Should bisexuals lie to get laid?

I'm 21 years old. When I was 17, I started to identify as bisexual. Once I got to college, I started to identify simply as "queer." I'm often told I'm going to have to "pick a side" at some point, but I've gotten quite sexually and romantically satisfied with men, women and trans folks. My main question is that since such an identity is so controversial, is it wrong for me to identify as a gay man in order to get laid? Is this lying, or just not telling the whole truth?

— Identity Morpher

Dear Identity,

Ahh, the perils of label love. On the one hand, labels are valuable because they identify commonalities and help people connect with each other. (How would you know how to meet other like-minded men if bars weren't labeled straight or gay?)

Labels let you know you're not alone and that you share something in common with other people. They can give you a sense of belonging and connectedness.

While there's a certain sense of liberation in embracing a label, it's also a kind of imprisoned freedom, where the boundaries helping frame a life become the iron bars locking you in.

What you're discovering is that labels can take you from liberty to limitation in 60 self-adhesive seconds. While useful, my opinion is that, in the end, labels belong on a can, not a man.

Still, methinks you doth protest too much. You can't proclaim your bisexual label and then complain that the guys you want to sleep with are hung up on labels. In other words, shut the fuck up and you'll get laid more.

When you insist on telling gay guys about your bisexuality, you're signaling one of two things: First, you're a closet case (meaning, you're going to force them into a hidden experience or, worse, that you're awful in bed). Second, there's no way they can have a serious relationship with you (a deal-breaker to most gay men).

If I met a bisexual I liked, I'd be thinking, "This guy's as stable as the ocean floor around Japan. Sure, he likes me now, but if a bumblebee hits him in the head, suddenly I'll be kicked to the curb for some brazen bitch." What I don't understand is your need to read your bi-ography to a possible hookup. It's not like anybody's asking. ("Hi, I'm Mike. Are you bisexual?") It's almost as if the price of going home with you is to sign a waiver that says, "Yes, I'm aware that you're bisexual. Yes, I'm suitably impressed. And yes, I assume all liabilities for what may or may not happen." Oh, yeah. That's hot.

As to whether you should lie to get laid? Dude, you're asking the guy who dedicated his first book (Men Are Pigs But We Love Bacon) to a friend for "teaching me how to lie about my age," so you're hardly going to get a unbiased answer. Of course you should lie to get laid! The whole dating and hookup scene would collapse if everyone started telling the truth.

Well, at least at first. For some reason, some people think they're obligated to tell a potential date or hookup everything about them before they even share the first kiss. Hello! Dating is the process of getting to know somebody. "Getting to know" is not the same thing as blurting everything out all at once, as if there's a gun to your head. It's the process of revealing yourself s-l-o-w-l-y. You know, so you don't scare away your prey.

So when I say "lie," what I really mean is omit. If you meet women, they'll automatically assume you're straight. If you meet gay men, they'll assume you're gay. You're the one making a big deal that you're neither. You can't lie about something you've never been asked. Again, my advice: Shut the fuck up.

Got a burning or a why-is-it-burning question for the Sexorcist? E-mail him at sexorcist@creativeloafing.com. Mike Alvear is the author of The Flirty Text Message Helper: Witty Texts For Clever People and teaches monthly blogging workshops with Hollis Gillespie.