Top 5 ways to play the Star Bar

In addition to his duties with the Forty-Fives, garage-band-loving Bryan Malone has been booking the Star Bar for the past couple of months. But, thanks to the steady stream of slackers who want to play there, he’s quickly becoming a grizzled veteran. Here are his dos and don’ts for securing a gig at the popular Moreland Avenue club.

??
1) “DON’T call me on your cell phone while driving to ask where to send a package, make me wait while you find a pen, then force me to repeat the address three times because I’M breaking up.”

??
2) “DO have your shit together. A press kit doesn’t need cartoons, stickers or any other useless crap that you might find in a second-grader’s desk drawer.”

??
3) “DON’T send your crappy homemade videos of the band. We usually watch them at the bar and make jokes at your band’s expense. No wait, actually DO keep sending those.”

??
4) “DO send gifts to the booking agent. A bottle of champagne would be nice, perhaps roses.”

??
5) “I went to a baseball game two weeks ago. It was tied at the bottom of the ninth, with two outs. Andruw Jones comes to the plate. This kid turns around in his seat to tell me how great his band is. It’s all I can do to see around the guy. Then I hear the crack of the bat as Andruw hits the game-winning home run. DON’T DO THAT.”