The Blotter March 17 2011

A resident of a Peyton Place apartment complex called police when she got an unsavory offer from a neighbor: submit to cunnilingus for cash. According to the woman, a fellow female phoned her and asked whether she needs her bills paid. Naturally, she said yes. But the sweet deal turned unsavory when the caller said, "You know this is not for free. If you let me come over and eat you, I will pay your bills." The woman regretfully informed the caller that she's not into same-sex stuff, but asked for the woman's name. The caller apparently identified herself as Tracy, and also said she lives in the same apartment complex. The woman says she filed a police report because the insatiable Tracy has called three times.

BOOTYLICIOUS BREAKDOWN? A woman called police and said an apartment staff member called "Destiny Child" kicked in the door to her apartment on Campbellton Road, stealing a knee brace and a toothbrush before leaving. When an officer arrived to investigate, things didn't quite add up. The officer inspected the front door and noted, "There were no signs of damage or forced entry." Unhappy with that officer's conclusions, the woman called 911 again and told the same story to a supervisor.

STUMPED: How much would your neighbor pay to get his way? When a Buckhead man returned to his home on West Wesley Road after a couple of weeks out of town, he discovered that someone had cut down a large pine tree on his property. He also found two typed letters in which a neighbor admitted he was the person who cut down the tree. "The letters referred a discussion about the man giving the neighbor permission to cut down a tall pine tree near the fence," an officer wrote in his report. "The letter also included an offer from the neighbor to buy the portion of land where the tree was cut down for the amount of $15,000." No word on whether the neighbor ever forked over the dough.

WHAT'S COOKING? A 25-year-old woman said she was driving to work on Chattahoochee Avenue when she slammed into a microwave that was lying in the road. A police officer arrived and confirmed her story: "A small microwave was in the middle of the roadway and she was not paying attention until her vehicle made contact." She needed a police report because the microwave apparently damaged her Pontiac G6's radiator.

GHOST IN THE MACHINE: Not even death can get some people to unplug. The manager of a Cheshire Bridge Road apartment complex said that when she entered a recently deceased tenant's apartment to pick up some of the woman's personal items, she discovered that a laptop computer she'd seen in there previously was missing. Even weirder: The manager said she later received a forwarded e-mail from the dead woman's computer. She said the e-mail informed one of the dead woman's friends that she had passed away.

SALESMAN OF THE CENTURY? Around 2 p.m., police responded to a silent panic alarm at an Armour Drive apartment, and a 30-year-old man came to the door. An officer wrote in his report, "It appeared that [he] was hiding something and attempted to place something in his right pants pocket." Turns out he was hiding stuff pretty much everywhere. After picking up a search warrant and a drug dog, police reportedly found $20,879 in cash on the kitchen counter, more than $16,000 cash in the right kitchen drawer and $3,954 cash in the left kitchen drawer.

The dog moved to the hallway, and found $32,171 in a computer desk, three bags in a closet stuffed with more than $93,000 cash, a Gucci bag filled with $9,394, and 12 grams of white powdery stuff. The man told police he sells flex, aka fake drugs. An initial test on the powder came back negative. Police gathered up the white stuff and sent it to a lab for more tests. Total cash police say they found in the apartment: $295,583.

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.

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