Don’t Panic: Can Tiger Woods’ penis solve the Iraqi refugee crisis?

Woods simply needs to hop on one of his Gulfstream private jets, fly to Damascus, Syria, or Amman, Jordan, and have sex with the first willing Iraqi refugee he can find

Until quite recently, I was about as interested in the sex lives of golfers as I am about, well, golf – i.e., not even remotely interested.

Suddenly, I’m very interested.

The news media’s obsession with allegations that top golfer Tiger Woods was playing as many holes in his free time as he was at tournaments has given me an idea.

In this column, I’m always nagging about big news organizations ignoring important stories in favor of fluff, sensation and scandal. I suspect right about now, Woods feels the same way. He’s probably holed up in one of his mansions, infuriated and annoyed by the TV satellite trucks waiting outside for him. “Can’t they go cover something more important?” he’s probably thinking.

He’s also probably freaking out because his nine-figure annual income is going to decline sharply now that his squeaky-clean, ad-friendly public image has been coated with a thick film of nonoxynol-9.

My plan will address all three of these problems at once. I call it Operation Endust.

How will Operation Endust work? Easy. Woods simply needs to hop on one of his Gulfstream private jets, fly to Damascus, Syria, or Amman, Jordan, and have sex with the first willing Iraqi refugee he can find. His magical, media-magnetic man-parts will do the rest.

The world media will pay more attention to an epic humanitarian crisis. Angelina and Brad went in October, true – but they didn’t screw anyone. If Tiger goes there and has sex with a refugee, some of the satellite trucks will be drawn away from Tiger’s mansion. And the brave humanitarian gesture will almost certainly polish Woods’ tarnished image.

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(Photo illustration by Andisheh Nouraee)