The Bachelorette’: ‘Mental kissing’ is so much worse than the mouth kind

Ep. 5: We’re still in Thailand, but I’m out of puns


  • This is Ashley’s ‘mental rape’ face

Well, you might as well stop reading, because Bentley didn’t come back this week.

I’m kidding. Don’t stop reading. Things can be really entertaining and depressing without him! Promise.

The gang’s still in Thailand, but this week the asshole parade is marchin’ its way on up to Chiang Mai, a place that is another place in Thailand. It’s just “primed for romance,” says J.P., who we liked until he said that.

Ben F., who took up winemaking when his other ABC show was canceled, get’s the first date, the coveted one-on-one. He and Ashley hop into a three-wheeled, motorized death machine doubling as a taxi, and head to the marketplace to further besmirch America’s image among unsuspecting Far Easterners.

Alright, they’re not THAT badly behaved, but a few of Ashley’s really terrible things shure shine during this date:
1. Ashley thinks she’s adorable. Unless you’re Jonathan Lipnicki in “Jerry Maguire”, thinking you’re adorable (whether or not you are) makes you nauseating.
2. She cannot say soft Es. Things aren’t perfect, they’re “perfact.” Ben doesn’t make her feel comfortable, he makes her feel “comfterbal” (not a great example, granted).
3. Her desperation makes her misunderstand the things people say.

CASE IN POINT, at the market they make more cave drawrings, this time on tiny umbrellas. Ashley says, “We should put them on our mantle.” Naturally, Ben’s confused by this because they don’t live in the same place, meaning there is no “our mantle,” so he asks, “Where do you propose we move?” Ashley, smirking like a dick, replies, “Are you proposing already?” No. NO.

Oh, hey, speaking of puke — I wasn’t talking about puke, was I? — Ashley and Ben then go to a temple to sit on a bench and enjoy some stilted conversation. Everyone knows there’s only one thing to do when you’re on “The Bachelorette” and you’ve had enough self-conscious small talk (well, besides cock a gun and blow your brains out): MAKE OUT. But they can’t, because this place is sacred and there’s no kissing allowed! So, Ashley and Ben stare at each other until Ben suggests they “do it in our heads ... mental kissing.” OK, here’s why mental kissing is grosser than regular kissing: there’s a necessity to discuss it afterward. These two discuss AND take it a step further by each letting out a satisfied, “Mmmmmm.” So, yeah, puke.

During their night date, Ben goes on and on about his dead dad, and Ashley finally shuts him up by being, like, “Listen, asshole, I’m not your fucking therapist” (didn’t happen), and that’s that.