Karma Cleanser - May 08 2002

Dear Karma Cleanser:
A few years ago, I realized that a girl I considered one of my best friends since I was 14 was really the shittiest friend in the history of friendship. I began ritualistically stealing things that I liked from her as retribution for her poor friend skills. Before I disassociated from her, I landed two great pairs of shoes, a nice scarf, some expensive makeup and a handbag. Since then, I’ve run into her several times wearing said items. She hasn’t asked me for her stuff back, but a string of costly mishaps have befallen me. Either she has put a voodoo curse on me, or karma is kicking me in the ass. Although I feel mostly justified in my actions (she was a really bad friend), I feel in need of a serious cleansing to discontinue my bad luck.

-- Karmic Klepto

Since you’ve already cut ties with the world’s shittiest friend, we suggest you leave the spoils of your crusade in an anonymous package on her doorstep. Saves face for you, shows you’re better than her and eliminates the reminders of your emotional vigilantism.

Dear Karma Cleanser:
Concerning Bad Carma’s complaint of an SUV- driving boss (April 24), I’m glad he is so open-minded that there can’t be room for an opposing opinion on global warming. Unless this guy walks or bikes to work, he could expect an enviro-zealot to slash the tires on his Yugo for helping kill Mother Earth. Would he be tempted to slash the tires of a car that predates catalytic converters? How about a minivan? The van is PC because you can’t demonize a soccer mom. I would guess this guy is pro-choice, you can have freedom to choose to kill your child but I will decide what you should drive, where your kid goes to school and if they will be bused across town.

-- Tire-ade

Thanks for the caustic, knee-jerk reaction. Read on for a more measured response.

Dear Karma Cleanser:
You were right to advise Bad Carma against slashing the boss’s tires. Such vandalism would merely add four more useless tires to the scrap heap. Sneaking a Sierra Club sticker onto the SUV’s bumper is a gentler tactic, but it isn’t going to change anything. In the quest for good karma and a cleaner environment, Bad Carma should consider organizing an office carpool and get boss guy to participate. The boss could still enjoy his behemoth while helping to eliminate excess vehicles from our roads.

-- Green Girl

Been bad? Get right with the universe at karma@creativeloafing.com.??