Pussycat Dolls vs. Danity Kane: Making the Bland
Reigning queens of the hit-factory age
You gotta love a girl fight. A knock-down, drag-out brawl between two chicks has always guaranteed the opposite sex a cheap thrill. And since sex sells, imagine the profit margin that could be made off two groups of girls going toe-to-toe. It's pretty clear where the promoters' heads were when they decided to put the Pussycat Dolls and Danity Kane on tour together. Move over, Floyd Mayweather and Oscar De La Hoya. The bout between the Dolls and the Danitys could potentially change the world of prefab pop as we know it.
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Both groups are shining examples of America's present fascination with the manufactured. The Pussycat Dolls as a musical entity are a relatively recent outgrowth of the popular Hollywood burlesque revue of the same name (formed by choreographer Robin Antin in 1993), while Danity Kane is the girl group that P. Diddy assembled through the course of two seasons of his MTV reality television program, "Making the Band." The irony is that these groups are opening up for Aguilera, a singer who has resisted others' attempts to control her image and approach ever since she escaped from the genie's bottle and was free to put on what she wanted – which, as it turned out, was a pair of assless chaps.
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While we're not here to advocate bloodsport necessarily, we thought it might be fun to envision these ladies at battle. So place your bets on the act you think is the most manufactured, and let's get ready to rumble.
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Round I: The Menudo Challenge
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Inspired by the infamous Hispanic boy band of the '80s that booted out band members soon after their voices cracked or their nuts dropped (whichever, um, came first), this round is all about interchangeability. While the group must be credited with spawning the successful international solo star Ricky Martin, even the most seasoned pop-culture nerds couldn't possibly name another member of the group without the help of Google.
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The Pussycat Dolls are no different, except far fewer people can name the most recognizable member of the group: lead singer Nicole Scherzinger, whose tricky last name will never become household – though she might, if she drops it.
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Consider the following statistics: Googling the phrase "Pussycat Dolls interchangeable" yields more than 35,000 results. Doing the same with Danity Kane only yields around 650, the first several dozen of which seem to refer to the Dolls. Do the math.
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Winner: Pussycat Dolls
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Round II: "It's my body and I'll cry if I want to"
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The Pussycats are so symmetrical it's eerie, almost as if their measurements were calculated to maintain a level line of sight in photo shoots and stage performances. On the other hand, Georgia peach Wanita "D. Woods" Woodgette had to face her own body image on national television when Diddy suggested that her thighs and hips might be too thick on "Making the Band." Maybe somebody forgot to tell him having junk in the trunk is considered an asset nowadays. Nothing manufactured about that.
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Winner: Pussycat Dolls
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Round III: Hairobics
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If you have weave, you will achieve. So must be the logic behind the mighty tresses of Danity Kane's most flamboyant member. One of two blond chicks in the group, Aubrey O'Day has so many miles of tracks on her head that, if unraveled, they could direct the course of the New York marathon – while Diddy runs the city, no less.
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Winner: Danity Kane
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Round IV: Too much drama
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Considering how saucy-sexy the Pussycats try to make all of their songs, it's fairly amazing the ladies don't make for more frequent tabloid fodder. (The best Us Weekly and the like have been able to come up with was a lunch date between Scherzinger and Talan Torriero from MTV's "Laguna Beach.") Instead, this category has been swept by Danity, and particularly the aforementioned O'Day, who's been the subject of recently denied pregnancy rumors as a result of allegedly canoodling with her puff daddy.
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Winner: Danity Kane
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Round V: What's in a name, or WWDICT?
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You're a girl group, so you've gotta have a sexy name, right? You know, something that exudes character and feminine strength (like the Supremes or Destiny's Child), while simultaneously provoking bone-hard erections. Needless to say, the Pussycat Dolls take the cake here. But before naming the group victors, one should first consider: WWDICT, i.e. What would Don Imus call them? Knowing him, he'd likely translate the blatant Pussycat Dolls moniker into the Sex-Starved Ho's. The mysterious-sounding Danity Kane, however, might present him with a challenge. Maybe he'd hone in on the fact that Diddy held auditions for Danity's group members by traversing cities throughout the country. With that in mind, he'd crown them the Free-Range Chickenheads.
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Of course, we know how much Imus loves him some ho's, so the winner here is a no-brainer (no pun intended).
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Winner: Pussycat Dolls
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So there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. When all is said and done, it looks as if the Pussycats would stand victorious – not that you know whom to congratulate, since odds are you wouldn't recognize them if they bumped into you on a crowded street.