Cousin Dan’s Valentine’s Day Top 5

Fellas, are you looking for that special someone to notice you? Well, look no further! Cousin Dan is here to give you a step-by-step guide to get you through this thang called love.

5) First off, get yourself a haircut, preferably a nice high and tight fade with a lil somethin’ extra on top. Ladies love to run they hands up and down that prickly peach fuzz. Same goes for you girls out there — get yourself a haircut ... a “down there” cut. There’s nothing a man loves more than a smooth pair of walkin’ sticks!

4) Are you low on dough? Got a structured settlement but you lost J.G. Wentworth’s digits? Don’t panic! There’s plenty of things you can do to make your boo feel like a million bucks for little to no money down! For example: coupons. This is some OG shit my dad taught me and it’s straight-up genius. Write your girl a coupon for something like “One Free Massage” or “Won’t Complain About Your Idiot Dog (for a week).” Be sure to take your time and word these carefully because my roommate apparently gave one to his girl that says, “I’ll Do Your Laundry Over at My House Until the End of Time.”

3) This next one is a tale as old as time. If your girl is anything like your mom, then you KNOW she loves to eat! Do somethin’ special and take her to her favorite eatery, though if she’s anything like my ex-girlfriend, then she don’t know where the hell that is! So you might have to get creative.

2) Next on the list is gifts. Girls love getting gifts, almost as much as they love their pets. If you can’t afford to go to Jared don’t worry because I’m about to let you in on a real deal personal trade secret. Make her something: paint her a picture of kittens wearing bow ties, make her a necklace out of some vintage bottle caps or some shit, repurpose an old dog kennel into a reading nook. Whatever, she’ll love it. But only if she can tell that you actually put some time and effort into it. You can’t just go tying some old shoelaces together and call it a belt.

1) So here we are at No. 1, and what a journey it has been. If you have followed all of my advice so far then you are well on your way to the DANger zone. But there is still one piece of critical information that you need know. It will be the only thing that guarantees to transform your special lady into that freaky nympho-sex-badger that you’ve only fantasized about on the Internet. I am sorry, but this information cannot be revealed through mere words alone, it is something that MUST be experienced live and in the flesh. That experience is the one-man spectacle COUSIN DAN! With special guests xXgLaSsLuShxX, Go Dreamer, and Miss Britta on Fri., Feb. 14, at the Star Community Bar!