17 things to do high

Tips from a female stoner

1) Put on eye makeup. Warning: Results may vary wildly, from artful to crack whore.

2) Get dressed up for no reason. This is probably the only time you will try on all your belts.

3) Feed your cat catnip. You'll be bonded forever in chemical alteration.

4) Start blogs that you will update once and never look upon again.

5) Talk to your parents! They'll be so happy you sound so happy!

6) Visit historic sites, like Jimmy Carter's boyhood home in Plains, Ga. They will be soooo much more interesting.

7) Put on yellow rubber gloves and scrub your bathroom until it sparkles like the top of the Chrysler building.

8) Sex.

9) Brainstorm lists for the pot-themed issue of the paper you wish you worked for.

10) Write cover letters that you will strenuously edit later.

11) Sit on a porch with a cold drink.

12) Eat, duh. But beware: Eating while stoned is kinda like fucking on Ambien – you will awake confused and wondering where all the hummus went.

13) Explore your neighborhood. You will be so much friendlier to random strangers.

14) Think deep thoughts. "Why can't you capitalize numbers?" "Why are ceilings at Wal-Mart so tall?"

15) Fall down the Wikipedia rabbit hole.

16) Watch any Pedro Almodóvar film.

17) Take an extra-long shower, but don't forget to wash the conditioner out of your hair. (I cannot be the only stoner with this problem.)

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