning. The 43-year-old said his friend hollered at him and then prepared to fight. The friend reportedly took a swing at the 43-year-old, dislocating his own arm. The 43-year-old leaned forward to block the punch and fell, hitting his head on a car.

__SALUTATION SMACKDOWN__: Three men work at a gas station on Roswell Road. One guy asked, "Are you having a good day or not?" The second guy replied, "I'm not having a good day." The third guy rushed up and yelled, "You are always having a bad day!" The second guy jumped out of his chair and punched the third guy in the face. The man who threw the punch took off before police arrived.

?
---
!!Furniture wars!


?[[image-4]
__STAND YOUR GROUND__: The finer points of interior design sparked a couple's late-night battle in Downtown. A 54-year-old man said he and his younger boyfriend were in bed when they got into a spat over "available overnight stands." According to the 54-year-old, his lover reached into his pocket and pulled out a knife. The 54-year-old grabbed his cellphone to call police and said his younger lover slapped the phone from his hands and then slapped him in the face. The 54-year-old said he left their home because he felt outnumbered — even though only two of them were there.

__NO SEX, NO SOFA__: A marital spat broke out at an East Atlanta home. The husband said his wife went into a furious rage one morning because she didn't want to have sex with him. The wife allegedly grabbed a kitchen knife and started stabbing the sofa. The husband said that as he tried to stop her, he grabbed the knife and sliced his hand. They called police. The husband and the wife blamed each other for his bloody hand and the mangled sofa.

?
---
!!Looney spirits roaming ATL


?[[image-5]
__JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL__: In Downtown, a 28-year-old man refused to leave the SkyView Atlanta Ferris wheel area on Luckie Street. "He said that he was there because GOD told him to do so as a daily journey and that a gravitational pull forced him in that direction," a cop noted. Medics examined the man and said there was nothing wrong with him. The cop gave the man a trespassing warning and told him not to return to SkyView, then offered him a ride home. Nope, the man said, he'd just walk.

An hour later, the man's gravitational pull was triggered again. He returned to SkyView and plopped down in a chair. The same cop returned and took the man to jail for trespassing.

?[[image-6]
__MISSIONARY MAN__: At Ansley Mall, a guy said a strange scruffy man was "preaching at him" outside a cafe about his supposed "sins and lifestyle." The guy said Preacher Man grabbed the chair he was sitting on and flipped it forward, dumping him to the ground. A cop searched Ansley Mall and eventually found Preacher Man outside a nearby sandwich shop. The cop asked him about the alleged incident. Preacher Man said the guy in the chair was "not a real man" but a "half-man." He explained the chair incident by saying he needed to get something from behind the chair the guy sat in but refused to vacate, so Preacher Man dragged the chair while the man was still sitting in it. Preacher Man said the force he used to move the guy's chair did not cause him to fall out — the man must have jumped out of his chair.

Preacher Man admitted to preaching earlier outside the mall. The cop charged the 39-year-old suspect with "acting in tumultuous and violent manner toward another." En route to jail, Preacher Man started "speaking in tongues" and "talking out loud to himself."

Also, the woman said she received a text message that read: "If I were you, I would follow these instructions: 'THE BLOOD IS OFF MY HANDS SAITH THE LORD.'"

?
---
!!Brave new world


__WAY OFF BASE__: At Turner Field, a father-son outing to a Braves game went horribly awry. The father and son were in a group of four guys who were busted for seat-hopping during the game. Three men cooperated with security and agreed to move back to their seats. However, the father went berserk. He stood up, threw his beer can onto the ground, and lunged toward a security guard while swinging his fist. "This is because of Obama!" the father yelled. "I am a Republican!" The father pushed a police officer into a stair railing and continued screaming obscene statements about Obama. The irate father flung his arms into the air and screamed as more police swarmed in.

Police carried the angry father down the stairs. The father, 52, was dragged, screaming profanities and resisting authorities, out of Turner Field. Now the father is banned from Braves games "indefinitely." His son was allowed to stay.

?
---
!!ATL celebrity fears


__GUCCI GALORE__: During an arrest, a 29-year-old revealed one of his fears: being locked up in the same jail cell with Atlanta rapper Gucci Mane. The 29-year-old recently moved to Atlanta from Illinois. "My baby mama is gonna kill me," he said as he was stopped at a Northside Drive roadblock. "It's not fair, my license is from out of town," he said,

"He flipped through his wallet, which from the outside appeared to be a Gucci wallet," the officer wrote.

The man, who reeked of booze, admitted he'd had a few drinks at a nightclub on Piedmont Avenue. Turns out, his Illinois driver's license expired in 2011. Also, the man's car is actually owned by his baby mama — the mother of his six children. The man said he's in big trouble because he doesn't have the money to get the family car out of impound.

The officer arrested him for suspected DUI and put him in a patrol car. The man "was not making sense" and kept repeating himself and focusing on his one massive fear, the officer noted. "While in the back of my patrol car [[the man] asked multiple times if he was going to be locked up with the Atlanta rapper Gucci Mane."

__DRAMA QUEEN__: A 36-year-old man said he was an ex-producer for a reality TV show about hot Atlanta singles. He claimed that weird things happened after he was fired from show. "[[The ex-producer] feels like the show may end up being a huge success and for the past six weeks, he has been receiving phone calls," a cop noted. "[[The ex-producer] stated that an unknown male has been calling him, asking for his name and Social Security number. ... Also, he feels like someone from the production has been stalking him at home and videotaping him at his house. [[The ex-producer] feels that his life is in jeopardy. He advised that no one has directly threatened him, but he fears for his safety." The ex-producer couldn't name any possible suspects from the Atlanta singles reality show.

?
---
!!Waste matters


?[[image-8]
__STINKY BROOM FIGHT__: In the Westside, a 31-year-old man said his baby mama came over to get her belongings from his home. Conveniently, he'd already put her stuff all over his front yard. Enraged, the baby mama grabbed a broom and clobbered the man's hand, leaving a bloody cut.

After the broom smackdown, the man allegedly retaliated by throwing a bucket full of paint and urine all over his baby mamma. (No explanation of why a bucket filled with paint ''and'' urine happened to be nearby.) The woman had paint in her hair, as well as on her arms and shirt. Plus, the tangy aroma of urine wafted from both the man and woman.

The officer arrested both the man and baby mama on battery charges and took the stinky pair to jail.

__SHIT STORM COMETH__: A woman parked her car outside her home in the Westside. Around 2 a.m., long after she went to sleep, the woman heard a loud noise followed by what sounded like young people laughing. The next morning, the woman looked outside and saw a "soiled commode" smashed into her car. The filthy toilet left severe damage to her car's roof and front windshield. Cops asked the woman for any possible suspects. She said she had no clue why anyone would smash her car with a toilet. The cop talked to the woman's neighbors and noted, "The next-door neighbor advised that the commode [[had] been laying on the pavement for days, but never got picked up."

?
---
!!Southern culture on the skids


__GONE WITH THE WIND__: A 32-year-old woman was urinating outside a bar in East Atlanta. A cop walked over for a chat. "During the conversation, [[the woman] said she'd had two alcoholic drinks and that she's a Southern girl who is accustomed to urinating wherever she pleases," the cop wrote. Then the woman spontaneously said, "Take me to jail!" The officer arrested her for public urination and put her in his patrol car. Apparently, she really does believe Southern girls can pee wherever they want. En route to jail, the cop noted that the woman "urinated in the back of the patrol car." The woman hails from Milan, Ga., a small town between Cordele and Vidalia. Population: fewer than 700.

__TRUCKER DELUXE__: A 22-year-old from Athens, Ga., posted an ad on Craigslist to sell his iPhone and received an offer from an unusual man. The 22-year-old agreed to meet the man outside a McDonald's on Northside Drive to complete the sale. The man had a silhouette of a naked woman shaved onto the side of his head. The 22-year-old told police, it's "the same kind of naked woman silhouette that is commonly seen on truck mud flaps."

Undeterred, the 22-year-old decided to go ahead with the deal. He handed over the iPhone and the man gave him a stack of 12 $50 bills and drove away. Moments later, the 22-year-old realized all 12 $50 bills were counterfeit and tried to chase the man. Alas, the man was long gone. Note: Never do business with anyone who has body illustrations "commonly seen on truck mud flaps."

__DECORUM DISCORD__: A Las Vegas man visiting Atlanta called police about the dress code at a Buckhead restaurant. The Vegas man said the restaurant manager asked him to remove his hat before dining at the restaurant, but he refused. The manager said it was a standing policy for all patrons to dine without hats and pointed to a decorum sign posted at the entrance. Outraged, the Las Vegas man called police. A cop dutifully went to the restaurant and wrote a report about the incident. The cop told the Las Vegas man that the hat matter is not a crime; the restaurant can require patrons to dine without hats. The cop said the Vegas man could pursue the hat spat by taking it up as a civil dispute in court.

__FEELING SAUCY__: A 55-year-old man drove a food delivery truck to a warehouse on Southside Industrial Parkway. Apparently, it was closed when he arrived, so the man decided to sleep overnight in his truck in the parking lot. As the man slept, someone cut the lock on his trailer and stole 73 cases of Vidalia Sauce. The man woke up in time to see the suspects driving away in a white Jeep.

?
---
!!Music madness


__DIRT ROAD ANTHEM__: A man called 911 because a bloody young man "wearing a flannel shirt and blue jeans" was in his backyard trying to open his back door. A cop found an 18-year-old Alpharetta man "standing by the rear door with what appeared to be blood on his face and shirt," the cop noted. The Alpharetta man said the last thing he remembered was arriving at a concert at Aaron's Amphitheatre at Lakewood (Jason Aldean and Florida Georgia Line performed that night). After that, everything was a blur.

"He had no idea where he was or whose house he was at," the cop noted. Apparently, after the show, the Alpharetta man hiked about two miles to get to the stranger's house. The cop searched the Alpharetta man and found four fake ID cards. The suspect said the fake IDs were for buying alcohol since he's only 18 years old. He went to jail, charged with prowling, trespassing, and false identification.

__ONE NIGHT CAN LAST FOREVER__: An Atlanta musician said he met a woman and had a "sexual encounter" with her that same night. The man alleges that, since then, the woman has harassed him with threats of blackmail and has called and texted him more than 40 times a day. The man said he's scared because the woman is a felon with an extensive criminal record. He says the woman even called a family member to track him down. The man said he is scared for "his life, and his guitars and other equipment."

__DANCE-HALL DAZE__: Trouble broke out on the dance floor of a local dance club. According to a security guard, a 22-year-old man "head-butted" a middle-aged Marietta man on the dance floor. Moments later, the middle-aged man staggered off the dance floor with his friends' help, bleeding from a large gash under his right eye.

The cop asked the man what triggered the head-butt. The middle-aged man said he was dancing with a lovely lady when the 22-year-old cut in front of him. The Marietta man politely asked him to get the heck out of his dance space, and the 22-year-old reared back and used his head as a weapon. The 22-year-old denied head-butting anyone, but security guards and dance-floor witnesses said otherwise. He went to jail for "striking another in the face with his head."

?
---
!!Cops do weird stuff


__SNOTTY SITUATION__: In the Westside, an undercover cop was working a vice operation when a 31-year-old woman approached him. "She asked me was I looking for a date and I said yes," the officer wrote. "She said it would cost $40 and I said that's cool." The woman opened the car door and hopped inside. The officer noted: "Once inside my vehicle, I asked her what can I do for $40 and [[she] said we can have sex, oral sex, but no anal sex. I asked her if she eats boogers during sex and she just looked at me and said no. I then asked her if it was OK for me to eat my boogers when I cum and she said that it was up to me." The woman allegedly agreed to $40 for oral sex and intercourse. The cop took the woman to jail for prostitution.

__SCRIBBLE RAGE__: Near Freedom Park, a white-bearded man in a checkered shirt was hurling garbage cans onto Ralph McGill Boulevard. The bearded man stomped from yard to yard while screaming violently as he grabbed trash cans and tossed them into the street. A neighbor shouted that he was going to call the police, and the white-bearded man ran toward Freedom Park.

A cop found the bearded man in the park, "dragging large fallen tree branches into the roadway and throwing large broken pieces of concrete curb in the roadway," the cop wrote. "He rambled something to me about how he was just trying to help."

?[[image-9]
The cop asked the man for his name. Apparently, the cop had forgotten his trusty note pad, so he scribbled the name on his hand. Outraged and stunned, the bearded man yelled, "That's what note pads are for!" The bearded man refused to talk or give any more biographical information since the officer didn't have a note pad to write on. Plus, the bearded man kicked the cop in the calf as he went to jail for disorderly conduct.

?
---
!!Dumb and dumber


__FAILED CITIZEN INVESTIGATOR OF THE YEAR__: In the West End, a 53-year-old woman was walking to a grocery store when she had an eerie experience. A flash of toes poking out from a pile of dirt caught her eye. Peering closer, the woman saw "an object resembling a baby foot in the dirt" that was freshly plowed outside a home. She proceeded to move toward the object, picked it up — ''ick!'' — and rushed to the grocery store. Frantic, the woman clutched the foot and called police.

"[[The woman] said she was very concerned because she thought a baby could have possibly been buried at the location," an officer wrote. Police and a medical examiner rushed to the scene and carefully examined the foot. The medical examiner "determined the object was a white porcelain baby foot, not human remains."

__FIANCÉE OF THE YEAR__: A 30-year-old man said he and his fiancée keep getting into arguments due to her hormone imbalance from the birth-control pills she is taking. In the latest spat, the man said his fiancée took things to a new extreme. The fiancée allegedly bit the man on his forearm, leaving a cut and a bunch of scratches. The man said his fiancée also smashed a bunch of stuff around their house.

?[[image-10]
Then the cop spoke with the fiancée — a 25-year-old woman — who confirmed that, (A) yes, she's taking birth control pills and, (B) yes, she's been acting differently since she started taking the pills. She admitted that she did go berserk earlier and bit her fiancé's arm due to her "uncontrollable hormones," the officer wrote. The woman went to jail and was charged with aggravated assault.

__STUPID THIEF OF THE YEAR__: In Ormewood Park, a Georgia Tech student said she left her apartment to go work out. When she returned, she tugged on her front door but the locks were severely damaged. She rushed to the back door and went inside. Her apartment had been ransacked. On a wall near the front door, someone scrawled this note complete with a smiley face: "James was here! ... I found you!"

Immediately, the woman called police. A cop looked around and asked if the woman knew anyone named James. She said no.

The woman said her "piggy bank dressed up as police" was smashed to pieces and $30 cash was stolen. Other missing items: two flat-screen TVs, a cable box, DVR, her guitar, her Georgia Tech book bag with wheels, 10 white towels, 10 pink towels, 10 green towels, toothpaste, tissue, and food from her refrigerator. Apparently, "James" not only robbed the wrong house, he also left behind blatant clues to his identity: The officer lifted five suspicious fingerprints from the front door, doorknobs, and the refrigerator.

__STUPID STONER OF THE YEAR__: In Downtown, a cop pulled up to police headquarters on Peachtree Street. In plain view, a stoned 21-year-old man was sitting on "the steps of police headquarters, where there are 'NO Sitting' and 'NO Trespassing' and 'NO Loitering' signs posted," the cop wrote. In his right hand, the man clutched a "blunt cigarillo" commonly used for smoking marijuana. "I smelled a strong odor of raw marijuana coming from his person," the cop noted.

Upon spotting the uniformed cop, the 21-year-old voluntarily began to empty out his pockets. The man "gave me his wallet and I felt a bulge in his wallet," the cop noted. Inside the man's wallet, the cop found a bag of suspected weed, so the cop tried to handcuff the 21-year-old. The stoner tried to resist arrest by stretching out on the steps of police headquarters. No surprise, his resistance was futile. It was probably the easiest marijuana bust in APD history — on the steps of police headquarters."
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  string(25434) "    The most bizarre crimes and police reports of the past year   2014-07-17T08:00:00+00:00 The Blotter: Best of the Blotter 2014   Lauren Keating 1306477 2014-07-17T08:00:00+00:00  Perhaps the "A" in Atlanta should stand for "animals." Living in this sizzling Southern mecca, some are prone to reverting back to their primal instincts — walking around naked, biting foes, launching poop. We humans can turn into beasts when faced with extreme doses of passion and paranoia. So in recognition of the city's drunken brutes, greedy wretches, and unhinged mobs, we present our annual ode to some of the most bizarre crimes that took place over the past year. Welcome to the Best of the Blotter: Atlanta's wild kingdom.

?
---
!!ATL characters and costumes


DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE: A bare-bottomed woman was booted from Underground Atlanta for lack of "proper garments" on her lower half. A cop spotted the cheeky 23-year-old lass as she strutted down the street, wearing only a shirt and shredded overalls tied around her waist. "From a distance, her buttock was clearly exposed," the cop noted. "As I approached her, she turned around and her genitals and pubic area were also clearly exposed." During the arrest, things got wacky. According to the police report, the woman "insisted that she was fully dressed" even after the cop pointed out her nude hindquarters. "Let me turn this off," the woman said. The cop heard a zapping noise and realized the woman had a Taser. "Drop it!" the cop ordered. The woman ditched her Taser.

?image-1
At the Underground precinct, the cop asked the woman for her name. First, she uttered expletives. Then she claimed to be "Alice in Wonderland" and stated that she frequently uses several aliases: Carmichael, Cilleh, and Juanua. The woman repeatedly called the male cops "ma'am" and female cops "sir." Then she assumed a strange position on the precinct floor. "She was having conversations with herself while lying down on her back on the floor of the holding area with her legs up in the air," the cop wrote. She went to jail on public indecency charges.

DUDE, IT'S NOT A CAPE: Weeks before Halloween, a mostly naked 19-year-old man wrapped in a sheet tumbled out the window of his second-floor apartment. The man "had no shirt and his pants were pulled down around his ankles," the cop noted. Ragged window blinds were strewn around the area where he fell. The officer tried to figure out if the 19-year-old had been pushed or if he fell. His friends said they'd been drinking for hours and the 19-year-old was acting "funny." But the friends were hazy, too. "Neither could give accurate descriptions of what happened nor specifically describe what acting 'funny' meant," the cop noted. Everyone smelled of marijuana. Finally, the 19-year-old said no one pushed him or tossed him out the window — he just fell. Remarkably, the 19-year-old had no serious injuries from his two-story tumble. Yes. It's a sheet. And you cannot fly.

HORROR HAMS: A barefaced man in brown overalls and a guy wearing a Scream mask strolled into a restaurant in Downtown. The masked man pointed a gun at a 34-year-old female cashier and demanded the woman hand over her keys and cellphone. Terrified, the cashier slowly inched her way into a back room to retrieve her car keys and phone from her purse. Shaking, the cashier returned to the front counter, but the masked man and his overall-wearing accomplice were gone. Nothing was missing from the restaurant, and no one was hurt. Naturally, cops wanted to verify the cashier's bizarre story. Sure enough, after reviewing the restaurant's surveillance tape the cop "could clearly see the two individuals, the 'Scream' mask, and the gun." Apparently, it was a prank.

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!!Surveillance shivers


SNOWDEN WANNABE: A woman clutching a motorcycle helmet and a video camera walked headlong into traffic on I-20. "She seemed very focused and oblivious to the interstate traffic," wrote the officer, who stopped to help her. "Don't touch me!" the woman yelled. "She told me I could drug-test her and she's looking for her memory card from the video camera. She said what was on the memory card was more important than her life," the officer noted. "She started talking about people hacking into her grandmother or mother's computer and people following her around."

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Police found her broken-down motorcycle on I-20 and moved it to a safer location. The woman, 41, was charged with walking on a highway.

At the police precinct, cops found large amounts of electrical equipment stuffed into pouches that were strapped around the woman's waist. Two more bags of electrical equipment were strapped to her motorcycle. During the search, the woman "started speaking into one of the little hand-held voice recorders, telling it what was happening to her now," the officer noted. When she lifted up her arms, cops saw small cuts on her stomach and chest. The names of three people had been carved into her left leg. Apparently, one name belonged to an ex-boyfriend. The woman kept saying her "family is under surveillance" and she must return to I-20 to search for her missing memory card. Police decided the best place for her was a psych ward.

WATCH OUT: "I'm waiting for the mayor and Channel 2 News. Where is my mother and why is everybody watching me? What the fuck?" screamed a high-strung man in Old Fourth Ward. He was hunkered down and refusing to leave a busy office building. A cop raced inside and found the man in the front lobby. The cop ordered the man to leave. "Fuck, man, for what?" the man said, yanking his hand from the cop's grasp.

The building's security chief told the cop that they "have video surveillance of the whole incident from when he ran into the security booth, and then ran by security into the building and started running up on employees." The cop arrested the wide-eyed man.

The man told the cops that he had taken methamphetamines. "I feel real fucked sir, and I can't breathe," the man said. "Oh shit a methamphetamine, I can't feel my face." The man, 30, hails from Sandy Springs.

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!!Work quirks


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SHIPS AHOY: In Buckhead, a 25-year-old Marietta man was outraged when he was fired from his job at a high-rise office tower. In his fury, the man allegedly stole a pirate flag from his co-worker's desk. The co-worker says he knows the Marietta man stole his flag because he saw it on the Marietta man's desk as he packed up his belongings. The co-worker said he called the Marietta man about his beloved missing pirate flag, but the Marietta man reportedly said the pirate flag doesn't belong to the co-worker and hung up. The co-worker called police and said the pirate flag is indeed his personal property — and he wants it back. The pirate flag is worth about $25.

JOB SNOB: "You think you are too good because you work in a chicken factory!" yelled one friend to another in Downtown Atlanta. A 43-year-old man said his screaming friend wanted to hang out with him, but the 43-year-old refused because he had to go to work the following morning. The 43-year-old said his friend hollered at him and then prepared to fight. The friend reportedly took a swing at the 43-year-old, dislocating his own arm. The 43-year-old leaned forward to block the punch and fell, hitting his head on a car.

SALUTATION SMACKDOWN: Three men work at a gas station on Roswell Road. One guy asked, "Are you having a good day or not?" The second guy replied, "I'm not having a good day." The third guy rushed up and yelled, "You are always having a bad day!" The second guy jumped out of his chair and punched the third guy in the face. The man who threw the punch took off before police arrived.

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!!Furniture wars!


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STAND YOUR GROUND: The finer points of interior design sparked a couple's late-night battle in Downtown. A 54-year-old man said he and his younger boyfriend were in bed when they got into a spat over "available overnight stands." According to the 54-year-old, his lover reached into his pocket and pulled out a knife. The 54-year-old grabbed his cellphone to call police and said his younger lover slapped the phone from his hands and then slapped him in the face. The 54-year-old said he left their home because he felt outnumbered — even though only two of them were there.

NO SEX, NO SOFA: A marital spat broke out at an East Atlanta home. The husband said his wife went into a furious rage one morning because she didn't want to have sex with him. The wife allegedly grabbed a kitchen knife and started stabbing the sofa. The husband said that as he tried to stop her, he grabbed the knife and sliced his hand. They called police. The husband and the wife blamed each other for his bloody hand and the mangled sofa.

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!!Looney spirits roaming ATL


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JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL: In Downtown, a 28-year-old man refused to leave the SkyView Atlanta Ferris wheel area on Luckie Street. "He said that he was there because GOD told him to do so as a daily journey and that a gravitational pull forced him in that direction," a cop noted. Medics examined the man and said there was nothing wrong with him. The cop gave the man a trespassing warning and told him not to return to SkyView, then offered him a ride home. Nope, the man said, he'd just walk.

An hour later, the man's gravitational pull was triggered again. He returned to SkyView and plopped down in a chair. The same cop returned and took the man to jail for trespassing.

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MISSIONARY MAN: At Ansley Mall, a guy said a strange scruffy man was "preaching at him" outside a cafe about his supposed "sins and lifestyle." The guy said Preacher Man grabbed the chair he was sitting on and flipped it forward, dumping him to the ground. A cop searched Ansley Mall and eventually found Preacher Man outside a nearby sandwich shop. The cop asked him about the alleged incident. Preacher Man said the guy in the chair was "not a real man" but a "half-man." He explained the chair incident by saying he needed to get something from behind the chair the guy sat in but refused to vacate, so Preacher Man dragged the chair while the man was still sitting in it. Preacher Man said the force he used to move the guy's chair did not cause him to fall out — the man must have jumped out of his chair.

Preacher Man admitted to preaching earlier outside the mall. The cop charged the 39-year-old suspect with "acting in tumultuous and violent manner toward another." En route to jail, Preacher Man started "speaking in tongues" and "talking out loud to himself."

Also, the woman said she received a text message that read: "If I were you, I would follow these instructions: 'THE BLOOD IS OFF MY HANDS SAITH THE LORD.'"

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!!Brave new world


WAY OFF BASE: At Turner Field, a father-son outing to a Braves game went horribly awry. The father and son were in a group of four guys who were busted for seat-hopping during the game. Three men cooperated with security and agreed to move back to their seats. However, the father went berserk. He stood up, threw his beer can onto the ground, and lunged toward a security guard while swinging his fist. "This is because of Obama!" the father yelled. "I am a Republican!" The father pushed a police officer into a stair railing and continued screaming obscene statements about Obama. The irate father flung his arms into the air and screamed as more police swarmed in.

Police carried the angry father down the stairs. The father, 52, was dragged, screaming profanities and resisting authorities, out of Turner Field. Now the father is banned from Braves games "indefinitely." His son was allowed to stay.

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!!ATL celebrity fears


GUCCI GALORE: During an arrest, a 29-year-old revealed one of his fears: being locked up in the same jail cell with Atlanta rapper Gucci Mane. The 29-year-old recently moved to Atlanta from Illinois. "My baby mama is gonna kill me," he said as he was stopped at a Northside Drive roadblock. "It's not fair, my license is from out of town," he said,

"He flipped through his wallet, which from the outside appeared to be a Gucci wallet," the officer wrote.

The man, who reeked of booze, admitted he'd had a few drinks at a nightclub on Piedmont Avenue. Turns out, his Illinois driver's license expired in 2011. Also, the man's car is actually owned by his baby mama — the mother of his six children. The man said he's in big trouble because he doesn't have the money to get the family car out of impound.

The officer arrested him for suspected DUI and put him in a patrol car. The man "was not making sense" and kept repeating himself and focusing on his one massive fear, the officer noted. "While in the back of my patrol car the man asked multiple times if he was going to be locked up with the Atlanta rapper Gucci Mane."

DRAMA QUEEN: A 36-year-old man said he was an ex-producer for a reality TV show about hot Atlanta singles. He claimed that weird things happened after he was fired from show. "The ex-producer feels like the show may end up being a huge success and for the past six weeks, he has been receiving phone calls," a cop noted. "The ex-producer stated that an unknown male has been calling him, asking for his name and Social Security number. ... Also, he feels like someone from the production has been stalking him at home and videotaping him at his house. The ex-producer feels that his life is in jeopardy. He advised that no one has directly threatened him, but he fears for his safety." The ex-producer couldn't name any possible suspects from the Atlanta singles reality show.

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!!Waste matters


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STINKY BROOM FIGHT: In the Westside, a 31-year-old man said his baby mama came over to get her belongings from his home. Conveniently, he'd already put her stuff all over his front yard. Enraged, the baby mama grabbed a broom and clobbered the man's hand, leaving a bloody cut.

After the broom smackdown, the man allegedly retaliated by throwing a bucket full of paint and urine all over his baby mamma. (No explanation of why a bucket filled with paint and urine happened to be nearby.) The woman had paint in her hair, as well as on her arms and shirt. Plus, the tangy aroma of urine wafted from both the man and woman.

The officer arrested both the man and baby mama on battery charges and took the stinky pair to jail.

SHIT STORM COMETH: A woman parked her car outside her home in the Westside. Around 2 a.m., long after she went to sleep, the woman heard a loud noise followed by what sounded like young people laughing. The next morning, the woman looked outside and saw a "soiled commode" smashed into her car. The filthy toilet left severe damage to her car's roof and front windshield. Cops asked the woman for any possible suspects. She said she had no clue why anyone would smash her car with a toilet. The cop talked to the woman's neighbors and noted, "The next-door neighbor advised that the commode had been laying on the pavement for days, but never got picked up."

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!!Southern culture on the skids


GONE WITH THE WIND: A 32-year-old woman was urinating outside a bar in East Atlanta. A cop walked over for a chat. "During the conversation, the woman said she'd had two alcoholic drinks and that she's a Southern girl who is accustomed to urinating wherever she pleases," the cop wrote. Then the woman spontaneously said, "Take me to jail!" The officer arrested her for public urination and put her in his patrol car. Apparently, she really does believe Southern girls can pee wherever they want. En route to jail, the cop noted that the woman "urinated in the back of the patrol car." The woman hails from Milan, Ga., a small town between Cordele and Vidalia. Population: fewer than 700.

TRUCKER DELUXE: A 22-year-old from Athens, Ga., posted an ad on Craigslist to sell his iPhone and received an offer from an unusual man. The 22-year-old agreed to meet the man outside a McDonald's on Northside Drive to complete the sale. The man had a silhouette of a naked woman shaved onto the side of his head. The 22-year-old told police, it's "the same kind of naked woman silhouette that is commonly seen on truck mud flaps."

Undeterred, the 22-year-old decided to go ahead with the deal. He handed over the iPhone and the man gave him a stack of 12 $50 bills and drove away. Moments later, the 22-year-old realized all 12 $50 bills were counterfeit and tried to chase the man. Alas, the man was long gone. Note: Never do business with anyone who has body illustrations "commonly seen on truck mud flaps."

DECORUM DISCORD: A Las Vegas man visiting Atlanta called police about the dress code at a Buckhead restaurant. The Vegas man said the restaurant manager asked him to remove his hat before dining at the restaurant, but he refused. The manager said it was a standing policy for all patrons to dine without hats and pointed to a decorum sign posted at the entrance. Outraged, the Las Vegas man called police. A cop dutifully went to the restaurant and wrote a report about the incident. The cop told the Las Vegas man that the hat matter is not a crime; the restaurant can require patrons to dine without hats. The cop said the Vegas man could pursue the hat spat by taking it up as a civil dispute in court.

FEELING SAUCY: A 55-year-old man drove a food delivery truck to a warehouse on Southside Industrial Parkway. Apparently, it was closed when he arrived, so the man decided to sleep overnight in his truck in the parking lot. As the man slept, someone cut the lock on his trailer and stole 73 cases of Vidalia Sauce. The man woke up in time to see the suspects driving away in a white Jeep.

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!!Music madness


DIRT ROAD ANTHEM: A man called 911 because a bloody young man "wearing a flannel shirt and blue jeans" was in his backyard trying to open his back door. A cop found an 18-year-old Alpharetta man "standing by the rear door with what appeared to be blood on his face and shirt," the cop noted. The Alpharetta man said the last thing he remembered was arriving at a concert at Aaron's Amphitheatre at Lakewood (Jason Aldean and Florida Georgia Line performed that night). After that, everything was a blur.

"He had no idea where he was or whose house he was at," the cop noted. Apparently, after the show, the Alpharetta man hiked about two miles to get to the stranger's house. The cop searched the Alpharetta man and found four fake ID cards. The suspect said the fake IDs were for buying alcohol since he's only 18 years old. He went to jail, charged with prowling, trespassing, and false identification.

ONE NIGHT CAN LAST FOREVER: An Atlanta musician said he met a woman and had a "sexual encounter" with her that same night. The man alleges that, since then, the woman has harassed him with threats of blackmail and has called and texted him more than 40 times a day. The man said he's scared because the woman is a felon with an extensive criminal record. He says the woman even called a family member to track him down. The man said he is scared for "his life, and his guitars and other equipment."

DANCE-HALL DAZE: Trouble broke out on the dance floor of a local dance club. According to a security guard, a 22-year-old man "head-butted" a middle-aged Marietta man on the dance floor. Moments later, the middle-aged man staggered off the dance floor with his friends' help, bleeding from a large gash under his right eye.

The cop asked the man what triggered the head-butt. The middle-aged man said he was dancing with a lovely lady when the 22-year-old cut in front of him. The Marietta man politely asked him to get the heck out of his dance space, and the 22-year-old reared back and used his head as a weapon. The 22-year-old denied head-butting anyone, but security guards and dance-floor witnesses said otherwise. He went to jail for "striking another in the face with his head."

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!!Cops do weird stuff


SNOTTY SITUATION: In the Westside, an undercover cop was working a vice operation when a 31-year-old woman approached him. "She asked me was I looking for a date and I said yes," the officer wrote. "She said it would cost $40 and I said that's cool." The woman opened the car door and hopped inside. The officer noted: "Once inside my vehicle, I asked her what can I do for $40 and she said we can have sex, oral sex, but no anal sex. I asked her if she eats boogers during sex and she just looked at me and said no. I then asked her if it was OK for me to eat my boogers when I cum and she said that it was up to me." The woman allegedly agreed to $40 for oral sex and intercourse. The cop took the woman to jail for prostitution.

SCRIBBLE RAGE: Near Freedom Park, a white-bearded man in a checkered shirt was hurling garbage cans onto Ralph McGill Boulevard. The bearded man stomped from yard to yard while screaming violently as he grabbed trash cans and tossed them into the street. A neighbor shouted that he was going to call the police, and the white-bearded man ran toward Freedom Park.

A cop found the bearded man in the park, "dragging large fallen tree branches into the roadway and throwing large broken pieces of concrete curb in the roadway," the cop wrote. "He rambled something to me about how he was just trying to help."

?image-9
The cop asked the man for his name. Apparently, the cop had forgotten his trusty note pad, so he scribbled the name on his hand. Outraged and stunned, the bearded man yelled, "That's what note pads are for!" The bearded man refused to talk or give any more biographical information since the officer didn't have a note pad to write on. Plus, the bearded man kicked the cop in the calf as he went to jail for disorderly conduct.

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!!Dumb and dumber


FAILED CITIZEN INVESTIGATOR OF THE YEAR: In the West End, a 53-year-old woman was walking to a grocery store when she had an eerie experience. A flash of toes poking out from a pile of dirt caught her eye. Peering closer, the woman saw "an object resembling a baby foot in the dirt" that was freshly plowed outside a home. She proceeded to move toward the object, picked it up — ick! — and rushed to the grocery store. Frantic, the woman clutched the foot and called police.

"The woman said she was very concerned because she thought a baby could have possibly been buried at the location," an officer wrote. Police and a medical examiner rushed to the scene and carefully examined the foot. The medical examiner "determined the object was a white porcelain baby foot, not human remains."

FIANCÉE OF THE YEAR: A 30-year-old man said he and his fiancée keep getting into arguments due to her hormone imbalance from the birth-control pills she is taking. In the latest spat, the man said his fiancée took things to a new extreme. The fiancée allegedly bit the man on his forearm, leaving a cut and a bunch of scratches. The man said his fiancée also smashed a bunch of stuff around their house.

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Then the cop spoke with the fiancée — a 25-year-old woman — who confirmed that, (A) yes, she's taking birth control pills and, (B) yes, she's been acting differently since she started taking the pills. She admitted that she did go berserk earlier and bit her fiancé's arm due to her "uncontrollable hormones," the officer wrote. The woman went to jail and was charged with aggravated assault.

STUPID THIEF OF THE YEAR: In Ormewood Park, a Georgia Tech student said she left her apartment to go work out. When she returned, she tugged on her front door but the locks were severely damaged. She rushed to the back door and went inside. Her apartment had been ransacked. On a wall near the front door, someone scrawled this note complete with a smiley face: "James was here! ... I found you!"

Immediately, the woman called police. A cop looked around and asked if the woman knew anyone named James. She said no.

The woman said her "piggy bank dressed up as police" was smashed to pieces and $30 cash was stolen. Other missing items: two flat-screen TVs, a cable box, DVR, her guitar, her Georgia Tech book bag with wheels, 10 white towels, 10 pink towels, 10 green towels, toothpaste, tissue, and food from her refrigerator. Apparently, "James" not only robbed the wrong house, he also left behind blatant clues to his identity: The officer lifted five suspicious fingerprints from the front door, doorknobs, and the refrigerator.

STUPID STONER OF THE YEAR: In Downtown, a cop pulled up to police headquarters on Peachtree Street. In plain view, a stoned 21-year-old man was sitting on "the steps of police headquarters, where there are 'NO Sitting' and 'NO Trespassing' and 'NO Loitering' signs posted," the cop wrote. In his right hand, the man clutched a "blunt cigarillo" commonly used for smoking marijuana. "I smelled a strong odor of raw marijuana coming from his person," the cop noted.

Upon spotting the uniformed cop, the 21-year-old voluntarily began to empty out his pockets. The man "gave me his wallet and I felt a bulge in his wallet," the cop noted. Inside the man's wallet, the cop found a bag of suspected weed, so the cop tried to handcuff the 21-year-old. The stoner tried to resist arrest by stretching out on the steps of police headquarters. No surprise, his resistance was futile. It was probably the easiest marijuana bust in APD history — on the steps of police headquarters.             13079010 11644957                          The Blotter: Best of the Blotter 2014 "
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  ["tracker_field_description"]=>
  string(128) "From nude dudes to fiery-tempered ladies and out-of-control celebs, there was no shortage of bizarre crimes in Atlanta this year"
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  string(128) "From nude dudes to fiery-tempered ladies and out-of-control celebs, there was no shortage of bizarre crimes in Atlanta this year"
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  string(26341) "People love to tell me their favorite Blotter stories: It amuses me how much pride people have when their friends make it into the column: "Remember the one about the drunk lady wearing a trash bag and a purse on her head who tried to steal her boyfriend's pet squirrel? That was my friend!" Or, "Remember the guy nicknamed 'Meat' who air-humped an officer's patrol car on his wife's birthday? That's my friend!" And it's always a "friend." Sometimes I bet they really mean "That was me in the Blotter!" But they don't want to admit it. And that's OK.

It's important to remember that the people who appear in the Blotter are not necessarily guilty — that's for a judge and jury to decide. I just hone in on the wackier times when Atlantans are busted by our brave guys and gals in the Atlanta Police Department.

Here are some of my favorite Blotter moments from the past year. Enjoy!

— The Blotter Diva

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---
!!Mind-altering mishaps


SLIPPERY WHEN WET: A woman "with a beer can in her hand, nude from the waist down, was performing a sexual act on a City of Atlanta fire hydrant," an officer noted.

It gets worse. Much worse. The woman was fornicating with the fire hydrant across the street from her 80-year-old mother's home in Cascade Heights. And Mom was looking out the window, watching the whole thing go down. An officer approached the woman. "Upon seeing me, she threw the beer can down and started to walk away, but was hindered by her pants being around her ankles," the officer wrote. "I placed her in custody and helped her pull her pants up, and get them fastened around her waist with her belt." The woman was very drunk. Mom said her daughter has a crack-cocaine problem and always gets high, and then causes problems outside her home. (The mother has custody of the woman's four kids, ages 8 to 18, who were home at the time.) The woman, 44, was jailed on charges of public indecency, public drunkenness, and littering (the beer can).

NAKED BUS: A naked man was running around Buckhead Village after midnight. Several officers tried to corral the nude dude, but he "would not get out of the roadway and attempted to grab a MARTA bus," an officer wrote. The man was also cursing, talking to himself, and "would not put his clothing on." If that wasn't enough, he also was shaking his moneymaker at the women walking by. Finally, the man confessed that, yep, he'd dropped acid earlier. Quickly, police called for medics to examine him. Our tripping man told a female medic, "Let's just go home and have an orgy, you know where it is." Minutes later he yelled, "Turn the fucking music up, let's have a party!" Despite that creative suggestion, he was taken to jail instead. The psychedelic sex machine, 20, is from Acworth.

FLYING HIGH: A smooth-talker with a marijuana joint tucked into his sock tried to go through security at Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport. When a police officer asked the man if the joint belonged to him, the man explained that he needs marijuana because he has ADD. "I asked him if he had a prescription for the suspected marijuana — he said he did not," the officer noted. As the officer started to arrest him, the man played the sympathy card and told the cop he was headed to a funeral in Houston. When that didn't work, he played the prestige card. According to the police report, the man said he had a "$50 million dollar contract with Delta as CEO of his own company" and flashed a Delta contractor ID badge and an airport personnel badge. No one was impressed. Airport workers confiscated the badges and the man went to jail.

STAR WARS REDUX: "I want to fight you — you, Jabba the Slut!" a drunk man yelled as he staggered into a Metropolitan Avenue store. (He made this alleged threat to two female employees.) The 40-year-old man then tore off his shirt and refused to leave. A male clerk stepped up to defend the ladies and grabbed shirtless drunk guy and threw him to the ground. The suspect "swung a couple of times, but missed due to being heavily intoxicated," an officer wrote.

DUD BUDDY: Near Grant Park, a grandmother "grabbed me by the hand and led me to her backyard, where she showed me three marijuana plants growing out of plastic buckets," an officer wrote. She said they belonged to her 18-year-old grandson who lives with her.

About five minutes later, the grandson returned to the home and said he recently bought a car from a guy who offered him the three marijuana plants. The grandson said the guy told him they are male plants and therefore won't produce marijuana. So the grandson accepted the plants and put them in the backyard.

?image-1?
One clue deflated the grandson's story: According to the police report, the officer spotted "a digital scale in plain view in the living room." The grandson went to jail — over impotent marijuana plants that can't get anyone high. Cannabis lesson: Male marijuana plants do not produce any usable buds. Many growers get rid of male marijuana plants before they flower because they pollinate female marijuana plants. No, the Blotter Diva did not know this beforehand. She Googled it.

HEART OF GLASS: A rowdy Tennessee woman fell through the front window of an East Atlanta bar — and she didn't leave after she took her mighty plunge. She was still there drinking when police arrived. When an officer asked her about the oopsie, she denied falling through the glass, and just kept saying she "loves Atlanta and just wants to have fun," an officer wrote. The woman was charged with disorderly conduct. The bar was charged $1,300 to replace the broken window.

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!!Consumer culture


SHOPPER'S OVERLOAD: Outside Lenox Square mall, a disheveled man with "some whitish froth around his mouth" staggered through the parking lot and startled a cop sitting in his patrol car. The man was "yelling something and pointing at my police car," the cop wrote. "I could not understand what he was saying." A female officer on patrol said she clearly heard the man screaming, "Fuck the police." According to the police report, the man was "screaming at random people in the parking lot, using the 'f' word often." Together, the two cops detained the man. "He was putting his cigarette out on his wrist, burning his wrist," the male cop wrote. "He kept screaming two words: 'Metallica' and 'Heavy Metal.'" (OK, Mr. Officer, that's three words.) Cops arrested the man and put him in the patrol car. He kept screaming "Metallica" and "Heavy Metal" all the way to jail.

SOLE SEARCHING: A mother said her 28-year-old daughter stole all of her right shoes, but none of her left shoes. The mother said she's been staying at her daughter's home in the West End, but she suddenly had to go to South Carolina for medical reasons. The mother said that while she was gone, her daughter swiped her right shoes — and loads of other stuff, including: 25 bottles of perfume, her king-size bed, her 1986 Buick Regal, and her two dogs (a poodle and a shar-pei).

TOURIST TRAP: A Florida man was driving his wife and three kids to a family reunion and they decided to stop in Atlanta to see the sights. So what was the family's first stop? The Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial? Nope. The Carter Center? Not even close. Auburn Avenue, the Margaret Mitchell House, or even Piedmont Park? No, no, and no.

First stop: IKEA. After some family time perusing Scandinavian furniture, they headed to a Braves game. Outside Turner Field, the man looked in the car's trunk and realized all his family's stuff had been stolen, including suitcases filled with 10 swimsuits, 11 pairs of sandals, 240 music CDs, and two video cameras.

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!!Twisted love stories


GOODWILL HUNTING: A 31-year-old Buckhead man bought a diamond engagement ring for his girlfriend, but said he didn't propose right away because he was waiting for the right moment. For about a month, he hid the engagement ring inside a coat pocket. Apparently, it's an old coat he doesn't wear very often. One day, his girlfriend went on a cleaning spree and took his old coat to Goodwill. Freaked out, the man raced to the thrift store to look for the coat with the hidden prize. No luck. The coat was long gone. The princess-cut diamond ring is worth about $3,200. (The Blotter diva wonders: Did he still want to marry her?)

HONEY, FISH OR CUT BAIT: As her ex-boyfriend slept in her Peoplestown apartment, a 23-year-old woman called police and explained that about an hour prior, she and her boyfriend got into a fight. See, he lost $140 whilst gambling and felt this entitled him to a freshly prepared — by her — fish sandwich. The woman said while she was cooking the fish sandwich, her ex went through her cell phone, found some things he didn't like, and confronted her. She told police that after she gave him his sandwich, he alledgedly hit her with a sandal and punched her. Apparently, the cops showed up and detained the ex-boyfriend "while he was asleep."

TCHOTCHKE WARS: Snow globes were flying during a marital spat in Kirkwood. The wife, 39, said her husband grabbed a snow globe and hurled it at her chest. She retaliated by throwing "a souvenir from another country" at him. The husband grabbed another snow globe and hurled it at a window. The couple wrestled and the wife said she scratched and tried to bite her husband. Then, she said, her husband grabbed a rubber rain boot and threatened to throw it at her. So she called police. Officers visited the couple's Kirkwood home and determined everyone was OK. No injuries, no arrests.

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CAVEMAN OF THE YEAR: "I expect three things from my woman: fuck me, feed me, and clean my house," a man recently told police outside his Fisher Road home. (Sounds like a keeper!) Cops had just arrived in response to a call about a possible domestic squabble. The man said he and his girlfriend got into a fight because she refused to cook him dinner. The man said he smacked his girlfriend's mouth and she slapped his face. Then he took all of the girlfriend's belongings from their apartment and tossed them on the ground outside. The officer decided the boyfriend had caused enough trouble, so they handcuffed him and took him to jail.

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!!Art unleashed


ART BRUT: Vandals hit the High Museum of Art, targeting Roy Lichtenstein's "House III." A security guard said the Lichtenstein was spray-painted with red paint between the hours of 5 and 8 a.m. The officer noted, "I did observe red paint on the yellow wall portion of the house." No suspects.

STAGED FRIGHT: An officer responded to a call about "suspicious activity" on Adina Drive in the Lindbergh area. Four men dressed entirely in black "jumped out of a white delivery-type truck in a parking lot ... they were carrying two pistols and a long shotgun, approaching a red SUV ... with their weapons drawn and then returning back to the white truck," the officer wrote. Both the officer and a man who lived nearby witnessed the startling incident. The officer called for backup and took on the suspects. "As I approached, I drew my service weapon for what appeared to be a robbery."

Turns out, it was all movie magic. The four men in the white truck "had a camera, and said they were filming a movie," the officer wrote. Still, the officer did his homework in case this "movie" thing was a possible ruse: "The weapons were checked and were fake." He also ran a background check on the actors and they were not wanted.

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!!Work-a-day woes


STRIPPER SMACKDOWN: At around 3:30 a.m., two dancers tussled at a strip club on Cheshire Bridge Road. When an officer arrived, a stripper with a shiner explained that while she was on stage, another dancer — who wasn't even working that night — yelled, "It's my club, bitch," from the crowd and attempted to yank her off the catwalk. The rowdy woman was bounced by security, but she wasn't done marking her territory. The stripper with the black eye said after her shift ended, she went outside to call a ride and the other dancer jumped out of a silver convertible and punched her in the face. The two strippers pulled each other's hair until a security guard separated them.

Apparently, the vixens used to be friends when they worked together at a different gentlemen's club on Buford Highway. Now they hate each other (over a shared boyfriend). Both dancers got tickets for brawling. Club management said the off-duty dancer was fired immediately and would not be allowed back to shake her booty under any circumstances.

GRAVE SITUATION: A man called police and said he'd hit a dog with his hearse during a funeral procession near Oakland Cemetery. The dog was totally fine — all its paws/body were in working order and it only had one bruise — but the man really needed a police report because he had to use his hearse again that weekend. The man didn't have his license plate number on hand because he'd already taken the hearse to a repair shop. So an officer met the man at the shop, but "was unable to see any damages" because the hearse was already fixed. The officer filed a police report, noting that he never actually saw any damage to the hearse.

EXIT WITH FLOURISH: A problem janitor went wacko at a recreation center next to Oakland Cemetery. Apparently, she was in a storage room talking on the phone about blowing up the recreation center. A 43-year-old male employee overheard her threatening conversation as he left the restroom. The man headed back to his office and the janitor followed, cursing him along the way.

The janitor was booted from the rec center but returned moments later and threatened to get people to rob the male employee. Again, the supervisor escorted her out.

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For a third time, the janitor returned and said she didn't care if she lost her job because she and her people were coming to get him. The janitor took off before police arrived. The cop asked: Why does the janitor hate this guy so much? No one had any real answers. According to the supervisor, the now ex-janitor has trouble with "constructive criticism."

DOUBLE-DUPING: A furniture-store owner received a call from an interior designer who ordered two fancy couches for a client (a gray leather sofa and a cream leather sofa, worth more than $5,000). The interior designer gave a credit card number and asked for the couches to be delivered to a storage space in Decatur. So the store owner loaded up the couches in his truck and sent his driver toward Decatur. Moments later, he got a call: change of plans. Now the interior designer wanted the delivery truck to meet a mystery truck and exchange the leather sofas behind Decatur's Courthouse Square.

The store owner had a "feeling something wasn't right," the officer wrote. He asked to speak to the mystery truck's driver, whose voice sounded familiar, but he couldn't quite place it. So he went ahead and agreed to deliver the couches to the mystery truck behind Courthouse Square. Hours later — voila! — the furniture store owner finally remembered: He testified against the mystery truck driver about five years ago for check fraud against his store. Now the mystery truck driver had scammed him again.

DESIGN DIFFERENCES: Two construction workers were bickering on the ninth floor of a building-to-be on Northside Parkway. The co-workers could not agree on what type of flooring to install. The argument became heated and one construction worker pulled out a box cutter and stabbed the co-worker's stomach. (Apparently, it was a very light stabbing, as far as stabbings go.) There was no blood on the ninth floor and the injured construction worker had "pinched the wound" closed, according to the police report. The construction worker with the box cutter was long gone when police arrived. No word on what type of flooring eventually was installed.

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!!Shades of delusion


FANTASYLAND FREAK-OUT: A woman called police and said her Ansley Park apartment was being robbed. An officer raced over. The woman greeted him by explaining that "John F. Kennedy was her father and Diane Sawyer was her mother," the officer noted. The woman said Tom Cruise had been hanging out at her apartment when the so-called robbery took place. The woman wanted the CIA and the Secret Service to help her. Plus, the woman said she has diabetes and she wants medics to make sure she's "alive" by checking her pulse and sugar level.

The officer looked around her apartment. "I noticed that the 28-year-old woman had the heat on 90 degrees and she was sitting on the floor with sunglasses in a dark apartment," the officer wrote. Nothing was stolen and there were no signs of forced entry. Medics arrived and checked her out — the woman didn't even have a scratch on her. They took her to a psych ward.

OFF THE DEEP END: A mother forced her three kids to swim in the pool outside the Carter Center. (It's a decorative pool with fountains — not a swimming pool.) "She seemed very demented and started to yell and act very strange and combative," noted a security guard. The security guard decided to call 911. A cop arrived and found the mother, who was "wearing a purple-colored short dress only. No undergarments (half nude)," the cop noted. "In a very deep voice, she began yelling at the children." The mother boomed, "The devils are here, don't talk to them."

The officer spoke with the kids: an 11-year-old girl, and two boys, 9 and 7. They said their mother forced them to swim laps in the pool — fully clothed.

The cop arrested the mother and retrieved dry clothes for the kids from her car. Then the cop tracked down the kids' dad in Loganville. The father came and got them, vowing to put an end to mommy's visits until she gets it together. Mom, 29, went to jail.

DOWN IN DUMPS: A man known for "taking his feces out of his colostomy bag and smearing/throwing it on police officers" got in trouble outside his mother's home on Ira Street. The mother said her 44-year-old son wandered into her house while she was getting ready for church and she told him to leave. The son was hungry, so she told him wait outside and she'd get him some food. Apparently, patience isn't his thing. The mom said her son pushed her into the kitchen and threatened her. The son "wasn't wearing his colostomy bag and his feces were spilling out all over the living room and kitchen floor," an officer wrote. "He went to the fridge, stuck his hands in the ice cream and began eating it." After snacking, the shit-spilling man got into a fight with his younger brother, a 41-year-old man who still lives at home with mom. No one was hurt during the family brouhaha. An officer spoke with the man, who "seemed clueless about the situation and sat on the stairs eating ice cream." Poopie-man went to jail on a battery charge.

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!!Fornication blues


PROTESTING THE MAN: A 34-year-old woman walked up to an officer in Buckhead with a bizarre fake story about how she was sexually assaulted in a park. The officer asked: Which park? The woman replied, "Where the protesters are." (A crowded Occupy Atlanta protest was taking place in Woodruff Park.) Seconds later, the woman admitted freely that the sex was totally consensual. She said she met a cute protester and agreed to have sex in exchange for a pair of shoes from Walmart. Apparently, the man bought her dinner and took her to a Buckhead hotel. After some lust and thrust, the guy was supposed to drive her back to Woodruff Park, but she said he refused to drive her anywhere. The woman said she needed the police because she didn't know how to get back to Woodruff Park and "didn't want to walk the 13 miles" from Buckhead. The woman wasn't hurt at all, so the officer gave her some water and food, and then drove her back to Woodruff Park.

INTIMATE REVELATIONS: A 31-year-old woman returned home to a disturbing sight: Her boyfriend/baby daddy was having sex with her own mother! In the woman's bedroom! Naturally, the woman grabbed a green baseball bat and whacked her mother/boyfriend-stealer on the head. (Mother and daughter live together in the same Hammond Park apartment.) The woman's boyfriend/baby daddy ran out of there faster than Usain Bolt. The mother, 57, had a bloody cut and bruises, but her injuries are not serious. The 31-year-old woman was long gone when police arrived — probably chasing down her boyfriend with that green baseball bat.

LOVERBOY CLASH: One evening in Inman Park, a 29-year-old man crawled under the covers next to his boyfriend "to initiate sexual activity." Apparently, his lover wasn't in the mood. "Get the fuck away from me, bitch!" the lover hollered. Finally, the lover pushed him into a wall. The man said he "understood the refusal" and locked himself in his room. Then he heard his lover knocking furniture around, so he called police. The man claimed that his lover was talking about getting a knife. When police arrived, the lover was screaming, but he quickly became apologetic. Neither man was physically hurt. Cops took the lover to jail on a disorderly conduct charge.

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!!Armed with Stupidity


GUN SNUGGLE: A man was sleeping in his bedroom when he heard a "loud boom." Waking up, he realized he had shot himself in his left hand. Every night, he sleeps with his Ruger pistol under his pillow. Bleeding, the man asked a neighbor to drive him to Grady Memorial Hospital. The man's hand injury wasn't life-threatening. Wounded pride? That's another story. The 35-year-old man lives alone in the West End. At the hospital, he told cops that he left the gun at home, tucked under his pillow.

FINAL BATTLE PREPS: An officer found an elaborate weapon hidden in an abandoned building on 17th Street at Atlantic Station. The fancy rifle had lots of decorations but it was entirely fake. The faux-rifle was unable to fire a single shot. Police described it as "a wooden rifle stock attached with PVC piping covered in black electrical tape and black ripped shirts taped around it — to make it look like a real rifle." Atlanta police notified Homeland Security because several similar fake rifles with the same type of wooden handle were spotted near the CSX rail station.

LIBERTY'S PRICE: A suspicious green package freaked people out, drawing cops, a SWAT team, and Homeland Security to the scene on Glen Iris Drive. The package appeared to be "a green foot locker, about 3 cubic feet in size, with the word 'Free' written on the side," a cop noted. A Ponce City Market security guard said the strange locker suddenly showed up between 10 and 10:15 a.m. "Citizens were evacuated from the area," an officer noted. After careful inspection, a bomb technician figured out that the "Free" green footlocker was not dangerous at all. Someone probably left it behind on purpose while moving.

BIG MOMMA's house: In Mozley Park, a 37-year-old woman said she was sleeping on the couch when her mother woke her up by hitting her with "a bundle of sticks" around 5 a.m. Police arrived to deal with the mother-daughter spat. The mother said she was pissed at her daughter and wanted her to move out — pronto. So she gathered a bundle of sticks and began striking her daughter. The officer arrested the 53-year-old mother, who apparently is a supersized gal. The officer said he used "two pairs of handcuffs to accommodate her girth." Big Momma went to jail.

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BLOTTER BITCH AWARD: A 24-year-old woman said one of her "many enemies" vandalized her car near her East Point home on Humphries Street. The damage to her white Suzuki: a crumpled front bumper, broken windshield, and a smashed window. "She did say that she has many enemies from her past and doesn't know how they found out where she lives or which one of her many enemies dating back to high school may have damaged her vehicle," the officer noted. The officer asked, "Why do you have so many enemies?" The woman replied, "Look at me, I mean, not to sound conceited, but look at me." The woman's enemies (real or imagined) remain at large.

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!!Hollywood Hijinks


LITTLE MRS. PRISS: "Do you know my name?" asked Laura Jeanne Reese Witherspoon. (Yep, that's her full name.) "You are about to find out who I am ... You are going to be on national news," she continued. Witherspoon was handcuffed in Peachtree Hills, and was berating the police officer who arrested her and her hubby, Hollywood agent Jim Toth. Earlier, when the cop told Witherspoon to stay in her car, the 37-year-old actress kept hopping out, declaring, "I am an American citizen ... allowed to stand on American ground." At one point, she even falsely claimed she was pregnant.

Apparently, She was pissed because her hubby was being arrested for DUI. So the cop charged her with disorderly conduct (obstruction). Witherspoon and Toth spent hours in the Atlanta slammer, and weeks later, both pled guilty. Witherspoon went on national TV to apologize for her pissy attitude toward the Atlanta officer.

FAN-DISSING IN THE ATL: Rapper Gucci Mane was accused of whacking a fan's head with a champagne bottle at an Atlanta nightclub. Why? Allegedly, the fan — a U.S. soldier home on leave — dared to asked Gucci Mane for a photo. The soldier said he told a club security guard, "I'm in the military. I wanted to get a picture with Gucci Mane ... I was speaking to the security guard, and Gucci Mane hit me in the head with a bottle."

Blood was pouring from a severe cut on the soldier's head. He went to a hospital and got stitches and treatment for his concussion. The 33-year-old rapper, whose real name is Radric Davis, pleaded not guilty to an aggravated assault charge.

STAR-GAZER: At around 4:30 a.m., an officer saw a brown Kia turn very slowly from Peachtree Street onto 10th Street without using a turn signal. The officer stopped the car and spoke with the driver, a 22-year-old Duluth man. The chatty driver said that earlier, he had one beer with actor Denzel Washington at a nightclub in the Mechanicsville neighborhood. Another guy (not Denzel) was passed out in the back seat. Apparently, drinks with Denzel put the driver in a fine mood. He kept up the pleasant chitchat even though he failed a breath test. The officer wrote, "I must note the man was very polite and respectful during my entire encounter with him." Still, "nice" and "name-dropping" aren't much help when you're drunk. The man went to jail and was charged with DUI. "
  ["tracker_field_contentWikiPage_raw"]=>
  string(26526) "People love to tell me their favorite ''Blotter'' stories: It amuses me how much pride people have when their friends make it into the column: "Remember the one about the drunk lady wearing a trash bag and a purse on her head who tried to steal her boyfriend's pet squirrel? That was my friend!" Or, "Remember the guy nicknamed 'Meat' who air-humped an officer's patrol car on his wife's birthday? That's my friend!" And it's always a "friend." Sometimes I bet they really mean "That was ''me'' in the ''Blotter''!" But they don't want to admit it. And that's OK.

It's important to remember that the people who appear in the ''Blotter'' are not necessarily guilty — that's for a judge and jury to decide. I just hone in on the wackier times when Atlantans are busted by our brave guys and gals in the Atlanta Police Department.

Here are some of my favorite ''Blotter'' moments from the past year. Enjoy!

— The Blotter Diva

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!!Mind-altering mishaps


__SLIPPERY WHEN WET__: A woman "with a beer can in her hand, nude from the waist down, was performing a sexual act on a City of Atlanta fire hydrant," an officer noted.

It gets worse. Much worse. The woman was fornicating with the fire hydrant across the street from her 80-year-old mother's home in Cascade Heights. And Mom was looking out the window, watching the whole thing go down. An officer approached the woman. "Upon seeing me, she threw the beer can down and started to walk away, but was hindered by her pants being around her ankles," the officer wrote. "I placed her in custody and helped her pull her pants up, and get them fastened around her waist with her belt." The woman was very drunk. Mom said her daughter has a crack-cocaine problem and always gets high, and then causes problems outside her home. (The mother has custody of the woman's four kids, ages 8 to 18, who were home at the time.) The woman, 44, was jailed on charges of public indecency, public drunkenness, and littering (the beer can).

__NAKED BUS__: A naked man was running around Buckhead Village after midnight. Several officers tried to corral the nude dude, but he "would not get out of the roadway and attempted to grab a MARTA bus," an officer wrote. The man was also cursing, talking to himself, and "would not put his clothing on." If that wasn't enough, he also was shaking his moneymaker at the women walking by. Finally, the man confessed that, yep, he'd dropped acid earlier. Quickly, police called for medics to examine him. Our tripping man told a female medic, "Let's just go home and have an orgy, you know where it is." Minutes later he yelled, "Turn the fucking music up, let's have a party!" Despite that creative suggestion, he was taken to jail instead. The psychedelic sex machine, 20, is from Acworth.

__FLYING HIGH__: A smooth-talker with a marijuana joint tucked into his sock tried to go through security at Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport. When a police officer asked the man if the joint belonged to him, the man explained that he needs marijuana because he has ADD. "I asked him if he had a prescription for the suspected marijuana — he said he did not," the officer noted. As the officer started to arrest him, the man played the sympathy card and told the cop he was headed to a funeral in Houston. When that didn't work, he played the prestige card. According to the police report, the man said he had a "$50 million dollar contract with Delta as CEO of his own company" and flashed a Delta contractor ID badge and an airport personnel badge. No one was impressed. Airport workers confiscated the badges and the man went to jail.

__''STAR WARS'' REDUX__: "I want to fight you — you, Jabba the Slut!" a drunk man yelled as he staggered into a Metropolitan Avenue store. (He made this alleged threat to two female employees.) The 40-year-old man then tore off his shirt and refused to leave. A male clerk stepped up to defend the ladies and grabbed shirtless drunk guy and threw him to the ground. The suspect "swung a couple of times, but missed due to being heavily intoxicated," an officer wrote.

__DUD BUDDY__: Near Grant Park, a grandmother "grabbed me by the hand and led me to her backyard, where she showed me three marijuana plants growing out of plastic buckets," an officer wrote. She said they belonged to her 18-year-old grandson who lives with her.

About five minutes later, the grandson returned to the home and said he recently bought a car from a guy who offered him the three marijuana plants. The grandson said the guy told him they are male plants and therefore won't produce marijuana. So the grandson accepted the plants and put them in the backyard.

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One clue deflated the grandson's story: According to the police report, the officer spotted "a digital scale in plain view in the living room." The grandson went to jail — over impotent marijuana plants that can't get anyone high. Cannabis lesson: Male marijuana plants do not produce any usable buds. Many growers get rid of male marijuana plants before they flower because they pollinate female marijuana plants. No, the Blotter Diva did not know this beforehand. She Googled it.

__HEART OF GLASS__: A rowdy Tennessee woman fell through the front window of an East Atlanta bar — and she didn't leave after she took her mighty plunge. She was still there drinking when police arrived. When an officer asked her about the oopsie, she denied falling through the glass, and just kept saying she "loves Atlanta and just wants to have fun," an officer wrote. The woman was charged with disorderly conduct. The bar was charged $1,300 to replace the broken window.

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!!Consumer culture


__SHOPPER'S OVERLOAD__: Outside Lenox Square mall, a disheveled man with "some whitish froth around his mouth" staggered through the parking lot and startled a cop sitting in his patrol car. The man was "yelling something and pointing at my police car," the cop wrote. "I could not understand what he was saying." A female officer on patrol said she clearly heard the man screaming, "Fuck the police." According to the police report, the man was "screaming at random people in the parking lot, using the 'f' word often." Together, the two cops detained the man. "He was putting his cigarette out on his wrist, burning his wrist," the male cop wrote. "He kept screaming two words: 'Metallica' and 'Heavy Metal.'" (OK, Mr. Officer, that's three words.) Cops arrested the man and put him in the patrol car. He kept screaming "Metallica" and "Heavy Metal" all the way to jail.

__SOLE SEARCHING__: A mother said her 28-year-old daughter stole all of her right shoes, but none of her left shoes. The mother said she's been staying at her daughter's home in the West End, but she suddenly had to go to South Carolina for medical reasons. The mother said that while she was gone, her daughter swiped her right shoes — and loads of other stuff, including: 25 bottles of perfume, her king-size bed, her 1986 Buick Regal, and her two dogs (a poodle and a shar-pei).

__TOURIST TRAP__: A Florida man was driving his wife and three kids to a family reunion and they decided to stop in Atlanta to see the sights. So what was the family's first stop? The Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial? Nope. The Carter Center? Not even close. Auburn Avenue, the Margaret Mitchell House, or even Piedmont Park? No, no, and no.

First stop: IKEA. After some family time perusing Scandinavian furniture, they headed to a Braves game. Outside Turner Field, the man looked in the car's trunk and realized all his family's stuff had been stolen, including suitcases filled with 10 swimsuits, 11 pairs of sandals, 240 music CDs, and two video cameras.

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!!Twisted love stories


__GOODWILL HUNTING__: A 31-year-old Buckhead man bought a diamond engagement ring for his girlfriend, but said he didn't propose right away because he was waiting for the right moment. For about a month, he hid the engagement ring inside a coat pocket. Apparently, it's an old coat he doesn't wear very often. One day, his girlfriend went on a cleaning spree and took his old coat to Goodwill. Freaked out, the man raced to the thrift store to look for the coat with the hidden prize. No luck. The coat was long gone. The princess-cut diamond ring is worth about $3,200. (The Blotter diva wonders: Did he still want to marry her?)

__HONEY, FISH OR CUT BAIT__: As her ex-boyfriend slept in her Peoplestown apartment, a 23-year-old woman called police and explained that about an hour prior, she and her boyfriend got into a fight. See, he lost $140 whilst gambling and felt this entitled him to a freshly prepared — by her — fish sandwich. The woman said while she was cooking the fish sandwich, her ex went through her cell phone, found some things he didn't like, and confronted her. She told police that after she gave him his sandwich, he alledgedly hit her with a sandal and punched her. Apparently, the cops showed up and detained the ex-boyfriend "while he was asleep."

__TCHOTCHKE WARS__: Snow globes were flying during a marital spat in Kirkwood. The wife, 39, said her husband grabbed a snow globe and hurled it at her chest. She retaliated by throwing "a souvenir from another country" at him. The husband grabbed another snow globe and hurled it at a window. The couple wrestled and the wife said she scratched and tried to bite her husband. Then, she said, her husband grabbed a rubber rain boot and threatened to throw it at her. So she called police. Officers visited the couple's Kirkwood home and determined everyone was OK. No injuries, no arrests.

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__CAVEMAN OF THE YEAR__: "I expect three things from my woman: fuck me, feed me, and clean my house," a man recently told police outside his Fisher Road home. (Sounds like a keeper!) Cops had just arrived in response to a call about a possible domestic squabble. The man said he and his girlfriend got into a fight because she refused to cook him dinner. The man said he smacked his girlfriend's mouth and she slapped his face. Then he took all of the girlfriend's belongings from their apartment and tossed them on the ground outside. The officer decided the boyfriend had caused enough trouble, so they handcuffed him and took him to jail.

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!!Art unleashed


__ART BRUT__: Vandals hit the High Museum of Art, targeting Roy Lichtenstein's "House III." A security guard said the Lichtenstein was spray-painted with red paint between the hours of 5 and 8 a.m. The officer noted, "I did observe red paint on the yellow wall portion of the house." No suspects.

__STAGED FRIGHT__: An officer responded to a call about "suspicious activity" on Adina Drive in the Lindbergh area. Four men dressed entirely in black "jumped out of a white delivery-type truck in a parking lot ... [[they] were carrying two pistols and a long shotgun, approaching a red SUV ... with their weapons drawn and then returning back to the white truck," the officer wrote. Both the officer and a man who lived nearby witnessed the startling incident. The officer called for backup and took on the suspects. "As I approached, I drew my service weapon for what appeared to be a robbery."

Turns out, it was all movie magic. The four men in the white truck "had a camera, and said they were filming a movie," the officer wrote. Still, the officer did his homework in case this "movie" thing was a possible ruse: "The weapons were checked and were fake." He also ran a background check on the actors and they were not wanted.

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!!Work-a-day woes


__STRIPPER SMACKDOWN__: At around 3:30 a.m., two dancers tussled at a strip club on Cheshire Bridge Road. When an officer arrived, a stripper with a shiner explained that while she was on stage, another dancer — who wasn't even working that night — yelled, "It's my club, bitch," from the crowd and attempted to yank her off the catwalk. The rowdy woman was bounced by security, but she wasn't done marking her territory. The stripper with the black eye said after her shift ended, she went outside to call a ride and the other dancer jumped out of a silver convertible and punched her in the face. The two strippers pulled each other's hair until a security guard separated them.

Apparently, the vixens used to be friends when they worked together at a different gentlemen's club on Buford Highway. Now they hate each other (over a shared boyfriend). Both dancers got tickets for brawling. Club management said the off-duty dancer was fired immediately and would not be allowed back to shake her booty under any circumstances.

__GRAVE SITUATION__: A man called police and said he'd hit a dog with his hearse during a funeral procession near Oakland Cemetery. The dog was totally fine — all its paws/body were in working order and it only had one bruise — but the man really needed a police report because he had to use his hearse again that weekend. The man didn't have his license plate number on hand because he'd already taken the hearse to a repair shop. So an officer met the man at the shop, but "was unable to see any damages" because the hearse was already fixed. The officer filed a police report, noting that he never actually saw any damage to the hearse.

__EXIT WITH FLOURISH__: A problem janitor went wacko at a recreation center next to Oakland Cemetery. Apparently, she was in a storage room talking on the phone about blowing up the recreation center. A 43-year-old male employee overheard her threatening conversation as he left the restroom. The man headed back to his office and the janitor followed, cursing him along the way.

The janitor was booted from the rec center but returned moments later and threatened to get people to rob the male employee. Again, the supervisor escorted her out.

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For a third time, the janitor returned and said she didn't care if she lost her job because she and her people were coming to get him. The janitor took off before police arrived. The cop asked: Why does the janitor hate this guy so much? No one had any real answers. According to the supervisor, the now ex-janitor has trouble with "constructive criticism."

__DOUBLE-DUPING__: A furniture-store owner received a call from an interior designer who ordered two fancy couches for a client (a gray leather sofa and a cream leather sofa, worth more than $5,000). The interior designer gave a credit card number and asked for the couches to be delivered to a storage space in Decatur. So the store owner loaded up the couches in his truck and sent his driver toward Decatur. Moments later, he got a call: change of plans. Now the interior designer wanted the delivery truck to meet a mystery truck and exchange the leather sofas behind Decatur's Courthouse Square.

The store owner had a "feeling something wasn't right," the officer wrote. He asked to speak to the mystery truck's driver, whose voice sounded familiar, but he couldn't quite place it. So he went ahead and agreed to deliver the couches to the mystery truck behind Courthouse Square. Hours later — voila! — the furniture store owner finally remembered: He testified against the mystery truck driver about five years ago for check fraud against his store. Now the mystery truck driver had scammed him again.

__DESIGN DIFFERENCES__: Two construction workers were bickering on the ninth floor of a building-to-be on Northside Parkway. The co-workers could not agree on what type of flooring to install. The argument became heated and one construction worker pulled out a box cutter and stabbed the co-worker's stomach. (Apparently, it was a very light stabbing, as far as stabbings go.) There was no blood on the ninth floor and the injured construction worker had "pinched the wound" closed, according to the police report. The construction worker with the box cutter was long gone when police arrived. No word on what type of flooring eventually was installed.

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!!Shades of delusion


__FANTASYLAND FREAK-OUT__: A woman called police and said her Ansley Park apartment was being robbed. An officer raced over. The woman greeted him by explaining that "John F. Kennedy was her father and Diane Sawyer was her mother," the officer noted. The woman said Tom Cruise had been hanging out at her apartment when the so-called robbery took place. The woman wanted the CIA and the Secret Service to help her. Plus, the woman said she has diabetes and she wants medics to make sure she's "alive" by checking her pulse and sugar level.

The officer looked around her apartment. "I noticed that the 28-year-old woman had the heat on 90 degrees and she was sitting on the floor with sunglasses in a dark apartment," the officer wrote. Nothing was stolen and there were no signs of forced entry. Medics arrived and checked her out — the woman didn't even have a scratch on her. They took her to a psych ward.

__OFF THE DEEP END__: A mother forced her three kids to swim in the pool outside the Carter Center. (It's a decorative pool with fountains — not a swimming pool.) "She seemed very demented and started to yell and act very strange and combative," noted a security guard. The security guard decided to call 911. A cop arrived and found the mother, who was "wearing a purple-colored short dress only. No undergarments (half nude)," the cop noted. "In a very deep voice, she began yelling at the children." The mother boomed, "The devils are here, don't talk to them."

The officer spoke with the kids: an 11-year-old girl, and two boys, 9 and 7. They said their mother forced them to swim laps in the pool — fully clothed.

The cop arrested the mother and retrieved dry clothes for the kids from her car. Then the cop tracked down the kids' dad in Loganville. The father came and got them, vowing to put an end to mommy's visits until she gets it together. Mom, 29, went to jail.

__DOWN IN DUMPS__: A man known for "taking his feces out of his colostomy bag and smearing/throwing it on police officers" got in trouble outside his mother's home on Ira Street. The mother said her 44-year-old son wandered into her house while she was getting ready for church and she told him to leave. The son was hungry, so she told him wait outside and she'd get him some food. Apparently, patience isn't his thing. The mom said her son pushed her into the kitchen and threatened her. The son "wasn't wearing his colostomy bag and his feces were spilling out all over the living room and kitchen floor," an officer wrote. "He went to the fridge, stuck his hands in the ice cream and began eating it." After snacking, the shit-spilling man got into a fight with his younger brother, a 41-year-old man who still lives at home with mom. No one was hurt during the family brouhaha. An officer spoke with the man, who "seemed clueless about the situation and sat on the stairs eating ice cream." Poopie-man went to jail on a battery charge.

?[[image-4]?
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!!Fornication blues


__PROTESTING THE MAN__: A 34-year-old woman walked up to an officer in Buckhead with a bizarre fake story about how she was sexually assaulted in a park. The officer asked: Which park? The woman replied, "Where the protesters are." (A crowded Occupy Atlanta protest was taking place in Woodruff Park.) Seconds later, the woman admitted freely that the sex was totally consensual. She said she met a cute protester and agreed to have sex in exchange for a pair of shoes from Walmart. Apparently, the man bought her dinner and took her to a Buckhead hotel. After some lust and thrust, the guy was supposed to drive her back to Woodruff Park, but she said he refused to drive her anywhere. The woman said she needed the police because she didn't know how to get back to Woodruff Park and "didn't want to walk the 13 miles" from Buckhead. The woman wasn't hurt at all, so the officer gave her some water and food, and then drove her back to Woodruff Park.

__INTIMATE REVELATIONS__: A 31-year-old woman returned home to a disturbing sight: Her boyfriend/baby daddy was having sex with her own mother! In the woman's bedroom! Naturally, the woman grabbed a green baseball bat and whacked her mother/boyfriend-stealer on the head. (Mother and daughter live together in the same Hammond Park apartment.) The woman's boyfriend/baby daddy ran out of there faster than Usain Bolt. The mother, 57, had a bloody cut and bruises, but her injuries are not serious. The 31-year-old woman was long gone when police arrived — probably chasing down her boyfriend with that green baseball bat.

__LOVERBOY CLASH__: One evening in Inman Park, a 29-year-old man crawled under the covers next to his boyfriend "to initiate sexual activity." Apparently, his lover wasn't in the mood. "Get the fuck away from me, bitch!" the lover hollered. Finally, the lover pushed him into a wall. The man said he "understood the refusal" and locked himself in his room. Then he heard his lover knocking furniture around, so he called police. The man claimed that his lover was talking about getting a knife. When police arrived, the lover was screaming, but he quickly became apologetic. Neither man was physically hurt. Cops took the lover to jail on a disorderly conduct charge.

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!!Armed with Stupidity


__GUN SNUGGLE__: A man was sleeping in his bedroom when he heard a "loud boom." Waking up, he realized he had shot himself in his left hand. Every night, he sleeps with his Ruger pistol under his pillow. Bleeding, the man asked a neighbor to drive him to Grady Memorial Hospital. The man's hand injury wasn't life-threatening. Wounded pride? That's another story. The 35-year-old man lives alone in the West End. At the hospital, he told cops that he left the gun at home, tucked under his pillow.

__FINAL BATTLE PREPS__: An officer found an elaborate weapon hidden in an abandoned building on 17th Street at Atlantic Station. The fancy rifle had lots of decorations but it was entirely fake. The faux-rifle was unable to fire a single shot. Police described it as "a wooden rifle stock attached with PVC piping covered in black electrical tape and black ripped shirts taped around it — to make it look like a real rifle." Atlanta police notified Homeland Security because several similar fake rifles with the same type of wooden handle were spotted near the CSX rail station.

__LIBERTY'S PRICE__: A suspicious green package freaked people out, drawing cops, a SWAT team, and Homeland Security to the scene on Glen Iris Drive. The package appeared to be "a green foot locker, about 3 cubic feet in size, with the word 'Free' written on the side," a cop noted. A Ponce City Market security guard said the strange locker suddenly showed up between 10 and 10:15 a.m. "Citizens were evacuated from the area," an officer noted. After careful inspection, a bomb technician figured out that the "Free" green footlocker was not dangerous at all. Someone probably left it behind on purpose while moving.

__BIG MOMMA's house__: In Mozley Park, a 37-year-old woman said she was sleeping on the couch when her mother woke her up by hitting her with "a bundle of sticks" around 5 a.m. Police arrived to deal with the mother-daughter spat. The mother said she was pissed at her daughter and wanted her to move out — pronto. So she gathered a bundle of sticks and began striking her daughter. The officer arrested the 53-year-old mother, who apparently is a supersized gal. The officer said he used "two pairs of handcuffs to accommodate her girth." Big Momma went to jail.

?[[image-5]?
__BLOTTER BITCH AWARD__: A 24-year-old woman said one of her "many enemies" vandalized her car near her East Point home on Humphries Street. The damage to her white Suzuki: a crumpled front bumper, broken windshield, and a smashed window. "She did say that she has many enemies from her past and doesn't know how they found out where she lives or which one of her many enemies dating back to high school may have damaged her vehicle," the officer noted. The officer asked, "Why do you have so many enemies?" The woman replied, "Look at me, I mean, not to sound conceited, but look at me." The woman's enemies (real or imagined) remain at large.

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!!Hollywood Hijinks


__LITTLE MRS. PRISS__: "Do you know my name?" asked Laura Jeanne Reese Witherspoon. (Yep, that's her full name.) "You are about to find out who I am ... You are going to be on national news," she continued. Witherspoon was handcuffed in Peachtree Hills, and was berating the police officer who arrested her and her hubby, Hollywood agent Jim Toth. Earlier, when the cop told Witherspoon to stay in her car, the 37-year-old actress kept hopping out, declaring, "I am an American citizen ... allowed to stand on American ground." At one point, she even falsely claimed she was pregnant.

Apparently, She was pissed because her hubby was being arrested for DUI. So the cop charged her with disorderly conduct (obstruction). Witherspoon and Toth spent hours in the Atlanta slammer, and weeks later, both pled guilty. Witherspoon went on national TV to apologize for her pissy attitude toward the Atlanta officer.

__FAN-DISSING IN THE ATL__: Rapper Gucci Mane was accused of whacking a fan's head with a champagne bottle at an Atlanta nightclub. Why? Allegedly, the fan — a U.S. soldier home on leave — dared to asked Gucci Mane for a photo. The soldier said he told a club security guard, "I'm in the military. I wanted to get a picture with Gucci Mane ... I was speaking to the security guard, and Gucci Mane hit me in the head with a bottle."

Blood was pouring from a severe cut on the soldier's head. He went to a hospital and got stitches and treatment for his concussion. The 33-year-old rapper, whose real name is Radric Davis, pleaded not guilty to an aggravated assault charge.

__STAR-GAZER__: At around 4:30 a.m., an officer saw a brown Kia turn ''very'' slowly from Peachtree Street onto 10th Street without using a turn signal. The officer stopped the car and spoke with the driver, a 22-year-old Duluth man. The chatty driver said that earlier, he had one beer with actor Denzel Washington at a nightclub in the Mechanicsville neighborhood. Another guy (not Denzel) was passed out in the back seat. Apparently, drinks with Denzel put the driver in a fine mood. He kept up the pleasant chitchat even though he failed a breath test. The officer wrote, "I must note [[the man] was very polite and respectful during my entire encounter with him." Still, "nice" and "name-dropping" aren't much help when you're drunk. The man went to jail and was charged with DUI. "
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  string(26686) "    From nude dudes to fiery-tempered ladies and out-of-control celebs, there was no shortage of bizarre crimes in Atlanta this year   2013-07-18T08:00:00+00:00 The Blotter: Best of the Blotter   Lauren Keating 1306477 2013-07-18T08:00:00+00:00  People love to tell me their favorite Blotter stories: It amuses me how much pride people have when their friends make it into the column: "Remember the one about the drunk lady wearing a trash bag and a purse on her head who tried to steal her boyfriend's pet squirrel? That was my friend!" Or, "Remember the guy nicknamed 'Meat' who air-humped an officer's patrol car on his wife's birthday? That's my friend!" And it's always a "friend." Sometimes I bet they really mean "That was me in the Blotter!" But they don't want to admit it. And that's OK.

It's important to remember that the people who appear in the Blotter are not necessarily guilty — that's for a judge and jury to decide. I just hone in on the wackier times when Atlantans are busted by our brave guys and gals in the Atlanta Police Department.

Here are some of my favorite Blotter moments from the past year. Enjoy!

— The Blotter Diva

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!!Mind-altering mishaps


SLIPPERY WHEN WET: A woman "with a beer can in her hand, nude from the waist down, was performing a sexual act on a City of Atlanta fire hydrant," an officer noted.

It gets worse. Much worse. The woman was fornicating with the fire hydrant across the street from her 80-year-old mother's home in Cascade Heights. And Mom was looking out the window, watching the whole thing go down. An officer approached the woman. "Upon seeing me, she threw the beer can down and started to walk away, but was hindered by her pants being around her ankles," the officer wrote. "I placed her in custody and helped her pull her pants up, and get them fastened around her waist with her belt." The woman was very drunk. Mom said her daughter has a crack-cocaine problem and always gets high, and then causes problems outside her home. (The mother has custody of the woman's four kids, ages 8 to 18, who were home at the time.) The woman, 44, was jailed on charges of public indecency, public drunkenness, and littering (the beer can).

NAKED BUS: A naked man was running around Buckhead Village after midnight. Several officers tried to corral the nude dude, but he "would not get out of the roadway and attempted to grab a MARTA bus," an officer wrote. The man was also cursing, talking to himself, and "would not put his clothing on." If that wasn't enough, he also was shaking his moneymaker at the women walking by. Finally, the man confessed that, yep, he'd dropped acid earlier. Quickly, police called for medics to examine him. Our tripping man told a female medic, "Let's just go home and have an orgy, you know where it is." Minutes later he yelled, "Turn the fucking music up, let's have a party!" Despite that creative suggestion, he was taken to jail instead. The psychedelic sex machine, 20, is from Acworth.

FLYING HIGH: A smooth-talker with a marijuana joint tucked into his sock tried to go through security at Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport. When a police officer asked the man if the joint belonged to him, the man explained that he needs marijuana because he has ADD. "I asked him if he had a prescription for the suspected marijuana — he said he did not," the officer noted. As the officer started to arrest him, the man played the sympathy card and told the cop he was headed to a funeral in Houston. When that didn't work, he played the prestige card. According to the police report, the man said he had a "$50 million dollar contract with Delta as CEO of his own company" and flashed a Delta contractor ID badge and an airport personnel badge. No one was impressed. Airport workers confiscated the badges and the man went to jail.

STAR WARS REDUX: "I want to fight you — you, Jabba the Slut!" a drunk man yelled as he staggered into a Metropolitan Avenue store. (He made this alleged threat to two female employees.) The 40-year-old man then tore off his shirt and refused to leave. A male clerk stepped up to defend the ladies and grabbed shirtless drunk guy and threw him to the ground. The suspect "swung a couple of times, but missed due to being heavily intoxicated," an officer wrote.

DUD BUDDY: Near Grant Park, a grandmother "grabbed me by the hand and led me to her backyard, where she showed me three marijuana plants growing out of plastic buckets," an officer wrote. She said they belonged to her 18-year-old grandson who lives with her.

About five minutes later, the grandson returned to the home and said he recently bought a car from a guy who offered him the three marijuana plants. The grandson said the guy told him they are male plants and therefore won't produce marijuana. So the grandson accepted the plants and put them in the backyard.

?image-1?
One clue deflated the grandson's story: According to the police report, the officer spotted "a digital scale in plain view in the living room." The grandson went to jail — over impotent marijuana plants that can't get anyone high. Cannabis lesson: Male marijuana plants do not produce any usable buds. Many growers get rid of male marijuana plants before they flower because they pollinate female marijuana plants. No, the Blotter Diva did not know this beforehand. She Googled it.

HEART OF GLASS: A rowdy Tennessee woman fell through the front window of an East Atlanta bar — and she didn't leave after she took her mighty plunge. She was still there drinking when police arrived. When an officer asked her about the oopsie, she denied falling through the glass, and just kept saying she "loves Atlanta and just wants to have fun," an officer wrote. The woman was charged with disorderly conduct. The bar was charged $1,300 to replace the broken window.

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!!Consumer culture


SHOPPER'S OVERLOAD: Outside Lenox Square mall, a disheveled man with "some whitish froth around his mouth" staggered through the parking lot and startled a cop sitting in his patrol car. The man was "yelling something and pointing at my police car," the cop wrote. "I could not understand what he was saying." A female officer on patrol said she clearly heard the man screaming, "Fuck the police." According to the police report, the man was "screaming at random people in the parking lot, using the 'f' word often." Together, the two cops detained the man. "He was putting his cigarette out on his wrist, burning his wrist," the male cop wrote. "He kept screaming two words: 'Metallica' and 'Heavy Metal.'" (OK, Mr. Officer, that's three words.) Cops arrested the man and put him in the patrol car. He kept screaming "Metallica" and "Heavy Metal" all the way to jail.

SOLE SEARCHING: A mother said her 28-year-old daughter stole all of her right shoes, but none of her left shoes. The mother said she's been staying at her daughter's home in the West End, but she suddenly had to go to South Carolina for medical reasons. The mother said that while she was gone, her daughter swiped her right shoes — and loads of other stuff, including: 25 bottles of perfume, her king-size bed, her 1986 Buick Regal, and her two dogs (a poodle and a shar-pei).

TOURIST TRAP: A Florida man was driving his wife and three kids to a family reunion and they decided to stop in Atlanta to see the sights. So what was the family's first stop? The Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial? Nope. The Carter Center? Not even close. Auburn Avenue, the Margaret Mitchell House, or even Piedmont Park? No, no, and no.

First stop: IKEA. After some family time perusing Scandinavian furniture, they headed to a Braves game. Outside Turner Field, the man looked in the car's trunk and realized all his family's stuff had been stolen, including suitcases filled with 10 swimsuits, 11 pairs of sandals, 240 music CDs, and two video cameras.

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!!Twisted love stories


GOODWILL HUNTING: A 31-year-old Buckhead man bought a diamond engagement ring for his girlfriend, but said he didn't propose right away because he was waiting for the right moment. For about a month, he hid the engagement ring inside a coat pocket. Apparently, it's an old coat he doesn't wear very often. One day, his girlfriend went on a cleaning spree and took his old coat to Goodwill. Freaked out, the man raced to the thrift store to look for the coat with the hidden prize. No luck. The coat was long gone. The princess-cut diamond ring is worth about $3,200. (The Blotter diva wonders: Did he still want to marry her?)

HONEY, FISH OR CUT BAIT: As her ex-boyfriend slept in her Peoplestown apartment, a 23-year-old woman called police and explained that about an hour prior, she and her boyfriend got into a fight. See, he lost $140 whilst gambling and felt this entitled him to a freshly prepared — by her — fish sandwich. The woman said while she was cooking the fish sandwich, her ex went through her cell phone, found some things he didn't like, and confronted her. She told police that after she gave him his sandwich, he alledgedly hit her with a sandal and punched her. Apparently, the cops showed up and detained the ex-boyfriend "while he was asleep."

TCHOTCHKE WARS: Snow globes were flying during a marital spat in Kirkwood. The wife, 39, said her husband grabbed a snow globe and hurled it at her chest. She retaliated by throwing "a souvenir from another country" at him. The husband grabbed another snow globe and hurled it at a window. The couple wrestled and the wife said she scratched and tried to bite her husband. Then, she said, her husband grabbed a rubber rain boot and threatened to throw it at her. So she called police. Officers visited the couple's Kirkwood home and determined everyone was OK. No injuries, no arrests.

?image-2?
CAVEMAN OF THE YEAR: "I expect three things from my woman: fuck me, feed me, and clean my house," a man recently told police outside his Fisher Road home. (Sounds like a keeper!) Cops had just arrived in response to a call about a possible domestic squabble. The man said he and his girlfriend got into a fight because she refused to cook him dinner. The man said he smacked his girlfriend's mouth and she slapped his face. Then he took all of the girlfriend's belongings from their apartment and tossed them on the ground outside. The officer decided the boyfriend had caused enough trouble, so they handcuffed him and took him to jail.

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!!Art unleashed


ART BRUT: Vandals hit the High Museum of Art, targeting Roy Lichtenstein's "House III." A security guard said the Lichtenstein was spray-painted with red paint between the hours of 5 and 8 a.m. The officer noted, "I did observe red paint on the yellow wall portion of the house." No suspects.

STAGED FRIGHT: An officer responded to a call about "suspicious activity" on Adina Drive in the Lindbergh area. Four men dressed entirely in black "jumped out of a white delivery-type truck in a parking lot ... they were carrying two pistols and a long shotgun, approaching a red SUV ... with their weapons drawn and then returning back to the white truck," the officer wrote. Both the officer and a man who lived nearby witnessed the startling incident. The officer called for backup and took on the suspects. "As I approached, I drew my service weapon for what appeared to be a robbery."

Turns out, it was all movie magic. The four men in the white truck "had a camera, and said they were filming a movie," the officer wrote. Still, the officer did his homework in case this "movie" thing was a possible ruse: "The weapons were checked and were fake." He also ran a background check on the actors and they were not wanted.

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!!Work-a-day woes


STRIPPER SMACKDOWN: At around 3:30 a.m., two dancers tussled at a strip club on Cheshire Bridge Road. When an officer arrived, a stripper with a shiner explained that while she was on stage, another dancer — who wasn't even working that night — yelled, "It's my club, bitch," from the crowd and attempted to yank her off the catwalk. The rowdy woman was bounced by security, but she wasn't done marking her territory. The stripper with the black eye said after her shift ended, she went outside to call a ride and the other dancer jumped out of a silver convertible and punched her in the face. The two strippers pulled each other's hair until a security guard separated them.

Apparently, the vixens used to be friends when they worked together at a different gentlemen's club on Buford Highway. Now they hate each other (over a shared boyfriend). Both dancers got tickets for brawling. Club management said the off-duty dancer was fired immediately and would not be allowed back to shake her booty under any circumstances.

GRAVE SITUATION: A man called police and said he'd hit a dog with his hearse during a funeral procession near Oakland Cemetery. The dog was totally fine — all its paws/body were in working order and it only had one bruise — but the man really needed a police report because he had to use his hearse again that weekend. The man didn't have his license plate number on hand because he'd already taken the hearse to a repair shop. So an officer met the man at the shop, but "was unable to see any damages" because the hearse was already fixed. The officer filed a police report, noting that he never actually saw any damage to the hearse.

EXIT WITH FLOURISH: A problem janitor went wacko at a recreation center next to Oakland Cemetery. Apparently, she was in a storage room talking on the phone about blowing up the recreation center. A 43-year-old male employee overheard her threatening conversation as he left the restroom. The man headed back to his office and the janitor followed, cursing him along the way.

The janitor was booted from the rec center but returned moments later and threatened to get people to rob the male employee. Again, the supervisor escorted her out.

?image-3?
For a third time, the janitor returned and said she didn't care if she lost her job because she and her people were coming to get him. The janitor took off before police arrived. The cop asked: Why does the janitor hate this guy so much? No one had any real answers. According to the supervisor, the now ex-janitor has trouble with "constructive criticism."

DOUBLE-DUPING: A furniture-store owner received a call from an interior designer who ordered two fancy couches for a client (a gray leather sofa and a cream leather sofa, worth more than $5,000). The interior designer gave a credit card number and asked for the couches to be delivered to a storage space in Decatur. So the store owner loaded up the couches in his truck and sent his driver toward Decatur. Moments later, he got a call: change of plans. Now the interior designer wanted the delivery truck to meet a mystery truck and exchange the leather sofas behind Decatur's Courthouse Square.

The store owner had a "feeling something wasn't right," the officer wrote. He asked to speak to the mystery truck's driver, whose voice sounded familiar, but he couldn't quite place it. So he went ahead and agreed to deliver the couches to the mystery truck behind Courthouse Square. Hours later — voila! — the furniture store owner finally remembered: He testified against the mystery truck driver about five years ago for check fraud against his store. Now the mystery truck driver had scammed him again.

DESIGN DIFFERENCES: Two construction workers were bickering on the ninth floor of a building-to-be on Northside Parkway. The co-workers could not agree on what type of flooring to install. The argument became heated and one construction worker pulled out a box cutter and stabbed the co-worker's stomach. (Apparently, it was a very light stabbing, as far as stabbings go.) There was no blood on the ninth floor and the injured construction worker had "pinched the wound" closed, according to the police report. The construction worker with the box cutter was long gone when police arrived. No word on what type of flooring eventually was installed.

?
---?
!!Shades of delusion


FANTASYLAND FREAK-OUT: A woman called police and said her Ansley Park apartment was being robbed. An officer raced over. The woman greeted him by explaining that "John F. Kennedy was her father and Diane Sawyer was her mother," the officer noted. The woman said Tom Cruise had been hanging out at her apartment when the so-called robbery took place. The woman wanted the CIA and the Secret Service to help her. Plus, the woman said she has diabetes and she wants medics to make sure she's "alive" by checking her pulse and sugar level.

The officer looked around her apartment. "I noticed that the 28-year-old woman had the heat on 90 degrees and she was sitting on the floor with sunglasses in a dark apartment," the officer wrote. Nothing was stolen and there were no signs of forced entry. Medics arrived and checked her out — the woman didn't even have a scratch on her. They took her to a psych ward.

OFF THE DEEP END: A mother forced her three kids to swim in the pool outside the Carter Center. (It's a decorative pool with fountains — not a swimming pool.) "She seemed very demented and started to yell and act very strange and combative," noted a security guard. The security guard decided to call 911. A cop arrived and found the mother, who was "wearing a purple-colored short dress only. No undergarments (half nude)," the cop noted. "In a very deep voice, she began yelling at the children." The mother boomed, "The devils are here, don't talk to them."

The officer spoke with the kids: an 11-year-old girl, and two boys, 9 and 7. They said their mother forced them to swim laps in the pool — fully clothed.

The cop arrested the mother and retrieved dry clothes for the kids from her car. Then the cop tracked down the kids' dad in Loganville. The father came and got them, vowing to put an end to mommy's visits until she gets it together. Mom, 29, went to jail.

DOWN IN DUMPS: A man known for "taking his feces out of his colostomy bag and smearing/throwing it on police officers" got in trouble outside his mother's home on Ira Street. The mother said her 44-year-old son wandered into her house while she was getting ready for church and she told him to leave. The son was hungry, so she told him wait outside and she'd get him some food. Apparently, patience isn't his thing. The mom said her son pushed her into the kitchen and threatened her. The son "wasn't wearing his colostomy bag and his feces were spilling out all over the living room and kitchen floor," an officer wrote. "He went to the fridge, stuck his hands in the ice cream and began eating it." After snacking, the shit-spilling man got into a fight with his younger brother, a 41-year-old man who still lives at home with mom. No one was hurt during the family brouhaha. An officer spoke with the man, who "seemed clueless about the situation and sat on the stairs eating ice cream." Poopie-man went to jail on a battery charge.

?image-4?
---?
!!Fornication blues


PROTESTING THE MAN: A 34-year-old woman walked up to an officer in Buckhead with a bizarre fake story about how she was sexually assaulted in a park. The officer asked: Which park? The woman replied, "Where the protesters are." (A crowded Occupy Atlanta protest was taking place in Woodruff Park.) Seconds later, the woman admitted freely that the sex was totally consensual. She said she met a cute protester and agreed to have sex in exchange for a pair of shoes from Walmart. Apparently, the man bought her dinner and took her to a Buckhead hotel. After some lust and thrust, the guy was supposed to drive her back to Woodruff Park, but she said he refused to drive her anywhere. The woman said she needed the police because she didn't know how to get back to Woodruff Park and "didn't want to walk the 13 miles" from Buckhead. The woman wasn't hurt at all, so the officer gave her some water and food, and then drove her back to Woodruff Park.

INTIMATE REVELATIONS: A 31-year-old woman returned home to a disturbing sight: Her boyfriend/baby daddy was having sex with her own mother! In the woman's bedroom! Naturally, the woman grabbed a green baseball bat and whacked her mother/boyfriend-stealer on the head. (Mother and daughter live together in the same Hammond Park apartment.) The woman's boyfriend/baby daddy ran out of there faster than Usain Bolt. The mother, 57, had a bloody cut and bruises, but her injuries are not serious. The 31-year-old woman was long gone when police arrived — probably chasing down her boyfriend with that green baseball bat.

LOVERBOY CLASH: One evening in Inman Park, a 29-year-old man crawled under the covers next to his boyfriend "to initiate sexual activity." Apparently, his lover wasn't in the mood. "Get the fuck away from me, bitch!" the lover hollered. Finally, the lover pushed him into a wall. The man said he "understood the refusal" and locked himself in his room. Then he heard his lover knocking furniture around, so he called police. The man claimed that his lover was talking about getting a knife. When police arrived, the lover was screaming, but he quickly became apologetic. Neither man was physically hurt. Cops took the lover to jail on a disorderly conduct charge.

?
---?
!!Armed with Stupidity


GUN SNUGGLE: A man was sleeping in his bedroom when he heard a "loud boom." Waking up, he realized he had shot himself in his left hand. Every night, he sleeps with his Ruger pistol under his pillow. Bleeding, the man asked a neighbor to drive him to Grady Memorial Hospital. The man's hand injury wasn't life-threatening. Wounded pride? That's another story. The 35-year-old man lives alone in the West End. At the hospital, he told cops that he left the gun at home, tucked under his pillow.

FINAL BATTLE PREPS: An officer found an elaborate weapon hidden in an abandoned building on 17th Street at Atlantic Station. The fancy rifle had lots of decorations but it was entirely fake. The faux-rifle was unable to fire a single shot. Police described it as "a wooden rifle stock attached with PVC piping covered in black electrical tape and black ripped shirts taped around it — to make it look like a real rifle." Atlanta police notified Homeland Security because several similar fake rifles with the same type of wooden handle were spotted near the CSX rail station.

LIBERTY'S PRICE: A suspicious green package freaked people out, drawing cops, a SWAT team, and Homeland Security to the scene on Glen Iris Drive. The package appeared to be "a green foot locker, about 3 cubic feet in size, with the word 'Free' written on the side," a cop noted. A Ponce City Market security guard said the strange locker suddenly showed up between 10 and 10:15 a.m. "Citizens were evacuated from the area," an officer noted. After careful inspection, a bomb technician figured out that the "Free" green footlocker was not dangerous at all. Someone probably left it behind on purpose while moving.

BIG MOMMA's house: In Mozley Park, a 37-year-old woman said she was sleeping on the couch when her mother woke her up by hitting her with "a bundle of sticks" around 5 a.m. Police arrived to deal with the mother-daughter spat. The mother said she was pissed at her daughter and wanted her to move out — pronto. So she gathered a bundle of sticks and began striking her daughter. The officer arrested the 53-year-old mother, who apparently is a supersized gal. The officer said he used "two pairs of handcuffs to accommodate her girth." Big Momma went to jail.

?image-5?
BLOTTER BITCH AWARD: A 24-year-old woman said one of her "many enemies" vandalized her car near her East Point home on Humphries Street. The damage to her white Suzuki: a crumpled front bumper, broken windshield, and a smashed window. "She did say that she has many enemies from her past and doesn't know how they found out where she lives or which one of her many enemies dating back to high school may have damaged her vehicle," the officer noted. The officer asked, "Why do you have so many enemies?" The woman replied, "Look at me, I mean, not to sound conceited, but look at me." The woman's enemies (real or imagined) remain at large.

?
---?
!!Hollywood Hijinks


LITTLE MRS. PRISS: "Do you know my name?" asked Laura Jeanne Reese Witherspoon. (Yep, that's her full name.) "You are about to find out who I am ... You are going to be on national news," she continued. Witherspoon was handcuffed in Peachtree Hills, and was berating the police officer who arrested her and her hubby, Hollywood agent Jim Toth. Earlier, when the cop told Witherspoon to stay in her car, the 37-year-old actress kept hopping out, declaring, "I am an American citizen ... allowed to stand on American ground." At one point, she even falsely claimed she was pregnant.

Apparently, She was pissed because her hubby was being arrested for DUI. So the cop charged her with disorderly conduct (obstruction). Witherspoon and Toth spent hours in the Atlanta slammer, and weeks later, both pled guilty. Witherspoon went on national TV to apologize for her pissy attitude toward the Atlanta officer.

FAN-DISSING IN THE ATL: Rapper Gucci Mane was accused of whacking a fan's head with a champagne bottle at an Atlanta nightclub. Why? Allegedly, the fan — a U.S. soldier home on leave — dared to asked Gucci Mane for a photo. The soldier said he told a club security guard, "I'm in the military. I wanted to get a picture with Gucci Mane ... I was speaking to the security guard, and Gucci Mane hit me in the head with a bottle."

Blood was pouring from a severe cut on the soldier's head. He went to a hospital and got stitches and treatment for his concussion. The 33-year-old rapper, whose real name is Radric Davis, pleaded not guilty to an aggravated assault charge.

STAR-GAZER: At around 4:30 a.m., an officer saw a brown Kia turn very slowly from Peachtree Street onto 10th Street without using a turn signal. The officer stopped the car and spoke with the driver, a 22-year-old Duluth man. The chatty driver said that earlier, he had one beer with actor Denzel Washington at a nightclub in the Mechanicsville neighborhood. Another guy (not Denzel) was passed out in the back seat. Apparently, drinks with Denzel put the driver in a fine mood. He kept up the pleasant chitchat even though he failed a breath test. The officer wrote, "I must note the man was very polite and respectful during my entire encounter with him." Still, "nice" and "name-dropping" aren't much help when you're drunk. The man went to jail and was charged with DUI.          The Blotter    13074491 8729006                          The Blotter: Best of the Blotter "
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  string(15568) "There are pirates in East Atlanta and zombies downtown. Underneath Atlanta's thin veneer of Southern civility, there's a raging current of flipped-out fruitcakes, sleazy scoundrels and unhinged lunatics.

My job is to find them. See, I am the Blotter Diva.

People just love to tell me their favorite Blotter stories. It's usually about someone they know. "Remember the Blotter about the guy who painted himself green and made frog sounds at Waffle House? That was my brother!" Or "Remember the one about the lady on drugs who carries around a meat cleaver and swings it at all her imaginary friends? That's my neighbor!"

So for you, I've gathered the best of the Blotter — a toast to the glorious stampede of demented freaks roving the Atlanta streets near you.

Enjoy.

?image-1?
!!!ATL LIVIN'


MONSTER IN HIS PANTS: An officer responded to brouhaha at apartment on Campbellton Road. A 32-year-old man said he and his girlfriend argued and she chased him across the apartment complex. According to the police report, the man said his girlfriend "wanted him to change shorts, because he has a large penis." The man's neck was bleeding from the alleged attack. Police arrested the girlfriend, a 29-year-old Alabama woman, and took her to jail on a battery charge.

WALKING DEAD IN ATL: A man said that during the annual "zombie march" someone vandalized the loft building he lives in on Martin Luther King Jr. Drive. According to the police report, the man said more than 800 people walked by and "some of them put fake blood all over the premises."

PURLOINED POOCH: A woman was inside a Ponce de Leon Avenue grocery store when someone broke into her car and stole her elderly but impeccably dressed poodle from within. According to the police report, the dog — Ms. Silver — was wearing "a pink shirt reminiscent of Valentine's Day that displayed the word 'Love,' and two red bows (one on each ear) with a matching red collar and an additional purple collar with clear stones" when she was hijacked. The woman said Ms. Silver is physically challenged and couldn't have gotten out of the car by herself. Also, she said, Ms. Silver is worth about $5,000 and is almost 13 years old. The officer did a little math for us: "She explained that one year of human life equals seven years of dog life. Therefore, the dog is 91 years old in human years," he wrote in his report. Surveillance footage shows someone pull up along side the woman's Caddy, reach into the window to unlock the door and scoop up Ms. Silver. Unfortunately, cops couldn't get a good enough look at the poodle's thief or his car, but they issued a lookout for Ms. Silver.

ALIEN INVASION: Some graffiti artists gave a white church van the intergalactic treatment as it sat parked on Hosea Williams Drive. An officer wrote, "The graffiti colors were green, purple and blue, and appeared to be some type of alien figure. Also, there were a series of characters that did not seem to reference any particular word; however, the characters left in the paint were 'CNURE.'" The church secretary couldn't think of any potential suspects who might be unhappy with the church. Or who might be aliens.

Next: Crazy nicknames

?image-2?
!!!CRAZY NICKNAMES


MOIST OFFER: A woman allegedly hopped into an unmarked police car around 11:30 p.m. and asked the undercover officer if he could take her home. "Once inside the vehicle, she opened her legs and began playing with her vagina," the officer wrote. The woman said her name is "WetWet." The officer asked, "How can I get some of that?" The woman said, "When you take me home, I will give you a discount." She said $80 is her going rate. WetWet went to jail on a prostitution charge.

THREE WISE GUYS: When a 29-year-old woman checked on her vacant rental home on Fair Street, she discovered that it had been ransacked. Large appliances were gone — the refrigerator, stove, water heater and two air-conditioning units — and "copper wire had been ripped from the wall at every outlet and socket in the residence," an officer noted. A neighbor said three local men are known for breaking into homes for copper. Unfortunately, the neighbor only knows their nicknames: "Black," "Sockman" and "Lawnmower Man."

Next: Strangest quotes

?image-3?
!!!SAY WHAT? STRANGEST QUOTES


NEGATIVE EXPOSURE? A 29-year-old woman said she wanted to use her camera at a family function, but she couldn't find it. She asked a 35-year-old man if he had seen her camera. He said he pawned it, but would get it out. Since then, she says, the man has refused to get her camera. He also wrote her a letter stating, "If you do anything trifling, I will forward all your nude photos of you giving me head and the videos of you showing your ass to all referee friends. I have your contacts."

SOLO WOES: A 35-year-old man got a boot to the patoot on a recent Friday night for violating an Oakview Road lounge's strict no-dancing-alone policy (joke, people). According to the police report, "The man stated he would dance by himself for a few minutes, go back and talk to his friends, then go back and dance by himself again." He also told the cops he learned how to dance by practicing in front of a mirror at home. That night, he was working on his moves by dancing alone in front of a mirror at the bar. Not a fan, apparently, of lonely dancer's solo stylings, a bar co-owner named "Frankie," walked up, grabbed him by the collar and tossed him out.

Outside the bar, the man waited for his friends. And waited. And waited. After a few minutes, Frankie and another guy came out and instigated a fight. When the dancer got the upper hand, Frankie's cohort came up and kicked the man several times. When he went home his mother called 911, but he was "too upset" to properly answer the officer's questions, so he had to call back the next day to give the police his full story. "They always throw me out for dancing by myself," the man told them.

PIRATE OF EAST ATLANTA: Around 2 a.m., an officer was parked at an East Atlanta gas station when a green Honda Accord whizzed by. The driver didn't slow down until he hit traffic near the Edgewood shopping district, and then reportedly started weaving in and out of lanes, cutting off other cars.

Eventually, police stopped the car on Moreland Avenue and arrested the driver, a 32-year-old man, who passively resisted by dragging his feet while cops tried to stuff him into a patrol car. The man said he is a lawyer, and there's no way the officer could have tracked him speeding. Also, the man said, he is not a "driver" but a "traveler," and his Honda is not a "car" but a "vessel" — and due to these facts he is not required to carry a driver's license. "During his monologue ... I asked for his name," the officer wrote. "He told me that he did not need to give such information to me because I was soulless and had no jurisdiction and was a pirate."

STONED & CONFIDENT: One morning, a team of officers reported an erratic driver on Cascade Road. The driver of a red Ford Fusion allegedly crossed the center line into oncoming traffic. Police stopped the car on Orlando Street. "Upon walking up to the vehicle, I could smell what I immediately recognized ... to be the strong and pungent odor of raw marijuana emitting from the interior of the vehicle," an officer wrote. "The driver appeared very nervous. The driver was sweating profusely from his forehead and upper lip and his hands were shaking when he handed me his license."

In the car trunk, the officer found a "clear freezer bag which contained marijuana." (A pound of suspected marijuana divided into 16 one-ounce bags.) The suspect, a 36-year-old Jonesboro man, decided to get chatty — even before police asked him any questions. He spontaneously uttered, ""Yeah, I'm riding with a pound of raw in my trunk, but I'm still blessed and highly favored by God."

HAIRY EXCHANGE: A 36-year-old Duluth woman is accused of trying to prostitute herself near St. Jose Street. An undercover investigator said the woman hopped into his car, and according to the police report, "the investigator told her he was trying to get into a little trouble. " Apparently, the investigator agreed to pay $25 for sex. The investigator asked her if she had any hair on her privates. The woman replied that she did, to which the investigator replied, "People shave now."

Next: Blotter awards

?image-4?
!!!GENERAL AWARDS


BOLDEST BURGLAR AWARD: A group of women were in the middle of yoga class when a gun-wielding man barged in and reportedly stole their stuff. "The serene sound of music was playing as they were finishing up their usual Monday night yoga session," an officer wrote. The yoga instructor had just told the women to turn and lie on their stomachs on their yoga mats when she heard the door open. "A masked man emerged from behind the curtains and told the women to get down. ... The gunman approached the instructor as she was lying face down, and removed the remote control to the radio from her hand."

Apparently, the gunman rifled (pun intended) through the women's purses. He reportedly stuffed valuables into his pockets until he heard the sirens from a passing patrol car, freaked out and fled, dropping stolen money on his way. The yoga women said the gunman wore gloves, a red ski mask, a heavy blue coat and clean white tennis shoes. He reportedly got away with a total of $195 in cash and a Wal-Mart gift card worth $25.

BEST BAR ARREST: Around 1:30 a.m. at a Buckhead bar, a security guard escorted a man outside and told him to get in a cab and go home. The 26-year-old man refused to go and started screaming and cursing, then sat down on the curb near the front door. "When he sat down, his feet went into the air above his head," an officer wrote. The man stood up and said, "Fuck you, you bald motherfucker. You were picked on in high school!"

The officer again told him to leave. The man replied, "Fuck you, pussy. I'll kick your ass, take that shit off." So the officer called for backup. According to the police report, the hyped-up man reportedly "started to make gorilla noises while flexing his muscles." After a struggle, police finally pepper-sprayed the dude and got him into a patrol car. En route to jail, the man reportedly kept beating his head on the cage inside the car.

"THE RECESSION AIN'T OVER YET" AWARD: An officer dealt with a 27-year-old woman who said she had lost her home and was now living on the 11th floor of the Buckhead office building where she works. (The irony: The woman works for a mortgage broker/real estate firm in the building on Piedmont Road.) Security guards told her to leave, but a few days later they found the woman sleeping with a man on an inflatable bed on the 11th floor. So they kicked her out for good.

Apparently, the woman called police because she hadn't gotten all her stuff back from the office where she had been living. "I found the items hidden in the desk and returned them to her," an officer wrote. No charges filed.

BEST "STRANGER DANGER" AWARD: A 26-year-old man said he heard water running near his home on Linden Avenue, so he looked outside and saw a stranger showering with his water hose in his backyard. The man said he asked the stranger to stop bathing on his property, but the stranger refused to leave. The man said he walked outside and the stranger sprayed him with the water hose and ran away. The man called the police, who quickly found the stranger (a middle-aged man) on North Avenue and arrested him.

BEST FASHIONISTA AWARD: A South Carolina woman said she married an Atlanta man three months ago, left her stuff in his apartment on Peachtree Road, and went back home to get the rest of her belongings. When she returned — yep, three months later — she discovered that 150 pairs of her shoes were missing (or so she told police). The Southern-fried fashionista also claimed that 10 handbags were missing, "half real, half fake." Her now-ex-husband said there was never that many shoes in his apartment and that she'd moved her stuff out before they divorced.

BEST DRUGGIE AWARD: A 30-year-old man told police that he, his wife and their two kids are living in extended-stay motel near Cheshire Bridge Road. One evening, a man with curly blond hair was yelling as he walked by their room, so he told the man to be quiet because his kids were asleep. A while later, on his way to a gas station to get aspirin for his wife, the man was attacked by the mop-headed malefactor with a belt with a metal S-hook on the end, no less. When police found the curly haired man, he had lots to tell them. An officer wrote, "While I was transporting the suspect ... he said he was trying to get his girlfriend away from the Bloods gang that was holding her against her will. He said he was trying to get his girlfriend off crack and she had $4 million dollars. He also told me that I thought he was tweaking on meth, but he was not. He said he had never in his life been thinking as clearly as he was today." The curly haired man went to jail on many charges. "I never told him that I thought he was 'tweaking' on meth," the officer noted.

BEST "GIFT COMBO" AWARD: Three people are accused of selling merchandise without a permit from the trunk of a white Chevy Impala on Marietta Boulevard. An officer saw a man holding a box near the car. "I noticed the items in the box appeared to be a perfume gift set," the officer wrote. (To be exact, a "Sex and the City" perfume gift set.)

Also for sale: Taser guns. Nearly a dozen high-voltage Taser guns were nestled among the perfume gift sets in the trunk. "The trunk of the vehicle contained 27 perfume gift sets, 10 tasers, and 20 mini-perfume sets," the officer wrote. "I collected one of the perfume gift sets and one of the tasers, to preserve as physical evidence of the scene."

?
Next: Stupid People Hall of Fame

?image-5?
!!!STUPID PEOPLE HALL OF FAME


 
TASTE TEST? Around 7 p.m., an undercover officer said a 42-year-old woman hopped into his car at the intersection of Lakewood Avenue and Jonesboro Road. "Once inside my vehicle, she offered to give me a blowjob for $20," the officer wrote. "She repeatedly offered to give me a sample blowjob." She was charged with prostitution. (After years of reading hooker reports, the Blotter Diva must note: Giving a "sample" of any kind is practically unheard of in the alleged prostitution world.)

MAKE A BREAK FOR IT: On a recent Saturday in Candler Park, an 82-year-old woman called police and said her daughter's 40-pound tortoise was missing from her home on McLendon Avenue. (It's a red-footed South American tortoise.) A police officer noted that the woman didn't know whether the tortoise was missing or just wandering around the backyard.

BAD CALL: On a recent Friday, police received a call from a boozed-up Morehouse Drive resident. When they arrived, she was sitting on the front porch, yelling, cursing and crying about someone stealing money from her purse. The officer said, "I asked her time and time again to remain silent, but she did not cooperate. She got louder and louder, ignoring my directions, and acting in rage. I then tried to detain her until I could figure out what the problem was and she began to hold me and wouldn't let go of my shirt."

The officer finally freed himself from drunky, and interviewed her boyfriend who said she'd been drinking and acting out of character all day. When the officer got back outside to check on her, he found her screaming and kicking his car door. Seriously, people. Don't drunk dial the police. "
  ["tracker_field_contentWikiPage_raw"]=>
  string(15722) "There are pirates in East Atlanta and zombies downtown. Underneath Atlanta's thin veneer of Southern civility, there's a raging current of flipped-out fruitcakes, sleazy scoundrels and unhinged lunatics.

My job is to find them. See, I am the Blotter Diva.

People just love to tell me their favorite ''Blotter'' stories. It's usually about someone they know. "Remember the ''Blotter'' about the guy who painted himself green and made frog sounds at Waffle House? That was my brother!" Or "Remember the one about the lady on drugs who carries around a meat cleaver and swings it at all her imaginary friends? That's my neighbor!"

So for you, I've gathered the best of the ''Blotter'' — a toast to the glorious stampede of demented freaks roving the Atlanta streets near you.

Enjoy.

?[[image-1]?
!!!ATL LIVIN'


__MONSTER IN HIS PANTS__: An officer responded to brouhaha at apartment on Campbellton Road. A 32-year-old man said he and his girlfriend argued and she chased him across the apartment complex. According to the police report, the man said his girlfriend "wanted him to change shorts, because he has a large penis." The man's neck was bleeding from the alleged attack. Police arrested the girlfriend, a 29-year-old Alabama woman, and took her to jail on a battery charge.

__WALKING DEAD IN ATL__: A man said that during the annual "zombie march" someone vandalized the loft building he lives in on Martin Luther King Jr. Drive. According to the police report, the man said more than 800 people walked by and "some of them put fake blood all over the premises."

__PURLOINED POOCH__: A woman was inside a Ponce de Leon Avenue grocery store when someone broke into her car and stole her elderly but impeccably dressed poodle from within. According to the police report, the dog — Ms. Silver — was wearing "a pink shirt reminiscent of Valentine's Day that displayed the word 'Love,' and two red bows (one on each ear) with a matching red collar and an additional purple collar with clear stones" when she was hijacked. The woman said Ms. Silver is physically challenged and couldn't have gotten out of the car by herself. Also, she said, Ms. Silver is worth about $5,000 and is almost 13 years old. The officer did a little math for us: "She explained that one year of human life equals seven years of dog life. Therefore, the dog is 91 years old in human years," he wrote in his report. Surveillance footage shows someone pull up along side the woman's Caddy, reach into the window to unlock the door and scoop up Ms. Silver. Unfortunately, cops couldn't get a good enough look at the poodle's thief or his car, but they issued a lookout for Ms. Silver.

__ALIEN INVASION__: Some graffiti artists gave a white church van the intergalactic treatment as it sat parked on Hosea Williams Drive. An officer wrote, "The graffiti colors were green, purple and blue, and appeared to be some type of alien figure. Also, there were a series of characters that did not seem to reference any particular word; however, the characters left in the paint were 'CNURE.'" The church secretary couldn't think of any potential suspects who might be unhappy with the church. Or who might be aliens.

__Next: Crazy nicknames__

?[[image-2]?
!!!CRAZY NICKNAMES


__MOIST OFFER__: A woman allegedly hopped into an unmarked police car around 11:30 p.m. and asked the undercover officer if he could take her home. "Once inside the vehicle, [[she] opened her legs and began playing with her vagina," the officer wrote. The woman said her name is "WetWet." The officer asked, "How can I get some of that?" The woman said, "When you take [[me] home, I will give you a discount." She said $80 is her going rate. WetWet went to jail on a prostitution charge.

__THREE WISE GUYS__: When a 29-year-old woman checked on her vacant rental home on Fair Street, she discovered that it had been ransacked. Large appliances were gone — the refrigerator, stove, water heater and two air-conditioning units — and "copper wire had been ripped from the wall at every outlet and socket in the residence," an officer noted. A neighbor said three local men are known for breaking into homes for copper. Unfortunately, the neighbor only knows their nicknames: "Black," "Sockman" and "Lawnmower Man."

__Next: Strangest quotes__

?[[image-3]?
!!!SAY WHAT? STRANGEST QUOTES


__NEGATIVE EXPOSURE?__ A 29-year-old woman said she wanted to use her camera at a family function, but she couldn't find it. She asked a 35-year-old man if he had seen her camera. He said he pawned it, but would get it out. Since then, she says, the man has refused to get her camera. He also wrote her a letter stating, "If you do anything trifling, I will forward all your nude photos of you giving me head and the videos of you showing your ass to all referee friends. I have your contacts."

__SOLO WOES__: A 35-year-old man got a boot to the patoot on a recent Friday night for violating an Oakview Road lounge's strict no-dancing-alone policy (joke, people). According to the police report, "[[The man] stated he would dance by himself for a few minutes, go back and talk to his friends, then go back and dance by himself again." He also told the cops he learned how to dance by practicing in front of a mirror at home. That night, he was working on his moves by dancing alone in front of a mirror at the bar. Not a fan, apparently, of lonely dancer's solo stylings, a bar co-owner named "Frankie," walked up, grabbed him by the collar and tossed him out.

Outside the bar, the man waited for his friends. And waited. And waited. After a few minutes, Frankie and another guy came out and instigated a fight. When the dancer got the upper hand, Frankie's cohort came up and kicked the man several times. When he went home his mother called 911, but he was "too upset" to properly answer the officer's questions, so he had to call back the next day to give the police his full story. "They always throw me out for dancing by myself," the man told them.

__PIRATE OF EAST ATLANTA__: Around 2 a.m., an officer was parked at an East Atlanta gas station when a green Honda Accord whizzed by. The driver didn't slow down until he hit traffic near the Edgewood shopping district, and then reportedly started weaving in and out of lanes, cutting off other cars.

Eventually, police stopped the car on Moreland Avenue and arrested the driver, a 32-year-old man, who passively resisted by dragging his feet while cops tried to stuff him into a patrol car. The man said he is a lawyer, and there's no way the officer could have tracked him speeding. Also, the man said, he is not a "driver" but a "traveler," and his Honda is not a "car" but a "vessel" — and due to these facts he is not required to carry a driver's license. "During his monologue ... I asked for his name," the officer wrote. "He told me that he did not need to give such information to me because I was soulless and had no jurisdiction and was a pirate."

__STONED & CONFIDENT__: One morning, a team of officers reported an erratic driver on Cascade Road. The driver of a red Ford Fusion allegedly crossed the center line into oncoming traffic. Police stopped the car on Orlando Street. "Upon walking up to the vehicle, I could smell what I immediately recognized ... to be the strong and pungent odor of raw marijuana emitting from the interior of the vehicle," an officer wrote. "The driver appeared very nervous. The driver was sweating profusely from his forehead and upper lip and his hands were shaking when he handed me his license."

In the car trunk, the officer found a "clear freezer bag which contained marijuana." (A pound of suspected marijuana divided into 16 one-ounce bags.) The suspect, a 36-year-old Jonesboro man, decided to get chatty — even before police asked him any questions. He spontaneously uttered, ""Yeah, I'm riding with a pound of raw in my trunk, but I'm still blessed and highly favored by God."

__HAIRY EXCHANGE__: A 36-year-old Duluth woman is accused of trying to prostitute herself near St. Jose Street. An undercover investigator said the woman hopped into his car, and according to the police report, "[[the investigator] told her he was trying to get into a little trouble. " Apparently, the investigator agreed to pay $25 for sex. The investigator asked her if she had any hair on her privates. The woman replied that she did, to which the investigator replied, "People shave now."

__Next: Blotter awards__

?[[image-4]?
!!!GENERAL AWARDS


__BOLDEST BURGLAR AWARD__: A group of women were in the middle of yoga class when a gun-wielding man barged in and reportedly stole their stuff. "The serene sound of music was playing as they were finishing up their usual Monday night yoga session," an officer wrote. The yoga instructor had just told the women to turn and lie on their stomachs on their yoga mats when she heard the door open. "A masked man emerged from behind the curtains and told the women to get down. ... The gunman approached [[the instructor] as she was lying face down, and removed the remote control to the radio from her hand."

Apparently, the gunman rifled (pun intended) through the women's purses. He reportedly stuffed valuables into his pockets until he heard the sirens from a passing patrol car, freaked out and fled, dropping stolen money on his way. The yoga women said the gunman wore gloves, a red ski mask, a heavy blue coat and clean white tennis shoes. He reportedly got away with a total of $195 in cash and a Wal-Mart gift card worth $25.

__BEST BAR ARREST__: Around 1:30 a.m. at a Buckhead bar, a security guard escorted a man outside and told him to get in a cab and go home. The 26-year-old man refused to go and started screaming and cursing, then sat down on the curb near the front door. "When he sat down, his feet went into the air above his head," an officer wrote. The man stood up and said, "Fuck you, you bald motherfucker. You were picked on in high school!"

The officer again told him to leave. The man replied, "Fuck you, pussy. I'll kick your ass, take that shit off." So the officer called for backup. According to the police report, the hyped-up man reportedly "started to make gorilla noises while flexing his muscles." After a struggle, police finally pepper-sprayed the dude and got him into a patrol car. En route to jail, the man reportedly kept beating his head on the cage inside the car.

__"THE RECESSION AIN'T OVER YET" AWARD__: An officer dealt with a 27-year-old woman who said she had lost her home and was now living on the 11th floor of the Buckhead office building where she works. (The irony: The woman works for a mortgage broker/real estate firm in the building on Piedmont Road.) Security guards told her to leave, but a few days later they found the woman sleeping with a man on an inflatable bed on the 11th floor. So they kicked her out for good.

Apparently, the woman called police because she hadn't gotten all her stuff back from the office where she had been living. "I found the items hidden in the desk and returned them to her," an officer wrote. No charges filed.

__BEST "STRANGER DANGER" AWARD__: A 26-year-old man said he heard water running near his home on Linden Avenue, so he looked outside and saw a stranger showering with his water hose in his backyard. The man said he asked the stranger to stop bathing on his property, but the stranger refused to leave. The man said he walked outside and the stranger sprayed him with the water hose and ran away. The man called the police, who quickly found the stranger (a middle-aged man) on North Avenue and arrested him.

__BEST FASHIONISTA AWARD__: A South Carolina woman said she married an Atlanta man three months ago, left her stuff in his apartment on Peachtree Road, and went back home to get the rest of her belongings. When she returned — yep, three months later — she discovered that 150 pairs of her shoes were missing (or so she told police). The Southern-fried fashionista also claimed that 10 handbags were missing, "half real, half fake." Her now-ex-husband said there was never that many shoes in his apartment and that she'd moved her stuff out before they divorced.

__BEST DRUGGIE AWARD__: A 30-year-old man told police that he, his wife and their two kids are living in extended-stay motel near Cheshire Bridge Road. One evening, a man with curly blond hair was yelling as he walked by their room, so he told the man to be quiet because his kids were asleep. A while later, on his way to a gas station to get aspirin for his wife, the man was attacked by the mop-headed malefactor with a belt with a metal S-hook on the end, no less. When police found the curly haired man, he had lots to tell them. An officer wrote, "While I was transporting the suspect ... he said he was trying to get his girlfriend away from the Bloods gang that was holding her against her will. [[He] said he was trying to get his girlfriend off crack and she had $4 million dollars. [[He] also told me that I thought he was tweaking on meth, but he was not. [[He] said he had never in his life been thinking as clearly as he was today." The curly haired man went to jail on many charges. "I never told him that I thought he was 'tweaking' on meth," the officer noted.

__BEST "GIFT COMBO" AWARD__: Three people are accused of selling merchandise without a permit from the trunk of a white Chevy Impala on Marietta Boulevard. An officer saw a man holding a box near the car. "I noticed the items in the box appeared to be a perfume gift set," the officer wrote. (To be exact, a "Sex and the City" perfume gift set.)

Also for sale: Taser guns. Nearly a dozen high-voltage Taser guns were nestled among the perfume gift sets in the trunk. "The trunk of the vehicle contained 27 perfume gift sets, 10 tasers, and 20 mini-perfume sets," the officer wrote. "I collected one of the perfume gift sets and one of the tasers, to preserve as physical evidence of the scene."

?
__Next: Stupid People Hall of Fame__

?[[image-5]?
!!!STUPID PEOPLE HALL OF FAME


 
__TASTE TEST?__ Around 7 p.m., an undercover officer said a 42-year-old woman hopped into his car at the intersection of Lakewood Avenue and Jonesboro Road. "Once inside my vehicle, she offered to give me a blowjob for $20," the officer wrote. "She repeatedly offered to give me a sample blowjob." She was charged with prostitution. (After years of reading hooker reports, the Blotter Diva must note: Giving a "sample" of any kind is practically unheard of in the alleged prostitution world.)

__MAKE A BREAK FOR IT__: On a recent Saturday in Candler Park, an 82-year-old woman called police and said her daughter's 40-pound tortoise was missing from her home on McLendon Avenue. (It's a red-footed South American tortoise.) A police officer noted that the woman didn't know whether the tortoise was missing or just wandering around the backyard.

__BAD CALL__: On a recent Friday, police received a call from a boozed-up Morehouse Drive resident. When they arrived, she was sitting on the front porch, yelling, cursing and crying about someone stealing money from her purse. The officer said, "I asked her time and time again to remain silent, but she did not cooperate. She got louder and louder, ignoring my directions, [[and] acting in rage. I then tried to detain her until I could figure out what the problem was and she began to hold me and wouldn't let go of my shirt."

The officer finally freed himself from drunky, and interviewed her boyfriend who said she'd been drinking and acting out of character all day. When the officer got back outside to check on her, he found her screaming and kicking his car door. Seriously, people. Don't drunk dial the police. "
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  string(15847) "    Atlanta crimes of passion, desperation and bizarro propositions   2011-07-14T15:30:00+00:00 The Blotter: Best of the Blotter 2011   Lauren Keating 1306477 2011-07-14T15:30:00+00:00  There are pirates in East Atlanta and zombies downtown. Underneath Atlanta's thin veneer of Southern civility, there's a raging current of flipped-out fruitcakes, sleazy scoundrels and unhinged lunatics.

My job is to find them. See, I am the Blotter Diva.

People just love to tell me their favorite Blotter stories. It's usually about someone they know. "Remember the Blotter about the guy who painted himself green and made frog sounds at Waffle House? That was my brother!" Or "Remember the one about the lady on drugs who carries around a meat cleaver and swings it at all her imaginary friends? That's my neighbor!"

So for you, I've gathered the best of the Blotter — a toast to the glorious stampede of demented freaks roving the Atlanta streets near you.

Enjoy.

?image-1?
!!!ATL LIVIN'


MONSTER IN HIS PANTS: An officer responded to brouhaha at apartment on Campbellton Road. A 32-year-old man said he and his girlfriend argued and she chased him across the apartment complex. According to the police report, the man said his girlfriend "wanted him to change shorts, because he has a large penis." The man's neck was bleeding from the alleged attack. Police arrested the girlfriend, a 29-year-old Alabama woman, and took her to jail on a battery charge.

WALKING DEAD IN ATL: A man said that during the annual "zombie march" someone vandalized the loft building he lives in on Martin Luther King Jr. Drive. According to the police report, the man said more than 800 people walked by and "some of them put fake blood all over the premises."

PURLOINED POOCH: A woman was inside a Ponce de Leon Avenue grocery store when someone broke into her car and stole her elderly but impeccably dressed poodle from within. According to the police report, the dog — Ms. Silver — was wearing "a pink shirt reminiscent of Valentine's Day that displayed the word 'Love,' and two red bows (one on each ear) with a matching red collar and an additional purple collar with clear stones" when she was hijacked. The woman said Ms. Silver is physically challenged and couldn't have gotten out of the car by herself. Also, she said, Ms. Silver is worth about $5,000 and is almost 13 years old. The officer did a little math for us: "She explained that one year of human life equals seven years of dog life. Therefore, the dog is 91 years old in human years," he wrote in his report. Surveillance footage shows someone pull up along side the woman's Caddy, reach into the window to unlock the door and scoop up Ms. Silver. Unfortunately, cops couldn't get a good enough look at the poodle's thief or his car, but they issued a lookout for Ms. Silver.

ALIEN INVASION: Some graffiti artists gave a white church van the intergalactic treatment as it sat parked on Hosea Williams Drive. An officer wrote, "The graffiti colors were green, purple and blue, and appeared to be some type of alien figure. Also, there were a series of characters that did not seem to reference any particular word; however, the characters left in the paint were 'CNURE.'" The church secretary couldn't think of any potential suspects who might be unhappy with the church. Or who might be aliens.

Next: Crazy nicknames

?image-2?
!!!CRAZY NICKNAMES


MOIST OFFER: A woman allegedly hopped into an unmarked police car around 11:30 p.m. and asked the undercover officer if he could take her home. "Once inside the vehicle, she opened her legs and began playing with her vagina," the officer wrote. The woman said her name is "WetWet." The officer asked, "How can I get some of that?" The woman said, "When you take me home, I will give you a discount." She said $80 is her going rate. WetWet went to jail on a prostitution charge.

THREE WISE GUYS: When a 29-year-old woman checked on her vacant rental home on Fair Street, she discovered that it had been ransacked. Large appliances were gone — the refrigerator, stove, water heater and two air-conditioning units — and "copper wire had been ripped from the wall at every outlet and socket in the residence," an officer noted. A neighbor said three local men are known for breaking into homes for copper. Unfortunately, the neighbor only knows their nicknames: "Black," "Sockman" and "Lawnmower Man."

Next: Strangest quotes

?image-3?
!!!SAY WHAT? STRANGEST QUOTES


NEGATIVE EXPOSURE? A 29-year-old woman said she wanted to use her camera at a family function, but she couldn't find it. She asked a 35-year-old man if he had seen her camera. He said he pawned it, but would get it out. Since then, she says, the man has refused to get her camera. He also wrote her a letter stating, "If you do anything trifling, I will forward all your nude photos of you giving me head and the videos of you showing your ass to all referee friends. I have your contacts."

SOLO WOES: A 35-year-old man got a boot to the patoot on a recent Friday night for violating an Oakview Road lounge's strict no-dancing-alone policy (joke, people). According to the police report, "The man stated he would dance by himself for a few minutes, go back and talk to his friends, then go back and dance by himself again." He also told the cops he learned how to dance by practicing in front of a mirror at home. That night, he was working on his moves by dancing alone in front of a mirror at the bar. Not a fan, apparently, of lonely dancer's solo stylings, a bar co-owner named "Frankie," walked up, grabbed him by the collar and tossed him out.

Outside the bar, the man waited for his friends. And waited. And waited. After a few minutes, Frankie and another guy came out and instigated a fight. When the dancer got the upper hand, Frankie's cohort came up and kicked the man several times. When he went home his mother called 911, but he was "too upset" to properly answer the officer's questions, so he had to call back the next day to give the police his full story. "They always throw me out for dancing by myself," the man told them.

PIRATE OF EAST ATLANTA: Around 2 a.m., an officer was parked at an East Atlanta gas station when a green Honda Accord whizzed by. The driver didn't slow down until he hit traffic near the Edgewood shopping district, and then reportedly started weaving in and out of lanes, cutting off other cars.

Eventually, police stopped the car on Moreland Avenue and arrested the driver, a 32-year-old man, who passively resisted by dragging his feet while cops tried to stuff him into a patrol car. The man said he is a lawyer, and there's no way the officer could have tracked him speeding. Also, the man said, he is not a "driver" but a "traveler," and his Honda is not a "car" but a "vessel" — and due to these facts he is not required to carry a driver's license. "During his monologue ... I asked for his name," the officer wrote. "He told me that he did not need to give such information to me because I was soulless and had no jurisdiction and was a pirate."

STONED & CONFIDENT: One morning, a team of officers reported an erratic driver on Cascade Road. The driver of a red Ford Fusion allegedly crossed the center line into oncoming traffic. Police stopped the car on Orlando Street. "Upon walking up to the vehicle, I could smell what I immediately recognized ... to be the strong and pungent odor of raw marijuana emitting from the interior of the vehicle," an officer wrote. "The driver appeared very nervous. The driver was sweating profusely from his forehead and upper lip and his hands were shaking when he handed me his license."

In the car trunk, the officer found a "clear freezer bag which contained marijuana." (A pound of suspected marijuana divided into 16 one-ounce bags.) The suspect, a 36-year-old Jonesboro man, decided to get chatty — even before police asked him any questions. He spontaneously uttered, ""Yeah, I'm riding with a pound of raw in my trunk, but I'm still blessed and highly favored by God."

HAIRY EXCHANGE: A 36-year-old Duluth woman is accused of trying to prostitute herself near St. Jose Street. An undercover investigator said the woman hopped into his car, and according to the police report, "the investigator told her he was trying to get into a little trouble. " Apparently, the investigator agreed to pay $25 for sex. The investigator asked her if she had any hair on her privates. The woman replied that she did, to which the investigator replied, "People shave now."

Next: Blotter awards

?image-4?
!!!GENERAL AWARDS


BOLDEST BURGLAR AWARD: A group of women were in the middle of yoga class when a gun-wielding man barged in and reportedly stole their stuff. "The serene sound of music was playing as they were finishing up their usual Monday night yoga session," an officer wrote. The yoga instructor had just told the women to turn and lie on their stomachs on their yoga mats when she heard the door open. "A masked man emerged from behind the curtains and told the women to get down. ... The gunman approached the instructor as she was lying face down, and removed the remote control to the radio from her hand."

Apparently, the gunman rifled (pun intended) through the women's purses. He reportedly stuffed valuables into his pockets until he heard the sirens from a passing patrol car, freaked out and fled, dropping stolen money on his way. The yoga women said the gunman wore gloves, a red ski mask, a heavy blue coat and clean white tennis shoes. He reportedly got away with a total of $195 in cash and a Wal-Mart gift card worth $25.

BEST BAR ARREST: Around 1:30 a.m. at a Buckhead bar, a security guard escorted a man outside and told him to get in a cab and go home. The 26-year-old man refused to go and started screaming and cursing, then sat down on the curb near the front door. "When he sat down, his feet went into the air above his head," an officer wrote. The man stood up and said, "Fuck you, you bald motherfucker. You were picked on in high school!"

The officer again told him to leave. The man replied, "Fuck you, pussy. I'll kick your ass, take that shit off." So the officer called for backup. According to the police report, the hyped-up man reportedly "started to make gorilla noises while flexing his muscles." After a struggle, police finally pepper-sprayed the dude and got him into a patrol car. En route to jail, the man reportedly kept beating his head on the cage inside the car.

"THE RECESSION AIN'T OVER YET" AWARD: An officer dealt with a 27-year-old woman who said she had lost her home and was now living on the 11th floor of the Buckhead office building where she works. (The irony: The woman works for a mortgage broker/real estate firm in the building on Piedmont Road.) Security guards told her to leave, but a few days later they found the woman sleeping with a man on an inflatable bed on the 11th floor. So they kicked her out for good.

Apparently, the woman called police because she hadn't gotten all her stuff back from the office where she had been living. "I found the items hidden in the desk and returned them to her," an officer wrote. No charges filed.

BEST "STRANGER DANGER" AWARD: A 26-year-old man said he heard water running near his home on Linden Avenue, so he looked outside and saw a stranger showering with his water hose in his backyard. The man said he asked the stranger to stop bathing on his property, but the stranger refused to leave. The man said he walked outside and the stranger sprayed him with the water hose and ran away. The man called the police, who quickly found the stranger (a middle-aged man) on North Avenue and arrested him.

BEST FASHIONISTA AWARD: A South Carolina woman said she married an Atlanta man three months ago, left her stuff in his apartment on Peachtree Road, and went back home to get the rest of her belongings. When she returned — yep, three months later — she discovered that 150 pairs of her shoes were missing (or so she told police). The Southern-fried fashionista also claimed that 10 handbags were missing, "half real, half fake." Her now-ex-husband said there was never that many shoes in his apartment and that she'd moved her stuff out before they divorced.

BEST DRUGGIE AWARD: A 30-year-old man told police that he, his wife and their two kids are living in extended-stay motel near Cheshire Bridge Road. One evening, a man with curly blond hair was yelling as he walked by their room, so he told the man to be quiet because his kids were asleep. A while later, on his way to a gas station to get aspirin for his wife, the man was attacked by the mop-headed malefactor with a belt with a metal S-hook on the end, no less. When police found the curly haired man, he had lots to tell them. An officer wrote, "While I was transporting the suspect ... he said he was trying to get his girlfriend away from the Bloods gang that was holding her against her will. He said he was trying to get his girlfriend off crack and she had $4 million dollars. He also told me that I thought he was tweaking on meth, but he was not. He said he had never in his life been thinking as clearly as he was today." The curly haired man went to jail on many charges. "I never told him that I thought he was 'tweaking' on meth," the officer noted.

BEST "GIFT COMBO" AWARD: Three people are accused of selling merchandise without a permit from the trunk of a white Chevy Impala on Marietta Boulevard. An officer saw a man holding a box near the car. "I noticed the items in the box appeared to be a perfume gift set," the officer wrote. (To be exact, a "Sex and the City" perfume gift set.)

Also for sale: Taser guns. Nearly a dozen high-voltage Taser guns were nestled among the perfume gift sets in the trunk. "The trunk of the vehicle contained 27 perfume gift sets, 10 tasers, and 20 mini-perfume sets," the officer wrote. "I collected one of the perfume gift sets and one of the tasers, to preserve as physical evidence of the scene."

?
Next: Stupid People Hall of Fame

?image-5?
!!!STUPID PEOPLE HALL OF FAME


 
TASTE TEST? Around 7 p.m., an undercover officer said a 42-year-old woman hopped into his car at the intersection of Lakewood Avenue and Jonesboro Road. "Once inside my vehicle, she offered to give me a blowjob for $20," the officer wrote. "She repeatedly offered to give me a sample blowjob." She was charged with prostitution. (After years of reading hooker reports, the Blotter Diva must note: Giving a "sample" of any kind is practically unheard of in the alleged prostitution world.)

MAKE A BREAK FOR IT: On a recent Saturday in Candler Park, an 82-year-old woman called police and said her daughter's 40-pound tortoise was missing from her home on McLendon Avenue. (It's a red-footed South American tortoise.) A police officer noted that the woman didn't know whether the tortoise was missing or just wandering around the backyard.

BAD CALL: On a recent Friday, police received a call from a boozed-up Morehouse Drive resident. When they arrived, she was sitting on the front porch, yelling, cursing and crying about someone stealing money from her purse. The officer said, "I asked her time and time again to remain silent, but she did not cooperate. She got louder and louder, ignoring my directions, and acting in rage. I then tried to detain her until I could figure out what the problem was and she began to hold me and wouldn't let go of my shirt."

The officer finally freed himself from drunky, and interviewed her boyfriend who said she'd been drinking and acting out of character all day. When the officer got back outside to check on her, he found her screaming and kicking his car door. Seriously, people. Don't drunk dial the police.              13061435 3539750                          The Blotter: Best of the Blotter 2011 "
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  string(3520) "?On Wilson Road, a man said a woman hit him several times, and then threatened to get a gun and shoot him. The man is the coach of a mini-football team that the woman's son plays on. ?
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  string(3754) "       2000-08-19T04:04:00+00:00 The Blotter August 19, 2000 ben.eason@creativeloafing.com Ben Eason Lauren Keating 1306477 2000-08-19T04:04:00+00:00  ?On Wilson Road, a man said a woman hit him several times, and then threatened to get a gun and shoot him. The man is the coach of a mini-football team that the woman's son plays on. ?
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?The husband discovered that the man had defecated on the lawn. The man also left two pairs of sunglasses, and a pair of tan leather gloves in the front yard. ?
?The items were turned in as evidence.


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