Cover Story - Think you know your Real Housewives of Atlanta?
A 'RHOA' primer, complete with totally accurate and indisputable predictions of their glamorous futures
Motto: "I don't keep up with the Joneses. I am the Joneses."
Bio: The former fan favorite is now the series villain, picking fights with anyone from Housewives to hairdressers, usually over money. After being evicted from her Sugarloaf Parkway gated community and separating from husband Greg, NeNe's latest accomplishment is a stint on Donald Trump's "Celebrity Apprentice."
Defining moment: Instructing Kim in the first season reunion to "close your legs to married men."
Destiny: After going broke due to an addiction to plastic surgery, an unrecognizable NeNe will roam the streets of downtown Atlanta, stopping people and begging them to take pictures with her. After finding herself at Peachtree-Pine, NeNe will discover Christ and embark on a tour of Southern churches. Thanks to her newfound popularity, NeNe will become a Georgia congresswoman campaigning on the vague platform of "Bam!"
Motto: "People call me a gold digger, but they just want what I have."
Bio: The wigged mother of three was first romantically tied to Big Poppa, allegedly local real estate mogul Lee Najjar, before he cut her off. Kim embarked on a music career of three YouTube "hits." She recently gave birth to a baby boy with her current fiancé, Falcons defensive end Kroy Biermann, and has a spin-off in the works.
Defining Moment: During her foray into singing, Kim dipped her foot in the lady pond with lesbian DJ Tracy Young.
Destiny: Kim's talent for manipulation and aging herself 20 years is unparalleled. She'll take a bold step in self-branding and come out with a line of overpriced cigarettes: Virginia Kims.
Motto: "People are intimidated by my success."
Bio: The ex-wife of former Falcons player Bob Whitfield has no success to speak of. Her She by Shereé clothing line was put on hiatus indefinitely (despite a show at New York Fashion Week). She's currently working on her acting career, recently performing as a shafted divorceé in a community theater production.
Defining Moment: In a board meeting to plan her post-divorce Independence Party, Shereé screams at her event planner, "Who gonna check me, boo!"
Destiny: Shereé will end up like Courtney Love, minus the crippling drug addiction: constantly in court wasting all her money on lawsuits against her former husband but in really nice designer clothes.
Motto: "I have fame and fortune, and I've earned it."
Bio: The first new housewife in season two, Kandi is a Grammy-winning songwriter and record producer for artists including TLC and Destiny's Child. It didn't take long for Kandi to be sucked into the "Housewives" vortex, though: Her fiancé was tragically shot outside a strip club; she started an online sex talk show ("Kandi Koated Nights"); and is now hawking luxury dildos in her "Bedroom Kandi" line.
Defining Moment: After one episode of "Kandi Koated Nights," Kandi proposed that the Housewives try putting powdered sugar in their vaginas.
Destiny: Since Kandi will put her name on anything and is keen on making bad life choices, she will end up offering Miss Cleo-like psychic readings between late-night infomercials.
Motto: "I know how to work it and be seen."
Bio: A model and New York transplant, Cynthia moved to Atlanta to marry doomed restaurateur Peter Thomas, but Petey isn't paying the bills, so it's up to Cynthia to start her own modeling agency this season.
Defining Moment: Asking NeNe to sign a "friend contract," voidable only by POTUS Barack Obama.
Destiny: The stunning 44-year-old Grant Park resident will leave Atlanta after divorcing Peter in the next two years. She'll end up living as a recluse in a tiny shack in the south of France, penning poems about the perils of modern life.
Motto: "I'm the ultimate Southern belle. I get what I want."
Bio: Attorney Phaedra Parks' first brush with Bravolebrity was when she represented Bobby Brown in court on Bravo's "Being Bobby Brown." Since then she's married Apollo Nida, whom she met while representing him in a criminal case. Phaedra considers herself a Southern belle with elite tastes, though the other Housewives have described her as "boughetto."
Defining Moment: Phaedra told the other Housewives she was seven months pregnant despite being on the verge of giving birth. She didn't want to admit to having sex before marriage. When the doctor heard about this for the first time, he laughed in her face, saying she was definitely nine months.
Destiny: Phaedra will own her own funeral home in the Atlanta 'burbs. She'll embalm some of the bodies and keep them perched in rocking chairs on the porch of her plantation-style house, having great conversations with them even after the cameras are gone.