The Blotter: Apocalypse now

Yes, we know. The Earth's magnetic poles are tilting and dissolving as doomsday bears down full steam ahead. Cataclysmic upheaval is set to rattle our world. Kim Kardashian will become the next president. The Apocalypse is near.

Just in case the Mayans are wrong, we present to you signs of Apocalypse Now ... or later.

GOOD MAN GOES BAD: At a church on Luckie Street, the congregation was quietly listening to a pastor's Sunday sermon when a 45-year-old man suddenly leapt from his church pew, walked up to the pastor, and punched him in the face. "The spirit told me to punch the pastor," the man explained. Other church members wrestled the wily man to the ground before he could take any more swings at the pastor. Fortunately, the 66-year-old pastor knew how to dodge a punch and wasn't seriously injured. The pastor-punching man is a regular church attendee. He went to jail for disorderly conduct.

HOARDING! NO CURRENCY WILL LAST! Near Chastain Park, a 33-year-old Lawrenceville man said he parked his silver Jeep outside a sushi restaurant on Roswell Road and went inside to eat. Less than an hour later, he returned to his car to find the driver's window smashed out. The man said some very important stuff was stolen from his car, including USB drives, $300 cash, and "eight different bags containing scrap gold and gold items valued at $30,000." Gold-hoarding preps for when the dollar becomes obsolete? Might not want to leave that gold stash sitting in plain view in your car.

FOUR HORSEMEN OF MIDTOWN: Around 4 a.m., a 21-year-old from South Georgia and his friends left a nightclub on Spring Street. Alledgedly, four tall men sauntered up and "expressed a distaste" for the 21-year-old's walking style and how he had been "walking back and forth in the club," an officer noted the police report. After a brief exchange of words, the 21-year-old turned and left because the four men "were acting irrationally" and none of his friends wanted to argue "over such an absurd topic."

The four guys snuck up to the 21-year-old from behind, grabbed his hair, yanked him down, and began punching him. The man's friend said he would not "sit idly by," so he joined the fray in an attempt to level the odds. He got punched, too.

All of the sudden, the four strange guys just stopped fighting and vanished. They didn't steal anything. There's no reason why the four mysterious men attacked other than the men not liking how the 21-year-old "walked back and forth within the club."

FRUITY FREAK-OUTS! A 49-year-old man is accused of throwing grapefruit peels all over the lobby floor of a gleaming green-glass office tower on Peachtree Street. "Fuck you," the man repeatedly screamed at the security guard and other random people walking to the elevator. The guard said the man's behavior was so strange that the building's employees were freaking out. Cops took the man to Grady Memorial Hospital for a mental health evaluation.

FINAL BATTLE PREPS: An officer found an elaborate weapon hidden in an abandoned building on 17th Street. The fancy rifle has lots of decorations but is entirely fake. It is unable to fire a single shot. Police described it as "a wooden rifle stock attached with PVC piping covered in black electrical tape and black ripped shirts taped around it — to make it look like a real rifle." Atlanta police notified Homeland Security because several similar fake rifles with the same type of wooden handle were spotted last week near the CSX rail station.

INTIMATE REVELATIONS: In the Pamond Park neighborhood, a 31-year-old woman returned home to a disturbing sight: She caught her boyfriend/baby's daddy having sex with her own mother! In her bedroom! Naturally, the woman grabbed a green baseball bat and whacked her mother/boyfriend-stealer on the head. (Even worse, Mother and daughter live together in the same apartment). The woman's boyfriend/baby daddy ran out of there faster than Usain Bolt. The mother, 57, has a bloody cut and bruises on her head, but her injuries are not serious. She went to a hospital where medics said she'd be OK. The 31-year-old woman was long gone when police arrived — probably chasing down her boyfriend with that green baseball bat.

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words.