American Idol: Paul McDonald Says Goodbye, E I E I O

Our show opens with congratulations and an awkward tribute for JLo, who was just named People Magazine’s Most Beautiful Woman, and man, I bet Cara “Look at Me” Dioguardi is spinning in her above-ground coffin right now. The theme for the evening is “music from the movies” and Will.i.am is back to give more nonsensical advice, because RIO is out in theaters this Friday, y’all!

The Good -

Stefano Langone — “End of the Road” by Boys II Men
So I went back and watched Stefano again from last week and really I think I was too hard on him. He really kind of connected with me (no seriously, he was looking INTO me.) So OMG I lurve this song. Come on, you know you do, too. I can’t recall anyone ever singing this on AI ever and it makes me soooo happy to hear Stefano do this song justice. Plus, his muscles are rippling and the vein in his forehead is especially sexy and he’s singing THROUGH me. *swoon* Even Seacrest Out told him he’s on fire. I think he likes the vein, too.

Casey Abrams — “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins
Holy shizz I love this song. I’ve almost caused multi-car pileups playing air drums while driving, and I’m so jazzed Casey is singing this. Oh wait, except he’s NOT. He changed his mind and is now singing “Nature Boy” by Nat King Cole. He’s got his stand-up bass so it’s probably going to be awesome. And I’m right. I mean, aside from the creepy serial killer Jack Black faces he’s making, this is by far the best jazz rendition of any jazz song ever performed on AI. This kid just took me back to my college days BYOBing it at Small’s on a random Tuesday night and finding my new favorite artist that I immediately called to tell my folks about. Casey should leave the show now and become the next jazz pop crossover sensation. I’d buy his albums.

Haley Reinhart — “Call Me” by Blondie
I have goosebumps. Her tone, pitch, timbre, EVERYTHING is perfect with her voice. Her movements are really kind of horrible, so I’m back to closing my eyes for fear that she’s gonna whip my eye out with her hair, and then it was amaaaaaaazing. But the judges HATE it. WTF is going on here?? I’m sitting here trying to download this performance on iTunes and the judges are trashing it. Ima ‘bout to reach through this TV and smack People’s Most Beautiful Woman.

James Durbin — “Heavy Metal” by Sammy Hagar
At the end of what turned out to be a pretty great episode of AI, I was excited to see James Aspergers close it out, in hopes that he’d sing “Wanted Dead or Alive,” but instead he picked a different metal song I’ve never heard from a movie I’ve never heard of and I wasn’t so sure about what I was about to witness. Kids, what I witnessed was pure HEAVY METAL AWESOMENESSSSSSSS. And there were lasers and Zakk Wilde on guitar and wailing and screaming and running around and I’m pretty sure JLo had a minor heart attack and parents all over America were changing the channel for fear that the Debil’s music was seeping into their kids' souls.