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Omnivore - Can we agree that all Halloween candies are good Halloween candies?

Hey, kids. I'll take your Mary Janes and Good & Plenty.

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  • JacquelineSouthby/photos.com
  • TRICK OR TREAT: Stop bitching about Halloween candy already


I continued trick-or-treating well into my teens. And I wasn't one of those shit-headed cheaters who wore regular clothes and claimed to be a "serial killer" or whatever. I wore a costume. And maybe I could drive a car and maybe I was already smoking cigarettes, but I was still a child, for God's sake. Finally, when I was 17 and a senior in high school, I was turned away from a home for being too old.

I remember it so vividly. It was Halloween night and I was with two of my friends. I was dressed like a hula girl. I didn't say my costumes were creative. Anyway, I approached a house with a wide front porch, and when I went to plunge my hand into a bowl of candy left sitting out, a lady in a rocking chair in the shadows croaked, "Candy's for the kids." I looked up and smiled. "Are you serious?" I asked. "SERIOUS AS CANCER," the bitchwoman replied. Unnecessary to be rude. Doubly unnecessary to bring up cancer on a holiday.

That was more than a decade ago. And now I'm a grown woman and I can buy all the candy I want — whichever kinds I want — whenever I want. But, it's not the same, is it? Candy tasted better when it was free and we had to work for it. Aw, what little child prostitutes we were.

Still, just about every year, some blog or another publishes a list of the worst Halloween candies. Huffington Post did the honors this year in their piece, "12 Halloween Treats You Must Stop Tricking Us With." Their list is as follows ...



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