The Bachelorette’ is back, annnnnd there’s a dickhead in a mask

• ABC
• Ashley Hebert is going to find a husband whether you like it or not.

Just when I was getting used to not squandering two hours every Monday night watching desperate-to-be-loved singles clamor for the affections of a moderately attractive, personality-deficient cardboard cutout, “THE BACHELORETTE” IS BACK.

Since most of my evenings are spent watching Lifetime movies On Demand helping people, I had no idea the new season — featuring Bachelor season 15 second runner-up and upsettingly white-toothed human being Ashley Hebert — was already premiering, SO, unfartunately, I missed a decent chunk of last night’s episode.

Still, lots to talk through.

So, our Bachelorette Ashley is an orangish-fleshed, brown-haired version of the perky-to-a-fault dental student who Brad sent home after she acted like a weird in South Africa, and wanted to talk about mosquito nets rather than do the penis-in-vagina.

Going into that doomed date, here’s what Brad thinked about Ashley vs. what I thought about Ashley:
Brad: She’s “so happy and outgoing and energetic and bubbly …”
Me: See above. She is all things that are annoying. I don’t care how annoying that makes me sound. This girl has been complemented in exactly that way — You’re so happy! Outgoing! Bubbly! — for way too long, and it’s made her insufferable.

I’m standing by my assessment, ‘cept I should’ve mentioned the lilt in her voice. Seriously, she’s going make the next 30 weeks (or however unbearably long the season is) really rough.

As for Ashley’s stable of suitors (some are genuinely horseish!), there’s no way in hell I’m talking about each of these 25 peens individually, so you can look at their bios and pickies here.

Generic, right? A few lovely lesbian manes, a couple sets of too-eager murder eyes (I’m looking at you, Frank ... now please stop looking at me?) ... b-b-but, wait, what’s this?