Tired of being a loose woman? Trim up that quim!

I've got an embarrassing problem. It's my vagina. It isn't tight enough and I'm too embarrassed to have sex because it feels so loose. How do I make my vagina shrink or at least tighten it up? (BTW, I thank God Creative Loafing runs your column because I could never ask my doctor this question!)

— Loose Lips Sink Ships

Dear Lucy,

What's your definition of loose? Is it drooping like a wizard's sleeve? And who's making the judgment? You or a partner who's yelling, "Christ, I feel like a moped in a two-car garage!"

Women wanting a tighter vagina are like men wanting a bigger penis. If you don't have one, you want to get one. The difference is that men have come up with preposterous ways to attain their goals while women haven't. Frankly, I'm surprised nobody's come up with a "female tightening" product. I'd call it "the ReVagisizer." Think of the ads! "Shrink your vagina by 41 percent!" "Get that full feeling you get at Fogo de Chao!"

And, best of all, imagine using Joan Rivers as a spokesperson: "Make your vagina tighter than my face!" We could replace Smiling Bob from the Enzyte Natural Enhancement ads with Smiling Susan who wouldn't need her hands to pick up dimes off the floor. But I guess that'll never happen. Women just don't have it in them to profit from personal insecurities the way men do. I mean, the founder of Enzyte was sent to jail because he wouldn't issue refunds without notarized documents from a doctor proving you had a small dick!

OK, I'm back. The vagina is like an expandable tube surrounded by rings of muscles, which contract during orgasm. If those muscles thin out, lose strength or change tone, you're going to get a bit lippy. What causes the muscles to falter? It's rarely because of sex with oversized men (unless his penis is so big it's in the next room making drinks). It's almost always because of age, childbirth or a pelvic organ prolapse, such as when your bladder drops from its normal spot and pushes against the vaginal walls. The bottom line: Thinner, weaker pelvic floor muscles can cause your vajajay to feel like a stretched-out gym sock.

If you want to confirm that you really are looser than an armband on Nicole Richie, your doctor can measure your muscle tone with a pressure-sensitive intravaginal balloon device or get ultrasound measurements of pelvic floor muscle thickness. Here are a few stats that'll help you understand: A Masters and Johnson study of women who've never been pregnant showed that the average length of an unstimulated vagina is 2 ¾ inches to 3 ¼ inches. During the sexual excitement phase, the vaginal length increases to 3 ¾ inches to 5 ¾ inches.

Obviously, if you exercise the pelvic floor muscles that surround your kaslopis, they'll become thicker and stronger. Start with Kegel exercises and then move to weighted vaginal cones. They come as a set of weights, shaped more like a tampon than a cone. Insert the lightest version and use the vaginal muscles to hold it up inside. When you can do it easily, step it up to the next heaviest cone.

If you're still wider than an upside down rainbow, it's time for technology. Your doctor can insert a tampon-shaped probe and send small electric shocks that cause the muscles to contract then relax. You can also try the Neocontrol "magnetic chair," which uses magnetism to stimulate the muscles.

Unexpected changes are part of a woman's life and it's normal to accommodate them over a lifetime. You might try different sexual positions, for example, because they'll generate different kinds of pressure.

There's always surgery, but that's an option of last resort and, even then, only for medical necessity. Muscle toning is the way to go. In most cases, they'll turn boring Vagina Monologues into exciting Genital Dialogues.

Mike "The Sexorcist" Alvear hosts HBO's "The Sex Inspectors," blogs at mikealvear.com and teaches monthly blogging workshops with Hollis Gillespie. Got a burning or a why-is-it-burning question for the Sexorcist? E-mail him at Sexorcist@creativeloafing.com.