The Blotter: Chemical intrigue

A young man ranted about "God and a gun" while stomping around the Edgewood neighborhood. A cop found the 23-year-old man screaming on the porch of an abandoned home. "LSD was created by the CIA to force people to tell the truth," the man yelled. "That's why someone has to kill me and explain it on Facebook." Also: "God hates everyone and he hates himself. That's why he created us — to hate ourselves."

The man was "sweating profusely," "using overly exaggerated hand gestures," and "his pupils were extremely dilated," an officer noted.

The man said he lives just across the street and he kept babbling about the CIA and LSD while the cop walked him home. "He did not seem to know where his keys were, or if he lived there, or if anyone else lived there," the officer wrote. "Finally, he opened the door, which was unlocked, and invited me inside." The man "continued talking about how he hated himself and how he needed me to kill him and explain it on Facebook," the officer wrote. "I attempted to calm him down ... I asked him if he could stay inside and not go wandering."

Suddenly, another guy walked in — the man's roommate. Shocked, he said he'd never seen his friend in this condition. Once again, the man repeated his mantra: "LSD was created by the CIA to force people to tell the truth."

The cop tried to leave the tripping dude at home with his roommate, but every time the cop walked out the front door the man followed. "I told him to go back inside approximately 10 times," the officer wrote. "Each time, he would go back inside for about 30 seconds and then come back outside again."

After the 10th round, the man was arrested for disorderly conduct and taken to Grady Detention Center. (Picture this: Grady Detention Center is often filled with rows of suspects handcuffed to hospital beds waiting for various illegal substances to wear off.) The man likely amused both inmates and doctors with his tirades on the CIA, LSD, and God hating himself.

LOOSE LIPS: A car full of rowdy women leaving a strip club was busted by an officer with a laser at around 1 a.m. The burgundy Cadillac allegedly zoomed down I-85 at about 30 mph over the speed limit.

The driver, a 26-year-old woman from Duluth, said she thought she was going slower than 80 and, yes, she knows the speed limit is 55 mph. She said she was taking her friends to a Buckhead hotel and that she only had one beer that night. However, the woman flunked some field sobriety tests so the officer arrested her and put her in the patrol car. The woman was quiet for a while. Then, the woman made a bizarre comment: She said this was "no big deal" in comparison to the recent mass shooting at a Colorado movie theater.

Of course, the cop wrote that down and drove her directly to jail. "She was polite and cooperative at all times," the cop noted. Handy tip: Don't mention a recent mass shooting if you are being arrested. It makes cops nervous.

NIGHT CREEPERS: A 24-year-old insomniac was puttering around his Northside Circle apartment at 4 a.m. when — bang! — a weird noise startled him. He peered outside and saw a man in a lime-green T-shirt with a "gold or brown Mohawk" sitting in his Chevy. The insomniac freaked, especially since he'd left his wallet in his car, so he rapped on his apartment window, trying to scare away the suspect. Amazingly, his window-tapping worked: Mohawk man jumped out of the car, looked around, and ran toward the pool. The insomniac chased him for a while, but Mohawk man reportedly jumped the pool's fence and got away ... with the insomniac's wallet.

TOUCHY-FEELY: It's so hard to be a cop with faulty equipment, right? "I called and set up a massage" with a woman at her apartment on West Paces Ferry Road, an undercover officer wrote. "I entered her apartment at the agreed upon time and she offered me a shower, and after I took a shower, she explained the rules. She told me that she and I will be completely naked, and that the first 30 minutes were going to be therapeutic, and we will get personal." During the massage, the officer asked if it cost extra to "get off." The woman reportedly said the $180 price includes everything. "She massaged my butt and told me to spread my legs as far as they would go and began to rub my testicles," the cop wrote. "I was alerting the uniformed units that I had the case, but due to poor equipment, they could not hear me." So the massage continued. "The uniformed officers did knock after a short period of time." After knocking, the uniformed officers took the woman to jail on a "masturbation for hire" charge.

JUST DESSERTS: In East Point, two women allegedly tried to steal half of a birthday cake — not the entire cake, just half — that cost a whopping $48.99. A security guard said the women yanked the cake's price sticker and then headed for the door. A cop showed up before they were able to get away. When the two women "saw an officer in the store, they immediately turned around and walked to the back of the store," the officer wrote. But seeing a cop did not scuttle their plans. The women reportedly tried to walk through a closed register with their cake. They went to jail on shoplifting charges.

SPLIT DECISION: A Buckhead man going through a divorce said his wife packed up and moved all of his stuff without his knowledge. He finally tracked down his boxes at warehouse and some pricey stuff was missing: his platinum Patek Philippe watch (worth $27,000) and 15 pairs of cuff links (worth $16,000).

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.