The Bachelorette': Fit to be Thai-ed (sorry, they're in Thailand)

Episode 4: Ashley CANNOT get over Bentley's departure, and neither can I


Besides our mutual affinity for hip-hop dance and boxy, unflattering clothing, Bachelorette Ashley and I finally have something meaningful in common: we both miss Bentley. We both miss Bentley a lot.

I wasn’t home to watch last week’s episode (although Forest Park’s city council meeting was definitely Bachelorette-esque), and was chagrined to discover that Bentley dismissed himself from the competition. But whyyyyyy would he do that?

Wait, I know why: Bentley thinks Ashley is DISGUSTING and doesn’t care if everyone knows it. Seriously, his bio says he’s a businessman, and if making Ashley look like an asshole is his business, then BUSINESS IS GOOD. MAN, this guy’s a dick, but in a way that’s so sociopathic and unapologetic the only thing I can do is admire his candor. I used to work with a guy named Brett who once told me that in a bathing suit, my ass looked like a plastic grocery bag filled with pudding. Brett wasn’t trying to hurt my feelings; he just really thought my butt was gross. That’s not his fault, just like it’s not Bentley’s fault that he would literally rather swim in pee than plan a wedding with Ashley (a thing he literally said during Episode 2).

And here’s Bentley on kissing Ashley (also from Ep. 2): “Wow that was … it started out good, but it sucked toward the end.”

Annnnnnd Bentley right before he tells Ashley he’s going home: “I’m gonna make Ashley cry. I hope my hair looks OK.”

He did make Ashley cry. And his hair looked spectacular.

Emotionally DESTROYED by the rejection, Ashley is reminded by the producers that there are still several other men — 12ish, I think — vying for her affections, and the whole gang heads to Phuket, Thailand, a place that’s most fun to say if you mispronounce it and use it in a Limerick.

Oh, and there’s good news: Constantine, the swarthy Greek restaurateur from Atlanta (or Cumming), is still on, AND he gets the first one-on-one date in Thailand!

The date card says, "Let's 'sea' Phuket together," which is a-hole for, "We're gonna go on a boat." Ashley greets him with an elongated, "Hey, Constanteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen," and tells him they're boating to a private beach, which sounds sandy and sensual, but then some little Thai Gai (guy) comes and shits all over their fun, sexy time. The guy says lots of things that neither Ashley nor Constantine can understand — so many things that it's, like, "Maybe he thinks they speak Thai??" — the gist of which is that the weather's bad, and they can't take the boat out. But that's OK! Constantine "goes with the flow," and suggests they just go into town and shop for the ugliest Hawaiian shirts they can find because that's a thing Thailand is renowned for.

Their date's a real snooze, but Ashley says they have "definite chemistry," probably because Constantine is good looking. And masculine. I would like to see him without his clothes on. I'm sorry I just said that.