The Bachelor,’ Ep. 5: Play balls

• ABC
• “No hay llanto en el beisbol.”

WHAT A RELIEF (says Blakely as she untapes her dick from her inner thigh). No, but, seriously. What a relief that we can stop watching this season of “The Bachelor” because THE GAME IS OVER. Courtney, who spent the episode waggling her vagina around, is for sure gonna win, right? I don’t have any special insight to back up this belief, even though Ben and I are so close. It’s just a very strong suspicion, based on said vagina waggling.

I also have a very strong suspicion that Courtney, who talks a lot about the indelibility of her “shit list,” actually has a sheet of paper somewhere covered with names scrawled in excrement.

So, we’re in Puerto Rico and LOOK! Ben’s wearing sunglasses. Whoop ... OK, that was short lived. Ben hates not squinting as much as Emily hates keeping her pursed lips in the middle of her face where they belong. (See picture, bottom right.)

Nicki, who I thought I liked because she looks like Susanna Hoffs if Susanna Hoffs was a soap star but then realized I don’t like very much at all, gets the first one-on-one date, which makes Courtney angry. And when Courtney gets angry, it looks like her skull is going to explode through her tightly drawn, shiny face-flesh. Like, even more so than usual.

So, Ben and Nicki take a helicopter (a doi) to San Juan, and as they’re strolling around — making awkward small talk, no doubt — it starts to rain. At first it seems like Nicki doesn’t process that it’s raining. Then she turns into this part of this movie.

They use the rain as an excuse to buy some authentic Puerto Rican costumes: an authentic giant tampon costume for Ben and an authentic penniless-slut-wearing-a-giant-handkerchief costume for Nicki.

Now, did anyone hear what Ben and Nicki were talking about when they were sitting outside the church while the wedding was going on? I sure didn’t, because all I could see was that the person whose butt was floating above Nicki’s left should had the most intense, painful-looking wedgie I’ve ever seen. I bet I didn’t miss much.

OOOOH. A thing I like: Nicki calls Ben “Bin.” Just like Ashley called him “Ban.” Like he’s a deodorant.

Group date time! The date card said something about diamonds being a girl’s best friend (or, like, exactly that) and Emily seemed to think that meant they were all going to get diamonds. NO YA BIG DUMMY you’re playing baseball. After the fishing date, my friend Ally and I are pretty sure that these aren’t just goofball competitions to entertain the dullards who watch the show (hey, that’s me!), and that Ben is actually choosing a mate based, at least somewhat, on her athletic prowess and ability to provide food for her family in the wild.

Best parts of the group date ...
— Chris Harrison shows up to explain the rules of the game, but mostly to stress how important it is that after the game the girls leave their sweaty panties somewhere he can find them.