Top five signs of a terrible band

Why watch a suck-ass band when you could be sucking down a brewski at the bar? Club Awesome drummer Lance Warner tells you when to dip by counting down the top five telltale signs of a terrible band.

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1) Instruments: "If someone plays a BC Rich Warlock guitar, leave. That's a guitar nerd who can and will shred you to sleep."

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2) Ties: "It doesn't matter how good you are at sounding like Wire; you look like a dickhead with a tie on."

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3) Stupid hair: "Seriously dude, if you go to the beauty salon to get your 'tips done,' you're a dingus."

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4) Gimmicks: "White tiger or robot costumes? Serious boner kill."

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5) Shirtless drummer: "You know what 'no shirt' says? It says, 'I got really into Pantera while sitting in my parents' basement and watching Faces of Death on VHS while simultaneously freebasing "ice" out of a Budweiser can. I then looked up at my bleary-eyed, retarded friends and said "Dudes, we should start a band."' Now here you are showing everyone your idiotic, poorly inked tattoo of a bomb or a naked chick while your wiry, sinewy arms go flying to some lowbrow punk song that includes the line, 'Stomp on a pussy.'"