Hollywood Product - The Girl Next Door

Genre: Teensploitation meets adult entertainment

Opens: April 9

The pitch: Bland, morally upstanding high school senior Matthew (Emile Hirsch) discovers the porn star past of his new girlfriend, Danielle (Elisha Cuthbert), much to the delight of his creepy best friends (Chris Marquette and Paul Dano). He faces the age-old dilemma: Sure, taking a porn star to prom will impress the jocks who made your life a living hell for four years, but can you take her home to Mom?

Flesh factor: Surprisingly little for a movie centered on the adult entertainment industry. After an initial voyeuristic encounter in which Matthew watches his new dream girl undress in front of an open window, she exacts revenge by luring him into a romantic drive, making him strip and then driving off with his clothes, leaving the scrawny white boy stranded and defenseless in the 'burbs.

Fashion statements: Pornography may be a billion-dollar industry, but apparently none of that money goes to wardrobe. It would take an episode of "Blossom" to rival the heinous fashion sins repeatedly committed by Danielle.

Product placements: Danielle jets around town in a funky Volkswagen Beetle convertible.

Money shots: What would pornography be without a little girl-on-girl action? When Matthew's buddies take two porn stars (Sung Hi Lee and Amanda Swisten) to the prom, they express their, er, appreciation for each other in the limo on the way to the dance.

Cameos: It's close encounters of the third-rate kind in The Girl Next Door. That's "Average Joe: Hawaii" star David Daskal sitting behind Matthew in math class. Danielle's fellow fictional adult entertainer Ferrari (Lee) is a soft-core star in her own right.

Literary pedigree: The Girl Next Door is scripted by David Wagner and Brent Goldberg, the wordsmiths behind masterpieces My Baby's Daddy, Van Wilder and Saving Ryan's Privates.

The bottom line: This movie serves as a reminder of why Americans love porn — it's uncomplicated, it's unsentimental and it gets to the point quickly, traits unfortunately not shared by The Girl Next Door. It struggles to be a goofy teen romp, a heartwarming romantic comedy and a warning that the adult entertainment industry ain't all it's cracked up to be. But ultimately it dissolves into an unfocused, unfunny, uninteresting mess.

-- Karen Kalb