The Blotter: A fresh start

Many Atlantans are hungover after weeks of indulgent holiday revelry, hourly sugar binges, and voracious nighttime adventures with old friends. Now it’s time to purge. Cleanse. It’s the New Year and it’s time to make some resolutions.

RESOLUTION NO. 1: DON’T TAKE CRAP: At a posh Buckhead home, a 29-year-old man returned home and found a pile of human feces on his bedroom floor. Outraged, he called police and said he suspects his roommate. The man says his bedroom door was locked so the roommate must have kicked in the door and pooped on his floor. His male roommate was gone. The cop noted on the police report that the 29-year-old had no proof that his roommate “actually caused the damage or left the feces.” The cop advised the man to evict his crappy roommate.

RESOLUTION NO. 2: DON’T GO BEZERK AT THE OFFICE: A problem employee went wacko at a local recreation center. A 43-year-old male employee said he was leaving the restroom when he overheard a female employee’s voice coming from the storage room. Apparently, she was talking on the phone about blowing up the recreation center. The man headed back to his office and the problem employee followed, cursing him along the way.

She was booted from the rec center but returned moments later, tracked down the male employee, and threatened to get people to rob him. Again, her supervisor escorted her out of the building.

For a third time, the problem employee returned and said she didn’t care if she lost her job because she and her people were coming to get him. The supervisor called police and the problem employee quickly fled.

The cop asked the man if there was any reason why the woman hates him. No clue, said the male employee. According to the police report, the supervisor said the problem employee is “constantly getting an attitude with the staff” and cannot take constructive criticism. The problem employee is now out of a job.

RESOLUTION NO. 3: CHEATERS, COVER YOUR TRACKS BETTER: Around 2 a.m., an officer saw a blue Saturn near the Oakland City Park swimming pool. At first, the Saturn appeared empty. Then, the cop wrote, “I saw a person’s head lift up in the back seat of the passenger compartment ... then a second person’s head popped up.”

Two women were cozy in the back seat. According to the police report, a 24-year-old woman was “struggling to get her pants up,” while a 42-year-old woman was pulling her shirt down. The cop wrote, “I also noticed a pair of thong underwear on the front passenger seat containing a panty liner.”

The officer asked: What’s going on here? The older woman — with boozy breath — said her husband would be furious if she got his car impounded. The younger woman admitted they came to the park “to have sex but did not get a chance to.” The officer charged both women with public indecency and for using a public park after hours and then took them to jail. Hubby’s Saturn was impounded. No word on how the woman’s husband reacted.

RESOLUTION NO. 4: WATCH WHAT YOU EAT: A 40-year-old man from Sandy Springs stopped to get takeout from a Chinese restaurant. He started driving and eating at the same time when the man suddenly “realized there was a roach leg in the meal,” an officer wrote. He managed to pull over without vomiting. The Sandy Springs man said he wanted a police report in case he got sick later, even though he felt OK now. The restaurant manager apologized profusely and refunded his meal.

RESOLUTION NO. 5: RESPECT THE DEAD: Spirits at Oakland Cemetery may be riled up after a semi-truck accidentally rammed into the cemetery wall recently, causing nearly $1,000 worth of damage. No word on whether any graves were damaged. The truck driver said he was trying to make a turn but misjudged and hit the cemetery’s slanted wall copings.

RESOLUTION NO. 6: DON’T BREAK ANY HEARTS: In West Atlanta, a 34-year-old woman said her younger lover/boy toy suddenly became pissed at her. The woman said he knocked on her front door and asked for his jacket. When handed over the jacket, the boy toy allegedly punched her in the face, screaming, “You don’t know who you are fucking with.” The woman said the boy toy is a “friend” whom she “has casual sex with.” She said they are definitely not in a relationship. She wants a police report in case he causes any more trouble.

RESOLUTION NO. 7: DON’T HIRE IDIOTS: At a Buckhead hair salon, an employee said she left the store keys on the front desk around 1:30 p.m. and went to the gym for an hour. When she returned, the store keys were gone. Also missing: “six bundles of Virgin India hair” worth about $1,000.

RESOLUTION NO. 8: KNOW WHEN TO MOVE THE HELL ON: A 29-year-old man said his neighbor is scaring the shit out of him. Every day, when the 29-year-old gets off the MARTA bus and walks home, his neighbor stands in his yard and threatens him and intimidates him with his Rottweiler. Sometimes, the neighbor lets his Rottweiler chase the man down the street while the neighbor shoots a gun into the air. The man said he’s called police several times, because he’s afraid of his neighbor. Buddy, don’t wait for the cops. Just move somewhere else as fast as you can.

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.