Talk of the Town - Box office angst February 27 2002

Competition, tension, hype, decisions.

The run-up to Oscar night? Nah. The Missus and me are just going out — to the movies.

I specify "out" because most of our cinematic appreciation occurs at home, in front of the VCR. And when you're paying, say, three bucks to see a movie, you'll watch just about anything. But sally forth to an actual theater? That's an entirely different screenplay.

Other than Academy Awards season, I am rarely in the mood to actually visit a movie house. They are cramped, expensive, odiferous, carpeted with wads of Double Bubble, and, at the quadriplex, capable of making me hear four different flicks for the price of one.

And so I follow in the Barcaloungered footsteps of my father. An archconservative when it comes to going out, he freely admits that the last movie he saw on the big screen was The Eddy Duchin Story, starring Tyrone Power, in 1956.

"They don't make 'em like that anymore," says Pop.

Darn right. Tyrone Power died right after.

Not that Hollywood doesn't tempt me. Movie previews look so good they should have a "Best Preview" Oscar category. They are slick, suspenseful and often begin with a narrator saying, "In a world ..." Sometimes they change it a bit. "In a time ...," one might begin — or: "In a city ..." Plus, it's always the same narrator. There are millions of writers and actors, and one guy is saying the same three words. What's going on here?

And why do previews never work out as full-blown features? I'll tell you. Because they only had enough decent script to make a preview. They hoped it would lengthen into a feature film, but no dice.

But back to talking about going out. First, she and I have to agree on a film. This is almost impossible. Consider the current crop of new releases:

Black Hawk Down. My spouse immediately throws this out because it involves major military activity. Her edict against "Army stuff" is all encompassing and brooks no challenge. Next case.

I Am Sam. An ad gushes, "A wonderful movie about the power of the human spirit!" I hate movies about the power of the human spirit. Make me laugh or cry, but keep your human spirit to yourself. Plus, what's with movie stars playing mentally challenged people? It's bad enough they want to direct; now they want an I.Q. of 40.

Collateral Damage. Neither one of us cares for Arnold Schwarzenegger movies enough to drop $8 per, so this is an easy delete. But whenever I see an ad for one, I'm reminded that Arnold is touted as a potential Republican candidate for governor of California. Now that I would pay eight bucks to see.

Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring. Right off, the title is trouble. They couldn't leave it at Lord of the Rings. Oh no. Had to get that subtitle in there, a sure sign that multiple sequels are to come — for decades. The merchandising alone makes me feel as if I've already seen this picture. Seven times. Plus, I have an ironclad movie rule: No trolls.

Hart's War. See "Army" citation above.

The Count of Monte Cristo. A fine adventure, written by Alexandre Dumas (the father, as opposed to the son, and as with most fathers and sons they probably were opposed) in 1846. But it's been made, re-made and re- re-made into movies since the invention of motion pictures. Hence we come to another rule of mine: No remakes. There are enough highly paid people on the West Coast that they surely can come up with some original ideas.

Finally, there's John Q, starring Denzel Washington as a father driven to hostage- taking by the medical needs of his son. Any story involving a guy who resorts to force with health care providers is our kind of film. There are millions of Americans trapped in HMO hell, so the producers banked on this for instant popularity.

Except by the time we get to the quadriplex, John Q is sold out. I was outraged, and I would've taken an usher hostage — but my feet were trapped in Double Bubble.

Glen Slattery, aka The Count of Alpharetta, really wants to direct.??