The Bachelorette' FANTASY SUITES: Blame it on the pain


  • ABC
  • But, hey, she really loved Ghosts in the Graveyard.

It's a question as old as time itself: If you had to spend your life with either an adult baby or a banana-handed cyborg who makes a very literal "MWAH" sound every time he kisses you, which would you choose?

I came up with an answer that was unsatisfactory to my viewing companions, but we'll get to that later.

First, poor Chris! Just kidding! Congrats, Chris! You won the actual grand prize . . . YOU'RE GONNA BE THE NEXT BACHELOR. I don't have access to any insider info or privileged information, but I am a lady and I have what's known as a Woman's Intuition™ about these sorts of things (things that don't matter and don't make my life any better). I feel it in the bowels of my bowels. That or I have to go to the bathroom.

Speaking of diarrhea, Andi arrives in the Dominican Republic sporting a sleek side braid that looks like something straight out of the Suave Salon Chair Confidential handbook. "It's an amazing place to be in love with one guy at the end of this," she says of the Caribbean island nation. AND, in the meantime, it's a decent place to get boned by guys you kinda like OK.

While we watch the slideshow inside her brain, Andi goes over the things she likes about her final three. I'll summarize:
Josh: His personality - dark hair, piercing eyes, olive skin, height, and muscly build - is nice.

Chris: Cute but lives in rural Iowa, where the only entertainment is playing Ghosts in the Graveyard with a bunch of other adults.

Nick: Tells Andi he likes her a lot. Which she likes a lot.

After weeks and weeks of nervously picking at her meals and having cookies slapped out of her hand by Chris Harrison, Andi is FINALLY feeling bikini-ready for she and Nick's sexy date. Aw, and look. They wore matching swimsuits. The only way they could be matchier is if Nick was also wearing a bikini top. But first they go on HELICOPTER RIDE. The very first of the season, which is unbelievable. Andi says she's on Cloud Nine and it's like, no, excuse me, that's Desiree's cloud. Find your own fucking cloud.

? ? ?
Besides pressing pelvises together in the ocean, the number one thing on Andi's date agenda is to find out about Nick's break-up. Was it bad? "I didn't want to talk to anyone for like six months," Nick says. Well, that's not normal.

As the date progresses, Nick regresses. I mean, his outfit is an outfit for toddlers, no? The pink pants and silly DayGlo baseball shirt? Then he loses partial ability to speak. "Aw, I love it when you can't form a sentence," says Andi. I'm sure debilitating incoherency isn't a thing that'll get old really fast. Oh and look! He's made a picture book to read to her, so now he's dressed like a baby and he reads books that are for babies and he draws smudgy baby drawings. The only thing that could've redeemed him: the last drawing in his bullshit book was a photo-realistic, hardcore-pornographic representation of what he planned on doing with Andi in the Fantasy Suite.

Before they can go to the suite, he has to tell her something important. "I'm an adult baby and you have to change my diaper later." NO. He tells her he loves her. Again.

Next up is Josh, who was preprogrammed with some basic Spanish words and phrases to help him seem more humanlike in a Spanish-speaking country. HOLA COMO ESTAS MUY BONITA he screams into Andi's face. She seems to like it because, fun fact, it's impossible for robots to have bad breath. It's more like perpetual new-car smell. They fart around Santo Domingo and Josh (almost) dances, and then they go ruin a perfectly nice baseball game some kids were playing. Eventually, the kids come to terms with the fact that Andi and Josh are never going to let them finish their game undisturbed, so they all go home.

The biggest flaw in Josh's design: top and bottom teeth smiles. I AM HAPPY SO I AM SHOW ALL OF MY TEETH. Also his laughing sounds entirely too much what laughing is supposed to sound like.

During nighttimes, Andi says she likes Josh because he's "always happy and go-lucky" and Josh agrees that he is those things, but only because Andi is such an unrelenting joy to be around. But Andi is still worried about something (which we can know because the background music starts sounding tense) but Josh reassures her that, really, they've already been through so much together! Been through the wringer! Nothing could be harder than traveling the world and not working and having a production crew feeding you and planning your entire fucking life for your for two months straight. They press their pelvises together and then retire to the Fantasy Suite.

Then poor Chris gets the third date. They haven't even gotten started and already Andi is recoiling from the thought of being dry humped by another near-stranger while Chris Harrison listens through the door with a drinking glass and moans. "I don't know if my relationship with Chis is at a place where I feel comfortable spending the night with him," she says. She's also not completely comfortable with this horseback riding date. You know, "to have a 3,000 pound animal underneath me and I don't know what they're thinking." Then she has a flashback to her Fantasy Suite date with Josh and starts sobbing.

The rest of the date is spent telling Chris how much she loves his family. Love Iowa. Great people. Had a great time. Your mom is just so real. And your sister. Love your family. Then Chris screams, "WELL WHY DON'T YOU JUST BRING MY FUCKING FAMILY TO THE FANTASY SUITE IF YOU LOVE THEM SO MUCH," and hops on his horse and rides away.

But, seriously, two terrible signs about this date: (1) these two people have literally nothing to talk about besides Andi's brief and generally uneventful visit to Iowa, and (2) Andi, who is normally self-conscious to the point that she's forever making a frowny face and attempting to suck in her cheeks, doesn't give a shit what she looks like on this date. Which isn't to say she looks bad. It's just that she's wearing a Mrs. Roper caftan, and not touching and tousling her hair every 30 seconds like she does when she's with Josh.

Finally the horrific monotony of her date with Chris becomes too much and she cries a little and tells Chris to beat it. He takes it very well, which he should because 25 carefully selected women from all over the country are going to be dangling from his nuts in no time flat.

Back to my initial question: If you had to choose, would it be Nick or Josh? I'm choosing Josh. I think Andi will too. Check out more predictions on my site womansintuition.fart.

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