The Blotter May 07 2008

STONER SHOPLIFTER? At a grocery store on Ponce de Leon Avenue, a 25-year-old man allegedly tried to steal some Visine eye drops. Police searched him and found the Visine (worth $4.45), plus his cell phone — and $14 cash. He was arrested for shoplifting and went to jail.

PORN TO RUN: A 34-year-old man called police and said a prostitute assaulted him. Eventually, an officer found the man at a motel on Moreland Avenue. Now, the man said a woman named "Linda Lovelace" assaulted him. The officer asked why she assaulted the man. He said she's on that dope bad. The officer wrote: "[The man] said he was in the doorway to Room 303, when Ms. Lovelace returned and ripped his boxer shorts and punched him in the right eye. There were no visible marks to his face." The man also said Linda Lovelace is HIV positive and works as a prostitute to fuel her drug habit. The officer searched the area for Linda Lovelace, but was unable to find her. (The Blotter Diva must note: So this man's possibly imaginary prostitute is named Linda Lovelace? A quick Google search shows "Linda Lovelace" is the stage name of the woman who starred in the notorious porn film Deep Throat (1972). In the 1980s, Lovelace became a strong anti-pornography advocate. She died in 2002, after a car accident.)

THE CHILD NEVER GROWS OLDER: A father said his son does not live with him at his home on Valley Heart Drive. But, the father said, his son constantly comes to his home and defecates on his front lawn and eats out of the neighbor's trash can. Police arrived and found the son asleep underneath a table behind the father's house. The son, age 47, was arrested for trespassing.

CRAZY SAVES THE DAY: A man said he and another man were counting payroll while sitting in a pickup truck outside a house on Beatie Avenue. The man said he runs a construction crew, and he was dispensing about $1,500 in cash when an unknown suspect walked up, pointed a revolver at his head, and said, "Give it up." The man replied, "Are you fucking crazy?" The suspect responded, "Are you crazy?" The man replied, "Yes, I'm fucking crazy." Both men said the suspect appeared nervous and his "gun hand" was shaking. They said the suspect put the revolver back in his jeans and fled — without getting any money.

NAME THAT ROOMMATE: On Lanier Street, a 47-year-old man said he and his roommate "Car Wash" had a verbal spat — and Car Wash got kicked out of the house. He said Car Wash got upset and stole his TV and stereo from his room before leaving. Car Wash threatened to return and steal more stuff, he said. The man plans to take out a warrant on Car Wash, as soon as he gets Car Wash's real name from his landlord.

NAME THAT DINNER GUEST: A 27-year-old man said he left his apartment on Mobile Street to walk his dog. He returned to his apartment with another man, whom he barely knows. "[He] said he met the man one time, but didn't know his name," an officer wrote. "He asked if the man wanted spaghetti, and he stated yes. After that, another man walked in and stated, while holding a shotgun, 'Suck his dick. Suck his dick.'" The 27-year-old man said, "Just take what you want." He said the suspects told him to take off his clothes. He said he grabbed his purse, threw it at the suspects and ran from the apartment. Items reported stolen: a cell phone, a DVD player, and $421 cash.

MOTEL VS. JAIL: Around 2:30 a.m., an officer saw two people in a white Hyundai parked behind a furniture store on Monroe Drive. "I witnessed the passenger climb off the driver, and the driver act as if he was pulling up his pants," the officer wrote. "I shined my flashlight and saw the passenger was a female." The officer asked why the two people were there. They both said they were dating and would not go to a motel room. "The female later stated she was a male and the driver knew she was a male." They were charged with trespassing.

STRANGE SENSE OF HUMOR, LADY: Medics dealt with a 38-year-old woman who was having trouble breathing on Jonesboro Road. She told police she had been raped. The woman said she was hit in the head and face with a pistol and dragged into the woods. Then, the woman started laughing and said she was "happy and horny," an officer wrote. "[She] stated that she had been drinking and using drugs recently." Later, the woman admitted she lied about the rape and said she was kidding, an officer noted.

VERY ORGANIZED HOMELESS MAN? A 56-year-old man said his leather folder disappeared at a homeless shelter on Mills Street. He said the leather folder contained his important papers, such as his voter registration card, his military papers, his birth certificate, and his resume for jobs. He said he put the leather folder in a secure place at the homeless shelter, and it was gone the next day. (The Blotter Diva can barely keep track of her own car keys. So a Blotter shout-out to the homeless dude with superior organizational skills. Someone give this guy a job!)

Items in the Blotter are taken from actual Atlanta police reports. The Blotter Diva compiles them and puts them into her own words. Want more? Listen to the Blotter Diva on 92.9's (Dave FM) "The Zakk Tyler Morning Show" every Tuesday between 6:30-7 a.m.