How not to be a BDSM doormat

I started dating this girl a little more than a month ago and we've gotten serious pretty quick. In fact, she's already moved in with me and we went at it like two rabbits in a wool sock — having sex three to five times a night every night for the first three weeks. This last week, though, she told me she's getting bored with regular sex and that she's into pain. She told me specifically that she likes getting slapped, bitten and her hair pulled. I have a hard time doing this because 1) I've never done it before and 2) It feels awkward to slap a girl in the face when you're not angry. Please help me with this, as I think she might be getting REAL bored with having sex with me at the moment.

— Scared I'll Lose Her

Dear Scared,

There are so many levels of wrong with this letter I don't know whether to list them off numerically, alphabetically or categorically.

So why don't I just cut to the chase and start off by saying your relationship is doomed.

Dude, you don't need lessons on BDSM. You need an exit strategy.

Basically, you've invited a stranger to live with you and the first thing she does is tell you how much you bore her. She's got you wrapped around her finger tighter than a minister's wife's girdle at an all-you-can-eat pancake breakfast. She wants pain? Slam the door on her ass.

If she's telling you she's bored after a month, can you imagine what her complaints are going to be on month two or three? First off, teach her some manners. She has not earned the right to complain about boredom after a month. That kind of cruelty is reserved for couples who've spent years perfecting their passive-aggressive hostility.

There's a simple reason you don't tell somebody he sucks in the sack: He can't listen to anything you say after that. So, if she says something like, "Honey, you bore me in bed, but I really like your penis," you don't concentrate on the compliment. You concentrate on writing me an e-mail.

Your question is riddled with insecurity. You've bought into her contention that you're boring in bed and now you want to prove you're not. So, yes, by all means, take sex into the arena of disproving a negative. Let me know how that works out for you.

Forget about the masochism in bed. That's an easy fix. Read my column on the nature of role play and you'll get it. Your problem isn't how to step into a role but how to step out of one.

You've been playing her driver's side crash-test dummy and it's time to stop. Reclaim your authority. Tell her you don't appreciate her cruelty and set a new tone going forward.

The first thing I'd do is cut out the sex completely. No, that wasn't a typo. You guys need a sex break. You're already having sex three to five times a night and she wants to ramp it up? I don't think so. There's an old saying that if you want to jump farther you need to take a few steps back.

By laying off the sex for a few weeks you'll do some important things: Take back your power, give yourselves time to connect on a nonsexual level and, most importantly, give her the opportunity to show you who she really is — a booty call you've mistaken as a girlfriend.

See, she's going to pitch a fit. Control freaks always do when their partners step up. My guess is she'll threaten to leave. Which is perfect. I'm not saying screwing a girl who sees you as a meal ticket-punching dildo is wrong. I'm saying you shouldn't live with one.

Got a burning or a why-is-it-burning question for the Sexorcist? E-mail him at sexorcist@creativeloafing.com. Mike Alvear is the author of a line of How To Meet Guys On Facebook and teaches monthly blogging workshops with Hollis Gillespie.