She's not impressed with his Gene Simmons tongue

My girl doesn't like me giving her oral sex. She doesn't like giving it, either. She's impossible, really. She doesn't like different positions or her nipples licked. The thing is, I'm an ex-adult entertainer and for the last 10 years, I've been a massage therapist and reflexologist. She stands on the threshold of pleasure but she doesn't like it. What do I do with this girl — dump her and move on or show her some of my movies where the actresses enjoyed every inch of my Gene Simmons tongue? BTW, I was King Tongue in the '90s for Vivid Video.

— Tongued Out

Dear Tongued,

I think you should take a cue from Brett Favre and use your cell phone to send her a picture of your tongue.

You guys have a lot in common. The Vikings quarterback hit on a woman over and over on MySpace, with voice mails and notes passed by mutual friends. And when none of that worked, he went for the Hail Mary pass and sent her pictures of his penis!

You're just like Favre. Nothing works, so you figure you'll show her videos of your tongue. As Bill Maher wrote in the Huffington Post: "Brett, I get it: Your dictionary doesn't include the words 'quit' or 'retire or 'married,' but you've got to at least understand 'punt.'" And punt is exactly what I'd do with your idea of whipping out your videos. It sounds like you came up with that idea before breakfast. A nice stack of pancakes should take care of that.

Women do not respond to sex the way men do. Why does it take a gay guy to tell this to a straight guy? You can show a man pictures or videos and get him to respond sexually, but a woman? You'd have better luck trying to get a lunch date with Elvis.

In fact, your solution betrays your narcissism. Not to mention your stupidity. Dude, you have a girlfriend who doesn't like oral and you want to show her videos of your Gene Simmons tongue? That's like President Obama trying to convince Sarah Palin to vote for him by showing her videos of Karl Marx.

Your tongue isn't part of the solution, but your personality is part of the problem. She's experiencing everything you do or say about this issue as pressure and harassment. If she truly loves you, she's already feeling bad that she can't give you what you want. Your constant badgering and criticism is only pushing her away. I'm not saying you don't have a point. You're sexually frustrated. I get it. Your girlfriend doesn't seem to like the things other women like. And she doesn't seem willing to try. I'm just saying you're going about this the wrong way.

It's possible to get her to like oral (or at least like it a lot more than she does now), if you follow these steps:

First, buy some Anal-eze desensitizing cream. Rub it on your ego. It'll help with the next step.

Talk to her. Your marquee announcement: A moratorium on oral until further notice. You realize you've been selfish, trying to get her to like what you like instead of trying to give her what she likes. For the next few weeks you are devoting yourself to HER sexual pleasure, not yours.

Third, find out what her sexual pleasure is, because you have no idea. You've been too busy trying to impress her with your appendages to find out.

Fourth, deliver it.

Here's why this will work: You will train yourself to be her idea of a great lover, not yours. And in that process, she will not only be sexually satisfied but hungering to give you what you want. It's called sexual reciprocity: The more you want to do for me the more I want to do for you.

Mike "The Sexorcist" Alvear hosts HBO's "The Sex Inspectors," blogs at mikealvear.com and teaches monthly blogging workshops with Hollis Gillespie. Got a burning or a why-is-it-burning question for the Sexorcist? E-mail him at sexorcist@creativeloafing.com.