Mr. Selfish won't go down on the muffin

__Dear Sexorcist,

__Is there any particular reason why a man would choose not to go down on a woman, EVER? I don’t particularly like going down on my boyfriend of seven months, but I do it because I love him and I know it’s something he enjoys. Plus, I don’t want him to cheat on me. We’re both in our 30s and I’m getting a little sick of his selfishness — he loves it when I do it, but never returns the favor. Do I need to bribe him or what?

— Gagging in Georgia

Dear Gagging:

If you’re giving him head to keep him from wandering, I can’t imagine what you’re doing to keep him from leaving. Listen, Our Lady of the Kneepads, your boyfriend apparently has a three-word philosophy: “I, Me, Mine.” And yours, unfortunately, is “He, Him, His.”

He’s being a pig, honey, but you’re eating the bacon. One of the basic elements of good sex is reciprocity and you guys have none. How you can suck his dick like there was an antidote in it and then let him take a pass on you is beyond comprehension.

The fundamental issue isn’t that he doesn’t want to go down on you; it’s that he cares so little about your pleasure. Assuming you’re like most women who can’t orgasm with penetration alone (up to two-thirds of all women), he’s basically saying he doesn’t care whether or not you orgasm. Ouch.

There are three things to keep in mind about your sexual standoff:

1) Your boyfriend has the right to say no, but he also has the obligation to try. Every couple has to decide where they are between these two goal posts. Strike a balance between your desires and his reservations.

2) If he’s obligated to try, you’re obligated to please. Meaning, you have to make it easier for him to do what you want. Find out what turns him off about going down on you and suggest ways to get around it.

3) Never try anything once. Try it three times. Because the first time you’ll get it wrong, the second time it’ll feel strange, and the third time it might feel good.

When guys don’t want to go down on girls, their objections usually fall under one of these categories:

The bakery’s putting out a foul odor. The body grows accustomed to its own odors so you may not even be aware that you’re perfuming the bedroom with Lysol’s Fish Fry scent. Is it something a bath can take care of, or do you have bacterial vaginosis? About 64 percent of women get this infection at some point. Get thee to a doctor and check it out.

Keep his tongue on the doughnut; not on the hole. Even if you smell like a florist, there are some guys who just plain don’t like going down on women. But that’s normally because they focus on the vagina rather than the clitoris. Which is a little like a woman focusing her attention on a man’s scrotum rather than his penis. Yeah, it feels good, but you can’t get to the detonation from there.

Too much hair. A lot of guys don’t want to wind up flossing down there. Are you willing to do a little landscaping?

He’s ashamed and insecure. Maybe he’s been ridiculed for his deplorable, I-want-my-money-back oral. He might not know what to do down there, so show him. If you want to be lit up like a stadium scoreboard, you gotta referee the game.

Lovers do certain things for each other, even if they don’t like it. As comedian Adam Carolla once said, “Sex is 90 percent because it feels good and 10 percent because you gotta prove that you love me.”

Your boyfriend’s got a whole lotta provin’ to do.

Got a burning or a why-is-it-burning question for the Sexorcist? E-mail him at Sexorcist at creativeloafing.com. Midtown resident Mike Alvear hosts HBO’s “The Sex Inspectors,” blogs at mikealvear.com and teaches monthly blogging workshops with Hollis Gillespie. __

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