Atlanta man knows when Jesus is coming!

• WIKIMEDIA
• Jesus is all, “I’ll be back,” and we laugh even though Terminator jokes are so 1985

I delete most of the press releases I receive via email. Then, every once in a while, I get one that’s so important I begin imagining what would’ve happened had I reflexively deleted it, beads of sweat develop on my brow and upper lip, my heart races, and I’m left with no choice but to lock myself in a bathroom stall with a handgun and a bottle of Popov vodka to reflect on things. Seriously, what would I have done if I hadn’t found out that Atlanta resident Robert Y. Jackson wrote a book that kind of-sort of explains when Jesus will return to Earth?
ATLANTA, Ga. — When will Jesus return to Earth? It’s a question that has haunted believers for centuries, especially because popular teaching says that only God is privy to this information. Several years ago, Robert Jackson, a devout Christian, decided it was time for an in-depth discussion of what Scripture says in answer to this question.

After practicing his family tradition of studying Bible prophecy for more than six decades, Jackson put his knowledge of the Scripture to paper in his new prophetic book, “Jesus — When is He Coming?” The book thoroughly examines Bible prophecies and examples, as well as other popular beliefs, to reveal when Scripture indicates Jesus will return.

Here’s a thought, Robert Y. Jackson: What if Jesus wanted this to be a secret? Like, he’s spent YEARS planning this really cool party for us and you’re the big blabber mouth who ruins the surprise, so now when he switches on the lights and jumps out from behind the sofa, we’re all going to have to flinch and act like it was all so unexpected. I’m already so annoyed for him.

Jackson pooh-poohs this idea (shoutily):
Jesus spoke of His return saying, “But of the day and hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, NOR THE SON, but only the Father.” (Mark 13: 32). That indeed was true at the time Jesus said it; however, shortly after His resurrection He said something else that changed the situation concerning the knowledge of His return. He then said, “ALL AUTHORITY has been given to Me in heaven and on earth.” (Matthew 28: 18). Since Jesus now has ALL AUTHORITY in heaven and earth, it’s inconceivable that He Himself no longer knows when He will come for His church ... BELIEVERS ARE NOT IN DARKNESS ABOUT WHEN JESUS IS COMING. His return doesn’t have to be a surprise to His Church.

AH. OK. So one of you guys buy and read this (only $7.99 for the ebook!) and let me know when I can expect Jesus. Just so I can straighten up the apartment and stuff.