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The Bachelor": Don't poke the Bear"

Season 15, FINALE! Can you just stand it?

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Over the course of this grueling, thankless season of “The Bachelor” we’ve learned things thing about Brad Womack. For instance, we’ve learned that Brad is the product of an alien experiment intended to allow extraterrestrials to gauge just how humanlike a cardboard replica of a person (Brad) actually has to be to assimilate into mainstream society. Their answer: not very.

A thing I had NOT learned about Brad until just last night is that the aliens made two of him! Brad has an "identical twin" named Chad (which rhymes with Brad). Chad is the slightly more attractive model.

Another thing that escaped my attention about our Bachelor: he is absolutely seething with rage. NEVER has this been more obvious than during last night's snoozer finale. Oh, yeah. I'm writing about the finale.

So, we're in Cape Town, South Africa, where Brad is fulfilling his lifelong dream of visiting Cape Town, South Africa (and we believe him!) and also selecting a fiance while he's at it. He's narrowed it down to Chantal "Jugz" O'Brien and Lil' Ricki's mom Emily, and it's time for them to meet Brad's immediate relations, including Mother Womack, Pudgy Brother Womack and Chad the Better Looking Twin Womack.

I know being on "The Bachelor" is tough, what with all of the traveling to exotic locales, helicopter and yacht excursions, and Fantasy Suite fondlings, but from the way Brad reacts to seeing his family, you would think he spent the last month (or several years) in a prisoner of war camp. He is absolutely ecstatic to see these people. A vein bulges from the center of his forehead. He CANNOT stop crying. It's intense, especially considering we didn't know he could feel feelings.

Once he's regained his composure, it's time for the fam to meet the laydeez. They obviously like Chantal — despite her ex-husband blah-blah-blahing — but they LOVE Emily. And her sob story. Brad tells us he knows the story of Emily's dead fiance and daughter will come up, but still manages to act like he's having a mild stroke when his brother brings it up. "Would Ricki's father be OK with you moving to Austin?" Pudgy Brother asks, and before Emily can answer Brad interrupts with an "UHHHHHH, DUUUUUUUUH." Because that will make it less awkward. Emily proceeds to tell her tale of Ricky and Ricki, all the same. A thought: couldn't she have just said, "No. I don't think he would mind because he is no longer alive" and be done with it? No, no, she couldn't. She's no fool. She knows everyone's a sucker for her tragedy.

Two more funny things that happened during Emily's time with the Womacks: 1.) When Brad says, "As soon as I saw her daughter, I knew we were going to get along." Yes. Because you also have the mind of a child. 2.) Didn't Brad's mom seem oddly surprised that Emily would "trust" Brad with Lil' Ricki? Like, what has he done to children that we don't/probably should know about.