Flicks - Party with oscar

Pass the tedium of the 75th Annual Academy Awards by getting shellacked

Once again, the Academy Awards ceremony will be held on Sunday night (March 23 at 8:30 p.m. on ABC) for our partying convenience. Since we're usually hung over on Monday mornings anyway, why not spend the seemingly endless hours with this nominee-specific drinking game? The object is to pass out before they're done passing out the gold statuettes.

Every time host Steve Martin makes a joke that, by sheer coincidence, plugs his new movie Bringing Down the House, have a drink.

Every time two presenters are paired who, by sheer coincidence, both star in a new movie — like, say, Steve Martin and Queen Latifah of Bringing Down the House — have a double.

Every time an award recipient makes a plea for world peace, drink a martini with an olive (branch).

Every time Gangs of New York wins an award, have a Manhattan.

Every time someone from Chicago wins, take a drink of bathtub gin from a flapper's slipper.

Every time someone from Chicago wins and "shares this award" with non-nominee Richard Gere, say a mantra.

Every time Frida wins, have a shot of tequila.

If Pedro Almodovar's Talk To Her wins, do Absinthe shots until you slip into a coma.

Every time we see or hear reference to Nicole Kidman's prosthetic nose in The Hours, snort a line.

If Steve Martin compares Nicole's nose to his super-sized schnoz in Roxanne, snort two lines.

Every time The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers wins something, have a kiwi daiquiri in honor of its New Zealand locale. Then scowl that we hates tricksy Academy voterses for snubbing actor Andy Serkis (Gollum) and director Peter Jackson.

If Adaptation wins anything, smoke twin hits of plant fertilizer and loudly speculate about what really happened to co-writer Donald Kaufman.

If Michael Moore's Bowling for Columbine wins Best Documentary Feature, have a shooter or fire a gun in the front yard.

If Roman Polanski's The Pianist wins anything, slip a mickey into your date's drink, then flee the United States for three decades.

If Daniel Day-Lewis wins Best Actor for Gangs of New York, down a shot of flaming whiskey, hurl a meat cleaver into a wall and curse the Irish immigrants for stealing our jobs.

If U2 wins Best Song for Gangs of New York, do the same.

If Eminem wins Best Song for 8 Mile, pop some purple pills and cuss out your mother.

If Kathy Bates wins Best Supporting Actress for About Schmidt, go skinny-dipping in the nearest hot tub. If none is available, use the punch bowl.

If My Big Fat Greek Wedding gets Best Original Screenplay, pound Ouzo and shout "Opa!" until CBS gives you a sitcom. Then slowly slip into obscurity.

If Hayao Miyazaki's brilliant Spirited Away wins Best Animated Feature, drink sake. If anything else wins, destroy any Disney videotape in the house.

If Philip Glass gets best Original Score for The Hours, repeat his acceptance speech over and over again until you enter a hypnotic trance.

When Peter O'Toole accepts his award for Lifetime Achievement, set off on a pub crawl for several weeks. If O'Toole himself appears plastered, quote his My Favorite Year line: "So are some of the finest erections in Europe!"

Should the visage of Joan Rivers or her daughter appear on your television at any time, immediately cleanse the screen and all reflective surfaces with boric acid.

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