The Watcher - Better late than never

The Sopranos’ new season finally returns

SHOOT’EM UP, COWBOY
Tony promotes Christopher to capo in Paulie’s absence, which pisses off a lot of senior guys. It’s a rocky start, especially since Christopher becomes a full-time heroin addict. Adriana befriends an undercover FBI agent. Christopher tries to get a little menage-a-trois action, which ends the ladies’ faux friendship. The feds threaten Adriana with jail time, and she projectile vomits across the table. Then she becomes an informant. Christopher accidentally kills Adriana’s rat-dog by sitting on it. Intervention time! Christopher goes to rehab.

HORSE WHISPERER
Ralph buys a racehorse and Tony has a strange attraction to the horse and Ralph’s goomara, so he helps himself to both. The horse gets injured and shortly after, the barn goes up in a suspicious fire. Tony suspects and confronts Ralph. Fight, fight, fight! Tony wins, Ralph dies. Ralph’s toupee falls off as Christopher puts the severed head into a bowling bag. But the rest of the guys notice Ralph stops showing up. Tony blames it on New York, but the family suspects otherwise.

THE PEOPLE VS. JUNIOR
After Junior pays a gazillion dollars for his lawyers, the family corrupts a juror and the judge declares a mistrial. Junior is a free man. Hurray!

GIRL, YOU’LL BE A WOMAN SOON
Poor, poor Meadow mopes all summer. It’s hard to be a rich, Ivy Leaguer. She wants to drop out of school and go to Europe, which sends Carmela into a tizzy. After several rounds of Carmela and Meadow impersonating banshees, the younger Soprano re-enrolls for classes about morality and volunteers as a legal aide. Touche, Mobster Dad.

INTERNATIONAL COFFEE TIME
Carmela and Furio, sitting in a tree. No kissing, but they drink lots of coffee. But Furio’s desire for Carmela starts brewing murderous feelings toward his boss, Tony. After he almost pushes Tony into a spinning helicopter blade, Furio leaves for Italy. Forever.

REVENGE OF THE GOOMARA
Tony forgot that cautionary tale about “a woman scorned.” Irina, the Russian ex-goomara, reappears as a crooked councilman’s girlfriend. Tony thinks he’s OK with it, but beats the crap out of the dude later. Another former lady friend, Gloria Trillo, commits suicide, which sparks a good-deeds streak in Tony. He even gives Carmela money to invest in stocks after months of refusing her. Unfortunately, Irina calls Carmela as revenge for Tony’s thuggery. Carmela and Tony separate. Dr. Melfi and Tony separate this season, too, and if ever there was a time for him to be on Prozac, it’s now.