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The Blotter: Best of the Blotter 2011

Atlanta crimes of passion, desperation and bizarro propositions

There are pirates in East Atlanta and zombies downtown. Underneath Atlanta’s thin veneer of Southern civility, there’s a raging current of flipped-out fruitcakes, sleazy scoundrels and unhinged lunatics.

My job is to find them. See, I am the Blotter Diva.

People just love to tell me their favorite Blotter stories. It’s usually about someone they know. “Remember the Blotter about the guy who painted himself green and made frog sounds at Waffle House? That was my brother!” Or “Remember the one about the lady on drugs who carries around a meat cleaver and swings it at all her imaginary friends? That’s my neighbor!”

So for you, I’ve gathered the best of the Blotter — a toast to the glorious stampede of demented freaks roving the Atlanta streets near you.




MONSTER IN HIS PANTS: An officer responded to brouhaha at apartment on Campbellton Road. A 32-year-old man said he and his girlfriend argued and she chased him across the apartment complex. According to the police report, the man said his girlfriend “wanted him to change shorts, because he has a large penis.” The man’s neck was bleeding from the alleged attack. Police arrested the girlfriend, a 29-year-old Alabama woman, and took her to jail on a battery charge.

WALKING DEAD IN ATL: A man said that during the annual “zombie march” someone vandalized the loft building he lives in on Martin Luther King Jr. Drive. According to the police report, the man said more than 800 people walked by and “some of them put fake blood all over the premises.”

PURLOINED POOCH: A woman was inside a Ponce de Leon Avenue grocery store when someone broke into her car and stole her elderly but impeccably dressed poodle from within. According to the police report, the dog — Ms. Silver — was wearing “a pink shirt reminiscent of Valentine’s Day that displayed the word ‘Love,’ and two red bows (one on each ear) with a matching red collar and an additional purple collar with clear stones” when she was hijacked. The woman said Ms. Silver is physically challenged and couldn’t have gotten out of the car by herself. Also, she said, Ms. Silver is worth about $5,000 and is almost 13 years old. The officer did a little math for us: “She explained that one year of human life equals seven years of dog life. Therefore, the dog is 91 years old in human years,” he wrote in his report. Surveillance footage shows someone pull up along side the woman’s Caddy, reach into the window to unlock the door and scoop up Ms. Silver. Unfortunately, cops couldn’t get a good enough look at the poodle’s thief or his car, but they issued a lookout for Ms. Silver.

ALIEN INVASION: Some graffiti artists gave a white church van the intergalactic treatment as it sat parked on Hosea Williams Drive. An officer wrote, “The graffiti colors were green, purple and blue, and appeared to be some type of alien figure. Also, there were a series of characters that did not seem to reference any particular word; however, the characters left in the paint were ‘CNURE.’” The church secretary couldn’t think of any potential suspects who might be unhappy with the church. Or who might be aliens.

Next: Crazy nicknames



MOIST OFFER: A woman allegedly hopped into an unmarked police car around 11:30 p.m. and asked the undercover officer if he could take her home. “Once inside the vehicle, [she] opened her legs and began playing with her vagina,” the officer wrote. The woman said her name is “WetWet.” The officer asked, “How can I get some of that?” The woman said, “When you take [me] home, I will give you a discount.” She said $80 is her going rate. WetWet went to jail on a prostitution charge.

THREE WISE GUYS: When a 29-year-old woman checked on her vacant rental home on Fair Street, she discovered that it had been ransacked. Large appliances were gone — the refrigerator, stove, water heater and two air-conditioning units — and “copper wire had been ripped from the wall at every outlet and socket in the residence,” an officer noted. A neighbor said three local men are known for breaking into homes for copper. Unfortunately, the neighbor only knows their nicknames: “Black,” “Sockman” and “Lawnmower Man.”

Next: Strangest quotes



NEGATIVE EXPOSURE? A 29-year-old woman said she wanted to use her camera at a family function, but she couldn’t find it. She asked a 35-year-old man if he had seen her camera. He said he pawned it, but would get it out. Since then, she says, the man has refused to get her camera. He also wrote her a letter stating, “If you do anything trifling, I will forward all your nude photos of you giving me head and the videos of you showing your ass to all referee friends. I have your contacts.”

SOLO WOES: A 35-year-old man got a boot to the patoot on a recent Friday night for violating an Oakview Road lounge’s strict no-dancing-alone policy (joke, people). According to the police report, “[The man] stated he would dance by himself for a few minutes, go back and talk to his friends, then go back and dance by himself again.” He also told the cops he learned how to dance by practicing in front of a mirror at home. That night, he was working on his moves by dancing alone in front of a mirror at the bar. Not a fan, apparently, of lonely dancer’s solo stylings, a bar co-owner named “Frankie,” walked up, grabbed him by the collar and tossed him out.

Outside the bar, the man waited for his friends. And waited. And waited. After a few minutes, Frankie and another guy came out and instigated a fight. When the dancer got the upper hand, Frankie’s cohort came up and kicked the man several times. When he went home his mother called 911, but he was “too upset” to properly answer the officer’s questions, so he had to call back the next day to give the police his full story. “They always throw me out for dancing by myself,” the man told them.

PIRATE OF EAST ATLANTA: Around 2 a.m., an officer was parked at an East Atlanta gas station when a green Honda Accord whizzed by. The driver didn’t slow down until he hit traffic near the Edgewood shopping district, and then reportedly started weaving in and out of lanes, cutting off other cars.

Eventually, police stopped the car on Moreland Avenue and arrested the driver, a 32-year-old man, who passively resisted by dragging his feet while cops tried to stuff him into a patrol car. The man said he is a lawyer, and there’s no way the officer could have tracked him speeding. Also, the man said, he is not a “driver” but a “traveler,” and his Honda is not a “car” but a “vessel” — and due to these facts he is not required to carry a driver’s license. “During his monologue ... I asked for his name,” the officer wrote. “He told me that he did not need to give such information to me because I was soulless and had no jurisdiction and was a pirate.”

STONED & CONFIDENT: One morning, a team of officers reported an erratic driver on Cascade Road. The driver of a red Ford Fusion allegedly crossed the center line into oncoming traffic. Police stopped the car on Orlando Street. “Upon walking up to the vehicle, I could smell what I immediately recognized ... to be the strong and pungent odor of raw marijuana emitting from the interior of the vehicle,” an officer wrote. “The driver appeared very nervous. The driver was sweating profusely from his forehead and upper lip and his hands were shaking when he handed me his license.”

In the car trunk, the officer found a “clear freezer bag which contained marijuana.” (A pound of suspected marijuana divided into 16 one-ounce bags.) The suspect, a 36-year-old Jonesboro man, decided to get chatty — even before police asked him any questions. He spontaneously uttered, “”Yeah, I’m riding with a pound of raw in my trunk, but I’m still blessed and highly favored by God.”

HAIRY EXCHANGE: A 36-year-old Duluth woman is accused of trying to prostitute herself near St. Jose Street. An undercover investigator said the woman hopped into his car, and according to the police report, “[the investigator] told her he was trying to get into a little trouble. ” Apparently, the investigator agreed to pay $25 for sex. The investigator asked her if she had any hair on her privates. The woman replied that she did, to which the investigator replied, “People shave now.”

Next: Blotter awards



BOLDEST BURGLAR AWARD: A group of women were in the middle of yoga class when a gun-wielding man barged in and reportedly stole their stuff. “The serene sound of music was playing as they were finishing up their usual Monday night yoga session,” an officer wrote. The yoga instructor had just told the women to turn and lie on their stomachs on their yoga mats when she heard the door open. “A masked man emerged from behind the curtains and told the women to get down. ... The gunman approached [the instructor] as she was lying face down, and removed the remote control to the radio from her hand.”

Apparently, the gunman rifled (pun intended) through the women’s purses. He reportedly stuffed valuables into his pockets until he heard the sirens from a passing patrol car, freaked out and fled, dropping stolen money on his way. The yoga women said the gunman wore gloves, a red ski mask, a heavy blue coat and clean white tennis shoes. He reportedly got away with a total of $195 in cash and a Wal-Mart gift card worth $25.

BEST BAR ARREST: Around 1:30 a.m. at a Buckhead bar, a security guard escorted a man outside and told him to get in a cab and go home. The 26-year-old man refused to go and started screaming and cursing, then sat down on the curb near the front door. “When he sat down, his feet went into the air above his head,” an officer wrote. The man stood up and said, “Fuck you, you bald motherfucker. You were picked on in high school!”

The officer again told him to leave. The man replied, “Fuck you, pussy. I’ll kick your ass, take that shit off.” So the officer called for backup. According to the police report, the hyped-up man reportedly “started to make gorilla noises while flexing his muscles.” After a struggle, police finally pepper-sprayed the dude and got him into a patrol car. En route to jail, the man reportedly kept beating his head on the cage inside the car.

“THE RECESSION AIN’T OVER YET” AWARD: An officer dealt with a 27-year-old woman who said she had lost her home and was now living on the 11th floor of the Buckhead office building where she works. (The irony: The woman works for a mortgage broker/real estate firm in the building on Piedmont Road.) Security guards told her to leave, but a few days later they found the woman sleeping with a man on an inflatable bed on the 11th floor. So they kicked her out for good.

Apparently, the woman called police because she hadn’t gotten all her stuff back from the office where she had been living. “I found the items hidden in the desk and returned them to her,” an officer wrote. No charges filed.

BEST “STRANGER DANGER” AWARD: A 26-year-old man said he heard water running near his home on Linden Avenue, so he looked outside and saw a stranger showering with his water hose in his backyard. The man said he asked the stranger to stop bathing on his property, but the stranger refused to leave. The man said he walked outside and the stranger sprayed him with the water hose and ran away. The man called the police, who quickly found the stranger (a middle-aged man) on North Avenue and arrested him.

BEST FASHIONISTA AWARD: A South Carolina woman said she married an Atlanta man three months ago, left her stuff in his apartment on Peachtree Road, and went back home to get the rest of her belongings. When she returned — yep, three months later — she discovered that 150 pairs of her shoes were missing (or so she told police). The Southern-fried fashionista also claimed that 10 handbags were missing, “half real, half fake.” Her now-ex-husband said there was never that many shoes in his apartment and that she’d moved her stuff out before they divorced.

BEST DRUGGIE AWARD: A 30-year-old man told police that he, his wife and their two kids are living in extended-stay motel near Cheshire Bridge Road. One evening, a man with curly blond hair was yelling as he walked by their room, so he told the man to be quiet because his kids were asleep. A while later, on his way to a gas station to get aspirin for his wife, the man was attacked by the mop-headed malefactor with a belt with a metal S-hook on the end, no less. When police found the curly haired man, he had lots to tell them. An officer wrote, “While I was transporting the suspect ... he said he was trying to get his girlfriend away from the Bloods gang that was holding her against her will. [He] said he was trying to get his girlfriend off crack and she had $4 million dollars. [He] also told me that I thought he was tweaking on meth, but he was not. [He] said he had never in his life been thinking as clearly as he was today.” The curly haired man went to jail on many charges. “I never told him that I thought he was ‘tweaking’ on meth,” the officer noted.

BEST “GIFT COMBO” AWARD: Three people are accused of selling merchandise without a permit from the trunk of a white Chevy Impala on Marietta Boulevard. An officer saw a man holding a box near the car. “I noticed the items in the box appeared to be a perfume gift set,” the officer wrote. (To be exact, a “Sex and the City” perfume gift set.)

Also for sale: Taser guns. Nearly a dozen high-voltage Taser guns were nestled among the perfume gift sets in the trunk. “The trunk of the vehicle contained 27 perfume gift sets, 10 tasers, and 20 mini-perfume sets,” the officer wrote. “I collected one of the perfume gift sets and one of the tasers, to preserve as physical evidence of the scene.”

Next: Stupid People Hall of Fame



TASTE TEST? Around 7 p.m., an undercover officer said a 42-year-old woman hopped into his car at the intersection of Lakewood Avenue and Jonesboro Road. “Once inside my vehicle, she offered to give me a blowjob for $20,” the officer wrote. “She repeatedly offered to give me a sample blowjob.” She was charged with prostitution. (After years of reading hooker reports, the Blotter Diva must note: Giving a “sample” of any kind is practically unheard of in the alleged prostitution world.)

MAKE A BREAK FOR IT: On a recent Saturday in Candler Park, an 82-year-old woman called police and said her daughter’s 40-pound tortoise was missing from her home on McLendon Avenue. (It’s a red-footed South American tortoise.) A police officer noted that the woman didn’t know whether the tortoise was missing or just wandering around the backyard.

BAD CALL: On a recent Friday, police received a call from a boozed-up Morehouse Drive resident. When they arrived, she was sitting on the front porch, yelling, cursing and crying about someone stealing money from her purse. The officer said, “I asked her time and time again to remain silent, but she did not cooperate. She got louder and louder, ignoring my directions, [and] acting in rage. I then tried to detain her until I could figure out what the problem was and she began to hold me and wouldn’t let go of my shirt.”

The officer finally freed himself from drunky, and interviewed her boyfriend who said she’d been drinking and acting out of character all day. When the officer got back outside to check on her, he found her screaming and kicking his car door. Seriously, people. Don’t drunk dial the police.

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